Why don't I want sex with my DH?

[fairysad]

The children have just gone for a visit to our lovely neighbours. DH is waiting in the living room.
Want to have sex?
um.......

Why don't I?
I just have no interest at all
We have always been happy to look at magazines together so DH brings one telling me the stories are good (the bit I like best). He then starts flicking through, presumably expecting me to get turned on by the images, but it just doesn't work for me.
I don't get turned on at the closing of a door, I get nervous, make excuses and try to stall until it is too late.
I can't do it under pressure. Though I am sure we woudl have plenty time befor ethe children are back.
I just wasn't prepared.
I shoudl have been though, I know he is horny. He is so good abouit it though, mu lack of interest. Other might get fed up. It has been so long.

Not all me though. He is on a health kick, has been for about a year. He likes an early bed and puts that before any hanky panky. I am a night owl and am happy for him to go to bed, that way I get peace to myself, and can avoid the whole thing.

I just don't seem to have any interest in it at all.
The more he asks the more I avoid. As I say he is not pressuring me.
he is in a no win situation, no pressure, no sex, no ask, no sex.
And every time it comes up, my stomach just drops and I am looking for the nearest exit.
I don't know what to do.

Do you still find him attractive. Sometime the longer you don't have sex for, the harder it is to want it iyswim.

are you on implanon by any chance?

can have a HUGE effect.

The pressure of his expectation may well be the problem. Pressure is a very big turn off.

Not on anything. He has had the snip because we have had two children and I didn't have great pregnancies. And I didn't get on well with contraceptions. Though, not being on anything I seem to get monthly blues. Just before AF arrives I am very blue. I also get that when I am ovulating (a new thing) It hurts like billyo when the egg releases and I know its coming cos I get down. It is only a couple of days in each case.

DH is working out, he is getting fitter and musclier, you would think that would be a huge turn on, but nothing seems to do it for me at the moment.
I can look at him sometimes and see that he is very good looking imo, but that still doesn't mean anything goes on in my pants.

hmm, yes sometimes the pressure is too much, but he realises that now and trys not to make me feel pressured.
He tries to tell me how good looking I am, but it is verbal, not touchy feely. But then I normally squirm away from that anyway.
i just don't know what to do with myself. But at the same time, I don't really care. Have it don't have it, it makes no odds to me. But I can't go on like that forever.

bump

how would you feel if you went to bed knowing nothing would happen except kissing/cuddling but no further

Wish my husband would show me dirty mags It's ALWAYS me who has to be in the mood, he never initiates and has always been like this.
When we do get down to it it's great, but he needs a rocket up the %&*! to get going!

Have you always been this way? how long is the relationship and when did you have your last child?

has the fizzle just gone?

are you feeling low recently??

How would you feel if he slept with someone else? Insanely jealous or accepting?

Sourdough- relieved, but I doubt he could do it. It would end with his trying anyway and my feeling either that it would be best to give it a go or like a rotten nasty with a thoroughly disappointed DH

ripeberry- he used to be that way. No idea what has brought about the change.
No I do. He has totally turned his life around. His pastimes used to include smoking, drinking and his precious car.
All have been dropped and he feels a million dollars with his health and fitness drive.

Salt- No I used to be the one hounding him with him turning me down, to the point I stopped trying and went with his flow, a much slower one.
Had DS about 2.5 years ago. He was a very hard baby. Much better by about a year.

ami- Not for him (the fizzle), but for me it is just that I have no interest in sex, not him, just sex.
Feeling pretty low recently. Been a bit bullied, I guess, by a member of the committee of my toddler group ( I am chairperson, she is treasurer)
And humming and hahing about starting a post grad in Primary teaching. The house has been on the market for over a year now with not one viewer.
I guess everything is a bit up in the air at the moment.

Stealth- hmm, I would be very very upset, could not forgive it, that is for sure, wouldn't blame him, but we prob wouldn't survive it.
But he would never ever do that to me. He had it done to him and it took years for him to get over it.

