hello - relationship advice needed

[waternymph]

hello. i am almost 32 and i would like some advice/ opinions on my relationship.

1. in many ways he is lovely and am enjoying him and the relationship. he is good at calling and texting and not cancelling arrangements. these are big things aren't they? they show he is into me. know that he IS really into me. he is very affectionate towards me and is wanting to make plans for the summer and so on.

1. there are some BIG things that are not ideal though:

1. he is a lot younger than me, he's just 25, and in some ways is pretty young for his age - this is his first relationship; he still lives with his parents and is emotionally enmeshed with his mum in particular, who is not that big a fan of me or the relationship; he doesn't drive; he is just at the start of his career and has lots of ambitions for his self and work.

1. he hasn't been with anyone else and maybe he should try out some other people and other relationships?

1. am wanting to settle down and can feel biological clock ticking - which is a bit weird to be honest, as have never liked babies or children really

1. he has the same mental disorder as me - manic depression - and is able to do a lot of work and earn money, but haven't seen him when he is ill. could i cope with him when ill?

1. he says his father's line has very strong mental illness in it

1. he is not jewish and i am. this is quite a big thing, as his grandfather was a methodist minister, so is not as if he is just not anything and would love to convert

1. there are some sexual problems/ issues etc

10. this probably all sounds quite serious, but then he is quite intense and serious. on sunday we were talking about marriage and children and stuff, and he has said he has always wanted to settle down and have house and dogs and children, but he doesn't want to get married for at least a couple of years.

11. these are crucial years for me - want to have first baby before 35 if at all possible - don't want to be trying to get pregnant for first time in late 30s as have seen some of my friends trying and failing to do. so if spend 2 years with james now, and then he decides he doesn't want to get married/ have children, then will be almost 34.

12. am i wasting my time?

13. should i be going to jewish events trying to meet someone else? if my best friend was single too, rather than with her new non-jewish boyfriend, we could do this together. but the events are pretty depressing, so we don't like them. but are we wasting our time with these boys?

14. just spoke to a single schoolfriend of my age. she said 'we have little enough chance to be happy with someone. if someone is making you happy, stay with him. it won't stop you meeting someone else'. is she right? or not?

15. was unable to meet up with a boy from j-date as felt bad re my boyfriend. so can't do jewish internet dating while am with my boyfriend. obviously.

16. he is very bright and we can have good chats about things. he can engage with me on an intellectual level

17. he loves animals

18. he wants to help me make more of own talents - although sometimes goes about it in annoying way. but am training him out of actually criticising me

19. he thinks am AMAZING in many ways, which am, but is surprising how much of an acquired taste i seem to be

20. he has no plans to go to a monastery
    , which is what my last boyfriend did sadly

Blimey.

How long have you been seeing him?
I don't think you really need answers to all your questions if it's early days do you? Although I do understand the clock ticking thing, this cannot govern everything.

The ones I would be concerned about are:

1. First relationship/living with parents. This puts you in a very different place lifestyle wise - far more so than the age gap. Does he have plans/means to move out?

1. Are these resolvable? If not I think you have your answer.

You do seem to think that being with someone Jewish is very important. Is this because you have been brought up/conditioned to believe this or because you genuinely feel that way? If it's the latter, only you can decide whether this is a deal breaker.

What does he think about your concerns?

wow.. thats quite list.

How long have you been together?

ah brilliant, a reply :). thank you

i have been seeing him for 3 months, and we have seen each other quite a lot in that time, 2 times most weeks.

1. at 32 i am living with my parents too, at the moment. i have lived away from them at times, but i prefer it here, at the moment. hopefully my own flat is coming soon. but lifestyle wise we are in a fairly similar place, which sounds bizarre, but is true. he has plans and will have means to move out soon i think.

1. we are working on the sexual problems. i am the first person he's slept with, amazingly.

re the jewish thing: i have been brought up/ conditioned to believe that is important. and i want to bring my children up as jewish. so my husband would have to either be jewish, or not mind me bringing the children up jewish. is a difficult one.

he understands my concerns i think, to some extent?

hello squeakytoy

we have been together for three months.

Three months, and only seeing each other twice a week, is very little time overall.

I think the jewish issue is going to be the main one. I am not jewish, but am I right in thinking that it is passed on through the woman? Is he happy to go along with that, and will his family be supportive in that too.

The age difference shouldnt matter. I wouldnt be too worried about that. But his inexperience at the age he is would worry be a little too.

