How to deal with a friend who disagrees with my parenting style

[JoinTheDots]

Hi all, feel I need to share this, might be more of a rant than anything.

I went to meet with my NCT mates this afternoon, and came away feeling really low.

One of the other mums has essentially a very different parenting style to me. I co-sleep, BF, BLW, and have a no-cry policy. Our babies are very close in age (days apart). Her little one is the first to have a tooth, the first to have sat unaided, the first to have solids, first to sleep though etc. and it seems important to the mum that her baby is reaching milestones. She has said on more than one occasion that she "pushes" her DD to get new skills.

I am more laid back, DD will get there when she gets there.

She likes to talk about parenting, and always asks me things like "How is DD sleeping now? Is she in her own room yet? Are you still BF-ing her?" and so on. Its natural, we are an NCT group, we compare and talk about these things. I have always been honest, this is my RL support group, after all. I do not moan about the BF or the not sleeping through though, I am just honest.

Today, she was talking about her sister in law who seems to parent more in the same way as I do, and was openly saying "she is holding her DD back" and "stunting her development" and "doing her no favours" and "making a rod for her own back" etc. I was sat there, thinking you -know- how I must be taking this, why would you be SO critical of this in front of me and the others in the group. It felt like it was a personal attack, and I felt the need to defend her sister in law a little saying "well, I do some of those things with DD..." and she said "yes, I know".

I am the only one in my group BF-ing and co-sleeping, the others do think I am a bit lentil-weaver-ish but are not directly un-supportive. This just really hit me though. I have been seeing these people once or twice a week for the past 8 months as we were pregnant through to now, when our little ones are 6 months old. I feel let down and hurt that there was not a little more tolerance of my choices.

I know I can a. change subject, b. stop hanging out with these people c. stand my ground and not worry what others think, but I just feel a bit sorry for myself about the whole thing. :(

/rant

I hope none of them use mumsnet as it would be so obvious who I was and who I was on about...

Don't worry about what she says - if you are happy with your parenting style, carry on.

Your babies are still small - the real fun will start when they start walking/talking/school, etc

This sort of situation is really common.

Could you see her need to 'prove' her way is 'right' as a sign that she's not entirely sure of her way? If she was truly confident that she was doing everything 'perfectly' (as if there's such a thing) why would she need to be so competitive with you, her SIL, everyone?

Alternatively, you can call her on it: 'talking that way feels like an attack on my way of doing things. We all find our own way, that suits us and our babies, and attacking other people's ways is not polite or helpful'.

If these people do not make you feel comfortable about your own choices then I would seek new friendships elsewhere.

Maybe they are insecure about their choices?

I think she is feeling wildly insecure about her own abilities as a parent and is trying to make herself feel better by belittling your choices, making them seem less valid, maybe?

I would be questioning whther I actually like her and if the only thing in common is having had children at the same time (approx) I would start distancing myself from her.

Hello join :)

I think the thing she's doing wrong is judging.

There's not really a right or wrong way to do anything, there's just what works for you.

Although given that, I did half what she does and half what you do, so that makes me the perfect parent :o

Or it could make me just another mother.

Horrible to deal with a "my way is best" but it's all irrelevant in the big scheme of things.

If it hurts, distance yourself. If the friendship is otherwise worthwhile then either point out the pointlesses, or grin and bear it.

Either way, you're right :)

It would be a very dull world if we were all the same and did things exactly the same way. That would be my retort!

If she continued to upset me I would distance myself and find other friends on a more similar wavelength. Birds of a feather and all that.Not all relationships are destined to last forever. You need to know when to let go and not worry too much what others think. Kicking 'friends' into touch can be a nice feeling.

She was rude, good manners require you put people at ease and not discomfort.

My sister did this to me when my ds was five weeks old, we were staying in a friends caravan, it was late at night and I had drank some wine. Ended up having to spend £90 on a taxi to take us home, I couldn't take a minute more of her self righteous rant. For the record, I parented ds exactly like you are doing, and he is a credit to me, the school say he is a model pupil, caring, attentive, popular with all.

I think you should smile and tell her she is being rather rude, and you wouldn't want her child picking up such bad habits. Who died and made her the boss?

To be honest, what i learned with these groups is that you are friends because you happened to have kids at the saame time but would yoou be friends if it wasn't for the kids??

