Nervous hello - forever single

[allmyfriendsaremarried]

Hey, I usually just lurk on here as I don't really think anyone will think I'm normal. I am 28 and would love to have a family but for one small problem. I am yet to find any man who can appreciate what I have to offer, or even be remotely interested in me. My sister has two lovely children and is very jealous of my lifestyle. But she doesn't understand just how lonely it is. Most of my friends are now married with children and so my social circle has narrowed somewhat. I do go out and have hobbies were I meet people, just never find anyone who is interested in me as more than a friend. My job is not well paid and work long hours which does not help either. I also paid a lot of money to go on match.com last year and couldn't even get any interest off there. My friends are all lovely and don't understand why I never find anyone, after 10 years of saying 'the right one will come along,' even they are now saying to be positive and just enjoy not having to pick up after someone. So should I just give up or am I really being silly.

Don't give up but don't pin all your happiness on the thought of finding a partner.

I think it's good that you are obviously being discerning and not leaping into bad relationships just for the sake of being with someone - let's face it, it's not hard to 'get' a bloke - pub closing time wearing a low cut dress but finding a bloke worth getting is very, very hard, as you know.

You are doing exactly the right thing, don't let it get you down - enjoy your life as it is, as much as you can.

I would be pissed off with your friends though. Don't they want to invite you to things just because you are single? One of my best mates is a single mum and to be honest I never thing about it, and I certainly wouldn't think 'oh I can't invite her, she's single.'

Thanks for your kind words, on the friend's invitations, they are all far too busy taking their DC or DH to outings with other similar couples so I get left out or if I do go then their associated friends look at me like I am some kind of freak a la Bridget Jones in the couples dinner scene.Or the other thing that has happened to me a lot more since I passed 25 is that a lot of women around here seem to think I will want to steal their husband and so are very frosty. I have never done anything that bad I am a little flirty but FGS if I wasn't then I would be accused of being a miserable bitch. I would rather have someone with no strings, even though usually their husbands are the ones throwing their attentions my way.
I do worry about the future though. Due to some wierd family thing (too complicated to go into here) I am not going to inherit anything unless I marry either. This is not a reason to get married or start a relationship/family but just another thing I don't need.

WRT the inheritance thing, it might be worth consulting a lawyer, it is quite likely that putting such a condition in a will is unreasonable and won't stand up legally.
As to the rest of it, keep pursuing the hobbies and interests for your social life: if the majority of your friens are Noah's Arkers (incapable of coping with someone who is not In A Couple) then bin them and find new ones. Not everyone is like this. ANd do bear in mind that Noah's Arkers are the people with the problem in that they are smallminded, boring and scared. There is nothing wrong with being single, it's much better than being in a crap relationship.

I was interested to see this thread because I have exactly the same problem. I'm 29, long-termly single since university, and it seems like all of my friends are getting married at the moment, and I expect babies will soon be on the way, and then our lives will be pretty different. I like children and wouldn't have a problem with accommodating the fact that children have to come first, but I do wonder whether friends will start preferring to socialise with other parents.

I also have a pretty intensive job and everyone where I work is married (often to each other!), and the location isn't great for meeting people. I'd much rather be single than be in a crappy relationship, and financial independence is not to be sneezed at, but, yes, it can be lonely.

I don't know what the answer is, given that a lot of single men my age seem to be completely deluded about what real women are actually like or what a grown-up relationship involves. My mother's best friend has a daughter about my age in the same situation and neither of them can understand why we can't find decent relationships.

Fairphyllis, I am so glad I am not alone, I only know of one girl from my school (nice girls grammar) that is not married/engaged/in some sort of relationship with/without children. Our mothers dispair. The men of our age seem to be either looking for a mother replacement, which is impossible as they are practically still breastfeeding, they have been spoilt so much or want some kind of porn star. I am sick and tired of hearing, 'you can do much better than me' which is code for 'now I have said that I can now treat you like a piece of poo'.
My sister occaisionally slips into smug couple mode, which is not pleasant. I am not interested in hearing the 'when I was your age I was having my first child'

I think as the others on this thread have said the only thing you can do is to live your life so that you are happy, and look on it as a bonus if you meet someone nice. And it is better to realise that some guy is self-entitled child before you get sucked into a long-term relationship, as a lot of the really sad threads on here show.

But it is tough. I am sad at the thought that if I do ever have children my lovely parents might be too old for them to have a proper relationship like I had with my grandparents.

Anyway, my grandmother's cynicism about marriage and children always cheers me up - she always says: "If I'd opened a laundry instead of getting married at least I would have been paid."

OP, I'm interested to know why you say that you are yet to find "any man who can appreciate what I have to offer, or even be remotely interested in me". It sounds to me as if you have very little confidence in yourself as men come in all shapes and sizes and I actually believe that there is more than one person for everyone. Just open your eyes.

