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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New man, perfect except in the bedroom :-S

30 replies

LilllyLovesLife · 05/03/2011 11:02

I have met a new man, after being with several total loosers who have treated me like crap. This new man is lovely, kind and treats me like I am the most amazing thing in the world.

BUT the sex just isn't the same. The first time we did it, he couldn't hold his erection. He said he was really nervous (which I could sense anyway) and I didn't mind at all, just felt a bit sorry for him.

BUT a month down the line, he is still having the same issue, and just generally doesn't seem bothered by it. We end up in bed every time we see each other, and it has got a bit better but it's just not right. He said that he just feels that sex isn't everything and that he is just as happy to just cuddle etc.

While I agree that sex isn't everything, I do think it is important. I have just come out of a 7 year marriage and still at the end we had a very active and interesting sex life. I feel like it should be new and exciting and not something that is so much of an issue.

Any ideas what I can do? I am a regular but I have name changed. I am usually on the lone parents board and totally new to this section.

OP posts:

CalamityKate · 05/03/2011 11:16

Oh well if sex isn't everything to him, that's alright then!

It's all very well not making a big deal of erection failure (the recommended stance) but it sounds as if he isn't overly desperate to put things right.

Gently initiate a conversation about what he plans to do (sex therapist or whatever) and if he doesn't seem to have any plans, and/or is reluctant to make any, get rid. The world is full of lovely, kind men who DON'T have a floppy dick.

boxingHelena · 05/03/2011 11:22

The world is full of lovely, kind men who DON'T have a floppy dick.
Calamity Kate, I want to live where you live

boxingHelena · 05/03/2011 11:22

CalamityKate · 05/03/2011 11:26

Heh

Well OK - I may have made it sound as if Essex is hip-deep in lovely kind men with rampant erections

It's just that if he were making plans to sort himself out, I'd be more than sympathetic but it doesn't sound as if he's that bothered. In which case the ball (fnarr) is in your court, OP - how bothered are you?

BertieBotts · 05/03/2011 11:29

Maybe he is asexual? Is it purely a physical problem or does he just not want to have sex? Has he always been like this with previous partners as well? Asexuality doesn't mean he can't form relationships, but it could be difficult, if you do want sex in a relationship and consider it important. Of course if it's a physical problem and he would like to have sex but can't, then that's a separate issue which probably could be sorted out with medical help.

www.asexuality.org is a good starting point if you want to do some reading though.

Original poster

LilllyLovesLife · 05/03/2011 11:41

Thanks for your replies
He says he wants to have sex and seems to get quite turned on in the beginning - when we getting kissing etc and is attempting to do it pretty much every time we meet up.

When it first happened, he said that it always happens when he starts seeing somebody new and that it is just nerves and that it will sort itself out when he learns to relax more with me.

He said that he has never felt like this about anybody else and that is why he finds it harder - he gets more nervous and wants to "impress" me, that it all gets a bit much and then he can't do it.

It's just that when he said it was nerves and just with a new partner, I thought it meant it would happen once or twice more and then be fine, not still being an issue a month after

He does always make sure I get enjoyment anyway via foreplay, so it's not like he isn't trying at all. He is quite quiet and I am trying not to make a big deal about it.

He is perfect in every other way and is by far the nicest out of any man I have ever been with and other than the sex I am very happy, so I am not talking about just dumping him and finding somebody else.

OP posts:

gobbledegoop · 05/03/2011 11:50

You could be with my Ex. He said exactly that at the start. 4 and a half years later, after trying everything we found something that worked but only if he ate a sensible diet. Turned out he was more into his chocolate than he was into me

He ended up sorting himself out in front of the computer while i was upstairs crying, feeling rejected and unloved. All he had to do was eat sensibly but he couldn't/wouldn't do it.

Not saying that is the way things are going to be with you but just be prepared that this might NOT be temporary and you may face years of hurt and rejection if you decide to stay with him. You need to decide how important sex is to you in a relationship.

lubeybooby · 05/03/2011 11:56

I had this problem with a lovely man who said the same thing about it being a new partner etc etc. I gave it two and a bit months of me not making a big deal about it etc but then I dumped him claiming it was for another reason. It wasn't, it was that my idea of the relationship I wanted includes good sex.

