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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My DH nearly went to prison this morning

41 replies

notgood · 20/10/2005 14:05

Have changed my name for this and don't know why I am posting it but feel I need to talk to someone about it.

My DH was up in court this morning for a drink driving charge, as it's his third time the judge very very nearly sent him to prison.

Yes he has a drinking problem, he is not a classic alcoholic in that he must drink every day but can go weeks without drinking then he will go on a binge, it's whilst on these binges that he does very stupid things like driving or trying to walk home from central London and being mugged etc. These sort of problems have been a constant in our relationship for years. He freely admits he has a problem with alcohol has been to couselling/AA but finds it more for people who are alcoholics. In the past he has refused to give up drinking completely as he enjoys drinking.

Anyway the first time he was caught drink driving it was after he smashed his car up, second time was a morning after the night before and he was just over the limit, this time he got drunk at a works event, got the bus home and fell asleep in the car, because he was in the drivers seat and had the seatbelt on he was arrested.

I suppose the details do not matter as drink driving is terrible no matter what and in no way excusible ever!

The thing is we now have a young DD and I am pregnant with no2 due in a few months. This morning he very narrowly escaped prison which would have been horrendous but has been given 15 months probation, 240 hours community service and a 4 year ban which I think is fair. But he has to do the community service in the next year which means weekends (as he works long hours during the week) so this means that he will miss a day of our babies week and also means I will miss him helping out with 2 small children at least one weekend day. It seems so unfair on me and the babies.

Hopefully though it will make him realise how much alcohol has done to us and give it up completely but I don't know if it will. None of my friends and family know anything about this as I'm too ashamed so feel the need to write it here.

Thanks if you got this far.

OP posts:

Original poster

notgood · 20/10/2005 15:12

We both know he is a binge drinker, he can go 2 months without a drink then he will go out after work and have a few too many, gets in a right state and thats when the problems start. He seems to completely lack the I'm drunk but can still get myself home safely gene!

OP posts:

Caligula · 20/10/2005 15:13

Good news that he's booked himself into an alcohol program.

Apropos keeping it secret, my cousin's xh went to prison for drink driving for six months and no-one in the family heard about it until long after they'd split up!

moondog · 20/10/2005 15:13

Does he work notgood?
If so,what do his colleagues/line manager have to say about it all?

NotQuiteCockney · 20/10/2005 15:14

Any chance of him taking antabuse or similar?

Hopefully the alcohol program will help ...

Original poster

notgood · 20/10/2005 15:22

Yes he works, his colleagues/manager do not know anything about it, he's had a few days off work recently but lied and said it was illness but usually he is in at work all the time.

I'm really hoping the counselling will help this time, I'm really going to nag him to attend frequently.

OP posts:

moondog · 20/10/2005 15:25

Would he ever have to drive on work related business?

Original poster

notgood · 20/10/2005 15:56

fortunately no

Things are also complicated as now I will have to do all the driving and I'm very nervous about driving as it is. Although in some ways it might give me the push I need to get out and do it as with 2 young babies I'll need a car.

OP posts:

MeerkatsUnite · 20/10/2005 16:18

Notgood,

Would certainly second the Maudsley if he's really ready to face up to his alcohol issues.

Am glad to read that he is going to go into an alcohol program (was this decided by the court?) but whether this will actually work is another matter entirely. It goes without saying though that he may well find it very tough going and may walk out early (it would not surprise me subsequently if you were to write he walked out of the program). You have to prepare yourself for this and the possibility that he may have to do such a program more than once.

TBH you can nag him as much to attend counselling sessions but it will make no difference if he is really not willing and or able to face up to his alcohol issues.

Such people (and alcoholism is an illness) seemingly have more success longer term if they admit to having a problem to start with and are also able to fully open up to a counsellor to talk about what the triggers are to start drinking and why they started drinking in the first place. You need to be aware of this also.

I would reiterate that he may well have to reach his own rock bottom and lose absolutly everything (including his family and job) before he turns a corner and even then there are no guarantees he will stop drinking.

Would strongly urge you to get support for yourself at this time from Al-anon or a similar organisation again.

HuggyBear · 20/10/2005 16:56

Ask him to look at your daughter and ask him how he would feel if some drunken prat knocked her down. It may sound harsh but he needs to realise it isnt his own life he is putting at risk.

There is no excuse for drink driving. It kills.