I know what you mean about feeling pressured - if my DH starts being frisky I want to run for the door and start blathering excuses!
My DS is 2, DD 4, and I just can't switch from on-call mummy to sexy lovekitten on cue.
My solution is not a good one though - I rely on a few glasses of wine to free me of my inhibitions. Not too much, or I just go to sleep! Although actually, I do find that if we do have a tipsy encounter one night, the memory of the experience will lead me to be much more inclined to indulge him the next night as well. It breaks the tension for a bit.
I suppose sex is a habit that's easy to get out of.

boomummy- That' us!
DD is 4, DS is 2 and I do that!
Normally, if he manages to talk me down from my heights of fear, it is actually very good and yes, same here it can lead to more interest.
Last time though was just awful, we had to abandon it, it was just so awful
We don't drink anymore. LOVE my Becks blue, Hate hangovers.

Why do men keep thinking that all we have to do is flick a switch?
boo, do you ever think about it, unless your DH asks? I don't.
Too busy thinking about so many other things, no time for self pleasure. Where do the DHs find the time, I can't think!?

what made it so awful last time

OP, do you have any other issues with intimacy with DH? Kisses, cuddles?

It started quit well, but I just could not get there, iyswim.
Tried all ways, got close.
Sex itself was just terrible.
We have probs normally anyway. DH is very happy to be well endowed, but it is hard for me to manage him so we have to go slow.
It is the worst part, you just can't rush it but it just kills the passion.
Normally we manage or I am more ready..... and it goes really well. Pretty good. Ok I normally, get mine!
That night I just wasn't ready. I couldn't wait for him to just get in so that I could get some pleasure from the whole thing. He did get in, but by that point I just felt nothing.
We tried but it was just not working for me, I had to tell him, I mean he knew anyway of course. And we had to stop.

I have been pretty unhappy about it since, but have to put it behind me, it's not as if it is the first time it has been guff, but in 10 years I think I can still count on one hand how many times it has been guff. So it is a bit of a big deal for us.

So that does not help my desire levels any.

um DH is a bit of a crap kisser.
Bit too intense. Seems to kiss with his head and face. The more intense he gets the more he seems to want to merge with my face. I tend to hold his face so that I can control the pressure.
Not helped by his beard/stubble.
He is rarely clean shaven, just doesn't suit him.
If he shaves in advance? Instant pressure.
Same with my shaving/trimming, down there. I much prefer to be smoother, don't like him having to fish around down there, but who has time?!

And if he is on top, he changes his head from one side to the other, taking my hair with him, on his velcro face. Argh just stick to a side

Have you tried using sex toys? We have a 10 month old DS and things are certainly different in the bedroom department since he arrived.

We've always been sex in the middle of the day type of people rather than in bed at night/morning, but ever since DS arrived, even when he's napping, it was difficult for DW to change from on-call mummy to lover. I bought a couple of toys online (just mini vibes) and challenged her to hold it against her clit through her tights/jeans for a minute or two just to see if that helped get her in the mood.....it did!! They tend to come out most times now. Sometimes you need a bit of stimulation to remind you what's in store. Try looking at the pics/stories with your DH whilst doing that and I bet you'll be into it in no time.

Hope this helps!

Go to the lovehoney site and treat yourself, then

Have you tried exercising together? Jogging. Playing tennis, badminton or squash together can be sexy and good for bonding.

It sounds like you've got quite a lot going on in your life at the moment, and this sort of stress tends to make people either desperate for sex (as a distraction) or totally uninterested (can't switch off from worrying.)
It also sounds like your H is crap at it, which is one of those things that can slowly kill off a woman's libido (in the early stages, when you;re 'madly in love' you put up with incompetence feeling that it will get better somehow,as time goes by it gets harder to tell him you want him to do it differently, and sometimes you tell him and he takes no notice....)

I feel exactly the same as you do. My dh just doesn't do it for me anymore. He has made an effort to lose weight and treat me but then he brings the subject of sex up and I feel under pressure. I agree that the longer you leave it, the harder it gets. tbh if my dh slept with someone else I would be a little upset but probably quite pleased aswell as it would give us an excuse to move on . Only reason I haven't is because of the dcs.

