Sorry another DH not being much of a 'D'

[slightlymad72]

I'm not sure if I am being oversensitive or if I have real justification for how I am feeling. I had a great weekend with DH, we went out for a lovely meal together, had a laugh came home and all was pleasant. However since Monday he has been very snappy with me, for no reason, that I can see. eg I asked him to please stop leaving his coffee cup on the floor as its now becoming routine. He snapped back that he had his hands full, I mistakenly pointed out that whilst standing up off the sofa he could have picked up the cup and it would have taken no effort. He snapped at me again, so I walked out of the room as I could see that it was going in only one direction -ROW, later that evening he started snapping about the quilt cover, I left the room and waited for him to go to sleep.
When he is not snapping at me he is avoiding me or doing the minimum in regards to being intimate, (not sex, but hugs and kisses) Tuesday was my birthday, I got the card and pressie but then it was a kiss on the cheek and the rest of the evening spent on my own whilst he spent it anywhere but near me.
Last night though, I had had enough and had to get out of his way before I finally lost my temper.
He has a sleeping disorder which manifests when he is stressed, the last time it manifested itself it resulted in him taking himself in hand whilst looking at something on his iphone. He has no recollection of this or any other incident and I understand he is not to blame for them, however I do believe that he should take steps in order to prevent such things happening again. I found a seductive picture on his phone (I wasn't looking just reading a text) and asked if he would remove it, inlight of what had happened previously, he agreed but it was in a manner and tone of voice that suggested he didn't agree and was doing it just to placate me. This hurt and hence the reason for me going early to bed before I shouted.
I am stuck in how I can discuss with him his behaviour towards me and his lack of undrstanding in how I feel towards the picture. I have tried discussing things with him before and he clams up, his only response is 'I have nothing to say' he then disappears into his 'cave' for 3 days and I have to spend my time alone until I have had enough and make the effort to reconcile what ever differences we have, he very rarely makes the effort to sort stuff and believes that if he buries his head in the sand long enough it will go away.
He doesn't always behave in this manner, it often stems for stress at work that he lets spill into family life, this time though it appears that is not the case, and the level he is distancing himself is not someting I have seen or dealt with before.

I don't know what I'm looking for in writing this, advice? understanding? or for you to tell me to loose my temper with him. ATM I just feel like giving up.

I have to say while reading this, I veered between wondering if you were talking to your child, or a partner. But if he behaves like a child, then you do find yourself treating them as if they are one, so I can understand it.

I have also got to say, I have never heard of a sleep disorder that would result in someone using their phone as a stimulant for masturbation. That just sounds bizarre.

Was this "seductive" picture a random one or of someone specific? A friend, or just some stranger? It sounds a bit unreasonable to demand he remove a photo in the way you describe it, unless there is more to it. But he did remove it, and it seems you were still unhappy with him.

There do seem to be conflicts here on both sides, and I dont think losing your temper with him is going to be very productive.

If he is stressed due to work, I would honestly say, just leave him to it. If he asks why you are not talking to him much, say that he seemed tetchy, and you were fed up of him being snappy. And get him to leave his phone downstairs when he goes to bed.

So what you're saying is that he is untidy, uninvested in your romatic relationship, sulks, disengages for up to 3 days until you break the deadlock, stonewalls any attempts at dialogue,counter-attacks or alternately creates arguments and fails to complete important tasks? He's also claiming that a sleeping disorder causes him to masturbate and he downloads pornographic material on his phone, making you feel unreasonable when you ask him to delete it?

Your response is to shout, mollify and appease, bargain that men use "caves" and treat him like a child?

It sounds like he takes very little personal adult responsibility and that a parent-child dynamic is pervading your relationship, with you either responding as an angry parent, or a ridiculously over-indulgent mother who makes every excuse in the book for what is unacceptable behaviour.

Stop thinking that this is acceptable and stop parenting him. He's an adult. If he wants to masturbate, he shouldn't need a sleep disorder excuse to do it, or porn for that matter.

Stop picking up after him and insist he does it himself. Assert your boundaries and insist on having an adult-adult exchange. If he refuses to engage yet again, stop thinking about men and caves and come to the more appropriate conclusion that this is childish but controlling behaviour. I wish that more women could see that refusal to engage is actually controlling behaviour and not some gender-based desire to revert to prehistoric living.

The sleep disorder is called sexsomnia, similar to sleepwalking but instead of walking around the house which would be easy to deal with, it manifests itself in the form of sexual acts, not easy to deal with. How the phone came into it i am not sure but can only assume that there where seductive piccies on there that his 'subconcious' found stimulating. Living with this disorder is very difficult as the person who has it doesn't know what he is doing and can carry out actions that in waking life he wouldn't dream of.
Maybe asking for him to remove the photo was unreasonable but I feel that having it on his phone has the potential of placing him (unknowingly) in the same position as described previously. He has not removed the photo as yet, whether he does or not is up to him, what upset me was the disregard for my feelings in the matter, I have been on the receiving end of too many of his night time wanderings and do not what to be on the receiving end of many more and would like him to take whatever precautions necessary to prevent it happening.

