Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Othello syndrome - survivors?

80 replies

itsamystery · 06/03/2011 15:08

Anyone out there living with or has lived with a DP with Othello Syndrom (sexual jealousy)? I'd be interested to hear thoughts, experiences, stories, outcomes, etc.

Thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

itsamystery · 06/03/2011 19:45

Well I think so. My friend has been with someone for about a year now and every so often (about once a month on average), he gets into a black mood and doesn't speak to her for a few days. When they finally manage to clear the air, he confesses he thought she was seeing someone else and also that he had been rifling through her receipts and mobile phone for evidence (which he didn't find as its non existent, iykwim). She's coping with it OK but finds the moody silences really hard. She's tried suggesting it's his problem (in a nice way) but he believes if she adapted some of her behaviour, it might help him.

I'm not on here for advice to give to my friend on how to handle this, just interested to hear how other people's experiences panned out in the end. Or how some people may be currently dealing with it.

OP posts:

IngridBergmann · 06/03/2011 19:55

Gosh that sounds horrible. I actually did have a boyfriend who was like that, for a couple of months.

He seemed fairly normal but when I was chatting away and casually mentioned an ex boyfriend, he would suddenly glare at me, say something really horrible and sarcastic, and usually storm out of my house, slamming the door.

It was weird and VERY upsetting, had I known him a long time I'd perhaps not have freaked out but it did scare me enough to finish the relationship.

I could not tread on eggshells like that. It did my head in.

I hope your friend manages to find a balance - is she thinking of leaving him or just of finding a way to overcome his problem? Fwiw I think he would need to want to stop it, and get some proper counselling, if there was to be any hope of him changing.

IngridBergmann · 06/03/2011 19:56

and by the way - no, she should NOT adapt her behaviour, imho, because that would not solve the problem and he would start to take advantage of the idea that she thought his needs reasonable iyswim.

They are categorically not and she mustn't pander to them. He is the one with the problem.

Original poster

itsamystery · 06/03/2011 19:57

And that's because from other threads I've read on similar behaviour, the advice given is normally "get rid of him, leave", etc, and I just wondered if anyone stuck it out, whether it got resolved (through counselling or something) or whether people generally ended the relationship as it became clear it wouldn't get any better.

Indeed, some stuff I've read on the web seems to suggest if it gets really bad, it can lead to homicide or suicide and I obviously love my friend and want her to be safe.

OP posts:

Mouseface · 06/03/2011 19:58

Glad you came back too OP.

Do you think he is treating your friend like this because he's been cheated on in the past, or is (or has been) cheating himself, therefore projecting his guilt?

Not a nice situation at all.

Original poster

itsamystery · 06/03/2011 19:59

Sorry to xpost ingrid, thanks for your response.

OP posts:

Original poster

itsamystery · 06/03/2011 20:00

mouseface, I don't know. I don't know much about his background tbh.

OP posts:

IngridBergmann · 06/03/2011 20:02

No worries. I don't think mine had been cheated on, BUT he did have a big family of elder brothers and a sister and he always said he felt - I don't remember now, but different to the others, I think he was an 'accident' or something.

And though he was close to his mum as an adult, it was like he couldn't stand the thought that they had all had her love before he did.

So, he transposed that onto his girlfriends. He said he wished he had met me first when I was still a virgin and he'd been the only one to have me.

It was sad really but very unnerving and sinister. I was afraid of him, yes.

Original poster

itsamystery · 06/03/2011 20:07

That does sound quite frightening ingrid. It unnerves me how fragile the human mind is really.

OP posts:

Mouseface · 06/03/2011 20:07

God Ingrid - that would have me heading for the door.

Do you think he knew you were afraid? IYSWIM? Maybe he played the victim, poor me, no-one understands me and my parents didn't really want me card?

Itsamystery - it sounds like he actually might need help of some sort? Support or even counselling. I wonder why it's once a month? Why only then and not all the time?

What changes over time to make him think she's cheating. Very odd.

Original poster

itsamystery · 06/03/2011 20:10

Yes, I don't know, it is wierd, that's for sure. I suspect it's always there in the back of his mind but comes out under certain circumstances. For example, one time she came to mine in floods after she'd been on a works social function the night before and he was throwing her snide remarks and giving her the cold shoulder. Another time was preceeded by a particularly hard week at work for him.

OP posts:

IngridBergmann · 06/03/2011 20:11

I'm not sure, Mouse...it was odd, I don't know if he realised but it seemed to be something he couldn't help and wanted to justify.

When I tried to talk to him calmly about it later he actually tried to make out that he was right, and I shouldn't have slept with or spoken to these people, and then he wouldn't feel so bad. He actually used to sit there sulking and pouting like a four year old - 'It's not fair!' sort of thing.

Very very very odd. and I'm glad I got out when I did as it clearly wasn't going away.

IngridBergmann · 06/03/2011 20:16

Itsamystery,

it really does sound upsetting for your friend, and I would be suggesting to her that she leaves the relationship - which might be hard, it's usually a hard decision to make under these circs, ie when someone is often normal but flips out regularly. You kind of don't want to deal with the once a month issue as it's a minority of the time.

But it is a horrible, horrible feeling to be accused or treated like that and I think she needs to look after herself and not let him make his problems into her problems for a minute longer.

