How to deal with a friend who disagrees with my parenting style

[JoinTheDots]

Hi all, feel I need to share this, might be more of a rant than anything.

I went to meet with my NCT mates this afternoon, and came away feeling really low.

One of the other mums has essentially a very different parenting style to me. I co-sleep, BF, BLW, and have a no-cry policy. Our babies are very close in age (days apart). Her little one is the first to have a tooth, the first to have sat unaided, the first to have solids, first to sleep though etc. and it seems important to the mum that her baby is reaching milestones. She has said on more than one occasion that she "pushes" her DD to get new skills.

I am more laid back, DD will get there when she gets there.

She likes to talk about parenting, and always asks me things like "How is DD sleeping now? Is she in her own room yet? Are you still BF-ing her?" and so on. Its natural, we are an NCT group, we compare and talk about these things. I have always been honest, this is my RL support group, after all. I do not moan about the BF or the not sleeping through though, I am just honest.

Today, she was talking about her sister in law who seems to parent more in the same way as I do, and was openly saying "she is holding her DD back" and "stunting her development" and "doing her no favours" and "making a rod for her own back" etc. I was sat there, thinking you -know- how I must be taking this, why would you be SO critical of this in front of me and the others in the group. It felt like it was a personal attack, and I felt the need to defend her sister in law a little saying "well, I do some of those things with DD..." and she said "yes, I know".

I am the only one in my group BF-ing and co-sleeping, the others do think I am a bit lentil-weaver-ish but are not directly un-supportive. This just really hit me though. I have been seeing these people once or twice a week for the past 8 months as we were pregnant through to now, when our little ones are 6 months old. I feel let down and hurt that there was not a little more tolerance of my choices.

I know I can a. change subject, b. stop hanging out with these people c. stand my ground and not worry what others think, but I just feel a bit sorry for myself about the whole thing. :(

/rant

You could suggest that she looks up some studies on the levels of cortisol (stress hormone) produced when babies are left to cry. And the effects they can have on your babies reaction to stress in the future.

Or you could just smile and wait for her to have her second baby

I think everyone else is right, I just wanted to add sooner or later her baby will throw a spanner in the works and walk last or start sleeping badly and she might realise that it all has little to do with her parenting style.

Just smile sweetly, safe in the knowledge that your baby is going to be calm, chilled out and secure. TBH, I feel a little sorry for her wee one - the pressure should not start until much later...

My friend asked me 'who are you doing this for' (in a not very supportive voice!) when I was feeding 4 month old dd. She had managed a couple of weeks (with twins so I think she did brilliantly). I think she was saying it because she felt disappointed/envious and seeing me feeding highlighted this.

Competitive parents can be bonkers when it comes to babies and young children. When she's a teen do you think she will be saying 'she's so advanced, you know she is doing drugs and having sex now'!! My boss (male) came in boasting that his baby son (4 weeks) could stick out his tongue at the correct time in the frog song at Bounce'n'rhyme

Don't worry. I'm the only one in my NCT group who's child doesn't sleep through the night, who co-sleeps, who home-makes all my DD's food & who has a 'no crying rule' etc.

Oh. Also they all think I'm odd because I haven't been out for an evening and left my DD yet!

I just try to tell myself that I know I'm doing it the right way. If I had a pound for everytime I heard I'm 'making a rod for my own back'!!!

Next time you feel criticized, how about trying to say something like "It is amazing really how different our babies are, and how we all have to tailor our parenting around what we discover work best for us and our particular babies. What works for mine, might not work for yours, and what you just said right now, Claire, is such a great example of that. Yours sleep through, but mine doesnt, so for me it is easier to co-sleep, whereas this would not be an option for you at all". Or something to that effect.

My oldest child will be 9 this spring. So in effect, it is 10 years since I went to my NCT antenatal classes. We all have two or three children now, and would you believe it, we are still in touch! We meet every couple of months, go out for dinner, meet with the kids (even me, although I have moved to Norway), we are invited to eachothers landmark anniversaries, birthdays, etc.

