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Original poster

Time to get strong...

37 replies

BrokenWoman · 10/03/2011 14:48

I don't even know where to start...
Basically, my partner is an abusive twat that I need out of my life for good.
Only it's not that easy...
Backstory, we got together 4yrs ago had our DS quite soon in so fair to say we rushed into things. After DS I got PND and went through 2 years of hell...my DP would often physically abuse me during arguments, police called out about 4 times in total but each time I told the police it was all me...I know they didn't believe it but what could they do?
The emotional abuse is what really sent me crazy...he made me believe I was going crazy by telling me and anyone who'd listen. He called me names, criticized everything I did...moaned all the time about the state of the flat...
I ended up having to move to my dads to sort myself out...but wasn't allowed DS with me...child benefit, CTC all paid to him...
Anyway, things were OK when I got my own flat, a job and independence.
I'm now 30 weeks pregnant and have had my lightbulb moment...I didn't have severe PND, I was just severely bullied by the person who is supposed to love me.
We are not getting on at the moment...a massive argument erupted as I brought up last mothers day and the fact he didn't get me even a card from DS. Sounds trivial but it upsets me that he can't make an effort on one day. When DS was 5 weeks old I bought a plaster thing to do his hand/foot print for fathers day...he's never that thoughtful...not even a fuckin mug or teddy.
He's always commenting on how fat I am...ffs I'm pregnant but still hurts.
Now, here's the issue, I have DS 4-5 nights a week but partner claims all benefits and doesn't give me a penny.
I work and pay my own rent and council tax and he still bullies more money from me. Then has a go that I'm not saving money!
Any row results in him using DS as a weapon...tells me I'm not seeing him and to drag it through court. Apparently no judge would give me residency. He threatened to stab me whilst pregnant. I should give baby up for adoption as I won't cope he says.
He shouts at me all the time...I constantly live in fear of the car or tv breaking as that would also be my fault.
He doesn't work...he's on the sick (fuck all wrong with him) has been for years...he grows weed for a living and that makes him the better than me. He drives about in his fancy sports car whilst I don't even have a cooker! I have one pair of maternity jeans to my name.

I'm sorry this is so rambled, it's took a lot to post here...I'm just feeling so trapped...I don't want him or need him but I'm terrified of him taking my son away.
He's threatened to hurt my family if I ever took DS.
He's a classic bully...wouldn't dare treat a man how he treats me. To the outside he's an amazing, kind man and brill dad...he's not...a good dad wouldn't put his son through this and treat his mummy so bad.

I'm going to seek advice from a solicitor this week, I just feel I need some support here.

Is there anything I should be doing to plan?

Please don't have a go at me...I've had 4 years of it...the point is I'm taking action now.
Don't mean to drip feed but so much has happened it's hard to remember everything.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 10/03/2011 14:55

do you pay him maintenence?

courts try and keep the status quo so would avoid that route

but really,you seem to be the main carer,its a case of proving it.

hopefully someone will be some heklp here....alot to unravel,but you deserve better than this. its going to be hard,but you do really need to shake this man off

GypsyMoth · 10/03/2011 14:56

sorry,not clear. are you 'together'? and his the new baby his? sorry to ask...

squeakytoy · 10/03/2011 15:00

If he is a drug dealer, I would be reporting him to the police, he wont have your child a moment longer then. Nor will he have his freedom either hopefully as dealing is a crime that usually results in a custodial sentence.

gettingeasier · 10/03/2011 15:00

Sorry I am a bit confused , are you saying you and him are separated now and he has your ds 2 -3 nights a week ? He doesnt pay you any maintenance and also pockets your CB ?

I dont understand why he is threatening you , is he saying he wants full custody of your ds ? Is he the father of the child you are pregnant with ?

He sounds horrible and I am sorry you are enduring all this

Original poster
BrokenWoman · 10/03/2011 15:03

Yeah...I moved out, only a mile away but we're still together...this baby also his.
I don't pay maintenance through the CSA...he just expects me to give him money for what he wants so he can't prove that.
I've got no friends, my family live quite far away...ive got nobody.

OP posts:
NicknameTaken · 10/03/2011 15:07

Talk to Women's Aid, asap.

Original poster
BrokenWoman · 10/03/2011 15:10

He ain't that stupid re. Drugs....he doesn't have anything incriminating in his flat...I know exactly where he grows but it'd only get the other people in trouble, not him.

To clarify...we separated for a while, but got back together but don't live together. I'm expected to have DS around 5-6 nights a week, so he can sleep in till 1pm everyday...he has DS whilst I'm working...when I'm not working we usually make our way back to his after dinner, get completely abused for a bit then either storm off home or get dropped off.
I sound so pathetic don't I?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 10/03/2011 15:10

I agree, you need to talk to womens aid, and possibly social services too.

What about your dad? is he able to help out and give you support in this?

squeakytoy · 10/03/2011 15:12

You dont sound pathetic, but you do sound like you are being terribly abused by this bully. You really do need to get away from him before it gets worse.