6 years on, I am in contact with a few of my friends from baby days but most have dropped by the way side. A couple I actively cut after I realised I found their racist rude behaviour on a meal out intolerable.

You do need these group right now, but stand up politely, for yourself, as its your baby that really counts and these are not really your friends.

How many of you in the group ?
She is just one. Why don't you tell her thta you find what she says really patronising and last time you left really down.

Or phone one of the other ladies, more sympathetic and tell her, you felt really down and not sure if you should go again. If they are worth it, she will re-assure you. If not, they are not worht bothering with. Get out to another group. signing or something you like mnd meet like minded people.

Ah bless you. I would not care in the slightest and nor should you. I can put judgey pants on and predict poor little bugger if she really cares about milestones. Tis a baby. Can you imagine the helicopter bs when her dc is school age.
I would be a madagascar penguin smile and let it roll over like water off a pingu and let her have the lonely moral highground in her head, hope it is cold up there.

fwiw i am same as you - co-sleeping 13 wk old breastfeeding and do not let her cry. Not for penelope leach reasons. Simply put i am too lazy to move, love my sleep and hate bottle prep and my milk is free. No cry policy cos it goes through me quite frankly. None of it is a surefire method for success - my DD1 can be a little horror.

But my parenting, my rules, anyone who insists on top trump parenting i-puree-butternut-squash doncha know can fuck the fuck off. And breathe!

She sounds insufferable, OP.

'smile and wave girls, smile and wave!'

nice madagascar penguin idea

The same happened to me. I stopped meeting up because I found it so depressing and uncomfortable. However, I have found the early years quite lonely as a result so I'm not sure thats what I would recommend cutting them out completely. I would probably ignore and it will all pass in a few months. Could you go to a LLL meeting instead, or do you have other "baby" friends you can hang out. However, if you plan to go back to work, enjoy your baby and ignore them and move on.

Well for what it's worth, in parenting conversations with friends (everyone has a different way of doing it, whether it's bf/ff, BLW/puree/shop-bought, shoes or no shoes, discipline, etc) I always say - we're all sensible, grown up people, well-read, well-educated. Fundamentally we are motivated by love for our children, nothing more and nothing less.

I would probably say something along those lines to this woman - your sil is motivated by the same love for her child as you are, she's just doing it differently.

Sometimes I think people say things like this because they feel you are judging them - even if you are not IYSWIM. Maybe its because they are insecure about their parenting, or maybe not.

So for example, if you say something like 'I have a no-cry policy because I just couldn't stand to see my poor baby upset', they might read that as you saying 'people who don't have a no-cry policy WANT their baby to be upset'. Even though that's not actually what you are saying. And they are then on the defensive IYSWIM.

Parenting is such an emotive thing, and the majority of people want confirmation that they are doing it 'right'. This always causes slight friction. If it is upsetting you, then try to ally yourself with some more like-minded parents.

hey jointhedots - sorry you are going through this. my mum/baby group are much more in tune and all bf/co sleep to a degree and all blw - nice as that is for us we have all come under fire at some point from what feels like all angles. unfortunately if you parent differently to anyone you have close ocntact with it is often seen as a criticism of THEIR method and they get a bit defensive - ergo your friend's behaviour.

fwiw 'rod for your own back' is a stupid expression which means nothing unless you apply it to something like giving your child sweets to stop it being naughty when they are older! little babies are unable to manipulate their parents - this whole 'must get them in a routine/in their own room/off the breast/blah blah' is moslty rubbish. now my dd is older i feel much more ocnfident that feeling my own way with paretning was best for her - not living up to an ideal.

you sound like you're doing really well - stick with it.

meanwhile i did find doing a bit of reading made me feel stronger in my decisions. the books 'the politics of breastfeeding' 'why love matters' 'baby led weaning/gill rapley' and 'what every parent needs to know' made me feel much better :-)

I had twins - they did everything at different times in different ways. Totally pointless to compare children of the same age.

I was a pretty relaxed mum and did not subscribe to the keeping up with the Jones style of parenting.

My DCs are all doing well, are content and decent human beings. Trust your instincts and enjoy being a parent. Choosing that way will mean your DCs will flourish and naturally do well as they grow up.

Being judgemental is the cowards way of parenting. And they are not the sort of parents you really want to be around.