I had no idea 10 years ago, in March when I started my classes, that the group of 5 women sitting with me, would develop to become close friends for then next 10 years.

From a parenting perspective, we were of course doing everything differently. One had an angel baby who fed like a dream and slept through, she never had sore nipples, or anything. I never rang her for advice! Another developed really bad pnd and really struggled. With child number 2, the woman with the angel baby was in for a shock, and turned into a shrieking harpy for a while, as reality of a "mischevious baby" hit her.

Dont worry about it, and dont overthink it. Whatever your experiences are, and what their experiences are, the point is to enjoy time together, exchange experiences (rather than convince somebody that you are right, like your friend for some reason seem keen to do) and enjoy your babies together.

I see your 'friend' has been blessed with a 'starter baby'.

The karma equation will sort things out next time round

There is nothing easier to offend than a young mum. Your NCT mate may have felt upset when you explained you were BF-ing because you felt FF is unhealthy, don't let baby cry because you feel it's unfair to baby, and want to co-sleep because it's safer. You do things opposite ways so you two can't really talk about your parenting styles without offending each other at some level.

Neither of you are doing it wrong and I would just shrug it off. She was talking about her SiL, not you, and possibly didn't even think about how that came across to you. It's not a competition, both your children will do well. Your mate isn't wrong for being proud when her child reaches a milestone, as long as she is equally interested and enthusiastic about your DC's adventures.

I personally think that talking with other mums about their parenting style is like tiptoeing through a minefield and I try to avoid it.

'She was talking about her SiL, not you, and possibly didn't even think about how that came across to you.' But surely any adult with a basic understanding of social interaction would have realised that it would come across as an indirect dig at the OP? You'd have to be incredibly dense and tactless NOT to grasp that! Either way it's hurtful to the OP.

lol @ "first to get a tooth"

I agree with the posters who say she's probably insecure in herself, with parenting decisions she's made and/or with the new aspect of her identity as a mother. She's also bloody rude and mean.

My style is similar to yours and my couple of friends with similar age LOs are more like the rest of your group - routines, formula, own bedrooms, purees at 4m etc, but because we are all happy with what we're doing we don't criticise each other's methods, either directly or indirectly. We do ask each other for advice though, and have "stolen" bits of each other's style.

Don't let her upset you, try and feel some compassion for her instead as if she was happy, confident with her choices and enjoying motherhood she wouldn't feel the need to put others down would she?

I'm a bit that nobody stood up for you though, sounds like this woman thinks she's the boss of the group and nobody else can be bothered to challenge her - not a very healthy group for you to be in really, especially if you're coming away feeling upset. I would think very carefully about whether you should meet up with the whole group again, if there are one or two you feel you've really hit it off with why not try something along the lines of "I can't make the next meetup but will be in your area on x day, fancy a coffee?" and develop a friendship or two rather than listening to this woman foist her anxieties onto you in a really rude manner.

Why not try a new group like signing or music or something (pick one which has plenty of coffee time! That's the whole point :) )and start to make some new "mum friends" (BLEUGH at expression "mum friends", but you know what I mean).

These people are mummy wankers. You know the type - so dull that they think that when their DC cut their first tooth is interesting, a suitable subject of conversation, and something to brag about. 8mo is still very young and you probably still have an element of wanting to discuss parenting stuff for support and advice - but you will learn that mummy wankers are to be avoided. They are just so boring. Really, it matters not how you sleep, feed and encourage your baby to develop (and how the fuck does she push a baby to learn to crawl? ) and the sooner she realises that the less dull she will be.

"'She was talking about her SiL, not you, and possibly didn't even think about how that came across to you.' But surely any adult with a basic understanding of social interaction would have realised that it would come across as an indirect dig at the OP? You'd have to be incredibly dense and tactless NOT to grasp that! Either way it's hurtful to the OP."

What I mean to say: the mate is not wrong by disagreeing with OPs parenting style. They do things opposite ways and clearly both believe they are right for their children. The insensitivity is in mentioning it to OP and making it sound like personal criticism. Surely anyone who has BFed or co-slept has at some point declared to a friend how great that is? But you always make sure to discuss it with a friend who feels the same way so you can quietly feel good about your own decision.

