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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can an affair ever lead to a happier new relationship?

28 replies

Boobalina · 09/03/2011 14:22

I'm wondering. Obviously affairs are destructive and hurt people. But can they sometimes
a) actually work out for the best
b) lead to a happier, long term new realtionship?

The older I get the more I wonder whether there actually is a MR forever after or possible a series of 'Mr right for now'?

I am single, but not really looking to snatch husbands! But if you did have a connection with someone who was unhappily married - is it right for you both to persue it?

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 09/03/2011 14:23

no frankly it isnt. It can happen that men move onto their mistresses but the only people I know it worked for were the women who said quite clearly "if your marriage is that bad, leave, give it some time and then we can think about it". Its very rare for continued infidelity to result in a long term relationship ime and there is no excuse for being involved with someone who is married - and this is from someone who did it.

ChasingSquirrels · 09/03/2011 14:24

no, you should step away and let the unhappily married person sort their life out themselves.

The potential for hurt is immense, to everyone - you, the unhappily married person, their partner, their children, their extended family.

It isn't worth it.

If, at some point in the future, they are no longer married and you are still single then sure - see what happens.

noddyholder · 09/03/2011 14:24

I don't think so.I think people kid themselves it can but I think something is destroyed and the relationship is never the same.I speak from experience my ex did this and we muddled on and talked til we were blue in teh face but I never trusted him again really and if I'm honest lost respect for him and thought he was a bit sad!

Original poster
Boobalina · 09/03/2011 14:29

Hmmm. I think the 'leave your marriage, get your head together, then see approach sounds wise.

OP posts:
SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 09/03/2011 14:31

treat others as you would wish to be treated

abedelia · 09/03/2011 14:33

Also, I'd be thinking 'are you really interested in me, or am I just a convenient escape enabler / a source of excitement in a stale existence?'

I'd also be wary of someone who'd actually gone as far as marrying someone and living with them for years who then didn't have the basic respect as to not hurt their feelings and humiliate them by clearly leaving them for someone else.

To trot out a tired cliche, if he really loves you, he'll wait (until he's extracted himself from her).

Original poster
Boobalina · 09/03/2011 14:33

Prettyfly - did it work out for you then?

OP posts:
noddyholder · 09/03/2011 14:37

Sorry i misunderstood!

prettyfly1 · 09/03/2011 14:41

Hiya - no. I was not one of the ones for whom it worked out for - I got VERY badly hurt, as did everyone else involved and learned a very hard lesson indeed. I was super young at the time but I have zero patience for "maybe I will be different" these days.

notabadman · 09/03/2011 14:48

Helloooo, Pretty new to this, but IMHO, AFFAIRS WILL NEVER WORK FOR THE BETTER!!!
There is always either:
a)Too much suspicion/mistrust thereafter
b)Too much emotional carnage (especially if you're the one who has been cheated on!!)
c)The feeling like the one you married, you never really married in the first place & the whole thing was just a lie!!
Sorry guys, you've guessed it I'm the victim!! :(

prettyfly1 · 09/03/2011 14:54

Its not just if you were a victim notabadman - I cant see how someone who ends up with someone they were in an unfaithful relationship could ever trust them, plus there is the old cliche "you cant build happiness off the back of anothers misery".

notabadman · 09/03/2011 15:09

Too true prettyfly1 x

higgle · 09/03/2011 15:24

They do work out sometimes. My DH had two old schoolfirends, one of them A was our best man and he lived with his girlfriend, another, B, was married to someone he met at uni. These two couples were the best of friends and often went on holiday together, none of them wanted children. A's girlfriend fell in love with B and they left their respective partners and set up home together. 18 years later A's girlfriend and B have been very happily married for about 15 years. A has lived with someone who suits him far better for about 13 years and B's wife is happier on her own than she was when she was married. We all remain in contact and all parties are on friendly terms. It was all a bit traumatic at the time but ended up OK

JessicaDrew · 09/03/2011 15:35

i know 2 couples now in their 60s, guess 2 partners had mid life crisis, and they had an affair, during divorce the remaining 2 partners met, and also fell for each other, so guess you could call it a swap
both new couples have now been married 20 years!

