My DH nearly went to prison this morning

[notgood]

Have changed my name for this and don't know why I am posting it but feel I need to talk to someone about it.

My DH was up in court this morning for a drink driving charge, as it's his third time the judge very very nearly sent him to prison.

Yes he has a drinking problem, he is not a classic alcoholic in that he must drink every day but can go weeks without drinking then he will go on a binge, it's whilst on these binges that he does very stupid things like driving or trying to walk home from central London and being mugged etc. These sort of problems have been a constant in our relationship for years. He freely admits he has a problem with alcohol has been to couselling/AA but finds it more for people who are alcoholics. In the past he has refused to give up drinking completely as he enjoys drinking.

Anyway the first time he was caught drink driving it was after he smashed his car up, second time was a morning after the night before and he was just over the limit, this time he got drunk at a works event, got the bus home and fell asleep in the car, because he was in the drivers seat and had the seatbelt on he was arrested.

I suppose the details do not matter as drink driving is terrible no matter what and in no way excusible ever!

The thing is we now have a young DD and I am pregnant with no2 due in a few months. This morning he very narrowly escaped prison which would have been horrendous but has been given 15 months probation, 240 hours community service and a 4 year ban which I think is fair. But he has to do the community service in the next year which means weekends (as he works long hours during the week) so this means that he will miss a day of our babies week and also means I will miss him helping out with 2 small children at least one weekend day. It seems so unfair on me and the babies.

Hopefully though it will make him realise how much alcohol has done to us and give it up completely but I don't know if it will. None of my friends and family know anything about this as I'm too ashamed so feel the need to write it here.

Thanks if you got this far.

You have my sympathies, notgood, it sounds very hard on you.

Is your DH capable of drinking in moderation? If not, I would say he is certainly an alcoholic, and should consider abstinence, whether with AA or otherwise. (If I were in your position, he would have to choose between me and the booze. But I have no tolerance for drinkers, really.)

I think you should tell friends and family - they'll have to know why he's not driving. You shouldn't feel ashamed. He should. And if everyone knows, he will.

Blimey notgood.He is bloody lucky to have escaped prison.
I agree with NQC. Dealing with the shame and disapproval of his community is an integral part of the punishment and acknowledging what he has done to his family imho.

Hiya. I really hope this is the thing that gives him the kick up the backside to sort it out. Has he spoken to his doc about his feelings about AA etc being for alcoholics and not the right thing for him? They may be able to point him in the right direction to someone else who could help.

My dp has just finished about the same amount of community service for something stupid and it was horrid as he only gets a Sunday off from work so had to use that day - but I must admit it did go by quickly as they have to do an 8-9 hour day so the hours soon add up. No-one knew about his either as we felt very ashamed of it.

I hope it works out for you

How horrible for you notgood, especially having to keep it all in. I cant offer any advice but Good Luck with baby no 2 and I hope something good comes out of this tough time for you all.

did the court not suggest a rehab programme?

He is an alcoholic as alcohol is having a negative effect on his life It is nothing to do with how often you drink more what alcohol does to you that makes an alcoholic

I would agree with NQC.

Have you talked with Al-anon, they help families of problem drinkers. Will put up their details for you as I think they may be able to help.

Has he ever been through an alcohol detox unit?.

I would say that he is an alcoholic even though he does not drink every day and that he may well have to lose absolutely everything and hit rock bottom. I don't think he's there yet; he still has his family in place.

With regards to your last paragraph, even a potential loss of liberty may not be enough to give him the shock he needs. He may have to lose everything including you and his children. Even then there are no guarantees that he will stop drinking for good, as you write he enjoys drinking.

He will only stop drinking if he wants to fully address why he drinks and why he exactly started to drink to "escape" reality. No one else can help him unless he wants to help himself.

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF

Tel: 020 7403 0888

I don't want to tell friends/family as I am far too ashamed, some of them know what has happened in the past. I don't get on with my family and don't want them using it as ammunition against me in the future.

I know that if it weren't for the babies I would have walked away by now, I know you shouldn't stay with someone for children only and I know everyone says this but off the booze he is a great partner and father. I do love him dearly and wish he would stop drinking so much but thats his decision not mine. I have given him the me or the booze speech and I think this time he knows I mean it.

He's just a bloody idiot after a few drinks (like a lot of men!)

Agree with Noddy - you don't have to be a tramp living in the gutter to be an alcoholic, you have to be someone for whom drinking is a problem. It definitely is a problem for your dh. How can you not see yourself as an alcoholic when you've been convicted of drink driving three times and only just escaped prison?! He's pretending that he doesn't have a problem when it is very clear that he does.

I think AA have a group to support families of alcoholics - worth contacting them and seeing if you can find other sources of help for him if he won't persist with AA.

Oops posts move too fast, see you've got the details for Al-anon families thing.

If he ends up in prison because he refuses to stop drinking he isn't going to be much use as a dh or father, is he? He has to stop before that happens.

notgood, please don't feel ashamed. You have done nothing wrong.

this isn't just about him being in prison though is it? the reason drink-driving is against the law is to prevent other innocent people from being hurt too. many people are indeed "idiots" after a drink, but not all of them drink and drive. that's just bloody stupid.