Original poster
BrokenWoman · 10/03/2011 15:22

He uses DS as a weapon...it's the only hold he has over me...somehow I've come through alot much stronger....this is the last link. I can see through him now and can't do this anymore...he isn't ruining this baby for me. I've already told him I don't want him at my home birth...told him it was to allow him to spend time with DS, but truthfully I want him nowhere near me. My mum is all I need there.
My dad isn't really interested in me or sis, and she has her own abusive fuck wit to deal with.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 10/03/2011 15:24

Is a home birth a good idea? Wouldnt you feel safer in a hospital where there are security barriers in place to stop him from being there.

Original poster
BrokenWoman · 10/03/2011 15:51

If he turned up to cause trouble I'd phone the police. He doesn't wanna be there anyway.
Besides, he wouldn't dream of kicking off in front of my mum or MW...that would shatter their idea that he was amazing Hmm

OP posts:
tallulahxhunny · 10/03/2011 15:58

maybe im wrong but i am sure that whoever has the child 4 or more nights a week is the main carer and should be the one receiving all monies for the child

Original poster
BrokenWoman · 10/03/2011 16:06

Not wrong Tallulah but what can I do? He would never hand over that money willingly...if I start down solicitors route he will lie and say I don't have him as much as I say...he also has family and "friends" that he'd convince to side with him. I have nobody. SS were involved when DS was very young, cuz of my PND and they knew it was DV, but forced me into counseling and politely asked partner if he'd like anger management...he didn't so they dropped the case!
I'm probs the only person ever that was gutted when SS dropped us...was a safety net for me.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 10/03/2011 16:19

I think, if you really want to get away from this man, you have to seriously take some action. Call Womens Aid, prepare to move some distance away, dont let yourself be bullied and worn into the ground by this man and his family and friends. Because that is what is going to happen.

If you dont have much family support, then you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain by putting some miles between yourself and this man.

There are laws that can keep him away from you, and I know its difficult, but you have to be strong, and for that you need Social Services and Womens Aid on your side. They will help you, but you have to mean it, you cant ask for help then keep having a relationship with this man. You must know that.

perfumedlife · 10/03/2011 16:22

If you went to live with your dad before, how come he isn't interested in you now?

GypsyMoth · 10/03/2011 16:23

is child benefit in your name? if not,try and get it to be.

keeps records somehow,of how long he's with you ....

is he on the birth certificate?

perfumedlife · 10/03/2011 16:25

Oh I've just realised it's probably because you went back to the ex.

Give me his details and I'll shop him to the sickness people, really resent paying for drug dealers to drive about in sports cars.

You should get in touch with woman's aid and formulate a plan for getting far away from this man and this mess. This is about way more than a mothers day gift.

Original poster
BrokenWoman · 10/03/2011 16:26

What worries me with SS is if I tell them everything, he may then give them a load of bull... I don't want them thinking neither of us are worthy parents.
There's no residency order in place so am well within my rights to take my son one night and not return him...he'd have to fight me for access. I'd move to wales to be with my mum, though I know he'd cause trouble for them...but then he may not...he's a bully that wouldn't stand up to my step dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrokenWoman · 10/03/2011 16:27

My dads priority's have changed since then...he's really not too bothered that a "man" is treating me like this.
He only took me in cuz I paid him!

OP posts:
Original poster
BrokenWoman · 10/03/2011 16:31

And for the record I do not want a relationship with this man. ideally I'd love him to drop dead or go prison.
All I'm concerned about now is getting my son away from him and I have to be cleverer than him (not hard)...I've "stole" DS's passport and birth certificate so he can't fuck off out of the country like he often threatens.
I'm getting there...I just need to feel I have some support.
I feel desperately stupid for letting things go this far.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 10/03/2011 16:43

Well it wasn't terribly clear op, you did write that 'we are not getting on at the moment' and argued over a mothers day gift. Doesn't sound like an ex, and you still referred to him as partner.

Original poster
BrokenWoman · 10/03/2011 16:48

I'm just struggling to articulate things very well...on stupid iPhone too which doesn't help the flow!
I should have said recently things have become completely irreparable...and the stupid mothers day row was more about his complete lack of consideration...plus I was feeling a little fragile yesterday...as I'm not allowed to talk about my feelings it has been building up for ages and mothers day happened to be the icing on the cake.
I'm sorry if things aren't clear...I'm not trying to confuse anybody...I am just confused and scared, hence the rambling.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrokenWoman · 10/03/2011 16:51

And technically he's not an ex yet...it ain't a relationship to me although he'd happily carry on...well, maybe not as I don't have sex with him anymore...and he's made it clear that he ain't happy about that but obviously can't see why I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 10/03/2011 16:59

I'd move to wales to be with my mum, though I know he'd cause trouble for them...but then he may not...he's a bully that wouldn't stand up to my step dad.

That ^ is what you should do. As soon as you can. You will be much safer there.