I can identify with the not being able to switch between mummy/lover roles easily. This is how I was for 18 months or so after each child.

Also I hadn't realised how much being pregnant had altered my body image. I became hugely self conscious but because it had happened gradually I didn't realise the change and how it had affected me.

I bought a bodystocking, which did wonders for me. I bought a sexier style too, which I progressed to . It stopped me feeling so exposed, I felt sexier in them, and it helped to seperate 'mummy' from 'lover'.

I don't know from your post if you have any issues at all with your self image, so sorry if ths is off. I must say though that I didn't consciously have those issues, it was just very difficult for me to get in the mood as I felt either silly or dirty and this seemed to come from the mummy/lover problem. And not being naked made me realise this had also been stopping me.

I don't know that I woudl say that he is crap at it, this is a two way street. I feel I am a bit crap at it at the minute.
He was the best I had ever had, when we first met. It would always sort us out if we had a good time in bed, if there were any other issues in our lives.
A good orgasm does that
Just that is has been a while since my last, so I guess that would cause me to pick holes, in both mine and his performance. Though the kissing has been long term, I can normally control that to a certain extent. He claims he is just overexcited

I am sorry to hear that stayfee, though it has definately crossed my mind that perhaps we are not suited as much as we thought we were, I am not at the point where I think it is not recoverable from iyswim.

Not sure I need a stocking yet, though I defo don't like my body as much as I did. I now prefer the lights off, when we used to think people were crazy to do that.
And don't ask me to go on top. All that joogling about, not sexy. Not for me anyway.

Cheers 2010Dad, I had a look and am definately more excited just at the thought of some of those toys
TDada, good idea but how do we go off and do that when we have 2 children to care for?
Family are local, but he last time we went out for dinner together was my birthday 2 years ago (about a year and a half) and we haven't asked since. Not going into whys, just that it is a last resort and even then I would rather forgoe the outing than ask then, if it is not that important.
Not sure a game of squash would cut it.

Just come across this thread and it is all too familiar . Can I ask Iamnot about the bodystocking idea? I too am finding it now almost impossible to shake off the mother role and as a result any time DH comes near it just feels dirty and wrong. I know it's psychological but truly feels impossible to get past. Feel so bad for DH.

fairysad, what you describe is really very common. The problem is that modern society demands that women must orgasm every time, ripping the sheets and howling the house down. The reality is that with children around, we're just too damned tired a lot of the time. When we get to bed, the main thing in our minds is how many hours sleep we will get before the whole routine starts again.

There's a lot of research on sexual desire in women that never makes its way to the pages of Cosmo. For example, one recent study showed that women orgasm only a quarter of the time, irrespective of how much foreplay etc. This can drop dramatically if you feel any pressure to do so. While men tend to come much faster if they're stressed, women take longer. So as soon as you feel you have a duty to get there, it becomes far less likely that it will happen at all.

The main erogenous zone in women is between our ears, not our legs! I'm glad that you've started thinking sexy, because that's half the battle. They key, though is allowing yourself enough space and time. If the toy thing works then relax and enjoy whatever it brings - don't feel that you've failed if you don't have mind-blowing sex right there on the kitchen table.

As far as finding time goes - that's a problem we all face. One possibility that DH and I used was to get the kids off to their friends for a couple of hours, perhaps at a weekend, and plan ahead what we'd do with the time. If you suggest that to DH, be prepared for the light that will suddenly go on in his eyes, but tell him that part of the deal is that he has to shave! If there's good sex in the offing, it's amazing what lengths DHs will suddenly go to.

Just be aware that this won't magically make everything right and DH needs to know that this is a process that you have to work on together. Marriage is about sex and companionship. How I feel about sex depends partly on how I think DH feels about me. If I get a gentle hug and a shoulder massage in the kitchen (which doesn't startle the DCs) I feel better about DH and that makes it easier for me to respond sexually later. Sex at regular times may just be "cuddle sex", which you do because you love him and want to be close, whether or not you get an O.