Someone who parents very differently to me once said "Well we will see who's method is more successful won't we!" I wanted to scream, "It's not a competition and that fact that you think it is, is exactly why we don't have the same ideas, and we would have different opinions on what "success" means!!"

Parenting is tough and no matter how heartfelt our beliefs, many of us wonder whether what we are doing is right. Unfortunately, as in life, not all people have the same set of values and while it is hurtful when you are not supported, maybe she really does passionately believe that you and her SIL have got it all wrong.

There is no logical reason why a group of women having babies at the same time, should all be the best of friends, despite the bond that doing the baby firsts together brings.

At six months, there are more things you can start doing with your DD which will open up your circle of friends. Also, don't restrict yourself to friends with children the same age as yours - the babymoon with your first can be rather claustrophobic in this respect.

Thank you everyone, you have made me feel much better.

I hope I have not made the other mum feel insecure of her parenting, and thus defensive - I am often smiling and nodding and showing how impressed I am with her DD and the latest thing she is able to do.

I shall ride it out for now, and maybe say something if she makes me feel bad again.

As you all said, we are all different, and so are our little ones. We are all just trying to make the best of it.

It could be that this mum may be more insecure than she appears. My sil was very like this - very black and white, judgy and competitive about our babies (born within a fortnight of each other). But she actually went on to have a breakdown with PND, and it had been a bit of a cover for how lost & anxious she was feeling.

Of course this woman may just be a judgy person, in which case just ignore the blighter.

Have you ever mentioned this to any of the other members of the group? It sounds like she is making you feel isolated, but even if they don't parent like you they may have noticed this pattern and find it uncomfortable.

There may be other groups you could join which might be more to your taste. I know that our NCT group has a massive range of parenting styles and as a result you wouldn't feel isolated in it, so there must be other groups out there with a better fit for you. We have had friends of the group members join us and meet up weekly with us - so there may be other groups you could "crash". Perhaps you could go to a breastfeeding group. I agree with MigratingCoconuts - what you have in common is that you booked the same NCT course. That isn't much to base a friendship on if you otherwise haven't got much in common.

I think the thing that annoys you (as it would me) is that you are showing consideration and sensitivity towards her and she is not towards you. This is always bloody frustrating. The only thing to do is be the bigger person and not enter into the competition at all. Quite a good tactic as it really pisses off competitive types.

One of my mum friends did baby stuff totally differently to me - she did GF, controlled crying, pureeing everything I dont do. Yet she is unfailing respectful of the way I do things as I am to her and because of this none of it matters at all. Now we are out of baby stage our actual parenting styles of discipline etc are pretty similar so it doesnt necessary follow that different approaches stay different.

Just a thought, based on own experience of a similar mum friend .. could it be that your friend is missing work or the challenges of work, and so now her dc has become her 'work'? My friend was quite career oriented but her and her DH decided that she'd put all that on hold for 5 years to raise their dc. Whilst she was fine with it in principle, she was by far the most competitive of us all, and still is.
I too am competitive to a point, and quite driven, but I use work to get that out of my system! I also am quite lazy like one of the previous posters and loved laying down feeding in bed with DS2 laying next to me - no bottles, no moving and could even drop off whilst feeeding. Saved my sanity no end. Didn't do that with DS1 and my sanity suffered as a result.
Stick to your guns with what you feel is right, try and rise above it ... she may be feeling insecure about her parenting, not because of anything you've said, but because we all get a bit insecure when we do this for the first time.
6 months is a great age to seek out new classes - baby signing, music groups, all sorts of things are out there and there are lots of us 'lentil-weaving' co-sleepers that go to those too. Go search out a like-minded mum or two and then when it all gets a bit much with this friend, arrange to meet the other one the next day for a bit of peer reinforcement

Honestly i really understand your point i havent went to any groups or anything like it,but members of my partners family came to me, to say the same things,Well not the same things but to criticise my way to deal with my son,There are some that even say im like french ppl,no emotion,and they also mentioned some silly traditional stuffs as well.
Well im brazilian and childrens in my family have to learn from early age to be independent and tough. But thats me, how i was educated,i dont think anyone (apart from DH Or DP)has the right to point out what they think isnt the right thing. U GOT IT,WAITED 9MONTHS,U delivered than is urs,at the end of the day if u make any mistakes they r urs, but the Joy Ohh its all urs too!
So ignore them ,u r all there to share experiences,not to judge each other.

Ps:Sorry about my grammar.