Being caught 3 times shows he doesnt give a toss for the law, himself or the people who care about him.

I really feel for you notgood, but have to wonder how you can put up with his excuses and still respect him.

I hope he gets the counselling he needs and manages to overcome his addiction to alcahol

Best of luck

Phaedria · 20/10/2005 17:26

My dh does not drink at all and has not for 7 years (since before we met) He was a bringe drinker and unpleasant with it. (or so I hear) for him the rock bottom point was a DD case.

Just wanted you to know sometimes people CAN stop drinking if they want to enough

Caligula · 20/10/2005 18:22

They definitely can. I know loads of reformed alcoholics.

A doctor I once knew who worked with drug and booze addicts said that the rough rule of thumb was that a third of alcoholics never recover and continue to be dependent on drink to one degree or another for the rest of their lives. A third manage to give up drinking and never drink alcohol again. And a further third are so remarkably cured, that they are able to give up drinking and then go on to become normal, social drinkers who are actually in control of their drinking.

So that's a 2/3 recovery rate, to one degree or another. Pretty good odds.

Original poster

notgood · 21/10/2005 11:56

Thanks for all the posts of support, it does mean a lot when people take the time to show support.

Had long chat with DH last night and this is the first time he has promised and said he is going to try his hardest to give up drinking completely (in the past it's always been well I'll have 4 beers on a Saturday night type of thing). As part of his probation he has to attend alcohol counselling for 15 months (he had already booked himself in to it anyway). I'm still most upset about the community service order as it will take him away at least one day at the weekend which means I don't get help with the babies. I am glad he is getting community service though as each time he has to get up in the morning to go maybe he will be reminded why but at the same time it's harsh on DD and me.

So we will have to wait and see how things go and whether he can be totally teetotal.

OP posts:

noddyholder · 21/10/2005 12:02

I don't believe that if you are truly an alcoholic you can go on to become a moderate social drinker but that is just my opinion.My dp is a recovering alcoholic and hasn't touched any for 13 years but I still think one drink and he'd eventually end up in a mess.It will be hard but your dp will do it with support AA really helped my dp and there was no religious element as far as I know.He no longer goes but did lots in the beginning he says it helped him realise he was an alcoholic by listening to all the stories from others which he really identified with.There is a lot of guilt and secrecy in addiction and I think therapy really addresses this.Sometimes it is not enough to just stop dead as the crutch may be gone but the behaviour remains IYKWIM.I really hope he sees it through xx

expatinscotland · 21/10/2005 12:11

I think some people may be able to have a drink every now and again, but some may not. Where your DP's problem is is that once he gets started, he can't seem to stop. So he sounds like one of those who will have to go sober and STAY sober, but only time will tell.

Glad to hear he is getting counselling.

There's a lot of myths surrounding alcoholism. We've all heard them. 'I'm not an alcoholic, I don't drink every day/only drink mixed drinks/never drink alone/never gotten a DUI, etc.' At the end of the day, something usually happens where you just do NOT want to be that alcoholic person any more. Let's hope yesterday was that day for your husband.

Any way YOU can also get some counselling? Partners and loved ones need just as much support.

hatstand · 21/10/2005 12:47

notgood - I feel for you and have a lot of respect for the way you are handling this. How long will it take for him to do the hours? Would it be posible/make sense for him to use annual leave to work a 4-day week for at least part of it? That way you get to have him around to help with the babies. And he can easily present it to his boss as being because he wants to spend more time with the babies/help you while they're little.

lancarra · 03/11/2005 13:48

I have just caught this thread, the same thing happened to me 4 yrs ago, my partner was caught for the 4th time and got 4 yr ban nearly prison I was pregnant at the time. I took a very hard line and refused to let him keep it a secret, so he had to face what he had done, he walked 4 miles to work every day as we lived in the country. He got his licence back after 3 yrs but knows if it happens again I will leave him, he now never has a drink and drives a car and thinks very carefully before he has a drink in case he has to drive.
I don't think you should be embarrassed as it is his bad behaviour not yours, my partner had hidden from his behaviour in the past and it was repeating itself, I had to make him promise never to have a drink and drive a car again, also I told people and refused to keep quiete to spare his blushes !!this helped because he had to face himself 3 yrs on he has never had a drink before driving and I don't think he will, it can be done if they want it enough,best of luck

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