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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

Relationships

I know im probably hormonal but I think I want to leave!!

33 replies

Nemo666 · 22/10/2005 16:40

Ive had enough of my dh...for the past few months he has gone from being a lovely caring husband to an arse...not to the extent of some but he has changed. We dont talk much anymore or if i do try and talk he tells me I am going on or he falls asleep or asks me to repeat myself about 10 times. I havent been sleeping very well and have suffered depression for the past 2 yrs so dont know if this is a factor in it. He has been working long hours at work so I know hes tired but it is like being a single mum anyway to my 2 yr old and am 7mths pregnant. I tried to go for a sleep this afternoon when I put my son down for a nap and dh insisted on having the radio on full blast, stomping around the house and slamming doors/banging which has just made me go to the end of my tether. Last night in his sleep he was talking to someone about how much he loved them etc but dont think it was me. He has cheated on me before..well not cheated but kissed and started a relationship with someone when we were both in uni but just living together. So of course I am now convinced that is happening again. Just silly things like he would have my bday off work so we could do stuff but this year he has told me he is working 13hrs and thats that. I am at the point where I feel miserable being here but the idea of going makes me miserable aswell. WE also have huge debts and I have no way of paying rent on a house. So need some advice if possible.

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jessicaandbumpsmummy · 22/10/2005 16:42

{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}

No advice im afraid sweetheart, but to let you know im thinknig of you xxxxx

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NotQuiteCockney · 22/10/2005 16:42

It's probably not the best time to make a decision, when you're getting near the end of pregnancy and so on.

Any chance of getting some quiet calm time with him? Or couples counselling?

What has changed over the last few months? Extra work, pregnancy, anything else? Those sorts of things can add up and mess up a relationship, even with the best intentions on both sides.

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Nemo666 · 22/10/2005 16:45

lots of things changed...our money situation is dire, he is working 13hrs a day when he used to do either a late or early of about 8hrs. Being pregnant has been stressful due to prior miscarriages etc we dont get to spend any time together and dont even have the money to go out for a meal alone etc

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NotQuiteCockney · 22/10/2005 16:47

Hmmm. Any free babysitters nearby?

Any chance of taking some time on a weekend, or when your DS is down?

I understand about stress with pregnancy and miscarriages, I've had two miscarriages, so my last pregnancy was quite stressful, particularly at the start.

Is the money situation improving? Is the extra work situation likely to end at any point?

I'd call in favours, get your DS babysat (maybe exchange a Saturday afternoon with someone?), and take some time, even just cuddle on the sofa and watch a movie, to get a break together?

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Nemo666 · 22/10/2005 16:49

to be honest we dont really have anyone who can look after ds, dont evne have contact with friends anymore cos my depression put a stop to it. Money isnt improving as he doesnt actually get paid anymore for the extra hours he is working as he is a manager but the overtime isnt optional and we also had our tax credits stopped and appeal denied which has but extra stress on. So at the min things just seem to go from bad to worse.

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NotQuiteCockney · 22/10/2005 16:52

That sounds really hard for both of you.

Can you get treatment for depression while pregnant? Drugs or therapy or whatever is possible?

I'm not saying the depression is the problem, but it sounds like there are a lot of extra stresses on your relationship at the moment (pregnancy, money, depression, work), which certainly aren't helping.

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Nemo666 · 22/10/2005 16:55

I am under a psychatrist, psychologist and cpn for the depression and it has been harder as have not been on medication while pregnant because the medication they want me on leads to increased risk of stillbirth and they think it may have added to me having a missed mc at 15wks last dec. I know the depression is probaly contributing and it isnt easy for dh but whenever i try to talk to him lately he just blatantly ignores me whether it be important or just a hows your day been type of thing.

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NotQuiteCockney · 22/10/2005 16:59

I'd try to make time to talk, if you could. Does he work seven days a week?

Is he happy with his job, despite the hours?

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Nemo666 · 22/10/2005 17:03

he gets either one or two days off but they have been taken up with decorating etc lately to try and get ready for the baby. He says he enjoys his job as I found one perfect for him as he has a phd in molecular biology and genetics and this job was £6grand a year more than what he is on now for no weekends or late nights and xmas etc off. He just told me i was always going on at him.

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NotQuiteCockney · 22/10/2005 17:05

That sounds hard. He presumably wants to sort out his job situation himself?

Does he help much with DS, and around the house?

Is there anyone you can go stay with (with DS), to get a break? Family or whatever?