I now have an even lovelier man and all is brilliant in the bed department too. In fact when we first met he thought he needed Levitra/Viagra etc all the time but since being with me (nearly a year now) he has needed them once or twice. Problems like this are so common but very easy to sort if they have a word with the GP.

Either your man needs to look into getting some help or you need a new man. Harsh maybe but it's something that needs sorting

Original poster

LilllyLovesLife · 05/03/2011 15:39

Thanks for the replies. I think I will have a chat with him about it next time we see each other again.

Its making me quite nervous as I never know what to expect or what we are going to end up doing.

OP posts:

CheerfulMe · 05/03/2011 15:49

Wow, you could be with my ex! I got the 'I'm just nervous/so into you' line, plus the 'but anyway sex isn't everything'. Surely that's down to the person?
Anyway, a few years later it was still the same. Dysfunctional, far too quick/slow, unsexy, uneasy. I think it was just him, really. Or him with me - I think he was put off by my past and too intimidated in case he didn't 'measure up' to previous partners. And v insecure in general.
I have no issues with my new man, standard first time nerves for both of us but every time after that has been fine Well, more than fine...
Trust your instincts. I wish I'd listened to mine back then. What are yours telling you, deep down?

FourFortyFour · 05/03/2011 15:51

I used to think that sex wasn't the most important thing and wasn't the glue keeping me and dh together. As time as gone on I have wanted it more and it has caused problems but we talked and now it is all fine.

My advice would be to talk to him out of the bedroom as it should be all exciting and at it like rabbits atm not problems already.

CheerfulMe · 05/03/2011 15:59

I agree FFF, there shouldn't be issues in any area this soon.

Also, OP, do you think you so badly want to date a 'nice' man you will overlook this? Beware of doing that, I was the same with aforementioned ex. He made me feel safe, I was scared of facing up to adulthood and living on my own after a nasty split. I felt like I needed a nice man to take care of me. So I ignored various problems because he seemed so lovely and caring/nurturing after the paranoid, druggie arsehole I'd been with prior to him. I was desperate - for 'Nice'.
Unfortunately we weren't compatible and he was a controlling tit, who loved the fact I was scared and tried to foster that in me. If you find yourself unwilling to walk away this early on when there is a clear problem, that could be a sign the relationship is worth working at - or that you have convinced yourself you really need to be in it. You should be with someone from choice; that way if they start behaving in a way you can't cope with, you have the option of calling it a day. If you don't feel able to call it a day over something like this, I'd question why.

Hopefully it's just a communication issue with you two and nothing more :) Good luck.

Original poster

LilllyLovesLife · 05/03/2011 17:04

The general gist of this thread seems to be to dump somebody if they are shit in bed. Surly that's not right?! I would be mortified if a guy did that to me!

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 05/03/2011 17:10

I don't think that's the gist at all. The gist is that if somebody doesn't care enough about your feelings to attempt to deal with the issue, then dump them. Not the same at all.

crystalglasses · 05/03/2011 17:18

Get rid of him. I put up with someone who didn't want penetrative sex for 3 years. I eventually saw the light and dumped him for my dh.

Original poster

LilllyLovesLife · 05/03/2011 19:03

I think I may have worded things wrong as he is not uncaring about my feelings at all, he seems to spend loads of time worrying about me, and trying to do everything he can to keep me happy. I think it is just awkward for him, and that the initial problems, made the sex more and more awkward as it became an issue and killed the thrill.

I am confident we will sort something out. I just don't know how to approach the subject without making it an even bigger issue and making him feel more insecure.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 05/03/2011 20:15

I don't think you should dump someone for being shit in bed. I do think it's foolish to hang on to a relationship hoping that something so important to you will change. Fair enough give it a bit more time to work itself out - as someone who gets nervous about sex I can tell you a month is not very long, especially if there is any pressure (which might be completely unintentional, or pressure he is putting on himself).

