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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

scared off his ex so can't commit to me

28 replies

everhope · 09/03/2011 16:12

Bit of a long story, but basically for the past ten years i have been on and off having an affair with a man. The last two years we have left our partners and tried to give it a go. We were not constantly together fro the ten years it was on and off, with our partnesr and not etc. So we are now both single. Not a easy situation but we decided to date and try and be together. We will have few weeks together then he backs off saying he can't do this as he is scared off his ex finding out and then endangering his relationship with his daughter. He says he loves me. Then a few weeks later he will get in touch again and say he can do us. Im so confused and just don't know what to do. Ive tried to say that his ex wouldn't be nasty against him- yes we may never get on but we would get through it but he can't see this. I know the relationship started wrongly with an affair. Any advice really appreciated.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 16:15

my advice ?

he is still seeing his ex and keeping you both on the go

I expect he keeps blowing hot and cold with her too

sorry about that

boxingHelena · 09/03/2011 16:16

if 10 years is not enough for somebody to make up his mind I dont know what any advice can do for it, sorry

StayFrosty · 09/03/2011 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 09/03/2011 16:18

He wants you both and is probably trying to soften you both up into accepting a longterm poly situation eg each of you agrees that he can shag the other one.

If that is what he wants it is basically formalising what you've all been doing for 10 years, so you might as well go for it. Though it might be an idea to negotiate for your own bit on the side as well.

everhope · 09/03/2011 16:22

he isn't with his ex she has a new partner. He really does say its baecuse it is scared he will lose his daughter.

Thanks. I knew the answers really i suppose. Just good to see it in black and white from others.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 16:26

why would he lose his daughter ?

BluddyMoFo · 09/03/2011 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

everhope · 09/03/2011 16:31

i don't think he would this is what i try to say to him - his ex has threatened him with that.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 16:32

if his ex is happy with a new partner, why would she make it difficult for him ?

you are being lied to...it doesn't make sense

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 09/03/2011 16:33

He doesn't want to commit to you.

Quite frankly could you trust him if he did?

Magicjamas · 09/03/2011 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 16:37

perhaps he is enjoying playing the field, and doesn't want to commit

you could easily be one of a few women on the go...

everhope · 09/03/2011 16:38

I keep saying this to him, she may be difficult at first but not for ever and if we love each other we should be able to cope with that. He doesn't want to commit - i am just finding it so hard to move on from the last ten years of my life.

OP posts:
Magicjamas · 09/03/2011 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 16:40

if you both want different things it can never work though

during these times he "pulls away" from you, does he see other women ?

if so...do you wait for him ?

boxingHelena · 09/03/2011 16:45

how old are you OP? have you got kids?

PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 16:47

more to the point... do you want kids ?

don't waste your fertile years waiing for a bloke like this

PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 16:47

waiting

everhope · 09/03/2011 16:48

I don't think he sees other women when we are not together. I am 41 and I have a eight year old son.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 16:51

do you want more dc ?

everhope · 09/03/2011 16:57

would be more than happy to take on his daughter but don't want any more.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 16:59

"take on" his daughter ?

wouldn't his daughter sill live primarily with the principle carer, her mother ?

do you mean just on access visits ?

I presume at the moment you are completely separate from his "other life" as a father ?

Do you live in separate houses ?

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 09/03/2011 16:59

being in a perpetual state of confusion / dramas is a brilliant way of avoiding ever having to cope with a proper relationship, isn't it?

for whatever reason it pretty much sounds like he doesn't want to.

and if you've been on / off for a decade with this man i'd seriously question if you really want one either. you're doing everything you can to sabotage the possibility.

PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 16:59

still

squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 17:19

You are right Op, he doesnt want to commit. Please dont waste any more time on him, because he isnt worth it.

He wouldnt lose his daughter. He is just using that as an excuse to not make a proper commitment to you.

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