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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH is messing my head up

41 replies

PaperHouse · 07/03/2011 14:21

DH is lovely a lot of the time but when he is tired or stressed he can be vile.

Over the past few months if we row or he is in a temper he will say things about my weight and tell me I smell.

This morning he called me a cunt,fat and told me I smell vile.

When he is Nice DH he says he dosen't mean these things and that everyone says stuff when they are angry but then when he is Nasty DH he will tell me that he does mean it and is lying to upset me when he says I don't smell.

I am now totally paranoid I shower about three times a day and flinch if anyone comes near me in case they can smell me.

I have read about gaslighting on here and don't know if he is doing this to me for example: This morning I heard DD say something to our younger dd and he is trying to convince me I didn't hear anything he does this a lot and is also known for compulsive lying.

Not sure what I want to achieve with this thread just need someone else to know what is going on IYSWIM?

OP posts:

BluddyMoFo · 07/03/2011 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Taghain · 07/03/2011 14:24

It's gaslighting, he's just going to get worse.
And you don't smell, either. Just ask a friend.

RealityIsKnockedUp · 07/03/2011 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thingumy · 07/03/2011 14:27

What reality said.

Original poster

PaperHouse · 07/03/2011 14:30

I keep thinking he is abusive but I don't feel that scared of him and I do stand up for myself but when he is at work and the house is calm I think back to his words and they hurt me a lot.
He is also moaning that I push him away but that is because of the smell issue now.
I have known him since childhood too and no what his outside personality is like. Nobody in rl is going to believe a word I say. He once told someone I had scratched him (the cat had) because I thought he was having an affair with a workmate .

OP posts:

Original poster

PaperHouse · 07/03/2011 14:31

Know not no

OP posts:

Thingumy · 07/03/2011 14:32

He's being verbally abusive towards you.

He sounds like a thoroughly vile person (and a liar also).

Original poster

PaperHouse · 07/03/2011 14:33

I agree Thingumy, but I don't know what to do about it.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 07/03/2011 14:34

Leave. He is an attention seeking, nasty, bullying, abusive, drama queen.

I seriously doubt you can't do better.

You are starting to believe him by showering 3 times a day and flinching. Soon you won't be able to leave as he'll have worn you down.

Niecie · 07/03/2011 14:34

How old are your children PaperHouse?

I know from experience that he won't change and he will start on the children when they are old enough.

He sounds a nasty, nasty man. The 'nice' DH will appear less and less too.

Original poster

PaperHouse · 07/03/2011 14:36

They are 5 and 2. If I vanish I have gone to pick up dd.

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GypsyMoth · 07/03/2011 14:36

is he like this with others?? no,just you......so its not is personality,he's doing it to control you

womens aid can help you.....had to phone them recently for a family member,they were so,so helpfull!!

controlpantsandgladrags · 07/03/2011 14:38

nasty bullying cunt indeed. Do not let this man undermine your confidence. The problem is his not yours. You deserve better.

dignified · 07/03/2011 14:40

Quit the showering .

Call womens aid for some support and read everything you can about emotional abuse . Then get rid , he sounds like a nasty , bullying little twat.

controlpantsandgladrags · 07/03/2011 14:41

That's the first time I've ever typed the c word by the way.

Original poster

PaperHouse · 07/03/2011 14:42

No everyone likes him and he is everyones best friend. People think I am standoffish and rude but I'm really shy until I know someone better.
I don't really have friends and fell out with a close family member something else DH tells me "I brought on myself". He calls my Dad a crackhead too he isn't one but he took some drugs when he was younger and DH calls him Daddy Crackhead.

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Niecie · 07/03/2011 14:49

"No everyone likes him and he is everyones best friend. People think I am standoffish and rude but I'm really shy until I know someone better"

You sound just like my mother.

I think you might be surprised how many people see through your DH a bit too. They may be all chummy with him but I bet there is something about him that doesn't sit right with them, that they can't put their finger on.

Would your parents put you up if you left? Surely they will tell you if you smell? They of all people should be on your side and should believe you.

squeakytoy · 07/03/2011 14:52

That isnt gaslighting, that is just pure and simple nasty and evil abuse. I hate the C word, but it certainly fits him.

I doubt he is even lovely at any time, its just that he is more tolerable when he isnt being so abusive.

I am always loathe to say "dump him" but in some instances, there really isnt anything else to suggest, because someone like this really is not worth sharing the same living space with, and once he has completely worn you down, he will start on the kids.