You are SO young! It seems that your peers are mostly of a very conventional mind-set; settling down and having babies in your 20s is in my mind far too young. Can you not seek out new friends who are happy being young and don't see themselves planning their weddings for a good while, if ever!

I think the key issue here is to stop comparing yourself to your friends and your sister, very hard I know. But you need to expand your social circle and embrace the lifestyle you have. And just to let you know, I had my first child at 42, am now divorced and as happy as Larry. I make sure that I surround myself with like-minded people and am brimming with self-confidence (although I wasn't at your age) and have no problem getting dates.

So please stop beating yourself up and enjoy being young without the enormous contraints that marriage and children place on you.

What a sad set of emails! If it makes any of you feel any better, you are not alone and it is not just eligible women who are single..... I work in a job full of hard working and decent young men in their 20's and 30's, but, for whatever reason, loads of us are single because we live in London, rent rooms, work anti-social hours and then do everything possible to escape the UK in the holidays (I think you can guess our jobs). Don't get me wrong, it's a nice life, but we live in a bubble which is essentially protected but can be a little lonely and shut off.

Nice men are out there, but many have unconventional lives, me included... you just have to be imaginative to find them! Keep trying x

Oh I missed how young you are OP. Your friends are limiting their own potential by having been so desperate to settle down, you are far smarter than them in avoiding doing so. RIght now you should be enjoying like and finding out who you really are and what you really want. Your body clock is not ticking yet.
I am 46 and have never married or lived with a partner. And I am very glad about that, because I woudn't have liked it.

I think it's a little sad that your and your friend's mothers despair of you instead of being proud of their independent daughters who have high standards. I'd despair of any child of mine who thought that getting married and having babies was the be-all and end-all of their existence. It isn't your bounden duty to produce more human beings for this overcrowded world. My siblings are happy enough to have left carrying on the family genes to me, as "you like that sort of thing" (btw I married in my mid 20s and am now divorced - marry in haste, repent at leisure, as they say).

Actually, you say nobody has shown any interest in you, but then you go on to repeat things which ineligible men have said to you. That means they are interested, they're just not good enough for you to be interested back. Finding a good one is the trick, but you won't be available for Mr Right if you settled years before for Mr Right Now!

And what SGB said. You so do not need a man to complete you. You're a whole human being already.

As a fellow lurker, I am in exactly the same position as the OP (except I am 35!) You are very young, and I agree with those who have said you need to be a complete human being first, and not make a man the centre of your life, etc. But being single when you're not feeling happy and positive about it is a horribly lonely place. It's just nicer to have someone to kiss and cuddle and go to the cinema with.

I have been pretty much single for 8 out of the last 10 years, so I am plainly the last person in the world you should be taking advice from :o But I would stay away from bloody dating sites (my one remaining single friend says they only attract "freaks, geeks and uniques"!)

Ironically, my last relationship was with someone who one of my married friends fixed me up with at a dinner party. I don't think their reaction to your single-ness is normal.

I'd take a slightly different tack and suggest that you get a lot more proactive in looking for someone. Hobbies where you meet people are no good if what you're looking for is a partner/date. Start asking people out yourself. Flirt with available men. Go back on match.com or similar and make the first move yourself. Don't wait for Mr Right but try to go out with a variety of different men, just for fun - it'll build your confidence and help you work out what kind of person or relationship you want.

It may also be that you have some mental or emotional block that you're not aware of - I know this was my case when I was your age. I actually had therapy though I wouldn't necessarily recommend it to someone else. But keep an open mind and find out as much as you can about how other people get into relationships and how good relationships work. I read a lot of books, kept a diary, got very nosey about other people's situations, learnt a heck of a lot and gradually worked things out. I went on to have several long-term relationships in my 30s, some good, some bad, and had a baby at 43. It didn't really get easier to meet people - I just got better at knowing how to do it, and a lot more determined to (I too was lonely on my own, in spite of having a full, rich life in other respects).

I've read your post but not the whole thread.

I read something interesting the other day about women looking for partners (I'm single too).

It said that women always look for 'Mr Right'......but are you 'Miss Right' ? That really struck a chord with me. I took it to mean are you somebody that others would find attractive ? eg lovely personality, smiley, kind, confident etc and making the best of yourself to make yourself a real catch.

If you're really happy with yourself you're more likely to attract someone worthy of you. Be your own best friend.

Don't give up, and why would you even entertain this notion at such a young age?

I cerainly am in the minority here when I say that wanting a serious relationship in your 20's isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes you meet a man who inspires you, or moulds and shapes your worldview. For example, before I met my ex, I disliked classical music, and now, I cannot last a day without listening to a classical piece (new or old). Another lover encouraged an appreciation for world cinema i.e films from Africa, the Middle East, Asia etc. These are just examples to illustrate how I am a more well rounded as a person because of these relationships.

