Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help me

41 replies

perilousjourney · 07/03/2011 12:46

Please don't judge me - this has come out of the blue and my world has fallen apart

Last night a women I know on FB messaged me to say that years ago, my DH allegedly sexually abused her daughters.

We have a daughter now. I don't know what to do other than to make sure she's safe and talk to her. I tried to talk with him but am at my wits end knowing what to say when really I just want to throw him out. I don't feel I can or should leave.

OP posts:
TheVisitor · 07/03/2011 12:49

Firstly, does this woman have an axe to grind? Why has she not approached the police?

NotWoozy · 07/03/2011 12:51

Did she report him to the police? Any evidence other than her FB message? Any reason you believe her?

Taghain · 07/03/2011 12:51

It may not be true. If it's out of the blue, you shouldn't believe it immediately unless you have other reasons for suspicion.

What does your husband say? What does the woman's daughter say (assuming she's grown up now)?

Original poster
perilousjourney · 07/03/2011 12:52

She's a social worker of many years experience. Her girls are now adults and they don't want it criminalised (yet...I guess it's still possible...I'm now terrified in case the next knock on my door is the police)

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 07/03/2011 12:52

I would take that message straight to the police and ask them to deal with it. They should also be able to tell you whether he's got any convictions for assault.

noddyholder · 07/03/2011 12:53

Have you spoken to him? How did he know them and get close enough for something like that to happen?Is she an ex?

Mouseface · 07/03/2011 12:53

Do you know how old her daughters were? And why she is saying this now?

Do you have any details or just a short message?

I think you need to know more, this is a very serious allegation and if she is lying, could tear your world apart just as much as if she's not Sad

You need more information before you even think about accusing him.

TheVisitor · 07/03/2011 12:53

It sounds fishy. If she's a social worker, then she'll know that she's going completely the wrong way about this. Again, I'll ask, does she have an axe to grind?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 07/03/2011 12:54

how does your dh know this women and her children

Original poster
perilousjourney · 07/03/2011 12:59

OH was friends with her and her partner. I was in a relationship with him when these girls were born and remember them growing up. OH was round there a lot as they had shared interests (OK, smoking lots of dope)

Vis - don't think she's an axe to grind, can't tell really, except at the start of her message she says "I know you never really liked me" which isn't true, I was a bit in awe of her so was quiet/shy around her

Why would the girls lie now though ? What could they hope to achieve ?

From what she said the abuse was exposure and making them touch him. He denies this.

OP posts:
TheVisitor · 07/03/2011 13:08

I do wonder if she is being truthful. If it is true, ask her why she did nothing it the time, as that would make her complicit. I'm inclined to go with smug here.

atswimtwolengths · 07/03/2011 13:09

Why on earth would she tell you that on FB? What's wrong with a phone call or a face-to-face conversation?

How long has she known about this?

Mouseface · 07/03/2011 13:10

Hmm, do you think she'd been drinking?

God how awful. I think you need much more information if this is true, the circumstances that night (booze or drugs) what she did at the time, was she even there?

What the girls did at the time..... it's all just a bit , well, odd to start throwing this at your partner, if it's so long after the event.

And for both of the girls to have been involved, who else was there?

This is awful, truly awful. Which ever way it pans out.

Original poster
perilousjourney · 07/03/2011 13:16

Only found out about it this weekend she said.

Girls' father (from whom she's now separated) has been ill so the girls were staying with her and it kind of "cropped up" in conversation.

I now know OH has had a caution aged 15 or 16 for indecent exposure (he's now 51). This woman also knows this.

Just can't imagine why they would (a) tell her now or (b) make it up

I feel sick for my little girl now, can't bring myself to speak to him.

Phoned a good mate earlier (also a social worker, God bless her) as you can understand I'm a bit limited as to who I can actually discuss this with and she said my main priority was to make sure firstly my daughter was OK, then look after her and myself. Anything else that happens is out of my hands

I'm still terrified.

OP posts:
TheVisitor · 07/03/2011 13:19

Okay, it's sounding a little more plausible. I would also take your friend's advice about making sure that your daughter is safe. I think you need to take advice from someone about this, rather than from anonymous people on an internet forum. x

Mouseface · 07/03/2011 13:21

Oh peril Sad

This is awful! I agree, it's odd, why now, why bring it up?

You do need to talk to him though, he needs to give his side of the story too.

Original poster
perilousjourney · 07/03/2011 13:21

Any ideas ?

Thought about Samaritans as a starting point ? Or NSPCC ?

trying to work out how to broach the subject with my daughter (she's 11) without pressure or prejudice.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 07/03/2011 13:23

Maybe they have only just told her so how could she have brought it up any earlier.They may have buried it and then as adults discussed it and wanted to get it out in the open.If he has a previous caution then that does make things different. It depends what they and you decide to do with this information. If she is a social worker then she will know how serious this accusation is and what the consequences could be Sad

Original poster
perilousjourney · 07/03/2011 13:23

...have to log off for a bit so can I just say thanks to you all for being so supportive.

I half expected to be jumped on and nailed to the wall with shouts of "Kill the paedo sick bastard with an axe" or summat

Thanks

OP posts:
TheVisitor · 07/03/2011 13:23

You don't talk to your daughter about it at this time. I'd start by contacting the NSPCC or Childline for help. They'll point you in the right direction to get advice.

TheVisitor · 07/03/2011 13:24

I don't do rants like that. Grin Dopeheads can do bloody stupid things, so be prepared. x

sakura · 07/03/2011 13:25

I agree with Notsuch,
I think you should take the info to the police. One way or another the truth will out. I'd be very wary of going down the "women tend to be liars" route

Mouseface · 07/03/2011 13:26

Women's Aid could also help. Talk to them to see if the can.

You don't have to give any personal details, just ask if they know what you can do.

As bad as this looks, you need to keep in mind that this actually might NOT be true.

You need to find out much more before pointing the finger.

NSPCC can advise you on how to talk to your daughter, and if need me, Social Services can request 'tests' at hospital. Your local Child Protect Unit may also get involved.

Once you start down that path, you can't go back.

Do what you feel is best for you and your daughter.

Maybe start with Women's Aid or NSPCC and see what they suggest.

EmmaBGoode · 07/03/2011 13:29

I would go straight to the police. They have trained officers to deal with this kind of thing.

Taghain · 07/03/2011 14:22

and try not to worry too much about your daughter unless you have had other reasons for concern. You know very few details yet, nor whether the other woman is telling you the whole story. Unless you have actually talked to her daughters yourself.

It may have been one drunken incident when he was stoned and the girls were nearly adult...you don't know. And I'd have thought that his own daughter wouldn't be at risk anyway, just like you wouldn't fancy your own family.