Why don't I want sex with my DH?

[fairysad]

The children have just gone for a visit to our lovely neighbours. DH is waiting in the living room.
Want to have sex?
um.......

Why don't I?
I just have no interest at all
We have always been happy to look at magazines together so DH brings one telling me the stories are good (the bit I like best). He then starts flicking through, presumably expecting me to get turned on by the images, but it just doesn't work for me.
I don't get turned on at the closing of a door, I get nervous, make excuses and try to stall until it is too late.
I can't do it under pressure. Though I am sure we woudl have plenty time befor ethe children are back.
I just wasn't prepared.
I shoudl have been though, I know he is horny. He is so good abouit it though, mu lack of interest. Other might get fed up. It has been so long.

Not all me though. He is on a health kick, has been for about a year. He likes an early bed and puts that before any hanky panky. I am a night owl and am happy for him to go to bed, that way I get peace to myself, and can avoid the whole thing.

I just don't seem to have any interest in it at all.
The more he asks the more I avoid. As I say he is not pressuring me.
he is in a no win situation, no pressure, no sex, no ask, no sex.
And every time it comes up, my stomach just drops and I am looking for the nearest exit.
I don't know what to do.

Fairy, i am similar to you, i know DH would like it 3 times a week, but is lucky get some fun once a fortnight, we have reached a situation where if he is keen and i am not, i just say i'll sort you out, and give him a handjob while cuddling, he seems happier with this, and it suits me!

I've been thinking about posting for the same reasons..

We have a dd 1 1/2 and I can count on one hand the amount of times we've had sex since she was born.

I've put on a lot of weight, I'm now a size 20 (was about a 12/14 pre dd) and dh has been really looking after himself and going to the gym etc, he's looking great.

I do think he's attractive, but I just dread bedtime incase he tries to initiate anything. He has been really patient, but it's starting to get to him now :(

Fairysad, can I just ask you to please sit down with your husband and discuss this directly? I wish my husbad had been man enough to do that for me - for my part, I never thought it was something that could affect him so badly. I had even bought a book on handling different libidos from Amazon (take a look, there are millions) but couldn't find the energy to read it because I have been depressed. And now I'm living with the consequences of his affair and my life is falling apart. Yes, I had occasionally indulged myself thinking about how it would feel if he got sex somewhere else and stopped badgering me all the time. I didn't know how I would feel, tho obviously I know it wouldn't have been fun. But let me tell you, even though it was short and unrewarding for him, his affair is without a shade of a shade of a doubt the worst thing that has happened to me in 41 years of life. Total devastation. We have lost something we can never get back.

Please tell your husband that you are going to make an effort, that you expect the same from him (opposite direction perhaps!), and try and think together of ways both your needs can be satisfied. But make it clearer than daylight that it is NOT acceptable for him under even the worst circumstances to betray you and your children. Don't think that because it happened to him in the past he would not do it. I never ever thought in a million years that it was something that could touch our lives - it just wasn't part of either of our ethical codes, it seemed - and yet it has. What's more, infidelity to me has always been something so completely disgusting and yet if I am completely honest.... horrible as it is to say it....I feel now like the world has treated me badly and that I have a tiny, tiny chink of a right to be weak if at some point in the very distant future it comes to that. I am absolutely not going to run out and do it in revenge, I have no inclination to do it at all, against my husband or any other man. But I also feel that I can't predict how my feelings will develop over the coming years. Don't be so sure of his.

Look, sex is not the only problem we have had. I don't know how healthy and loving your relationship is otherwise - ours has been in a pretty terrible state for quite a long time and the sex was just a symptom of that. But I do know that a majority of men need rewarding sex (don't forget it's probably more about quality than frequency) to feel loved, that is something I have learnt by constant googling over the last week (yes it is only just over a week since I found out). That sounds so totally pathetic perhaps, so different to the way most women feel about it, and I still resent it so much. But it is a fact, I think. If it is we have to face up to the possible consequences for our lives. (Here's one thread that really opened my eyes, despite the outrageous nature of some of the posts: www.athomedad.org/node/3897). I can't be sure that if I had given him rewarding sex he would not have strayed, but I think that there is a good chance he wouldn't. And maybe if I had tried more on the sex front it would have helped the rest of our relationship. Maybe.