Not sure if I'm saying this right, but my point is that OP and her mate should probably avoid parenting discussions all together since they clearly disagree and really cannot discuss it without offending at some level.

And it's easily done. When someone mentions 'my baby just learned X', it is quite automatic for me to respond 'That's great, my DD could do that age Y' without meaning criticism (just making conversation) yet somehow cause offense by implying my DC is better than their DC.

And that ends the most confusing post ever.

Eric you have just made my day. So true, mummywankers. Total bores, total lack of social charisma.

LOL @ first tooth.

Being too competitive is bad. Being too laid back is equally bad. Parenting is all about balance.

Got to be a first born. You hang on every breath of the first. The amount of times I had the midnight doctor out to our house when my eldest was a baby was quite embarassing!!! If she had an eye infection, I was worried she'd go blind! When my son came along it was like "Hmmm, his arm fell off. I'll see if its still like that in the morning!"

As my partner says "The first child is made of glass, the second is made of rubber"

niceguy2 the first child is made of glass, the second is made of rubber I love that! Gonna nick it for myself if you don't mind

how do you 'push' a six mo to get new skills?
i thought you just played with them and enjoyed them

sorry ericnorth you just said that!

Oh God, why can't people keep their mouth shut! We all do things differently so obviously aren't going to agree if people don't do things in the same way, but surely it's up to the individual parents and what works for them! Personally I know someone who has ff from day one, put baby in own room before 6 mths, leaves baby overnight with relatives from young age and has started weaning with jarred baby food at 3 mths! I don't personally agree with any of this but I don't voice my opinion because it's not my place to do so, they wouldn't thank me for interfering. Shame your 'friends' couldn't think a bit more considerately.

Ohhhh I had a starter baby.

It was as if some mighty being saw how useless I was, and gave me an easy one.

of course, I then couldn't understand WHY people wouldn't leave a child to cry (I mean, it only lasts 2 minutes then he's out like a light for 11 hours, why fart about so much?) or why they would carry them around so much (just put him DOWN, nothing will happen!) or why people would co sleep with a baby in their bed (it's just giving the kid a licence to jump around like a maniac, they are actually far more settled in their cots, surely???)

And then I had Ds2.

I left him to cry ONCE, confident that like Ds1, he would whimper for 2 minutes then pass out unconscious for the night. Errrm - no. What he did do was escalate like he was being beaten with an electric cattle prod before vomiting with distress all over the place. This was after LESS than five minutes.

between the age of 2 months and 13 months, I rarely put him down, it wasn't worth the aural assault.

He slept in my bed from the week he had chicken pox (at 5 months old) until he was 2.5 and moved into his very own big boy bed.

It's not that I wanted Ds1 to cry, it's just that he didn't cry. And I didn't understand that there were babies out there who make a hobby of toturing their mothers.

Good me says: Whenever I met up with my NCT group I sometimes felt insecure about my choices. I always asked people about how they were doing / their approach and then discussed what I was doing and in hindsight some of this may have come across as comparing / judging when I wasn't - I was just interested in different points of view. When I was worried I wasn't doing it right, I focused on it - again it might have come across differently. Also new parenthood - an uncertain and emotional time - was the only context in which we knew each other. We didn't know each other's foibles and sense of humour - which is hard when you are having to deal with some sensitive and tough things. You're close friends know you well enough to tell you to shut up or when you're being irrational. So she might just be a bit insecure in her choices and coming across badly as a result without intending to make that impression.

Bad me say: she sounds like a bitch - tell her to fuck off. If nothing else it will stop her having the lentil-weaving stereotype of you!

JTD, I would take her aside & say to her, 'why would you be SO critical of this in front of me and the others in the group?' I would say it calmly and quietly and ask her nicely and politely to stop doing it as it spoils your enjoyment of being in the group.If she is a friend she will stop. Some people have to be superior, no matter what - she was probably the same at work, at school. It is hard to ignore such behaviour so advise you to speak up & keep it brief. Perhaps she has an answer to the current situation in Libya too!