Do you mind if I ask what he drinks when he binges?
I ask because one of my clients has this problem. He is/was an alcoholic for many years. He has managed to get his drinking under control to an extent that he only binges a couple of times a year( but they go on for weeks). He managed not to binge for almost a year and even have a social pint and it didnt become an issue. But the moment he touched strong Lager, such as tenants or skoll (?) he was off.

Hi Banana,

Re your comment:-
"I know you shouldn't stay with someone for children only and I know everyone says this but off the booze he is a great partner and father. I do love him dearly and wish he would stop drinking so much but thats his decision not mine. I have given him the me or the booze speech and I think this time he knows I mean it.

He's just a bloody idiot after a few drinks (like a lot of men!)".
But its more serious than that isn't it.

I'm sure he is a great partner and father when he's sober but the fact is he's left you in bits again (emotionally speaking) and you have to clear up the mess and hide the shame he's cast. Meanwhile he carries on as before. After all you are there for him. You say he's had this problem for years.

He made a conscious choice to have a drink, no-one forced him to start drinking to excess. However, as mentioned he may well have to lose everything and hit rock bottom and even then he may not stop drinking.

If you make an ultimatum you have to stick to it like glue otherwise he will think you're a soft touch and walk over you again. He may not believe you mean it this time either especially as you've tackled him like this before now.

I will add something else and you may not like this. It will not do your children any favours at all to grow up in a household where one of the parents has a drinking problem. It will affect them. They may well as adults go onto choose men who have drinking problems themselves.

I agree w/Meerkats and Noddy. A person doesn't have to drink everyday to be an alcoholic. What if he does something serious on alcohol and your kids are involved? Or someone else's?

AA meetings can be hard for someone who may not be at the point where they're ready to admit they're an alcoholic.

YOU did not do anything wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Any chance of getting to an Al-Anon meeting?

You need some support in all this - will help you make a decision about what YOU feel your course of action needs to be, if any.

I do agree with everything people have written on here and if it were me commenting on someone else who had written this the first thing I would say is "get out for your sake and your children" but in reality when it's you it's not that black and white.

I keep telling him "the next time you want a drink remember how you felt this day when you thought you were going to prison!" "keep that feeling close to you"

I am totally disgusted at him (as he is with himself) about the drink driving, I know it goes beyond just being an idiot when he's had a drink.

I have told his sister (which he was livid about) but in some ways I am glad I did as I feel so angry about having to hide this from everyone.

I have contacted Al-anon in the past, found them a bit unhelpful to be honest all they wanted me to do was to go to meetings which I can't do anyway. ( I know that sounds like an excuse too). I sometimes cannot believe I'm on this position, I used to be a headstrong career woman who said I would never rely on a man for anything. I am, however, once this babies born looking at my options if I should decide to leave him.

I used to know a recovering alcoholic who found AA very objectionable - think it was the religious part. So because AA wasn't for him everyone assumed he didn't want to sort himself out, and treated him with disdain. Actually he did get himself straight and was a very nice man by the time I knew him. But I'm not sure many alcoholics can manage this on their own.

I'd look for other sources of support, if AA isn't his thing - there must be some other organisations that work with alcoholics? He does need to change, however he does it.

So your DH expects you to keep the fact that you are going to be on your own with the kids 1 day a weekend for the next year a secret! Just to make him feel better?

It's like smoking, you can't make someone quit unless they REALLY want to.

I have issues with the AA, but I do think the idea of admitting you have a problem, apologising to people you have harmed, and making amends, is worthwhile. If your DH can't admit to his sister that he's having these problems, I don't think he's hit his rock bottom yet.

You're sensible to be looking into options for leaving. But why wait until after the baby is born? Things are easier when you're pregnant, aren't they?

notgood where are you based? The Maudsley in Camberwell has a fantastically effective booze and drugs unit, if AA doesn't suit him.

He needs to understand that he is an alcoholic. At the moment it sounds like he is in denial, and so are you to some extent. Just because he's sometimes sober, doesn't mean he's sober, iyswim. He's what the Victorians would have defined as a dypsomaniac, and what we now call a binge drinker. A binge drinker is every bit as dependent on drink as a chronic (every day) drinker. The only difference is that they don't generally do their liver as much harm (because it's such a wonderful organ that it recuperates in the sober days).

notgood what if your dh went to prison this morn
you would of had to of told his family
imo this is very unfair to put you in this position

and you have nothing to be ashamed of btw

NQC - it's easier to find a job once I'm not pregnant which I would need to do to support myself and my babies. Hard to find one when your nearly ready to pop. Have no friends/family around me to support me either so would be totally on my own.

I do think he is kidding himself about keeping this a secret from everyone for the next 4 years. Although in saying that we have done it twice in the past also as the babes get older they are going to start picking up on things.

He has booked himself into an alcohol programme due to start soon.