If he has a diagnosed and recognised disorder, then I would have thought the phone solution was a hell of a lot more preferable to you being on the end of his wanderings. Maybe he was trying to spare you from it, and those are the "necessary precautions" that he took?

Has it been diagnosed by any experts?

And how was this sexsomnia diagnosed and by whom? What treatment or management of this condition was prescribed or advised?

The phone incident was after I shoved him off yet again. He has not been diagnosed, he has gone to the doctors about it but got no where, its a little understood conditon and many GPS don't know or understand it.(I know he's being a prat by not going back to the GPs) We do have some precautions in place to deal with it. If I know he is stressed then there I use a very large heavy pillow between us to prevent him getting close, he uses sleeping pills when needed. These things have helped and the problems at night have reduced but there are still times when they are not enough.

WhenwillIfeelnormal you are bang on on a lot of points, not all How the hell do you get through to someone that refuses to listen? and he doesn't download or use porn, the piccie he has is of an exposed breast,(mild) but it is of someone he finds very attractive but hasn't got a hope in hell of ever getting. I also don't excuse his behaviour.

Are you saying he was asleep when he picked up his phone, downloaded a sexy photo and started masturbating? In bed?

If he hasn't been diagnosed, the possibility exists he doesn't have this disorder. What do you mean you 'shoved him off yet again'? Are you referring to him trying it on whilst you are asleep?

WWIFN you are so right, i am sick to death of hearing excuses about men and 'caves'. Surely to god we have moved on from neanderthal man?

I would imagine there are specialists who deal with this sort of thing,it wouldnt really be a GP matter, but I am sure a GP could give your husband some contact numbers.

I am very confused to be honest because you say you have no intimacy and he wont come near you, but you go to bed knowing he is stressed and put up barriers. Does he try to cuddle or be intimate before you both go to sleep? Would that not solve the problems for both of you?

We do have intimacy, some days it is fantastic, cuddles, snuggle on the sofa, him coming to bed with me, falling asleep in each others arms (then the pillow when he is asleep) but then it suddenly stops and there is nothing, spending the evening at opposite ends of the room or house, me trying to talk or be close to him with no response, it can go on for days and it is only when I point out to him that I am his wife and not the housekeeper or nanny that he changes.

I used 'cave' not as excuse or a gender based desire to revert to prehistoric living but as an easy expression to explain what he does that the majority understand without going into excessive detail.

And yes Perfume that is what I mean, we are both asleep and it is more than trying it on, it can and does sometimes get quite aggressive with me having to leave the bedroom.

And please everyone understand that he is not an aggressive man and he would not act in this manner if he was able to control what his body was doing whilst he slept.

So what you're saying is that this condition is self-diagnosed then?

why self diagnose something?
and a picture of a tit is hardly that bad

He has been to the GP, the GP said that it is a form of insomnia and that he should take sleeping pills, however he has not been to a sleep clinic or a specialist, so it has not been diagnosed by an expert.

I would be insisting that he goes to a therapist and get a proper diagnosis.

I would also make him sleep on the sofa too rather than have my night disrupted like yours must be.

You say that he sometimes comes to bed at the same time as you. What does he do the rest of the time, before he comes to bed?

did he use the phone because you wouldnt give him sex

Squeaky I am trying to get him to a therapist but he feels so humiliated, which I can understand and empathise with but he has to understand that he cannot carry on the way he is, bloody hard work with someone that seems to think conversations only involve one person talking. [brickwall emoticon]

I think you have to tell him, its a therapist or its separate rooms and we are on the path to divorce.

Do you have children?

Janet he has a sleep disorder, the phone use was when he was asleep and not aware of what he was doing. He did not conciously use the phone because I didn't have sex with him.

WWIFN - he researches land rovers and minis, HONEST, I have snuck downstairs and looked.

Yep got kids Why?

I just wondered how you would cope with this if you were heavily pregnant, or any other child related scenario, like a newborn sleeping in the room, co-sleeping...

Has he had this "condition" for long?

Did he subconciously download the photo to his phone in his sleep too?

I am not mocking it, I just wonder if he is perhaps mocking you in some way, as he seems very reluctant to get any help for it.

He's had the condition about 7 years, my god I didn't realise that, he really does have to get this thing sorted.

Kids things is fine, there are all in their own rooms and there isn't a chance of any more.

I don't think he is mocking me, although I understand it can be seen that way. His reluctance I believe comes from being ashamed that he is capable of these things, but that his subconcious is. He has some difficulty understanding that the subconcious can act independently, like in sleep walking/talking/bingeing etc.

Well it's strange because there seems to be a connection between this sexual behaviour and the nights he doesn't come to bed at the same time as you. If you haven't got private browsing facilities on your PC/cookie storage and you don't suspect porn, online sex or an affair, then fair enough.

But we're concentrating on the undiagnosed sleep disorder and not the other behaviour, aren't we?

How bad is this making you feel? If it's really getting you down, it seems you need to stress again the seriousness of this. It must be horrible to be stonewalled and not listened to.