married, kissed a man, please help sort my head out. :(

[MessedUp29]

Im a regular, but namechanged for obvious reasons.

I've got a lot going on in my life right now and I know none of these things excuse what I've done, I'm just trying to put you in my mind. I'm 29 and I care for my granddad who has alzheimers. I've recently had a car accident and had a bad injury to my knee. And now I've found a lump in my breast, which I'm waiting to have a scan on.

I'm married, I've been with my husband since we were 15 and I have 2 dc. I've recently lost a lot of weight and with that I've found a lot of confidence that I didn't have before.

Anyway, around Christmas time, I started texting a boy at work. Innocent at first, then I told him about a not so innocent dream I had about him and it railroaded from there. We text a lot of steamy stuff to each other and we kissed one night at work. And twice since. Nothing more.

Anyway, he has said that it can't happen again, even though he wants it to, because I'm married and I agree. And although I love my husband.... Oh god this sounds really shallow of me, I love my husband. He is a wonderful man, treats me like a princess and he is the perfect role model father. But his body doesn't turn me on any more, and I am crying writing this.

Yesterday was this boys 21st birthday. He has model looks, someone I never thought would in a million years go for me. A washboard body and eyes that make you melt. And now I've started falling for him. At first it was a release from my life. I could get lost in the texts not thinking about what else was going on.

Last night I text him saying that he was right, we can't do anything else. And I told him I was falling for him. I've had no reply. Now my mind is totally screwed up and I can't stop thinking about him.

Please don't judge me, I know what a crap person I am right now.

Please help me.
How do I stop thinking about him?
How do I sort my head out?

I'm a little startled by the admission that your H wouldn't "let" you work elsewhere. What does that actually mean?

Normally, I would say to you that the very best way of dealing with this is to be honest with your H about what has happened and use it as a catalyst for more honesty and change in your marriage, but this would be dangerous if there's a chance that your H might harm you or others.

Secondly, if you are really serious about walking away from this, quit the job. It honestly doesn't sound as though you've got the strength and willpower to walk away from this while you are in contact with this man and you're relying on his actions in order to control the situation. He might have just as little willpower as you and of course, he's got far less to lose.

As to why this has happened, you do need to work this out, but certain clues seem to be there.

You married young and your H has been your only lover. You seem to be at the beck and call of everyone so that they all seem to want a piece of you. However, it's possible that you also have a need to be needed. If the latter resonates, think about why that is?

You don't find your H attractive at the moment and you have lost a lot of weight recently. If your H has a weight problem or hasn't been taking care of his appearance and health, your own recent efforts will highlight this in sharp contrast, causing you perhaps to look at him and think "Isn't it about time you shaped up yourself?".

You are still battling with your own internal image of yourself - the head recalls a large person and the mirror and scales tell you something else. The OM's reactions have floored you - you are just not used to attractive men coming on to you and there has therefore been the element of surprise.

Crushes and attractions are normal, but sometimes they come with a message. It's pretty obvious that you need to focus on you as an individual more and also your romantic relationship with your H, questioning all the other activity that fills your life and what that is an escape from.

Hi MessedUp. I know that it is not easy to walk away from a job especially these days and especially one that is so suited to your family. However I really think that this job is not in the least bit good for your family. In fact it is going to ruin it if you are not careful.
Get another bar job or cleaning job or if you can't then figure out a way of managing without the money because seriously it is not worth the risk of being around this boy. You sound like you are infatuated with him and I don't think you can stay away from him if you don't remove yourself from him. No money, no job is worth what you are risking. Get out of it...seriously.

As an aside. Youe DH won't 'let' you what does that mean?

well you can't have both.

either you can chase a fantasy which might end up not living up to your imagination.

or you can put your energy into your relationship with your husband.

you've already committed infidelity on one level and you can never undo that. it was wrong to instigate this with texts. you can't always help how you feel but you can help how you act and texting and kissing are actions not feelings.

how would you feel if your husband did the same with a younger prettier version of you?

i can't help wondering if the fact your husband has treated you so well means you're taking him for granted.

who do you think is most likely to stand by you through thick and thin - grief and illness. you're DH or this pretty boy?

you

@cranky123. It's an eight year old thread ffs!

ZOMBIE THREAD

I feel depressed just reading about everything you have to deal with at home etc. ( Do you think you're a bit low? Perhaps you could see your GP?

I would also get some sort of counselling/therapy maybe. Your GP might offer something if you can't afford it yourself. Or you might find something cheap/free nearby. It's worth the money, I promise you.

You could let off steam there at least, and maybe look into ways you can cut down on what you have to deal with.

Could your DH help more in any way? You say you feel you're there for everyone but no-one's there for you- you should feel that he is there for you.

'there are more bar jobs, but DH wouldn't let me work on those.'

Hmmmm. He 'won't let you.' Not good, hun. xx

Hugs xxxxx