Can we save our marriage?

[iambroken]

DH had an affair 3 yrs ago, it lasted nearly 3 months then I found out. He was all set to leave, said he was in love with OW, altough he was devestated about breaking up our family. He went awol for a day and came back saying he had made a big mistake and wanted to make it work.

Although I know the decision to have an affair was completely his, I can understand how my actions may have put him in that mindset. We had 2 young dc and i felt unloved and under appreciated. We didnt have sex for nearly a year and I was probably not the kindest wife.

Since then, as far as i'm concerned things have been ok and at times pretty good. I do still nag and I hate doing it, but although he works very hard in a stressfull full job and I respect him for that, I dont really feel he puts his heart into our home as I do. He loves the DCs dearly but sometimes i just wish he would give a little more of himself to them.

Then, just after christmas I found some texts from a girl at his work. I was checking his phone on instinct as I knew something wasn't right. At first he denied it, but after I kept his phone for a day (with his permission) a few more texts came in. He said he and this girl had just got a bit flirty and he would have a word to put and end to it. There were lots of tears from both of us. He just kept saying all he wants his me and the DC so why does he keep F**cking it up. I made clear to him that if he ever ever did anything again it would be the end.

Then on Monday, I find emails. Again I had a nagging feeling. I had voiced this feeling, he denied it. Basically, I told him to just go and he completly broke down and opened up.

Basically, He loves me and always will but just deosn,t feel connected with me. Sex feels wrong with me, although he seems to have been acting pretty well. All he has ever wanted is what he has got but he is in urmoil as he just cant feel happy in his heart. He has been emotionally connecting with the OW but swears noting physical has happend.

Both of us have agreed that we dont want the marriage to end. We are the best of friends and I do still love him "like that" but he says its like were brother and sister. We dont want to break up what is essentially a happy family. We do get on well.

I expalined to him that the feeling of love isnt always constant, there have been times when I havent felt like I was "in love" with him, but I understand that marriage is more than that.

He has said that he will go and see someone to try to sort out what going on in his head. Which is a huge thing for him as he had always found talking about emotions hard.

I am so confused and heart broken. This is the worst time in my life and I am feeling really low. Our Dc would just be devastated, DS is a particulary sensitive boy, who adores his daddy. I think we need to fight for our marriage but I am terrified of being back here in a few years.

Sorry this is so long. I have name changed BTW. I havent posted lots in the past, but I do post where I feel I can help in a particular way.

Personally, it sounds like he is trying to tell you he wants an open marriage.

emmyloopsyloo Thank you for reading. I don't think he wants that and would never agree to it and he would know that. He wants to love me and feel happy with what he has, but he can't

That is "I" would never agree to it.

That's what I mean, from his side not yours :(

Reading inbetween the lines, he's saying he basically won't change. He want's the family but not the monogamy on his behalf.

I can see how others would think that, but I honestly dont believe that thought has entered his head. He wants our marriage to work but he realises that it wont if he cant get back those feeling for me.

Oh deary me, this must be very hard from you. I am sorry.

Its sounds unfortunately as if he loves you and the family, but is not in love with you. It happens and sadly, when that spark is gone, sometimes people happen to find it within others.

I know this sounds really difficult, but there is little point remaining in a marriage where your husbands head is / has been turned and he isnt in love with you.

You can seperate and remain best friends and he can still be a wonderful father to the children. You deserve to have a relationship with someone who is in love with you and wants you... not stay with someone because you are friends and the kids would be sad. You'll both grow to resent eachother eventually - him for not being in love with you and lonely and you, for not being fully loved and mistrusting him.

Sorry to sound brutal

i know you are feeling devastated and no doubt very very sad but i feel angry for you. it's all about him, isn't it? he feels confused. he doesn't know what to do. he needs therapy.

meanwhile you have been doing everything that is reasonably possible to make the marriage work. you've kept up your end of the bargain and he has made a mockery of that.

i know you are probably not in a space to feel up to it right now but honestly you need to tell him to sling his hook.

you are his wife and mother of his child and he has shown you no respect whatsoever.

he's failed as a husband to give you the devotion and dedication you deserve.

