Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

struggling move on

32 replies

oldme · 04/03/2011 22:11

Will try and make this as simple as possible
A few months ago I ended my relationship with my ex - i had pndepression at the time so was doing a lot of silly things.

Regretted it within a couple of weeks, after sleeping together i asked if we could try again , he said he would think about it, two weeks and alot of desperate emails later he said no. he said things had been bad for a while and that when i ended it he felt quite releived.
I do agree with him that they were bad but I was ill and insecure after i found him on a chat site for nsa sex.
So for now the past few months we have trying to be friends- with me breaking down every couple of weeks begging him to come back - stupid I know.

Recently had a gut feeling there was some one else, after him lying for two weeks he eventually owned up to the fact there was, he has slept with this girl a couple of times they have been on a date and they get on and had a laugh, but he won't give me a name which to me says it's some one I know.

I know he does not want me no more, but my heart really does not want to hear that, i still live in hope, but since he has told me about this girl i have lost all control- i know i should accept it and move on, he keeps on saying i should be over him by now- unfair i feel as he was around alot so i could not do that. But i feel devastated, and cheated, I thought eventually we would end back together. How can I move on when my heart does not want to - can't stop crying- depression is back, just can't see the woods from the trees at the mo.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 04/03/2011 22:52

Sorry, didnt want to leave your post unanswered.

Is the child your ex's? That makes it more difficult to cut contact.

Original poster

oldme · 04/03/2011 22:53

yes he is- it's harder because he is a good dad and adores his son.
Been impossible to cut contact.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 04/03/2011 23:01

It must be very heartbreaking. I can sympathise. All I can suggest is make him think you have moved on. That is often the best way to get them to suddenly take notice again, and wonder what they are missing.

At the moment, he knows you are pining for him and would have him back at the drop of a hat. Dont ask him about his life, dont show any interest. Make sure you look as if you are ready to go out as soon as he picks up his son. Even if all you are doing is going to the shops... he doesnt need to know you arent out on some hot date!

boxingHelena · 04/03/2011 23:06

Have you been treated for PND?
How old is your child?
Can you do hand overs via friends/relatives yours or his so you do not have to see him and reduce speaking to him to the min?
I am guessing your dc is very little, and your ex did not take long to give up on a relationship

squeakytoy · 04/03/2011 23:10

How old is your ex? Plenty of men, especially younger ones, are a bit clueless about PND.

Although, having re-read your OP, I must go back to this bit..

I do agree with him that they were bad but I was ill and insecure after i found him on a chat site for nsa sex

Are you sure you really want him back? He doesnt sound too supportive, or even faithful. Having him back could mean a lot more heartache down the line.

Original poster

oldme · 04/03/2011 23:10

tried that- thing is im just not strong enough to follow it through- i usually crack.

he sent me a message saying he tells everyone its such a shame he feels the way he does because im a diamond, he then says 'do you really think i would spite myself and see so much less of my amazing child for the sake of being stubborn? Would it really be right to live a lie just so i get what i want by seeing our son full time?'

think he's made up his mind:(

Don't think I can change it now, although I want to, All i have done is applied pressure to come back- i've pushed him further and further away.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 04/03/2011 23:18

Well like I say, dont apply any more pressure from this day on. If he does care, he will wonder why. Even if he doesnt, dont give him the satisfaction of knowing that you are pining away for him. It aint worth it!!!

Feelings can change both ways, my stepson and his gf split when their child was 2.. she dumped him and he was heartbroken.. (although he had been a nasty git to her, so he did deserve it and he knew it). He begged and begged her to take him back but she refused. He started seeing someone else, and all of a sudden she changed her mind and wanted him back. They did, after almost a year apart, get back together, and are still together now.

But dont pin your hopes on that chance. Get on with YOUR life, and live it... dont be sat in waiting for him to suddenly realise its you he wants. If it is you he wants, he will realise it all the quicker if he knows you are getting on with your life and moving on. He will want to see the you that he originally fell in love with, not someone who is tearful and begging him to come back.

Be strong!! :)

squeakytoy · 04/03/2011 23:20

And what I meant to also say was, while you are getting on with things, you may just realise you dont want him back after all , so its a win/win.

Original poster

oldme · 04/03/2011 23:21

my child is two now, but did not receive much treatment for it. Was scared to leave the house, so done nothing about it for a while, and i was in denial about it. it seemed to calm down not long after i ended it with my ex- august ly. had anxiety aswell so did not go out much, he said he got fed up of me pushing him away.
Am trying the friends and family picking up regime, but difficult due to friends and families jos / shifts- they do help when they can though.

To me I think he gave up too soon- was going through a really bad period, actually pre warned him that i might end up doing it and made him promise if i did not to listen. But he said I was so certain and cold when I ended it, he thought thats what I definately wanted.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 04/03/2011 23:24

You have to stop blaming yourself. You were ill, and you could not help how you were acting. He should have been more supportive. You have not done anything wrong, even if your actions seemed wrong, it was due to depression, which is beyond your control.

Original poster

oldme · 04/03/2011 23:26

He is pretty clued up on pnd, his last gf had manic d. so he saw signs way before I did. He is 32.

Have thought about this alot whether i want him back.Before the depression and him web chatting we had a really strong good relationship, apart from him being insecure, but he eventually learnt to trust me.
I just feel its such a waste of six years, we never really had a chance to be a happy family together.