Primafacie · 09/03/2011 15:41

Of course it can happen. I know of a few couples who started as affairs and, fast forward 10 years or more, are happily still together, got married, had kids etc.

But I know of far MORE affairs that turned incredibly sour, or where the married man never left his wife. In at least one case the woman turned into a complete bunny boiler (ie psychotic episodes).

Ask yourself is this something worth risking. For my part I wouldn't be attracted to a man who I think is a cheat, as I value trust and honesty. Also I would never want to be "the other woman", the one who will get blamed for runining an unhappy marriage - and I speak as someone who was once stalked agressively pursued by a married man while I was still single.

Unless you are French, of course, in which case affairs are a given in any relationship (or so I hear).

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 09/03/2011 16:09

SOmetimes they work out, sometimes they don't. I think they are more likely to work out (eg the couple having the affair end up happily together) when the original relationship was one that was already in serious trouble eg abuse/addiction/one partner had 'settled' for the other and they had subsequently grown apart but were staying together out of inertia.
SOmeone in an abusive relationship often only gets his/her head together to leave when a new person appears on the scene as abusers often convince their partners that they are unlovable and stuck with the abuser when this is not true.

OTheHugeManatee · 09/03/2011 16:27

My mother's affair worked out for the best. She walked out when I was about 20 to live with the man she'd been having an affair with, and is now married to him.

My parents were married for 25 years, much of it very unhappily. Though it was carnage at the time, I don't begrudge her what is clearly a much more stable, respectful, mutually affectionate and loving relationship than she ever had with my dad.

LittleMissHissyFit · 09/03/2011 17:18

The other saying is that once a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour [Dr Phil]

Hassled · 09/03/2011 17:23

My father had an affair when I was a kid - with my mother's best friend. It was hideous - my mother had a breakdown, we then moved to the UK as she couldn't cope with being in the same country as him. Awful times - leading to estrangement with my father for most of my teenage years, until well after my mother's death when I was 16.

Anyway, the point of this tale is that the OW is my wonderful stepmother. She and my Dad were made for each other and had a long and happy marriage until his death a few years ago. I can see that they were much better suited than he and my mother were.

happiestblonde · 09/03/2011 17:36

Yes

  1. My parents were both engaged to other people - no affair but got together
  2. DP was married but v unhappily. He left after 2 dates as neither of us could handle a full blown affair and have never looked back. His XW has moved on happily, we all get on, and i love DP more than I thought humanly possible, he feels the same.

People don't always meet when they are both single and available, what matters is limiting the hurt and being honest as soon as you can

OliPolly · 09/03/2011 17:37

It can work but I think it is a relationship full of trust issues because what's going to stop them from doing it again?

If you don't love someone anymore, just leave.

lisapenn · 09/03/2011 18:07

If the affair wasn't actually the spouse's way to get out of the relationship - Then I say definitely yes - and I am a living proof for it. I was married for 10 years when I found out about my husband's affair amd I was cmpletely shocked because I was sure we were very happy. If you'd like you can read my story on my blog: www.affairsmarital.org

Stay optimistic and always believe...

Lisa

piratecat · 09/03/2011 18:13

my mum had an affair, she was married, he was single.

They are still together 27 yrs on. so it can work.

I do not believe that every relationship, or should i say marriage lasts forever unless the pairing is absolutely right. Stays right and is worked on because the pair are meant to be together forever.

It must take a very special relationship to last the distance.

I believe in marriage, but my husband didnt want to be married to me anymore, so that was that.

Original poster
Boobalina · 10/03/2011 10:19

Gosh, really interesting comments - thank you. Something to think about.

OP posts:
jjgirl · 10/03/2011 10:42

i used an affair as a way of escaping DV. sorry but no i could not have done it on my own. i do not care but i would have never felt safe on my own. moving in with parents etc was not an option. i also left the country in order to feel safe.

its been more than 10 years now and i am back in the country. yes i have tracked his wearabouts and am being cautious.