She could tell him that if he gets counselling, she will consider taking him back once he has completed it - not during it, but afterwards. If their love is real they can wait for his problem to be sorted out.

It sounds like he uses her in his transference. It's none of it her fault or anything to do with her - it's deep seated and to do with his childhood probably. No one is this weird just from a previous relationship. that's why it can take years to sort out even with therapy.

I hope she leaves him, I really do. No one should go through that sort of shite.

Tillyscoutsmum · 06/03/2011 20:19

I haven't heard of Othello syndrome but it sounds like it was something my ex h had.

He was always convinced I was having an affair. He was very jealous and possessive - I never went out because it wasn't worth the sulking/interrogation before and after. He would try and dictate what I could and couldn't wear. If I put on weight and tried to lose it, he would accuse me of trying to diet for "someone else".

He used to drop me off and pick me up from work. The only time I ever went out was to the gym one night per week after work. I usually went with 2 friends. The gym was just down the road from my work so he would pick me up from outside my work. One evening, one of my friends didn't come to the gym. The other one decided to stay a bit later and do another class because her dad couldn't pick her up until later, so I went to be picked up by ex h on my own. About 2 mins before I came out, one of the male partners from the office where I work left the office (he had obviously been working late) and my ex h was utterly convinced I had not been to the gym and had actually been in the office with this man. I was 21 at the time. The male partner was in his late 40's.

Just an example. He was always making ridiculous assumptions. He turned violent in the end. Beat me up once because I had apparently been flirting with his BIL.

Tillyscoutsmum · 06/03/2011 20:21

He had "ishoos" from childhood - alcoholic mum who died when he was a young teen. He was always convinced I would "leave him like she did"

The irony of course being that he was the one who had the affair (discovered by me when his mistress turned up on my doorstep 8 months pg with his child ).

Mouseface · 06/03/2011 20:22

Ingrid

Itsamystery - so there are triggers, albeit ones that are mostly random.

So if he's tired, he feels threatend and points the finger, if she goes out, he feels vunerable, as if he may lose her and points the finger.

Daft question here, does he smoke weed? Or use other drugs/drinks a lot, not sure you'd know but I just wonder if his own insecurities are driving this.

I'm sure she loves him but he has to get help for this to be a happy ending, surely?

Mouseface · 06/03/2011 20:27

Tilly - my XP would always say to me that I looked good for everyone else, and time for everyone else, but not him.

If I 'made an effort' when leaving the house, he'd follow me, check I was actually going to the shops etc......

Thing is, he had a string of women on the go. And it turned out that he wasn't a very nice man in the end. Violent and abusive.

But he always blamed me for making him that way. It was my fault he cheated and lost it, I wound him up by wearing nice clothes and sleeping with other men.

Apparently

Mouseface · 06/03/2011 20:27

'had' time for... sorry, DS is using me as a mountain

squeakytoy · 06/03/2011 20:32

If I was only a year into a relationship, with no financial ties, and no kids with the bloke, I would be off into the sunset with my suitcase...

Mouseface · 06/03/2011 20:36

squeaky - I was wondering why she'd stayed this long. I wonder what he actually says to her, how he gets her to accept his behaviour.

We don't know enough really.

I always said I'd leave a man who hit me, raped me, abused me in any way.

It's not until you are in that situation that you know what you would really do.

Tillyscoutsmum · 06/03/2011 20:40

I agree with squeaky but then hindsight is a wonderful thing. Ex h started off normal, then had very occasional jealous episodes and they got more and more frequent and worse each time. By the end, he was constantly accusing me/following me etc. It was gradual though. I was with him for 7 years and the ridiculous thing was, that it wasn't the jealousy, controlling behaviour or even abuse which made me leave.

In my case, my self esteem was low when I met him and he made me feel flattered. I thought he loved me so much, he couldn't bear the thought of losing me. It sounds crazy now - but that was how he made me feel at the time.

squeakytoy · 06/03/2011 20:45

Thats it though Tilly, most men manage to behave perfectly normally in the first year of a relationship, which is why it is so easy to be lulled into thinking they are always going to be so nice.

If this bloke is already behaving like a tosser, it can only get worse.

GKlimt · 06/03/2011 20:50

As I understand it, Othello Syndrome is a description of paranoid thinking & behaviour resulting from a wide variety of different psychiatric disorders - psychosis, depression, personality problems, alcoholism, cannabis/amphetamine abuse.

And of the extreme nature described by TSM So not really open to 'counselling'

Othello syndrome or not. Not sure why yr friend would want to share her life with someone like this. IMO can only end in tears.

Does yr friends partner smoke cannabis by any chance?

Mouseface · 06/03/2011 20:54

I asked that too siobahn, great minds.

garlicbutter · 06/03/2011 21:36

My ex would tell you I was irrationally jealous - he certainly told me often enough. I wasn't like this before I met him - he made me insecure. Turned out he was shagging all over the place.

I know there are people who're pathologically jealous and it's usually due to an 'insecure attachment style' originating from feelings of abandonment in early childhood. I've learned that I have got some attachment issues, which the ex obviously played on in order to keep me wrong-footed.

Flip

1 2 3 4