He does not fancy me anymore

[Orchidlady]

Finally plucked up to courage to talk about our rubbish sex life with my long term partner. A bit of background we have been together a long long time and have had our ups and downs but the last couple of year he has had great difficulty in getting up, god I feel awful writing this, anyway we have talked in the past and he promised me it was him not me , I have suggested a visit to the GP but he is just too embarrassed. Anyway this brings me to last night, I just had to bring things to a head ( excuse the pun) told him I am unhappy with the situation, tried to be calm and not make him feel bad but the upshot was that it ended in a blazing row, him blaming me saying that if I tried harder it would be ok ( tbh I have tried all sorts) but always ends up a disaster. But the most hurtful thing is he basically said he does not fancy me anymore and if you went with "some slapper, he would have no problem" Sorry for the rant but just needed to get this off my chest, feeling pretty shitty right now feeling hurt and angry. When I think about him leaving I do feel so incredibly sad but cant's see how we can go on like this. I am in my mid 40?s and still would like to have a sex life, he says I am cold bitch and tbh I am probably am towards him now,the way things are in bed just leaves totally unfulfilled and can?t see the point. Would love some advise, has anyone else out there been a similar position and found a way to improve things.

I haven't, but have friends who are in your position and neither were able to change the situation no matter what (relate, holidays etc)
one left, one stuck it through god knows why
sounds like to me he blew it and attacked you as it was his only possible defence (in his mind not mine). How mean and horrible, and I wouldn't take it personally, really...

Would love some advise, has anyone else out there been a similar position and found a way to improve things

Yes , i left.
Its bad enough having a shit sex life without being constantly blamed for it , it kills your confidence eventually . I too was a cold bitch , frigid , crap in bed , made no effort ,was fat and passionless ect ect .

This was from an overweight , balding man with severe premature ejaculation

Thanks Helena, yes it was mean and spiteful but what I am trying to figure out is whether he really means it or lashing out because he feels inadequate. If its the former then the relationshipe is doomed.:0(

I'm sorry that must really hurt. I agree maybe he attacked you as his only defence (not that that makes it any better).

It really would be worth seeing his GP - they see this all the time and there is stuff that can be done to help..... What's a little embarassment if there's a chance of losing your relationship over something that might be 'fixable'?

Dignified, sounds like a rotten sod and you are well off out of there. Like I said before I really need to find out whether he is being nasty because he is inadequate or really does not fancy me anymore, I guess there is very little I can do about that, I've got older yeah gravity takes it toll but that works both way.

In your shoes i think i would be looking at his actions over the last few years , not listening to his words . Put the boot on the other foot. If you had a problem that was affecting your partner and making them miserable , wouldnt you go to the gps to resolve it or would you let it go on for years ?

I dont think it matters whether hes being nasty because hes inadequate or because he doesnt fancy you. Your still not getting the sex life you want and all the while hes doing nothing about it apart from blaming you which isnt fair .

Is he still affectionate towards you , do you still spend time ?

Dig wise words thanks, yes he is affectionate towards me sometimes but I now clam up, I think this makes him angry, yes wedo spend lots of time together, tbh I just don't understand him, he just so contradicts himself. grrrrr!!!!

He has just rang me as if nothing has happened, I acutally told him to fuck off last night after his "little confession", obviously I was pretty angry then.

Hi Orchid Lady

I am so glad I saw your post. I have been lurking around here and there looking for some help really with a similar problem, or even just to talk to someone who understands what I am talking about. I saw your post and just felt I had to respond.

I am in a marriage with a man who to the outside world loves and adores me. However, I do not feel like this is the case. Have you heard of the Madonna/Wh*re complex? I have walked like a lovestruck teenager into a relationship with a man I thought I could change. Any attempts by me to change/improve our sex life have been met with complete shutdown. However to completely contradict this any contact we have has to be initiated by me, if you get my meaning. Whilst I am sure this was not my husbands intention he has managed to make me feel like a prostitute....I have literally stopped any contact now, its so humiliating. He will not touch me.

He has always maintained that I was the Good Girl he married compared to the other women he had relationships with. Rather extrovert ones too, I have been led to understand.