You have been seeing him twice a week for 3 months. That's not a lot. Cut your losses. Some of these things are huge. Why has he never moved out of home? If you moved in with him he would most likely see you as a replacement for his mother.
The depression thing shouldn't be brushed aside either. I have mental health issues, and it certainly runs in my family. I know that I need someone I can rely on when things get difficult. If he already has problems, that would give me pause for thought.
You seem to be at massively different stages inyour life. I'm not sure this is going anywhere. If you've met a nice guy in him, take heart that you will meet others. Don't settle for someone when there are so many issues already

I think it's really early days water and I agree with squeaky that the Jewish thing is the main issue here, but only if you are looking at this relationship as 'the one'. Which again, comes back to my early days point.

If you are enjoying each other, surely no harm in dating for a bit longer and then talking about whether there may be a future together.

I would be slighly worried about him having had no other sexual relationship but only because it is rare for someone to end up spending their lives with the first person they ever sleep with. Is there a reason he waited so long?

yes - the jewish one is going to be one of the main ones, definitely. it is passed through the woman, so my children will be jewish.

i think he would be ok with it, but have no idea about his family.

his inexperience is a bit of a worry, yes.

is three months not that long then? ah good.

should i try not to worry about all this, and look at it again in say 6 months?

yes - there are reasons he waited so long. he was quite ill in his late teens/ early twenties, and was dealing with that. plus shagging has not been a priority for him - as you can probably tell!

Im sorry but I think if you having all these concerns after only 3 months then it is not going to work!. These should be the best times!. I understand that in these hard times it is sometime not possible for people to live away from home but alarm bells are ringing that someone of 25 is still so influenced by mother!(she doesnt like you because of age gap?-what does he think?).
Also what are the sexual problems?. If he was a virgin when you met then surely he must be like a rabid dog?.
I think the major one is the jewish thing.I am not religious but my dh was brought up catholic.Although we have chosen not to bring our dcs up in the church it has still caused issues in our relationship.Is it really important to you?(ie a deal breaker?).
Sorry but just cant see this working out.

feeling a bit better now, thank you both :)

should i try not to worry about all this, and look at it again in say 6 months

I think that would be sensible.

Have a holiday together, see what day to day living by each other could be like.

I do think you should be prepared for difficulties, and I dont like to sound negative, but that list throws up an awful lot of potential problems for the future. One or two of the alone would be manageable, but added up, I think it will overshadow the relationship.

Manic Depression/Bi-polar can be a very testing part of a relationship with just one half of the partnership being a sufferer, if both of you are sufferers, then obviously the impact doubles.

pink4ever: thank you.

i suppose i'm trying to work out for myself how important the various issues are. i can't help thinking about them.

in a lot of ways he is making me happy though. i suppose i just wanted some advice from people who don't know me/ won't just tell me what i want to hear etc?

I think you're confusing him being a good catch with him being right for YOU. Those are separate things. The MH issues aren't ideal, nor is the still living with parents/first relationship thing - but they wouldn't have to be deal-breakers.
What would be deal-breakers I think, is the discrepancies between where you are in life, and where he is. I'm sure he's a lovely chap,but as you've only been seeing each other a few times a week for just 3 months, why not find someone who is of a similar faith/life-stage to you. You sound desperate to settle with anyone - is that a biological clock ticking thing?

ahhhhh holiday. hopefully we are going on holiday soon.

oh dear, do i sound desperate to settle with anyone? that isn't good

I agree with Squeaky here.

You need to slow things right down. Get to know each other on every level before talking about marriage, children and pets.

A holiday would be a great chance to spend some time alone together and enjoy yourselves.

Take the pressure right off. Just see where it goes.

From experience, your (both of you) mental health issues, shouldn't be a reason to end it. Nor should the Jewish aspect.

It all depends on how this progresses.

Try just having fun for a while, re-assess in 6/9 months.

ah thank you mouseface. am going to try to turn the worrying bit of brain off, somehow.

It's normal to worry Water but it should be fun and exciting.

Just enjoy yourselves.

just woke up after afternoon sleep to lovely message from my boyfriend that he has just had first driving lesson. so that is one thing he is doing something about anyway

just had lovely long chat with him about the future in a positive way. things are seeming good today now.

going to see ARCHIPELAGO with him this evening and stay at his house. looking forward to it. am lucky to have lovely boyfriend

had a really nice couple of days with my boyfriend. have made some progress on the sexual side of things, so that is good. am feeling better about the relationship in various ways. thank you for your input everyone

finally, after 5 months, going for holiday with boyfriend. so will see what happens

Good luck to you both.