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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affairs and post nuptial agreements

25 replies

sevenstarsinthesky · 03/03/2011 09:04

DH thinks I am having an affair. I am not. He wants to draw up a post-nuptial agreement stating that if I do have an affair, I would not get custody of our DCs and would not be entitled to half his assets, etc.

Let?s live in fantasy land for just one moment. Say I am having an affair, should I lose custody of the kids as a result? As this is fantasy land, I?m only asking as I?m interested in people?s perspectives here as this seems quite a controversial opinion. I don?t agree that someone is incapable of looking after their kids because they?ve had an affair and I don?t think it?s right to use custody of the kids as a threat. DCs are 3 and 1, BTW, so not old enough to decide for themselves.

Let?s come back to reality. I am not having an affair but I don?t want to sign a document stating that a circumstance exists where I would be happy to give up custody of the children. I don?t ever want to lose my kids, no matter what the circumstances and I fear injustice ? with the best will in the world, the legal system is not without its flaws and what if a judge or jury rules that I am having an affair when I?m not and I lose the kids? DH?s argument is if I?m so sure I won?t have an affair, then I should just sign the agreement and by refusing I am fuelling his suspicions.

Posting this in relationships and legal to increase my chances of responses.

OP posts:

somebodynobody · 03/03/2011 09:11

I have no advice for you, but im sure someone else will..

Your partner sounds like he dosen't trust you, is this new behaviour or has he always been like this?

Swedes1 · 03/03/2011 09:15

Are you having an affair though?

dignified · 03/03/2011 09:16

I think your H is talking bollocks and is using this as a way to bully you. I imagine he goes on about it and you break your back trying to defend yourself against his absurd allegations .

Never mind a pre nup , turn the tables . Ask your Dh why he is prepared to stay in a marriage where he beleives his wife to be having an affair ? Why doesnt he leave , has he suggested counselling to address your "affair " ?

Sometimes people accuse others of infidelity as a way to bully them , sometimes they accuse others of infidelity because thats what theyre doing themselves . Have you considered this ?

I think i would state firmly to your dh that this stops right now , there will be no more discussions about it ever again . If there is you will have to seriously reconsider your future as you cannot stay in a marriage where this is no trust. Fwiw i think you would have grounds to divorce him re his unreasonable behaviour.

PorcelinaOfTheVastOceans · 03/03/2011 09:25

no i don't think you should have to give up custody of your kids, but if you were having an affair, then i wouldn't say your family was at the forefront of your mind anyway...

dignified has a good post. is he doing anything about the affair he is convinced you're having? why does he even think you're having an affair?

robberbutton · 03/03/2011 09:26

I've never heard of anything like this before, and definitely wouldn't sign it on principle. What a horrendous thing to ask. Feel very sad for you OP that this is what it has come to in your relationship.

tribpot · 03/03/2011 09:39

Is there even such a thing as a post-nuptial agreement? Hasn't the contract effectively been entered into, "standard terms and conditions apply" type of thing?!

Anyway, no I don't think you should lose custody of your children if you are having an affair. If you even had time to have one with a 3 year old and a 1 year old I'd be impressed! (Sort of). My guess is, if you did sign it he'd go into overdrive trying to 'prove' it so he can exit the marriage with his finances in tact.

By refusing to sign you are pointing out that he is bonkers.

Bramshott · 03/03/2011 09:48

Setting aside the reality of your situation for a moment . . .

Custody / residency is usually decided in the best interests of the children, taking into account things like who has previously looked after them the most etc. It's not based on some Victorian allocation of 'fault'. In fact I don't think fault divorces even exist any more do they?

dignified · 03/03/2011 10:08

Trying to pressure you into sighning something you dont want to sighn is abusive behaviour.

Threatening you with losing custody of your children is emotionally abusive behaviour also .

Can you tell us more about his insistance that you are having an affair op and what reasons he gives for beleiving this to be true ?

Some emotionally abusive men will use accusations of infidelity to control and humilate their wives . Sometimes wives , wanting to minimize the accusations and prove themselves trustworthy , become completeley transparant in order to avoid the allegations and start to tread on egg shells.

Phones are checked , phone bills are read , explanations are given about where theyre going and who with , invitations out are refused because its just not worth it . They sulk and pout and generally make life unbearable. The woman becomes more and more controlled and alters her behaviour accordingly.

The man knows shes not being unfaithfull , but it gives him a sense of power by watching her trying to prove herself , its a horrible way of gaslighting too .

You do not need to explain yourself to anyone Op. If he really thinks you are having an affair he needs to fuck off out and divorce you. The fact hes not doing that shows how convinced he is. I wonder what his reaction would be if you were to suggest that to him.

Even if you had frequent affairs you wouldnt lose your kids , no one would give a shit about it as long as your kids were well looked after . He is talking utter shit .

emmyloopsyloo · 03/03/2011 10:14

If my husband were to come out with that kind of horrible abuse, we'd be over anyway.