I have tried talking but none of it makes any difference. Infact he stated " you wouldn't want me to treat you like one of them" He absolutely despises them. My self esteem has gone. I have piled on weight, just feel so stupid for not realising before. I honestly don't think he ever fancied me at all. Sorry for going on, but it feels good to get it off my chest!

Hi Flower Queen, sorry your situation sounds horrible you poor thing, how long has this been going on? sounds like he has some serious issues, I would imagine he would not consider talking to anyone? if he is anything like my dp I guess he just buries his head in the sand and pretends everything is normal Please don't let him wear you down, I recently joined a Gym and doing a pilates class, it really is good for your self esteem.

Once upon a time we had a reasonble sex life but now it is none existent, I am trying to convince myself that it is not me, sometimes fantasise about having an affair. Something has to change.

I think I posted on your last thread OrchidLady that actually, it is far more likely that he is having an affair and I think that even more, having seen this thread.

And FlowerQueen what he means is that he despises women. You are one, so in reality he despises you. Can you leave?

Gosh, thanks for both responses. Its such a RELIEF to speak to people about it - I am too ashamed to talk to anyone I know. People actually aspire to have our relationship - if only they knew!

Its been like this from the beginning really, I should have thought there was something weird going on from the start, there was no sexual contact for a long time, but love struck me, thought this was a sign of respect. Then one day after about 8 months he sort of made it clear that we could go for it. And me being a needy puppy lapped it up thinking I could change him. I have even thought he might be gay in some sort of inverted way. Does that make sense? Actually I have thought alsorts really, and this brings me to WhenwillIfeelnormal's comment. Thank you, so obvious but I just didn't see it. I think eventually things will have to change.

And whilst I am blurting it all out, he worships his mother, who in his eyes can do no wrong. I looked at a wedding picture the other day of him/mother in law and I. I never noticed til now, he is turned away from me. Maybe its the way I am feeling these days but it looked like a sign of things to come.

Orchid Lady - do you have any other signs he is having an affair? I mean to say, in my trying to find an answer to my problem, I went down the maybe he is having an affair route. Pretty convinced he isn't - yet. Done the whole phone checking going through belongings bit. Yes, this is how paranoid I got. There would be other signs I think.

FQ, I know exactly what you mean about "people actually aspire to have our relationship", you really should not feel ashamed he is the one with the problem and ah and the mother thing, can identify with that one. The major difference with my situation is once it used to be ok.

He of course now behaving as as nothing has happened but I know if I start to talk with him again it will just end up in a massive row.

I really don't think he is having an affair, just dont think that it is his style but god knows I could be in complete denial, having read the threads on here it could seriously make you paranoid.

I don't think from what you have said he is having an affair either. I think its a road we look down out of desperation - looking for an answer. What about Relate? They deal with this sort of thing too, and he could even speak to someone on his own. I think you have some hope that things could improve, don't let him ignore the elephant in the corner. I'm in a different place now. I don't care anymore about the elephant in the corner.

I think now I have spoken about it - on here for the first time, thats such a relief and almost like a rock bottom - I can only go up now.

I think the only kind of love he can show is the motherly kind. Or the complete opposite - seedy and sex only. I know there is an awful lot there that he hasn't told me (won't tell me).

I want to run round the house shouting "Its not my fault" He has made me feel so unloved, unwanted but also needy and paranoid. I think I am getting angry! Thats not something I ever do.

And you need to get angry FlowerQueen because the man you're living with has got horribly damaging attitudes about female sexuality, that will transmit very powerfully to any DCs you have. This will have a different, but equally noxious effect on sons as well as daughters.

Forgive yourself for being young and naive when you met and married him. Consider having some really good quality solo therapy to determine what led to the choices you made in a life partner, so that you don't make the same mistakes again. After so many years, I expect this has become normalised for you, but he isn't healthy and it's not normal that he feels this way about women and sex. He is the aberration.

What are your choices? How easy will it be to leave him and will that be safe for you?

OrchidLady yes it could be denial and it often is. I can only comment on what screams out to me from your threads. In your shoes I would therefore check it out, because it doesn't make sense to come to decisions without all the information to hand - and madness not to investigate the most likely cause of your situation.

