Can we save our marriage?

[iambroken]

DH had an affair 3 yrs ago, it lasted nearly 3 months then I found out. He was all set to leave, said he was in love with OW, altough he was devestated about breaking up our family. He went awol for a day and came back saying he had made a big mistake and wanted to make it work.

Although I know the decision to have an affair was completely his, I can understand how my actions may have put him in that mindset. We had 2 young dc and i felt unloved and under appreciated. We didnt have sex for nearly a year and I was probably not the kindest wife.

Since then, as far as i'm concerned things have been ok and at times pretty good. I do still nag and I hate doing it, but although he works very hard in a stressfull full job and I respect him for that, I dont really feel he puts his heart into our home as I do. He loves the DCs dearly but sometimes i just wish he would give a little more of himself to them.

Then, just after christmas I found some texts from a girl at his work. I was checking his phone on instinct as I knew something wasn't right. At first he denied it, but after I kept his phone for a day (with his permission) a few more texts came in. He said he and this girl had just got a bit flirty and he would have a word to put and end to it. There were lots of tears from both of us. He just kept saying all he wants his me and the DC so why does he keep F**cking it up. I made clear to him that if he ever ever did anything again it would be the end.

Then on Monday, I find emails. Again I had a nagging feeling. I had voiced this feeling, he denied it. Basically, I told him to just go and he completly broke down and opened up.

Basically, He loves me and always will but just deosn,t feel connected with me. Sex feels wrong with me, although he seems to have been acting pretty well. All he has ever wanted is what he has got but he is in urmoil as he just cant feel happy in his heart. He has been emotionally connecting with the OW but swears noting physical has happend.

Both of us have agreed that we dont want the marriage to end. We are the best of friends and I do still love him "like that" but he says its like were brother and sister. We dont want to break up what is essentially a happy family. We do get on well.

I expalined to him that the feeling of love isnt always constant, there have been times when I havent felt like I was "in love" with him, but I understand that marriage is more than that.

He has said that he will go and see someone to try to sort out what going on in his head. Which is a huge thing for him as he had always found talking about emotions hard.

I am so confused and heart broken. This is the worst time in my life and I am feeling really low. Our Dc would just be devastated, DS is a particulary sensitive boy, who adores his daddy. I think we need to fight for our marriage but I am terrified of being back here in a few years.

Sorry this is so long. I have name changed BTW. I havent posted lots in the past, but I do post where I feel I can help in a particular way.

caramelwaffle has the right idea, only fuck the brains out of him first.

My circumstances are he found a nice house to rent nearby. We worked out a rota of him having the DC 3 nights, me 4. I have stayed in family home. Upped my work to 4 days a week and am claiming tax credits. He pays half of all things child related - childcare, clothes, clubs, etc.
I have remained consistantly friendly with him, wheresome times I could happily never see him again! But the kids always shout 'yay' when its there night, or their weekend to stay at his - so worth it.

I dont have to be in relationship where I measure my worth, value and lovability by a man who was emotionally detached and not in love with me.

Its fine. I am a grown up and I am coping ok - no parents to help, but it doesnt matter. I feel happier now, than I have for those years feeling unloved.

To be honest it was an enormous relief not to drag and flog that dead horse about anymore.

The trouble is, you and he have probably absorbed the horrible societal discourse that people only have affairs when they are "unhappy at home", but from what you describe, the person who was under-benefited in this relationship was you - and yet you didn't have an affair, did you?

Because of this horrible myth, he has no doubt been pretending that he wouldn't need other adventures if he was in love with you and you met all his needs and faced with those lies, possibly your own beliefs and the societal myth, you cannot help looking inwards and feeling as though this is somehow your fault and about your shortcomings.

Try and see this through a different lens. Look instead at his actions and his behaviour. He has appeared to enjoy sex with you. I'd lay further bets that before this latest dalliance started, he appeared to be perfectly happy with his lot, especially as he was still managing to get away without pulling his weight. I don't imagine you saw any evidence of a troubled soul who was showing all the signs of being deeply unhappy, did you?

Those signs might have shown up after he started yet another relationship though, or maybe they didn't? Maybe he seemed perfectly happy to be having a trouble-free relationship at home and renewed excitement and happiness about the prospect of yet another adventure.

Think back, trust your memory for what you were seeing in his behaviour and actions.

Challenge the myths about infidelity most of all.

