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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help me

41 replies

perilousjourney · 07/03/2011 12:46

Please don't judge me - this has come out of the blue and my world has fallen apart

Last night a women I know on FB messaged me to say that years ago, my DH allegedly sexually abused her daughters.

We have a daughter now. I don't know what to do other than to make sure she's safe and talk to her. I tried to talk with him but am at my wits end knowing what to say when really I just want to throw him out. I don't feel I can or should leave.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 07/03/2011 14:24

fgs

squeakytoy · 07/03/2011 15:17

Taghain, your last sentence shows a great deal of ignorance about sexual abuse towards children. :(

Perilous, this must have come as the most godawful shock and I think the first thing is to have more contact with this woman and ask for more details, hard as it may be, you need to get the full story.

There could be nothing in this at all, there could be some sort of revenge involving a spurned advance, it could be true, but until you get the full story, you wont know where to start with this.

Orchidlady · 07/03/2011 16:53

Hang on a minute, someone you used to know sent a random message on face book and it seems all of a sudden your H is a paedophile. Unless there is a lot more than your saying I think you firstly need to give your H a chance to speak for himself. A very similar thing happened to us several years ago but the accused was my teenage son that was supposedly molested her 3 year old daughter. To cut a long story short, I immediately demanded a f2f meeting and with her and husband, it turned out there was no basis for her accusation and she was just a sad lonely fucked up vindictive witch. The point is this could have seriously damaged my son, you know what people are like, even if someone is completely innocent people have this attitude no smoke without fire. At the time I was absolutely mortified, shocked and then angry. This is very serious. I would round that persons house like a shot. Also I am concerned why someone who is supposed to be a professional would use FB to deal with this, also the bit about you not liking her, sorry where is the relevance?

usualsuspect · 07/03/2011 16:58

Seems a bit odd for her to use fb to tell you something as serious as this
you need to speak to her face to face

squeakytoy · 07/03/2011 17:10

It is possible that this woman doesnt know where the Op lives, or wanted to be sure of contacting her directly (FB being a fairly certain way of a message getting to the right person), and increasingly more and more people do use FB as their main method of communication.

It could be that this woman is genuine, but also mistaken or has been told completely malicious information, but if it concerns her daughters, then she has to act upon it, but may want to find out more herself first rather than rushing to the police.

usualsuspect · 07/03/2011 17:13

I still think that fb is not really the way to communicate a serious allegation ..she could have used fb to set up a meeting if she didn't know the ops address etc ..I wouldn't go rushing to the police without a face to face meeting with the woman

noddyholder · 07/03/2011 17:24

I wonder why she didn't contact your dh direct?

GypsyMoth · 07/03/2011 17:26

maybe she was putting op in the picture before going to the police. she was probablly shocked and not thinking straight,,,,,only thinking about stopping further damage being done

charlottesmum5 · 07/03/2011 17:28

tbh I would contact the NSPCC for advice. I work in Safeguarding and we are told that you should never ask any questions to the abuser (or alleged abuser) and also never to the victim. You should always get advice. If she is a social worker she would be well aware of the official procedures!

ScarlettWalking · 07/03/2011 17:31

"It may have been one drunken incident when he was stoned and the girls were nearly adult...you don't know. And I'd have thought that his own daughter wouldn't be at risk anyway, just like you wouldn't fancy your own family."

Shock are you serious? You don't have a clue what you are talking about.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 07/03/2011 17:33

So, you think him capable then? Because on the say so of a fb message you've leapt to a pretty serious conclusion. If someone accused my DH of this, I wouldn't be so quick to assume they were telling the truth.

ScarlettWalking · 07/03/2011 17:41

OP can you give some more details of his previous conviction for indecent exposure? What/ where were the circumstances and what does he say about the incident?

What is your gut feeling about this? - you know him we don't and to compare it with how we feel about our husbands and partners is totally irrelevant to your specific circs.

MABS · 07/03/2011 17:47

i think you need some professional advice, please take care of yourself in all this, am so very sorry.

TheSecondComing · 07/03/2011 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sakura · 08/03/2011 02:25

I think that everyone (joe public) believe that women have a tendency to lie.
Sometimes they aren't lying, so getting the authorities involved is a good move one way or another because that's the best way to out the truth.
If she was lying, then that's slander and quite serious in itself. If she's not lying (and I personally believe that women, in fact, don't tend to lie) then the authorities are still the best place to go.

EmmaBGoode · 08/03/2011 08:49

Orchidlady, so sorry your family were put through that Sad

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