And more often than not, the people who you think like him, usually dont, and can tell what a prick he is, but dont say it to you face, just behind your and his back. Even if any of his mates do think he is nice, yeah, I am sure he is nice to them, but they dont live with him or get the abuse. Twats like this make sure that their mates only see the fun good guy side of them, but trust me, there are always a few who can see through it.

wellwisher · 07/03/2011 14:55

Many nasty people are capable of pretending to be lovely. They can keep it up for weeks, months, years even, fooling everyone around them until their mask slips.

On the other hand, genuinely lovely people are not capable of pretending to be nasty, at least not as convincingly and viciously as your (d)h.

Ergo, "nasty DH" is the real man. Leave him or get him out while you can still see that this is wrong. You and your dcs will suffer if you stay.

Ask yourself if you could EVER speak to someone close to you as hurtfully as your H speaks to you. I bet you would feel that you just couldn't say the words. Ask yourself how you would feel if someone treated your dcs this way. You will make more friends and improve your relationships with your family when you have more self-confidence, but your H is trying to wear you down.

Do you have a place to go?

Tolalola · 07/03/2011 14:56

It's really good that you say you can stand up for yourself with your DH.

He is being very nasty, and you need to tell him that it is absolutely not acceptable. Don't shout, just speak very calmly and firmly. Make a list of what you want to bring up beforehand.

I'd say something along the lines of, 'DH, I realise that you are tired and stressed. However, that in no way excuses your recent behaviour towards me. I am your partner, and we are equals. I will not be belittled and called names by you. I do not smell and I am not fat, I am an extremely good mother and I am very supportive of you. Neither do I appreciate you calling my father, your children's grandfather, derogatory names. I want our marriage to work, but if you cannot or will not modify your behaviour and show me some appreciation and respect, then I will leave you.'

And make sure you mean it! Good luck. You sound nice, he's being a complete twunt.

Niecie · 07/03/2011 14:56

I would say not only will he pick on the children, he is more likely to do it if they are girls too. I don't want to scare you but he will.

He is a mysoginist and he will do to your DDs what he is doing to you once they get old enough to challenge him and teenagers always challenge their parents. As they should really.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/03/2011 15:04

He does not sound lovely at all and even when he is not calling you such awful names.

Abusers can be very plausible to those in the outside world; you are seeing his true colours. You will all be profoundly affected by him further if you choose to stay with such an inherently damaged individual.

You must make plans to get away from him; he will destroy you all ultimately. Womens Aid can and will help you.

He is abusing you as well because he can. Abuse is about power and control. Now he's got you to the point where you're showering three times a day because of something he has said:(.

You write that you can stand up for yourself but you are not really able to now are you?. He is systematically wearing you down.

This abusive state of affairs will continue and your children will pick up on all of this as well. You cannot even begin to hope to hide all this from them.

Taghain · 07/03/2011 15:18

"People think I am standoffish and rude"

What makes you think so? Is it your husband who tells you this? They probably like you, but they are put off because your man has told them some shit about you....or they find that whenever they talk to you, H comes to interrupt so you can't make friends do easily.
Really, you are being abused, so do at least go to womens' aid for advice.

Aims80 · 07/03/2011 15:41

Paperhouse, does being in the relationship make you happy? Do you think his presence in the house benefits the children? Do you think he could overcome his obvious issues through therapy/counselling, and do you even want to do that with him? Can you see it getting better unless he has a complete personality change? Has he always been like this?

He sounds hateful to me but you know him best.. you need to sit down and talk to him about how he makes you feel and assess what you really want to do (ie, stay together and put up with it, stay together and get him to work through why he is so vile, or kick him out).

Original poster

PaperHouse · 07/03/2011 15:48

Sorry,schoolrun. Thanks for all the messages of support and advice.

I have sat and talked to him before and he agreed to change of course I wouldn't be posting today oif anything actually had changed.

I know I need to leave and no I have nowhere to go. My parents are nearby but have a tiny house and my Dad works away a lot and my Mum is not a very nice person to live with, she drinks a lot and is not very good with LO's.

In my head I am away and living my life but in reality it is easier said than done.

I also know that a lot of people will fall for his lies, a couple of weeks ago he said "my halo will always come out sparkling" and he is right he can talk to people and they fall over themselves to chat to him and be his mate.

It's all such a flipping mess but I am going to do something I can't just up and leave I don't have money or a job but I will contact womans aid tomorrow when dd is at school again and the lo is sleeping.

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