Sex is one of the biggest things couples argue about - if you are finding a mismatch now you need to be sure this is something you can deal with if it happened again further down the line. It's naive (IMO) to think that once he's got over this initial hurdle things will be fine in the sex department forever. Are you willing to work with him through any future problems? Do you think the rest of the relationship is strong enough to carry you through those times? Or do you place more importance on sex than that? Whether you do or not is fine - there's no right answer. But perhaps someone who considers sex less important could cope with a drought better, for example. I'm not going to tell you whether you are that person or not, I don't know. And it's likely that a month into the relationship is too early to tell. I'm just trying to offer a (possibly) different perspective.

Good luck whatever you decide :)

Original poster

LilllyLovesLife · 06/03/2011 10:14

Thank you BB - that is really helpful I do get nervous about sex with a new partner too which is why I do understand and I am not prepared to end it over this. I guess it never mattered before that I was so nervous as previous partners have been very confident and taken over so I didn't need to do as much. Where as now we are both nervous, we clash a bit I guess. I think I am going to have a few glasses of wine next time and try and take over a bit (he said before he is much better if I am on top, which is the thing I am most nervous about). And then if its still a problem then I will speak to him. I don't want to add more pressure to him by talking about it and making an even bigger deal.

OP posts:

Giselle99 · 06/03/2011 15:17

I once dated a similar guy - he was lovely but couldn't keep it up, and after a few months he stopped wanting penetrative sex completely and wanted to perform oral sex on me all the time instead... fine you may think but this progressed to him wanting me to degrade him and I eventually found out he was into "BDSM" in a big way. Thankfully he's now out of my hair - hope you have better luck OP!

Original poster

LilllyLovesLife · 06/03/2011 18:07

Whats "BDSM"

OP posts:

Curiositykilledhaskittens · 06/03/2011 18:48

Oh no! General consensus to dump him?! No wonder he is nervous! My DH had this problem - bad in beginning then improved slowly over time. Stick with him if he is lovely and let him get comfortable with you, took my DH about 4 years to be completely fine but he was a virgin and 30 when we met! Practice makes perfect, also spending time getting to know each other!

Mamaz0n · 06/03/2011 18:51

BDSM = bondage domination and sado massochism.

Mamaz0n · 06/03/2011 18:58

No don't dump the poor bastard just because he is a biy nervy about his performance. What do you think that would do to him?

I think if you are going to have a chat you need to be very carefull about how you say things.
He needs his confidence boosting.

We all think that men are like robots. Us girls dont expect them to have worries about how they look naked or their pwn low self esteem in the bedroom. We don't give them the same sympathy we would a woman and that is unfair.

How would the repsonses have differed if the OP was a man asking about his new girlfriend being a bit off sex?

Come on folks. Give the poor guy a chance.

Maybe try not to have sex for a while. Put a ban on sex for 1 month. Work on the other aspects of your relationship. become so relaxed and calm around each other and the sexual tension rising so much that you just cannot wait.

hopefully by both knowing that sex isn't on the cards he will relax a little more knowing he doesn't have to "perform" and you can both become at ease.

ScarlettWalking · 06/03/2011 20:04

I also had a BF who had this problem - he would get an erection but it wasn't enough to penetrate. It was odd but I knew we weren't that serious so it just fizzled out with out discussing. God knows what I would have said. I am also used to guys just getting down to it no bother so really wouldn't have a clue how to coach someone in these matters.

QueenStromba · 08/03/2011 10:47

Threads on this subject are weird on here. Sometimes everyone is nice and supportive and other times pretty much everyone says to dump the poor guy. My thread was the latter but my DP and I worked through it and now everything is fine. My advice is to do whatever you can to try and take the pressure off him. Try suggesting to him that the two of you stop trying to have sex and just stick to using your hands and oral sex for a while. This isn't the end of the world, it brought my DP and I closer together than we would have been otherwise and made the sex a lot more special when it did happen.

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