He does not fancy me anymore

[Orchidlady]

Finally plucked up to courage to talk about our rubbish sex life with my long term partner. A bit of background we have been together a long long time and have had our ups and downs but the last couple of year he has had great difficulty in getting up, god I feel awful writing this, anyway we have talked in the past and he promised me it was him not me , I have suggested a visit to the GP but he is just too embarrassed. Anyway this brings me to last night, I just had to bring things to a head ( excuse the pun) told him I am unhappy with the situation, tried to be calm and not make him feel bad but the upshot was that it ended in a blazing row, him blaming me saying that if I tried harder it would be ok ( tbh I have tried all sorts) but always ends up a disaster. But the most hurtful thing is he basically said he does not fancy me anymore and if you went with "some slapper, he would have no problem" Sorry for the rant but just needed to get this off my chest, feeling pretty shitty right now feeling hurt and angry. When I think about him leaving I do feel so incredibly sad but cant's see how we can go on like this. I am in my mid 40?s and still would like to have a sex life, he says I am cold bitch and tbh I am probably am towards him now,the way things are in bed just leaves totally unfulfilled and can?t see the point. Would love some advise, has anyone else out there been a similar position and found a way to improve things.

I think being in a relationship with a man who has this madonna/whore hang up is pretty desperate, sadly.

Unfortunately, there are men who see wives or long term partners as someone they love and care for but have quite 'vanilla' sex. 'Love making' I guess.

They cannot bring themselves to have wild, adventurous 'dirty' sex with their dp/dw. They see them in a different light.

The thing is these men still have their fantasies but are obviously never going to share them with their dw/dp as it isnt appropriate to them. Therefore, I guess they are either really frustrated or channel their energies elsewhere at some point. Unless they can overcome these issues.

I can only imagine being in this situation as to me it wiould be like being back in time in the 1950@s or something, not 2011.

I know we have some serious problems in our relationship but the madonna/whore is not it. In the past when we did have sex we did try many different things that could be classed as adventurous. But going back to original post he now has a problem getting it up and now blaming me " saying it is all me fault and if he went with some one else it would be fine), um mind you by typing this, my reply should have been @ that point how would you know?

Sorry OL i was referring more the flowerqueen than you. :)

OP - you yourself will know whether he is a woman hater or not. Lots of people will think he is a woman hater, simply by the fact that he is a man and because of their own prejudices. Filter out the emotive nonsense posted here, take pride in yourself and trust yourself and your instincts.

IMO, the biggest problem you've got is that he won't talk about any of this. Agree completely with dignified. Right now, it doesn't really matter whether he is being nasty as a defence or whether he means those nasty things, because neither are acceptable and neither are going to solve the problem and get you to where you (singular) want to be. He is treating you disrespectfully and unfairly by not wanting to address the underlying issues, not communicating with you and passing he blame to you.

This can be resolved but that can only start if/when he decides to engage with you and address the underlying.

Good luck :)

Your post is really offensive and patronising to other posters who cared enough to write and respond and if you've read their other posts, will learn that they are far from "manhaters" givemesomespace. If you think a particular post is nonsensical, then say which one and by whom.

Thanks for clarifying orchidlady that he meant that he wouldn't suffer erectile dysfunction if he had sex with a "slapper". How would he know, indeed.....

Thanks for your opinion WWIFN. I disgaree with you but I'll take your comments on board :)

carmenelectra, no problem Yes I thought you were but just wanted to clarify, things can sometimes get mixed up, I would put a smile but crap technically and can't work out to do it LOL

He has just called to say that we need to talk tonight, OMG. THis could be really good ro really bad, the "I could get it up for some else" comment is really beginning to bother me. Am I being paranoid? Any tips on how to play this one?

Its amazing how much good it has done me coming on here. Its made me reflect, and I also have the first glimmerings of hope.

I am absolutely convinced now I will never have a "normal" relationship with him.

He is a woman hater. Absolutely right about the ego-stroking and everything else. Its all about him.

I almost feel like the victim of a vampire - my personality has disappeared. My life has disappeared.

Its going to take me time and confidence to get out of this - there isn't only me to consider. But I am going to. 24 hours ago I was too scared to post - now I know small steps at a time I am going to change things. He never will, I accept that now.

Orchid Lady - I have no idea what has been said on other threads, but maybe take heed from my situation? Maybe thats why I wanted to respond to you. I know they are different in alot of ways, but he is treating you in a similar way, even though it hasn't always been like this, it is now. I feel like I have been the victim of an elaborate scam. Don't let him do this to you. Its cruel. If he won't do anything about it nothing is going to change it will just get worse. And all the time its doing that your confidence will be ebbing away. I hope you don't mind my saying this, but I would hate for you to end up where I am.

THanks FQ, one thing I have realised by posting here,( which has only been a couple of times) that my relationship is not normal and I should expect more for myself and DC. Keep posting I am sure it will help you make the right choice, by the sounds of it though there really is only 1 choice. Leave him and find someone that can love you properly. Mind you I am a fine one giving advise

I think its a good sign that he wants to talk.

My fingers and toes will be crossed that it goes OK.

OL where are you?

I have been thinking about you - hope it was positive last night

Hi FQ thanks for thinking of me that that is really sweet. Just to let you know our "talk" went extremely well.We had an in-depth chat on Friday, no accusations no argument, just a good grown up talk ( at last). He has promised he is going to the gp and will even consider sex therapy, if that what it takes, asked if I would go along with him. Said it was totally his problem, that he loved me and still finds me incredibly attractive, can't understand why it happens. He just seems to feel so ashamed, I think he needs to understand that this problem is very common in men of his age. Just talking about it seems to made a huge difference, ( if you get my drift ) blush!. Anyway I feel so much happier. will keep you posted.
What about you FQ what are you going to do? How do you feel @ the moment?

what a positive update, happy for you OL

Thanks Helena, Nice to be able to write something positive.