Please don't pay to join any dating sites; most of the members are usually on free sites as well. Whatever you do, avoid PoF; it was a great place to meet people 3 or 4 years ago (and I did) but that is no longer the case; most of them are married, or single and just looking for an easy shag.

OkCupid is great for someone in your age group (I fall in this age group too and I have heard good things about it), so if you haven't already done so, please try it out .

No, forget the dating websites. The Guardian one is fairly good but I only made friends on there..!

You will meet people in real life and the funny thing is, as you get older and you still haven't had kids, and you still haven't got yourself into a sticky relationship for the hell of it, as a woman (perhaps not for blokes - people think there's something wrong with a bloke!) you begin to become very, very unusual and desirable.

So for instance a man you meet through work in a couple of years will be amazed that you are still available, with your great career and lack of baggage. You are a gift waiting to be claimed

I did it wrong - I got a bit desperate and took the first man who said he loved me, and he was sadly married...and I had children, as well, and being on yourown with children and teetering towards forty, you will not be seen as particularly desirable because of all the difficulties of that stuff. ie 'baggage'.

Trust me and trust in yourself and keep on keeping on. He will turn up and you have a good 10-12 years to have children.

just be patient. I know it's hard. But if you snap and end up doing anything out of desperation, you will almost certainly regret it.

Good luck x

By the way, I am generalising massively! So take what you want from what I have said, but it is something I've thought about a lot and it's how I see it happening sometimes.

If only i had just waited and done my own thing instead of getting obsessed with someone else so early on...I was really popular at about your age, loads and loads of men wanted to go out with me, move in with me, all that stuff - and I was only interested in this one man I couldn't have, and as soon as I had a child, they all just disappeared.

Okay I have a slightly different response to the others here - and my answer might not be the one for you - but it's what worked for me.

I was 30 and single and really, really down about it. People who say 'oh he'll turn up' are missing the point - it's lonely being single - and you endup feeling unlovable.

I decided (partly for other reasons too, such as being very anxious) to see a therapist - it was the best thing I have ever done. I looked back over my past and all the relationships I had had - why they didnt work out, why I felt unloveable - and I suddenly saw the reason I was single was really down to me and my own choices. That was hard to accept - and it's also complicated, I can't go into here the many ways in which I had limited my own life - and your own reasons will be personal.

I can't give you the answers here - but I have seen it with other friends who were single for long periods, there were often real reasons , based on their own family history - that left them choosing badly/ lacking in the confidence needed to be open to relationships/ or the confidence to let men know how they felt/ be happy once they did meet someone.

All the while, they are thinking, oh there is something wrong with me - and it's a vicious circle.

Just as an example - I have a friend who is lovely and very pretty but always single - I can see that she is so shy and reserved, she has spent years trying to hide it whenever she likes a man - so he won't know. She is hoping for a knight on shining armour - but not seeing that whenever there is a man she likes/ who likes her, she backs away. She actually can't see she is doing this and becomes more and more despondent.

Or - in my case - I was so desperate to meet someone, I would get into ridiculous relationships with awful men, that would be disastrous and short lived. AS soon as I saw this - and the whole complex web of my own choices, I calmed down, tried to be confident in myself and believe I would meet the right person - and I did.

So - we all have different ways of sabotaging our happiness - but sit down and make a list of your relationship patterns..(good book - Oliver James - They fuck you up - read it to learn how our family patterns affect our relationship choices) even if you think there is nothing there, have a real hard look at how you have behaved while trying to find men.

The sad truth is, if you lack confidence in yourself, you won't find the right person for you. Step one - build that confidence and believe in yourself.

6 months into the therapy, age 31, I met my soul mate - (having thought I would die alone and be eaten by cats!) and the therapist gave me the confidence in the early stages, not to blow it by being a nutter!

Final point - I dont agree that if you just sail on as normal mr right will turn up - I think you have to enjoy an active hunt! Instead of dating websites - choose new activities/ ways of spending your time where you know you will meet new people. Not just new men - but new friends.

Go to festivals with just one mate - talk to strangers - join a choir/ orchestra/ find a couple of single mates and go clubbing / go on adventure holidays / start cycling and join a cycling club - whatever, but if you set out to meet friends, develop your passions in life, the man will follow.

and...have some therapy!

I think you need to focus on widening your circle of friends, OP. I am 33 and long-term single (currently trying to work up the courage to have therapy as I feel I have a lot of ishoos that stop me forming romantic relationships) but I don't feel so bad about it. If it weren't for the biological clock, I wouldn't worry at all!

Nearly all of my school friends are married with babies, but they are sensitive and kind and include me in their activities. They do not make me feel like Bridget Jones or see me as a threat. They are supportive, invite me to their parties/holidays, and I get to be an honorary aunty to all their gorgeous children! I have had to make the effort to take an interest in their family life, trek out of town to see them at home when their children were very small, remember the children's birthdays etc, but it's worth it.