Thank you Boobalina, I suppose deep down I know you are right. Its just so so hard as I still love him so much and he is seems so confused. He even said, maybe deep down the love is still there. After affair no.1 he said the spark did come back and things were good. He is wondering if if he goes to see someone it might help him and I repsect him for trying, but i am so worried that, like you say, if he says he's its all alright again, we might be back here in a few years.

I suspect there have been more incidents than you have discovered Op . Some people cannot , or dont want to be faithfull to one partner . I agree with the other poster who says it sounds like he wants an open marriage , or at least permission to shag who he wants. I doubt he would be ok with you doing the same.

You say that we dont want to break up a happy family , yet his actions are not those of a man who wants to keep his wife and children.

Yes I'm sure he doesn't want an open marriage, because that would mean the unlikely eventuality that you would have sex and adventures with other men and that really wouldn't do.

I am so sorry for your devastation. That sinking feeling must be so recognisable to you, as you have caught him being unfaithful 3 times now.

Truthfully I will tell you that once an H has seen the horrible pain caused by his own hands once, if he does it again it really does mean that he will never be able to love you enough.

There are many clues in your posts about never getting to the bottom of the first infidelity and I suspect like many people, you focused on the relational causes and not the real villains of the piece - his individual vulnerability to infidelity (that has clearly never gone away) and the social/lifestyle vulnerabilities.

"Nagging" is a socially constructed word that is usually only ever applied to a woman making perfectly reasonable requests of her partner, to pull his weight and share the load.

Poor you Broken - its a very miserable place to be in as you ultimately face rejection, but having JUST a friend for a 'husband' wont be enough, even if the kids will be initially sad.

You both deserve happiness and although he is the bad one here - its not to say he doesnt deserve to feel happy in a relationship too. Equally, you deserve to feel wanted and safe in that knowledge - not waiting for it to happen again. Which is how you found out - checking up on him, feeling unsure etc.... it wont change sadly. Or you may in the future feel the same and lonely and seek solace and affection elsewhere also....

My ExH had emotionally 'checked out' of our marriage probably just after out first child was born - but I plugged away and tried harder etc to make it work, but deep down I knew it wasnt working and he didnt love me.

I was so relieved when we separated last year as I knew that I didnt have to be with soemone who ultimately wasnt in love with me. I deserve that in a relationship because I am a human being not a doormat.

The kids were initially upset but now there is no uneasy feelings, rowing, crying etc in out houses - they have two very happy parents who in the main are friends and get on much better apart. Yes its sad it didnt work and now I have distance I think there were probably many occassions where he wasnt always faithful and I was to scared to pursue it...

Good luck Broken xx

Thank you all for the kind words, it means such a lot as I have only told one RL friend and we both agreed not to tell family until we get it sorted in our own minds. I know you are all right, I can see where you are coming from, but does anybody feel that we can fight for this marriage? I go from feeling postive that I can make it on my own (which i know eventually I will, if I have to) to feeling devestated at the prospect.

I have to agree with Dignified: he does not want you to have an open marriage. He would like your permission to have sex with other women.
He does not require it ( he will do it anyway)

As for what he expects your role to be whilst he does this would be best summed up by SolidGoldBrass.

iambroken - You are the only one fighting for this marriage honey - alothough he says he is, he isnt and hasnt - by having an affair and haivng his head turned and admitting he isnt 'in love' with you and sex feels wrong.

Please forgive me as I know you feel really fragile, but WHY on gods earth do you want to have a continuing marriage like that? How can it get even worse for you to say, ok - enoughs enough.

He may be very remorseful about it but respect yourself honey.

Is this a work colleague or a friend who is emailing or is it the dreaded facebook?

Its a work colleague who he has to talk to everyday as part of his job .

It just get worse, doesn't it? weak

Oh dear... does he have feelings for her?

Sorry you had to go through this to Boobalina, glad you are doing ok now.

He says he has emotionally connected with her and her with him. but I am not sure if its in a sexual way. SHe is married with two young DC too.