Ive been through this , with hindsight he was always on the look out for an opportunity , he was ugly so he didnt get many but did manage to find one which i found out about.

Then followed the usual stuff , it didnt mean anything , he didnt know why he did it , blamed me for all sorts and hinted that he was bogged down by family life . I think he thought he was so special id have done anything to keep him.

I kicked him out , and surprisingly OW didnt want to wash his skidders or smell his farts so he lives alone in a crap flat eating pot noodles in his underpants. I get every weekend and days in the week to do whatever i want .

You want to save the marriage, he wants to save his live-in domestic servant and keep her from realising, possibly with another man, what a sham deal she's getting with an utter knob who screws around and keeps her tip-toeing around.

That's not a happy family, that's one person calling all the shots at the utter emotional devestation of the other.

There's nothing here to save that's worthwhile for you, OP.

There is no question that you CAN still fight for your marriage. It is all too easy to say it's over. There will always be people telling you that it's over and you should accept it, but everyone will have their own prejudices based on their own experiences. Of course it's worth fighting for and it can be fought for.

However, as others have said, it will take you both to fight for it. If he has checked out and is not prepared to properly check back in, then he is not in it with you. He can never be 'checked in' if he's getting attached to other women - never.

Getting 'disconnected' is so easy to happen with the pressures of raising a family. And sex will feel wrong if you get disconnected. You can reconnect if you both want to and do what is needed. That means focussing on your relationship - but how can that be done when he's connecting with others.

Stating the obvious, it's totally unacceptable that he has done what he has done. Have pride in yourself and draw the line at what is not acceptable. If you want to fix it, then lay your cards on the table. Tell him that you do want to fix it but that your not prepared to be treated like this and it will take both of you to fix it and so far he hasn't shown any signs of doing what's needed to fix it. You CAN reconnect (I know, because we have managed it in our marriage) if you're both in it. If he is serious about seeing someone about his issues (these are all his issues) it's a good sign but he needs to see the right people straight away.

There will be as many people as you want on MN telling you to accept it's over. I'm playing devil's advocate here. I'm not saying it's all rosey, far from it, but there are plenty of people who have sorted out a lot worse by working things out TOGETGHER.

Best of luck. :)

The horrible thou

givemesomespace - Thanks the advice from the other side of the fence, it really helps, as I do just feel so confused. I have told him that if he really wants to save our marriage then he will have to stop the emotional connection with OW, but I suppose this can only be done if he doesnt have contact with her, which is impossible . He has said he will stop emailing, texting her and only deal with her in an professional way, but i realise that the connection will still be there.

He has said he will look into finding "someone" to talk too, but we have never used a consellor etc before so I have no idea how to go about finiding the right person...can anybody help with this?

Thank you for all messages. They have all been read and absorbed and I am already starting to feel a little better about the future, what ever it may bring.

I understand that Relate can be used for counselling for individuals (at least to start with). Maybe contact them as a starter. It's all well and good him saying he'll 'look into' finding someone to talk to, but his words need to be backed up by actions.
All the best :)

'He has said he will look into finding "someone" to talk too, but we have never used a consellor etc before so I have no idea how to go about finiding the right person...can anybody help with this?'

You're doing all the work here, OP, because he doesn't care enough about your marriage to 'save' it. He wants to keep doing what he's doing. Would his sister wash his skiddies and look after his children? I doubt it.

If that's what you want to keep on doing, forever, because he's cheated on you with at least 2 different people on multiple occassions that you know about, then by all means arrange for the counselling.

You can certainly create a new relationship after an affair, but only if the true reasons for it happening are uncovered and the vulnerabilities, eradicated. Of course marriages can continue, but they cannot be "saved" if those steps aren't taken. And the people whose mental health suffers most when a marriage continues but isn't "saved", are the faithful partner and the DCs.

Therefore it doesn't surprise me at all that you didn't have any counselling when this happened before. You both appear to have settled on the wrong "cause" of his infidelity and so it keeps happening.

I would suggest your H has solo therapy, but with someone who understands and accepts that infidelity is a personal vulnerability and doesn't have to be in reference to the primary relationship or the primary partner.

However, in the meantime can I suggest you look at this site which has individual vulnerability maps on it and with excerpts to the much fuller book.

Above all, you will see where I am coming from in my posts, if you read the wisdom contained in Not Just Friends.