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missycantstop · 22/10/2005 17:09

You could be making a big mistake. Could it be poss that you have late PND?
I am 19 and have 3 kids by 2 different fathers as i pushed 2 of them away when i started getting depressed. (in a way i am glad i did because i finally found love with my youngest sons dad).
You may be feeling like this now but how will you feel in a few months?
You need to think and listen to what your heart is telling you?
Do you love this man?
What would you do without this man in your life? would you cope? how would you feel? please think about these questions as losing this man might make you feel even worse than you already do. Good luck

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Nemo666 · 22/10/2005 17:11

dont have family really as they are one of causes for depression..long story in itself..lol

He is great with ds when he is around but he isnt here enough and the general house stuff is done by me. I know its been hard on him because i was the wage earner and earnt more than he does now, i did try to go back to work after having ds but was suicidal etc so couldnt function properly so he had to get a job. He could have done something with the phd but decided to go and work as a manager for comet instead. In terms of his job i dont know if he wants to leave it or not, depends what day you catch him on. Its just the fact he has to work long hours for a crap wage and peak time is xmas cos its retail which means he works even longer hours from now and into the run up. This year he will have xmas off because baby is due around 16th so should be here.

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Nemo666 · 22/10/2005 17:14

missy i know what your saying and there is no doubt i love him but i just cant stand him and the way he is being. I do have a tendancy to push people away/challenge them because I was abused when younger[hence no family contact] but this is different. I cant explain its just like he has given up on us so why should I bother.

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missycantstop · 22/10/2005 17:17

maybe you could try relate it really depends how you feel about this man

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NotQuiteCockney · 22/10/2005 17:18

It sounds more like he might be just treading water, to get through this difficult time?

I understand about pushing people away if you think they might be about to push you away (I've certainly done it myself), but it's certainly not a very wise behaviour. Wouldn't you rather stick it out and do what you can to make things work, rather than give up now?

Worst case scenario, if it really is all doomed, wouldn't you want to be able to know you did your best?

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Nemo666 · 22/10/2005 17:56

thanks all for listening..will jsut have to see what happens i suppose. At least waiting until after baby is born.

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DinoScareUs · 22/10/2005 18:13

Nemo666, if you think that you might be suffering from depression, why don't you put out a call for Rhubarb - she knows a lot about antenatal depression and had her own website about it at one stage.

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Nemo666 · 22/10/2005 18:17

dino..there is no might about the dperession it has been ongoing for 2 yrs but cant be given medication at the minute because of the risk to baby, normal antids such as prozac etc had no affect on my depression so I take the more toxic varieties that have high risk to baby.

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DinoScareUs · 22/10/2005 18:18

Rhubarb is definitely around atm - post a message for her!!

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spookylips · 22/10/2005 18:27

hiya nemo - sorry to hear about your situation atm, but i probably dont blame your DH being narky as the hours that he is working long hours atm adn is probably worried about the money situation as well..

as My DP was a nearly a wreck as he was soooo worried about the money situation (As i was made redundant whilst i was 7 mths pg) but it all worked out fine in the end and DP is more chilled out as at one point we thought we were gonna lose the house..

was he ok when you MC last year?

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spookylips · 22/10/2005 18:28

but talk to Rhubarb anyway! and hope it all helps!

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Nemo666 · 22/10/2005 18:30

SL he was upset about the mc of course we both were. Got pg again within 3mths so was quite stressful to go through the first 4/5mths.

We are in the position at the min wiht the bills etc of having been reffered to various debt companies etc which is stressful..hence i keep selling so much of our stuff..lol I knwo he is worried about that too and i agree the hours he is working are not doing him any good but then why is he so unwilling to consider a different job?

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spookylips · 22/10/2005 18:42

and have you both talked about the MC too?

i really dont know why he didnt take on the other job? as he probably too scared to take it if the new job eg "gone under" and your DH have no job so he is comfy staying where he is cos it a steady good job

listen i hope you get some help (soon) as ive gotta get ready to go out.

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RottenRhubarbWitch · 22/10/2005 18:45

Nemo, it sounds as if you have pre-natal depression which could lead to post-natal depression if you are not careful. Might it be worth talking to the various people that be about taking a progesterone treatment after the baby is born? It used to be called The Dalton Regime and I went on it after both mine were born as I suffered horrendous depression during my pregnancies. The treatment worked for me!

It also sounds as though he is very depressed too, seeing you go through 2 miscarriages, as well as your depression, which he no doubt supported you through. Now you've had to take this huge drop in income, he's working overtime and yet he probably feels that he's not even making a dent in the debts you have. Now there is a new baby on the way and he is probably worried about how you can both support another child, and when he will get time to spend with it? Perhaps it's just all too much for him and he can't talk to you about what's on his mind for fear of making your depression worse.

He needs someone to talk to. A friend or his doctor. He hasn't changed into someone else, he is still the same person but he's finding it hard to cope. I'm sure you weren't exactly a joy to live with when you were going through depression, yet he stuck with you and now that is what you have to do with him.

I hope you can both find the help you need.

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Nemo666 · 22/10/2005 18:57

rrw it is depression that i have had since my son was 2 mths old relating to being abused etc but it is still there..hence i recieve a lot of support from community mental health team. I also used to be a mental health worker so am aware if not overly so about the depression.

SL suppose he could be worried about job security but then is he thinks like that we will never change.

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