I am not blaming myself unnecessarily here, I don't think. I had good reasons for having virtually no sex drive, and my husband now understands that he bore a large part of the responsibility. (I will probably be posting about it all soon, if you want to know more.) I am not sure I will ever be able to forgive what he has done, despite all the problems we had: there is no excuse for this betrayal, and I did NOT deserve it. But none of that changes the fact that I am devastated, and I wish we had acted to avoid what happened.

Please don't make our mistake. Please don't think this is not that important. Please talk to your husband.

(I am sorry, I'm incapable of writing short posts.)

The best book I've ever read on the subject is Sandra Pertot's book "Perfectly Normal". It's in Amazon at www.amazon.co.uk/Perfectly-Normal-Womans-Living-Libido/dp/140507759X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1299841194&sr=8-1

In it she describes a) why women seem to have lower sex drives than men and b) what you both can do about it.

@lost It's easy to blame yourself for DH straying, but the promises we make in marriage include "for better or for worse". That applies both ways. Perhaps if he'd been more tender and loving towards you, without the need for sex at the end of it, then you might have felt more sexy. It's a two-way street. We need to feel loved in order to feel sexy.

Thinking about it some more, fairysad - if I were you I'd ditch the magazines. None of us compare to the images in there, not least because we live in the real world, not in Photoshop-land where all wrinkles and lumpy bits are magicked away! There are few things more depressing than thinking we don't measure up to the ideal, especially when we've put on a few pounds (I speak from experience). I'm guessing that DH doesn't look like the models either (especially unshaven), but he still expects you to fancy him rotten.

The key, as lostinthejungle said, is to talk about it. This is tricky for men (I know!), so you might get Sandra Pertot's book and give it to him to read. My own DH was amazed to discover that I was, in fact, entirely normal as a woman. Men's magazines tell them all sorts of lies about how, if only they had the right technique, women would gasp for more. In fact, one study showed that for mothers with children, if offered the choice between exciting sex, or an extra hour of sleep, over 80% went for the sleep!

I agree about the magazines! Back in the old days I was happy to be more open about reading them with DH but that was before 2 children and the ravages that accompany them... Partner that with tiredness and preoccupation with daily tasks and before I knew it I have become the most asexual person alive. DH tries to tell me otherwise but he's by nature fairly uncommunicative and most uncomfortable about 'sharing'. I guess I just need to feel attractive in myself but I know that it will take time. That's why the body suit seems appealing. Everything by degrees

@Hesitantandshy - god I wish I'd had that book, I think I might have had the energy to read it! On your kind comment to me, thanks so much but I wish it were that uncomplicated. In fact my husband has always been very tender and loving towards me, I just can't fault him on that. It has been other frustrations - I have been supporting him since we met nearly 11 years ago, he is totally disorganised and forgetful - that have shaped my feelings about sex with him. I lost respect for him because he didn't keep his promises to me to keep me safe and secure (primal needs even for a woman with a PhD and a really well-paying job, ha!). To be honest, my worry at this point is that I'm not blaming myself enough.... because I am making his life a living hell.

@ Flakes, don't assume that your husband's physical attraction for you has diminished. My husband has always acted like I am the most sexy woman on earth (god would you get OFF me!), even when I put on vast amounts of weight and breastfed for 3.5 years. (Isn't it the best that his affair happened just after I got back down to my previous weight?) I know that some men do lose attraction, but just don't assume it, particularly if they want to be shagging you all the time. So important to talk about all of these things with each other, even if this can be a really tricky area if you have poor body image (like me).

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