OP posts:

Original poster

oldme · 04/03/2011 23:30

thanks squeaky, am trying to be strong but am fighting the depression again and feeling rather weak- i know i have to move on i just can't seem to do it at the mo. I need to change my focus from him, I feel, but finding it difficult- luckily i got a fab mother who has just taken 2 weeks off to sort me out- she just rang- bless her!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 04/03/2011 23:30

He is pretty clued up on pnd, his last gf had manic d. so he saw signs way before I did. He is 32

Ahhh. but, having said that MD/bi-polar is really not the same thing, PND is temporary, and he should have realised that, and not fecked around on chatrooms...

I do feel for you, its so horrible to want someone who wont be with you. Just play it cool though, honestly, if its meant to be, he will come back, a cliche I know, but a true one. Just be sure it isnt at a price, dont let him back and let him walk all over you, if he does say he is willing to try again.

Original poster

oldme · 04/03/2011 23:32

I do tell him that it was beyond my control- but he does not believe it. he does not believe i still love him, he just thinks i want the family package, and he is sure that things would go back to the way things were when i was ill. He will not listen to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

oldme · 04/03/2011 23:35

try telling a man something when he thinks he knows it all- he claims he's had depression but yet can't see what i was going through, all he said to me was about what he was going through when I was depressed, alot of the time was like a total blur for me. He does not believe that either

OP posts:

Original poster

oldme · 04/03/2011 23:52

thank you squeakytoy, helena

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 05/03/2011 00:20

I think, on reading all you have said, life will be better without him in it as a partner. He isnt very supportive, and not particularly kind to you either by the way he belittles your illness and makes it all about him.

You will get over him, I promise you, and you will meet someone else, and even though he is the father of your child, your life will go on without him. :)

Original poster

oldme · 05/03/2011 07:27

How can I see that life would be better without him? because all i want at the moment is him back- am really struggling to accept that he don't want me anymore, I'm thinking that I know better than him.
Think acceptance of the situation is going to be hardest for me, at this time.

OP posts:

Original poster

oldme · 05/03/2011 07:28

dammit- bumped it by accident squeaky!
what i was saying was
How can I see that life would be better without him? because all i want at the moment is him back- am really struggling to accept that he don't want me anymore, I'm thinking that I know better than him.
Think acceptance of the situation is going to be hardest for me, at this time.

OP posts:

Original poster

oldme · 05/03/2011 07:31

ha ha- thought bumping deleted the message- My head is seriously in the shed!

OP posts:

SeeJaneKick · 05/03/2011 07:43

Hi....sorry you're going through this. I can imagine how awful it is and I have to second squeaky's advice.

It sounds like you have had a really bad time...and that the breakup has become your fccus for all the bad feelings.

How old is your child?

Do you ever get any time to yourself?

Original poster

oldme · 05/03/2011 07:53

my child is 2 at the moment, and I don't get much time to myself no, except for a saturday night and sunday when my xp has him, but then when he is away I am lost without him, I don't really do anything while he is away, it's horrible when I see him going away with his Dad, feels like I've lost him.Have tried to do things without him but I don't really want to do them things, If you know what I mean.

OP posts:

SeeJaneKick · 05/03/2011 08:35

Yes...very hard that on the weekends you're alone. Do you have any friends you could meet up with? Or maybe a class you could join?

I know it sounds like a cliche....to suggest a class or meeting...but part of the trouble (apart from the pnd and the breakup!) is that your routine isn't set....you're a Mum all week and then that is kind of removed on a Saturday...(its not but it feels that way) and you end up at a loss...

Can you think of anything you might like to try? Something like the gym or maybe a night class? Lots of local colleges do weekend classes in things....do you like crafts? Things like scrapbookng and cross stich? there are lots of classes in crafty stuff now...and online groups as well as real life ones...crafts are really good as they're quite theraputic....crating things makes you feel better.

Original poster

oldme · 05/03/2011 08:57

have tried a couple of clasess, but they don't make me feel too good, even though they are things that i would usually love to do- started life drawing and burlesque!
When i'm there i feel incredibly anxious though, not at all comfortable, i'm a perfectionist with creative things and very critical about what I do. then I don't end up enjoying myself.
My friends I usually leave alone on weekends as it is the only time they get to spend with their partners.
Used to go to zumba once a week but money is tight at the mo, and usually struggle to get someone to babysit, as all my friends would come with me and my family are working odd shifts.
Also the depression is coming back now so not feeling like I want to do anything. although my mum has taken some time off to try and sort me out.

OP posts:

popcrackle · 05/03/2011 09:13

oldme your life and that of your 2 year old will be better with your ex-p.

Can you see your GP to get a counselling referral to help with your depression/anxiety?

Can you change the times with your ex-p so that you have one weekend day with your son and he has him during a week night?

It must be very hard for you but you sound to me like you have insight about the situation - you know you need to accept it.

Put it another way if you thought to yourself how would you live your dream life then what is one thing you can do each day to work towards it. Step by Step. Bit by Bit.

It might be a case of just meeting someone for a coffee over the weekend, your friends with partners will be able to stretch to that.

Or doing some exercise - I always feel better after a long walk.

Or getting to bed at a semi-reasonable time.

Flip

1 2