struggling move on

[oldme]

Will try and make this as simple as possible
A few months ago I ended my relationship with my ex - i had pndepression at the time so was doing a lot of silly things.

Regretted it within a couple of weeks, after sleeping together i asked if we could try again , he said he would think about it, two weeks and alot of desperate emails later he said no. he said things had been bad for a while and that when i ended it he felt quite releived.
I do agree with him that they were bad but I was ill and insecure after i found him on a chat site for nsa sex.
So for now the past few months we have trying to be friends- with me breaking down every couple of weeks begging him to come back - stupid I know.

Recently had a gut feeling there was some one else, after him lying for two weeks he eventually owned up to the fact there was, he has slept with this girl a couple of times they have been on a date and they get on and had a laugh, but he won't give me a name which to me says it's some one I know.

I know he does not want me no more, but my heart really does not want to hear that, i still live in hope, but since he has told me about this girl i have lost all control- i know i should accept it and move on, he keeps on saying i should be over him by now- unfair i feel as he was around alot so i could not do that. But i feel devastated, and cheated, I thought eventually we would end back together. How can I move on when my heart does not want to - can't stop crying- depression is back, just can't see the woods from the trees at the mo.

Have you ever tried writing? You sound very creative...can't believe you tried Burlesque! I would LOVE to do that but not got the nerve AND I trained as an actor originally! So fair do's to you!

Life drawing's cool...I did a B Tech in fashion and loved life drawing....could you get some sketch books and pencils and have a go at drawing again?

Maybe work from photographs? A friend of mne sells her pencil portraits on Ebay and Folksy....people email her a pic and she does an A4 drawing...they pay 50 pounds a time and though it's not regualar it comes in very handy for her....

I think that as you sound very creative, you really should MAKE yourself do something artistic....the writing...maybe you could start just writing your feelings and thoughts down....and progress to stories? It's really good for you....set aside a couple of hours and just do it.

Are you on any medication for the PND? I keep pushing the art activities at you because I have suffered myself and it actually got me sorted out...drawing and writing....also a long walk really helps...

I have been referred to a counciller, just waiting to hear from them now.
Can't change the times he sees the baby due to his job. He usually finishes work around 8pm. That or he is probably seeing his new bit of fluff.- just a guess. He does have him for a couple of hours on thursday his day off but he is usually busy so I end up having him for most of the day.

have tried the excercise it does give you a very quick boost , them I'm wired all night, then eventually end up on a come down.will have to try it on more of a regular basis, its the initial struggle though to get me and the baby ready an then work through my anxiety that eventually puts me off.

Bed is pointless as i'm not sleeping at the moment- crying lots, imagining what this girl is like obsessing a bit too much - sad!

My xp suggested writing - due to a valentines card i sent from our son- I wrote the verses in there- he was sobbing and said I should do it for a living!

My writing of feelings and thoughts usually end up in the form of texts to my xp when i'm having a rant. When I found out about the other woman that nite i was up all night messaging him- no self control, stopped at 9 am in the morning as he was not responding sent 40+ messages, my paranoid mind was on overdrive- think i accussed several people, got a bit fb obsessed checking for single girls her age so i could figure out who it was, and if i knew her

Love the drawing but I have not really done it since i was 17 and in college, while I was praised alot for my work recently, I did not really like it as to me I still draw like I did when I was 17. So anything I done i disliked. The tutor said everyone would improve as the day went on. My work got worse!

On no meda at the mo- did not like taking the citalopram, did not feel right- if you know what I mean - not that I'm feeling right anyway.

SeeJane you should try burlesque, my friend bought me vouchers from groupon for a class, drove me up there and pushed me through the door!
I would recommened it, don't know if my head is in the right place for it at the mo.
First session was like a sexy excercise class, where you learn all the moves and then the routines.
Am supposed to be attending rehearsals for a show on Sunday- Don't think I will be going!

Just heard from my ex that he has spoken to this girl as I wanted a name. She did not realise that I was still hung up so much on him- and she does not want to get involved in any of it- he said the likely hood is he won't be seeing her again - I don't really believe that, but I suppose it depends on her.
Feel bad for him in a way. but slightly relieved in another.

Oh pleaase go oldme....whack a load of slap on and MAKE yourself....just tell yourself that you can leave if it's awful.

The drawing got worse because you had to learn again and it got deconstructed...it's a phase.

All that energy....the texting...the self hatred....put it into creativity.

You shuld start writing today.

should start writing but my mum is coming round for moral support. I wish I did not know that girl wants nothing to do with this situ- thats given me hope again, and after that I know there is going to be a low point again.