Do you know - I would rather be on my own and feel lonely sometimes than be in a marriage and feeling lonely and unwanted all the time.

Spring is round the corner and I am starting to get a little bit of 'attention' from opposite sex - nice messages, bit of flirting etc. so it compounds that it wasnt jsut me - he fucked up and didnt want me - its not to say others wont in the future!

Its so hard when you really do connect with someone bcause it can feel so right, and also compound why another relationship can feel so wrong. Is she still with a partner / husband?

It might help you at the moment to re-read your own posts. He didn't come to you to tell you he was having an affair the first time. You found out, at which point he told you he was leaving. He appeared to change his mind (or perhaps the OW did) and he came back to find you only too pleased to see how your own "faults" contributed to this affair.

If you've seen any of my posts about infidelity, you will know that I say it always happens when a person isn't giving to their relationship and it is not about what s/he wasn't getting. I therefore noticed how much you used the term "not giving" in relation to his behaviour and "not getting" in relation to your own feelings.

However, although you say you acknowledged that infidelity was his choice, it still seems as though you focused on what you were giving and what he wasn't getting. Hence, even after the affair, you found that he still wasn't invested in family life and giving as much as you to it, so you "nagged".

Then because you recognised the familiar signs, you started snooping, found texts to yet another woman and he denied their meaning. He failed to come to you yet again to tell you how he was feeling. Only your discovery again produced a showdown, that wouldn't have happened without you finding out.

He lied to you that he would put a stop to this latest relationship and you believed him yet again.

Except your inner voice - that wonderful survival instinct - kicked in again and you checked E mails. He lied yet again and only when absolutely forced to confront the truth, he "broke down" and told you how he was feeling.

None of this honesty has ever come from him of his own volition. He is not a tortured soul struggling in a loveless marriage, he is just someone who will pretend that he is, when he is caught yet again. He appears to be someone who simply cannot pass up the opportunity for a risky adventure and it wouldn't matter how great your relationship was, from his point of view.

His vulnerability is not relational - it is personal.

He is not someone who can tell you what he is feeling and I think partly it's because he isn't feeling too bad about your relationship at all. He gets so many of his needs met by it and would like to retain the status quo, with secret flings on the side. This isn't about unhappiness with his life and more about unhappiness at being caught yet again.

I think he would have continued perfectly happily, having secret affairs, until he fell in love yet again and decided that he would leave you for a better situation.

This is horrible and heartbreaking, but I honestly think all the remorse, horror, tears and promises you are getting are empty vessels. This is about him as an individual; not you, not the relationship and not because he is unhappy with either.

You will make it on your own if thats what you decide to do . Dont knock being single , it can be a positive in many ways , i love it .

I think you should consider things from a differant point of veiw . I would communicate the following clearly.

I would state that staying with a man who doesnt love me properly isnt enough , that exposing me to stds is unforgivable , that emotionally abusing me by lying isnt ok. I would say hes a cheeky bastard by expecting me to play happy familys and be a free childminder for him while he chases other women.

I would let him know the many advantages you would gain by being single. You,ll have much more freedom as youll be on 50 / 50 care , youll be able to go out more and get yourself some cock seeing as the kids will be with him every weekend. Start calculating maintenance , negotiating holidays , he doesnt think your going to be a nun does he ?

I think relate are very good - really positive and practical - so please consider this - it might help you both find ways you can both improve your marriage.

Add message | Report | Message poster dignified Thu 03-Mar-11 12:39:03
"I would let him know the many advantages you would gain by being single. You,ll have much more freedom as youll be on 50 / 50 care , youll be able to go out more and get yourself some cock seeing as the kids will be with him every weekend. Start calculating maintenance , negotiating holidays , he doesnt think your going to be a nun does he ?"

Read this five times and then another 10 times.

Boobalina - you sound like you are in a really good place right now, it gives me a little bit of hope if that is to be my future. And yes the OW is still with her partner.

WhenwillIfeelnorma Thank you for taking the time to write such a long and detailed post. I know I need to be told and the truth hurts but if i keep reading your post at times of doubt I am sure it will help me stay strong, Thanks.