I think angry can be good sometimes, I find myself seething lately. I have only posted on her a couple of times and it really is great to get someone else's perspective. I work alone @ home and RL friends know us both and just would not understand. Relate, nice thought but he just would not consider it. Don't know about you but I just feel I deserve more than this half life

WhenwillIfeelnormal, do you really think I am denial? What are the signs? maybe I am being stupid.But I just don't think he has it in him, kind of assumed that if he has always been shy and awkward about sex, that he would find it totally embarrassing if someone else came on to him. Up until the other night he had always said his "problems? were his to deal with, except he hasn't or has he and it is just me. God now I am being paranoid.

In both your cases, Orchid & Flower, it barely seems to matter whether they're having affairs or not. People often have affairs almost by accident, when they still love their partner. For those partners, it's important to find out about the affair and how/why it started because there is a decent home relationship that might be rescued if the threat is removed.

You two seem to have the misfortune of being married to men with peculiar, judgemental ideas about female sexuality. If you are sexy, you are 'bad' and unworthy to be loved. If you are 'good' and worthy, you must not be sexy. This makes it impossible for a normal woman to have a balanced, respectful & loving relationship with them.

Unfortunately I have never heard of a man overcoming his Madonna/Whore complex. Since their starting point is one of basic contempt for women, they have no motivation to change. It makes sense for you to build your love & respect for yourself, as you are doing, then to review your prospects. Some women decide to live an empty marriage, filling their lives with other interests. Others decide to set themselves free.

The hard message is: men like this don't change. But you can. Good luck!

You know OrchidLady if there's one thing I've learnt about infidelity, it's that there are no "types". It happens in good relationships, it happens in bad ones. It's practised by good, kind people and it's practised by horribly abusive characters.

It's not about types, it's about vulnerabilities; relational, individual and lifestyle/social vulnerabilities.

Some of this instinct of mine about your situation is from your other threads so I won't quote anything here if you don't want me to. But you have been posting about behaviour that fits all the typical signs of a relationship elsewhere - declarations of lost feelings, hurtful remarks not just about you but your DCs, addictive and compulsive habits and behaviours, accusations that everything is your fault, frequent arguments that appear out of nowhere, a lack of boundaries, no sex, no desire to get help or counselling and behaviour that will cause you to throw the towel in so that he doesn't have to take the responsibility for it.

The signs of denial are that despite all this, you won't investigate and confront what is so often the cause, meaning that you are making unsighted decisions going forward. Maybe he's not having an affair, maybe he really is this cruel and hurtful man and if so, best to cut your losses and get out for the sake of you and your DCs. But if you can remember a time when he wasn't this man and if some of this behaviour is shocking and seems out of character, then investigate all likely causes.

There is no hope for woman haters like this. Your options are walking away, deciding that their good qualities make a life of celibacy acceptable (bad idea, you will sleepwalk into an affair sooner or later and then a man like this will turn hideously, even dangerously vengeful) or, if you are the type of person who is both careful and compartmentalized, have your sexual needs met discreetly elsewhere.
But TBH men who hate women this much are not 'good partners in every other way'. They can't be. Because they hate women. SO you will be doing all the domestic shitwork, all the ego-stroking, all the childcare and all the time you will be waiting for the next fault to be found with you.
Cut your losses. Best of luck.

to be fair I would not class my dp woman hater, serious issues yes, probably hates himself yes, lashing out @ me ( not physically I must say) yes his biggest problem is never accepting responsibility for anything, but woman hater no in my case. can't speak for FlowerQueen as hers is a different story.

What do you make of the "slapper" comment then OrchidLady? Was this in relation to you having sex with "male slappers"? Has he never referred to women who get their sexual needs met as "slappers" then?

Again not defending him but calling someone a slapper ( which actually could be applied to man or woman) does not automatically make someone a Woman Hater

It betrays some pretty flawed attitudes about sex, don't you think? Only you can know whether he was referring to males or females - it wasn't terribly clear in your OP, but I think it would be disingenuous if we didn't acknowledge that this epithet is rarely used to describe male sexual choices.