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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is messing my head up

41 replies

PaperHouse · 07/03/2011 14:21

DH is lovely a lot of the time but when he is tired or stressed he can be vile.

Over the past few months if we row or he is in a temper he will say things about my weight and tell me I smell.

This morning he called me a cunt,fat and told me I smell vile.

When he is Nice DH he says he dosen't mean these things and that everyone says stuff when they are angry but then when he is Nasty DH he will tell me that he does mean it and is lying to upset me when he says I don't smell.

I am now totally paranoid I shower about three times a day and flinch if anyone comes near me in case they can smell me.

I have read about gaslighting on here and don't know if he is doing this to me for example: This morning I heard DD say something to our younger dd and he is trying to convince me I didn't hear anything Confused he does this a lot and is also known for compulsive lying.

Not sure what I want to achieve with this thread just need someone else to know what is going on IYSWIM?

OP posts:
Niecie · 07/03/2011 15:51

Don't worry, his arrogance will be his undoing. People aren't as stupid as he seems to think they are.

If, as I suspect, he is a narcissist, as these kind of nasty manipulative people often are, he will be so focussed on how wonderful he is, he won't even notice that people don't actually agree with him.

Original poster
PaperHouse · 07/03/2011 15:53

I would say I am unhappy 70% of the time and then he does really sweet things and he tells me he loves me all the time. He dosen't moan about housework or money, he spends time with the dc and will always let me have a break from them. But then his temper switches and it is vile.
I have known him since I was 7 and have been with him since my late teens,I am now in my early 30's so this is a long time.

OP posts:
travispickles · 07/03/2011 16:02

Second the NPD thing - he does sound very narcissistic. Also agree you have to leave, for your sake as well as your children's. By the way is he older than you?

Original poster
PaperHouse · 07/03/2011 16:11

No we are the same age. I have googled NPD before and he does have some of the traits but not all of them.

OP posts:
HeartSkipsABeat · 07/03/2011 16:13

He's an abusive Cunt I don't know how you can have any doubt of this. :(

Unless he's got a pretty severe psychiatric disorder that causes this... But I doubt it

GypsyMoth · 07/03/2011 16:14

heartskpsabeat....he could well have a psych disorder. personality disorder

Niecie · 07/03/2011 16:23

Nobody has all the traits. It doesn't stop him being a narcissist. It is just a name for a disorder which might be useful so that you can see it isn't your fault.

In a sense, it doesn't matter anyway. He is how he is and unless he wants to change and is conscious of just what a shit he is, he isn't going to. However, it sounds like he thinks he is bloody wonderful. You are better off out of it. Really, he will swallow up your life and make you doubt yourself at every turn and then he will do the same to your daughters in years to come. You don't have to put up with it. Go whilst you can still see this isn't normal.

welshbyrd · 07/03/2011 16:24

psych disorder that can switch itself off in front of other people?

Nah this man is a bully,a vile, disrespectful waste of space, please ring the Womens aid OP, before what little confidence you have left, disappears, and you feel like you could do no better x

Niecie · 07/03/2011 16:29

Welshbyrd - narcissists are great at appearing wonderful in front most people, it is an act. They don't turn it off their vile behaviour, they cover it up to reinforce their view of themselves as wonderful popular people. It is only those that know them well who have the 'joy' of seeing what they are really like. They are often very clever manipulative people.

As I say though, doesn't matter what you call it, it is still vile.

LittleMissHissyFit · 07/03/2011 17:51

My 'H' told my best friend's H that I had been locked up in a mental institute for 5 YEARS, that HE had slept with 249 women, that he was having an affair with a coleagues wife, planning to marry this woman's sister and was jealous of the fiancees boyfriends.

All of the above utter bollocks. WHY did he tell him this? To break up our friendship.

Apparently everyone said I was miserable, I was never involved in any conversations, he wouldn't let me learn his language, accused me of spying. So what am I supposed to do, sit and laugh like a hyena because everyone else is? or sit and grin inanely stepford wife-esque?

He would tell me the whole building was talking about me and that I was parenting wrongly, not being a good enough wife etc.

Apparently I had bad breath. He kept buying me antibiotics for infections as my nether regions smelt. They didn't. I refused to take them in the end as I was fed up of the thrush taking that stuff gave me. Not ONCE did he offer to take me to a Dr (we were in his godforesaken country for 3yrs, together 6 in the UK)

I came back home, he followed after 8m. During that time I realised what a crock of shit he'd sold me, and vowed never again to take that, Long story short, I left him at the airport just under 3wks ago.

To his friends I was wonderful apparently, he would regularly sing my praises.

Get the hell out NOW. He will never ever get any better, you will never be able to negotiate with him to get him to be a nice person, because that nice person is an act. DON'T waste a second longer with him than you have to. The longer you are with him, the more of yourself you will lose.

Original poster
PaperHouse · 07/03/2011 19:03

Oh LMHF, well done for being so brave.
With regards to the lying he has get better now but in the past he has told some whoppers such as coming home from work and telling me a member of staff had been beat up at work and at one stage he was saving the life of at least one person a week he is not a Doctor or anything Hmm. It has left me paranoid though and I question myself whether he is telling the truth or not.

It's a huge mess, I feel really sad now as I know he isn't going to change.

I probably will not be back tonight as he will be home in 30 mins, thankyou to all you ladies, I will be doing a lot of thinking tonight.

OP posts:
dignified · 07/03/2011 19:14

Thats very worrying Paper , its likeley he has some seious mental health problems.

Original poster
PaperHouse · 07/03/2011 19:19

I think he likes a bit of a drama TBH. It is really odd though he would tell me he had saved a PG woman falling or called 999 for a collapsed pensioner and so on and so on.
Then once he did actually help an old man who had fallen and took a photo on his mobile because "I never believe him".
He gets really offended if I don't believe him, even though he seems unable connect him not telling the truth with me not trusting him anymore.

The more I write the more fucked up it sounds. I was only posting because of the row this morning and the other thread on here about vile things people have said to you.

OP posts:
dignified · 07/03/2011 19:31

To me this sort of shit suggests that he is slightly detatched from reality. The capacity to lie and beleive it himself is worrying .

Does he ever record people , or keep diarys , or brag he has things on people ?

LittleMissHissyFit · 07/03/2011 20:16

"The more I write the more fucked up it sounds."

If it quacks like a duck...

LittleMissHissyFit · 07/03/2011 20:16

Life is too bloody short to put up with this kind of shite. Honestly.

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