Sorry another DH not being much of a 'D'

[slightlymad72]

I'm not sure if I am being oversensitive or if I have real justification for how I am feeling. I had a great weekend with DH, we went out for a lovely meal together, had a laugh came home and all was pleasant. However since Monday he has been very snappy with me, for no reason, that I can see. eg I asked him to please stop leaving his coffee cup on the floor as its now becoming routine. He snapped back that he had his hands full, I mistakenly pointed out that whilst standing up off the sofa he could have picked up the cup and it would have taken no effort. He snapped at me again, so I walked out of the room as I could see that it was going in only one direction -ROW, later that evening he started snapping about the quilt cover, I left the room and waited for him to go to sleep.
When he is not snapping at me he is avoiding me or doing the minimum in regards to being intimate, (not sex, but hugs and kisses) Tuesday was my birthday, I got the card and pressie but then it was a kiss on the cheek and the rest of the evening spent on my own whilst he spent it anywhere but near me.
Last night though, I had had enough and had to get out of his way before I finally lost my temper.
He has a sleeping disorder which manifests when he is stressed, the last time it manifested itself it resulted in him taking himself in hand whilst looking at something on his iphone. He has no recollection of this or any other incident and I understand he is not to blame for them, however I do believe that he should take steps in order to prevent such things happening again. I found a seductive picture on his phone (I wasn't looking just reading a text) and asked if he would remove it, inlight of what had happened previously, he agreed but it was in a manner and tone of voice that suggested he didn't agree and was doing it just to placate me. This hurt and hence the reason for me going early to bed before I shouted.
I am stuck in how I can discuss with him his behaviour towards me and his lack of undrstanding in how I feel towards the picture. I have tried discussing things with him before and he clams up, his only response is 'I have nothing to say' he then disappears into his 'cave' for 3 days and I have to spend my time alone until I have had enough and make the effort to reconcile what ever differences we have, he very rarely makes the effort to sort stuff and believes that if he buries his head in the sand long enough it will go away.
He doesn't always behave in this manner, it often stems for stress at work that he lets spill into family life, this time though it appears that is not the case, and the level he is distancing himself is not someting I have seen or dealt with before.

I don't know what I'm looking for in writing this, advice? understanding? or for you to tell me to loose my temper with him. ATM I just feel like giving up.

I think the way he was with you on your birthday is way off. Why so cold? And snapping. Being distant. Those things are done wide awake and fully alert, they are infact worse.

I couldn't take someone blowing hot and cold, it's a form of torture in my book, as is blanking me and any discussion I need to have.I know what you're saying, he isn't like that all the time, or aggressive, but it is quite offensive and disrespectful and will chip away at your respect for him.

Well it seems that sexsomnia is recognised or at least sort of as one of the parasomnias (sleep disorders) so him self-diagnosing is not the same as the bloke who says that his head will explode and his cock drop off explode if you won't let him shag you. PResumably him having a wank over his phone is preferable to him prodding you half the night with the wet end of his knob when you are trying to sleep.
Do you have sex with each other? I may be reading your posts wrong but you seem to be saying that you kiss and cuddle half the night and then shove a pillow between you like a couple of unmarried teens.

WWIFN, I did suspect that there was a connection with his late nights and the his behaviour, but over the years I have monitored it and it appears that its worse when he comes to bed earlier, i think its all to do with sleep cycles REM, Deep sleep etc.
I agree we are focusing more on the disorder not that I mind, it is quite intersting? if thats the right word.

As for the rest of the behaviour, its getting me down, I don't want to spend my evenings being ignored and I think I shouldn't have to keep reminding him that I exist.

It isn't just affecting our relarionship but also the relationship with the children as well, our DS has noticed that there is a problem and she has been quite upset at his behaviour, in particular on my birthday, she had cooked a beautiful banquet for us all and his attitude towards me during and after the meal was noticed and commented on by her.

We have sex, and it is good, no complaints in that department.
The cushion comes between us either when he has gone to sleep and I'm settling down (if he's come to bed with me) or if he stays up when I am settling down on my own. (Similar to a do not disturb sign)

I do think this "disorder" is at the root of all the problems though. If he is knackered because he is worrying about going to sleep and having one of these "incidents", then his quality of sleep is going to be shite, and in turn he will be tired at work, it will raise his stress levels, he is then snappy with you, and so the circle continues...

I disagree. I don't think tiredness leads to ignoring your wife for 3 days and refusing to engage. I don't think it leads to being such an arse on her birthday to the extent that their poor DD notices it.

Actually, I think too many excuses have been made for what is unacceptable behaviour, that only he can fix.

I do think that, disordered or not, this bloke has succeeded in making your relationship and family life all about him. Everyone has to tiptoe around his moods and make allowances for him, while he does whatever he likes. I'd suggest that first you look into all the praticalities WRT finance/the house if you throw him out because information is power, then give him a time limit to get himself sorted out and stop behaving like a dick, or get out (or you will take the DC and leave).

I find it hard to believe that he can find his phone and watch porn on it while asleep. sorry, but I do. But if you really think that's the case - then I suggest some serious therapy for you both.

Very good point from spring chicken about everything revolving around him - he isn't doing anything to try and resolve this and you are becoming more and more upset trying to deal with it.

And I also think that 'cave', while I understand you aren't excusing it, is used as an excuse. It's not a cave, it's him being selfish and unkind and not caring that his behaviour is upsetting you. It sounds like the two of you would really benefit from some joint therapy so you could work out what's going on in his head.

you need ot go to GP together and ask for that referral to the sleep disorder specialist/sleep clnic - they will vdeo record him while asleep and see what he does, how he sleeps.

if he refuses to get help for his disorder you have to consider seriously if you can carry on as you are. .

OP, unless you're explaining things very badly, I think you're being taken for a mug. Why did he have a photo on his phone of the bare breast of someone he fancies? Where did it come from? Was he also "asleep" when he took/downloaded it? It's very convenient that all his bad behaviour is committed when he's sleeping and therefore can't be held accountable for it. If he refuses to see a specialist about his "condition", I think it's less a case of shame and more a question of him not wanting to be revealed as a fraud.

I actually can't believe you've put up with this nonsense for 7 years. I'm not denying that this particular disorder exists - I have close-up experience of it - but from what you've said I don't think your OH has it. You need to INSIST that he goes to a sleep clinic. If he continues to refuse, you have your answer.