I also have lots of male and female friends of all ages who are single. I invest special time and effort in these friendships as I know being single can be lonely, and I look out for new single friends. When I have sorted out my problems, I'm sure I will meet someone through my social network (have tried internet dating a few times - never again). There have already been a couple of possibilities in this way but my self-sabotaging ways have stopped anything happening. :(

So basically, concentrate on making more friends, especially single ones. You will feel less lonely, have more people to go out and do things with, and increase your chances of meeting someone special in a normal way. And do look into therapy - waterrat is so right! Most of the long-term single people I know do have at least one relatively obvious "issue" that stops them meeting someone.

wellwisher, therapy was just amazing - it is hard and scary to look into your own choices over your life, but I cannot recommend it more highly, it completely transformed my life.

Even though I knew sort of what was going wrong, I didnt really understand how deeply ingrained my beliefs/ thought patterns were and how much they affected my life choices.

I completely agree with your advice about meeting friends - it is really important when you are single to make sure you have single friends. And also to be tough on yourself and get involved with family life for those with kids. But the balance is up to you.

And remember OP - there are lots of people in couples who are not happy. Happiness is not the preserve of the coupled up! Many people stick in shit relationships too scared to leave.

you are free - and that means you are free to make sure you are in a good position yourself so that when you meet the right man for you, you are feeling confident and secure in yourself.

Wellwisher,

You give good advice, however judging from some of the threads I have read on this sub-forum, it seems that making new friends is almost as hard, if not harder than meeting men. Not saying this to discredit your opinion, just wanted to add my own observation. What are your thoughts on this?

Um... personally, I am a lot more choosy about boyfriends than I am about friends, so finding friends is relatively easy for me. They don't have to be soulmates - I have a few longstanding "best" friends, and a much bigger circle of people who I like and respect, but see only once or twice a month. They might become best friends, they might not. I'm very open to friendship and I don't worry about having loads in common - if someone seems kind, sparky and shares my sense of humour (i.e. laughs at my jokes/makes me laugh), I'll do my best to establish a bond. I spend most time with single people in their twenties and thirties who live and work in my city but I have friends from lots of different backgrounds, aged from 19 - 65, boys, girls, gay, straight, loaded, skint, whatever. I just like people, and I find everyone I spend time with has something to teach me (like your lovers, LadyFanny).

I think I do make friends relatively easily - I'm outgoing and smily, I don't take myself seriously, and I've moved jobs a lot and travelled on my own so I'm used to making the first move to break the ice. Anyone can do it though; it's about being genuinely interested in people, finding things to like about them and then making an effort. I have friends from school, university, various jobs, the gym, my neighbourhood, travelling, etc. Work is probably the easiest place for most people to make friends. I would not work in a place where people were miserable and unfriendly - if I can't make something fun, I move on.

In case I sound smug and Pollyanna-ish, I'd just like to add that I am totally unable to use my social skills on men I fancy - when faced with an attractive man, let alone one who appears to like me, I become nervous, awkward, standoffish and bitchy and cannot relax until I have driven him away. It is a highly unsatisfactory situation.

@ cannot relax until I have driven him away.

Thanks for responding! You don't sound smug at all; just refreshingly open and honest.

Fanny, you're wrong about PoF. I've recently met several nice, clever men who are single and not just looking for a shag and have just become exclusive.

You're right about not bothering with paid-sites though because a lot are on PoF too, you just need to do more sifting.

I really agree with everyone who says that it's about putting in more effort (while enjoying it) rather than just hoping 'it will happen'. You wouldnt think that way about work or any other dream....just get out there and have fun, making sure you meet new people.

And be really honest about wanting it. there is bullshit pressure on single people - normally from people in couples who are actually miserable! - to pretend they are having a great time being single.

But if you want to meet someone just be honest and open and try to really focus on the kind of man you want.

For everyone reading this who is single and struggling to meet someone - I really think it's about putting your heart into it, facing up to any problems/ issues that you have that in your heart you think might be stopping you enjoying relationships/ having the confidence to meet people ...and getting out there.

And ...do some things that improve your confidence - climb a mountain, join british military fitness, run a marathon, cycle across scotland..whatever you like! but something that will enhance your life, make you feel like a new person and help you meet people...

It's very very important to have things to focus on that are not just about 'meeting someone'. Because it's absolutely vital for women to remember how much more there is to live than Having A Man.
As wellwisher says, concentrate on finding friends to have fun with. If you are horny a lot of the time, buy a vibrator. Throw yourself into life, not partner-hunting. Oh and if you have any books on How To Catch A Man, particularly horribly misogynistic shit like Venus & Mars or The Rules, set fire to them.