Niceguy2 · 03/03/2011 10:19

OP, your husband is an idiot.

Have you asked him if he would sign a document to say that in the event HE had an affair, he would forgo the right to see the kids and you'd be entitled to 100% of all marital assets?

boxingHelena · 03/03/2011 10:19

I didnt think such agreements were legally binding in the UK concerning children
"Legally a prenuptial agreement cannot completely exclude any involvement by the family court"

so, whatever is best for the child

abedelia · 03/03/2011 10:22

Ditto NiceGuy. It has to work both ways. Ask him if he'd sign such an absurdity.

Bramshott · 03/03/2011 10:24

PatienceGriselda had a very good response on your other thread here

tribpot · 03/03/2011 13:09

boxingHelena, they are already married. What is being suggested is a ridiculous post -nuptial agreement.

Re: getting him to sign another mad agreement, the trouble is, what if he did? It's still carte blanche for him to try and investigate the OP, only now she could also investigate him if she had the time and energy.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 03/03/2011 13:34

Well first of all, no solicitor would entertain it and even if an unscrupulous practitioner drew one up, it would be revoked by a divorce, because the later legal proceedings would be interested only in what's best for the DCs - not apportioning blame for the end of the marriage and admininistering punishments.

This is just a symptom of a bigger issue; an abusive relationship where the abuser wants to use his DCs as pawns in a horrible marital game.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 03/03/2011 15:45

I think you should have a chat with Women's Aid. And consult a solicitor about ending this marriage ASAP. A man who could come up with a scheme like this and expect you to obey him is a dickhead and a potentially dangerous one, end of. He hates women, thinks you are an object for him to posess and has a very punitive attitude towards female sexuality.

Grumpla · 03/03/2011 15:47

Your husband sounds absolutely fucking bonkers.

If I were you I would be making my plans to escape.

madonnawhore · 03/03/2011 16:13

Something like that wouldn't be binding anyway. Your husband just sounds paranoid and nuts.

fuzzywuzzy · 03/03/2011 16:20

Will your husband do the same tho, sign the children to you in the event he has an affair, and also hand over all the family assets????

I wouldn't sign anything, I would be consulting a solicitor about your rights in the event of a divorce due to his unreasonable behaviour!

Main residency goes to the parent who is usually the primary carer, the other parent tends to have huge amounts of contact anyway, usually resulting in over night stays and shared residency during school holidays.

Tell us you H's redeeming features.

Original poster

sevenstarsinthesky · 03/03/2011 17:22

Thanks everyone for your supportive posts.

I have consulted a solicitor today and they said exactly what I think - this is not a case for the lawyers.

To answer some of you who asked if he'd be prepared to sign up to the same clause, yes he would. I'm not so sure (although it's possible) that this is an issue of control for him. He is quite preoccupied by the thought of being ousted out of his family home, fleeced out of half his financial assets and having his children looked after by the offending man. Like I said before, I have never had, am not having, and never intend to have an affair ( tribpot - my sentiments exactly... I'm not exactly feeling my most randy at the moment) but I am still not prepared to sign a document saying I would give them up under any circumstance.

I have spent the day with close friends who have provided me with very open ears and very open arms, talked to my brother, a solicitor and you guys too and you're all telling me the same thing, which is muchly reassuring.

Thank you again.

OP posts:

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 03/03/2011 21:18

Sevenstars: that he asked you this in the first place and expected you to take him seriously is an indication that there is something very wrong with him. He's either suffering from pathological sexual jealousy (a little sexual jealousy is just a minor personal fault, sexual jealousy on this level is both contemptible and a sign ofa seriously dysfunctional individual) or he likes bullying women and thinks that 'She might be unfaithful' is a handy excuse for exercising thoroughly unacceptable levels of control over you.
Either way, the sooner you are rid of him, the better.

crufts · 03/03/2011 21:22

He sounds either very nasty or very insecure.

Niceguy2 · 03/03/2011 22:17

You are probably right. He may be just scared shitless (for whatever reason) that he will lose you, the kids & the house and this is just a rather ill judged and misguided attempt to ensure he doesn't and to test you. (ie. if you've nothing to hide, why not sign).

This is one of those occasions where if he wants to protect himself then he needs to be counter-intuitive. Instead of asking you if you've had an affair and if you'd mind signing a document, he should instead be being the perfect husband so you are never tempted.

The more he accuses, the more he appears like he doesn't trust you and unconfident. That's not attractive. If he's not careful, he will end up creating a self fulfilling prophecy.

boxingHelena · 03/03/2011 22:22

wise words Guy2

DerangedSibyl · 03/03/2011 22:24

He basically wants to control your vagina via your children.

never MIND what he wants and what he thinks, I'd be telling him to fuck off for that.

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