want to end marriage but he won't leave!

[picklebum2011]

The title says it all really. The house was my husbands before we got together and despite knowing that i have a legal right he is saying he won't move out. We already sleep separetley he always makes excuses about not coming to bed, he's not tired or his back hurts so now it's just become a given that he just doesn't! He says that if i'm the one who wants to end it then i should go but i have just finished maternity leave and have no money to move out on my own with my 7 mth old dd and where would i go!!! He says if not then we'll both have to stay in the same house but i can't stand to see him and i don't want to keep arguing in front of dd. He also keeps saying why can't it work but i'm just at the end of my tether now. We haven't been getting on for a while and i put a lot down to hormones and his mother ruining the day i gave birth but that's another story!! But things just don't seem to be getting any better, we never spend time together i feel as though i'm alreay single and feel really rejected that we're not sleeping together in the same bed i think that's made a lot of the intimacy go away now if he does reach for a cuddle (very occasionally) it feels weird which isn't right. I don't want my dd to come from a broken home but i'm sick of being unhappy and feeling like i'm trapped in an unhappy marriage as i know dd will pick up on this as she gets older. I just know i'm going to have a battle on my hands trying to get him to go not to mention his mother and sister on my case!! I also worry that he will try and take dd when i'm asleep as he threatened this once before, she is my world!! Any advice please... I feel like i'm a heartless bitch for wanting him out but i just want to feel happy.

Have you considered counselling, I mention it because it really helped me clarify my feelings and thoughts and the reasons behind them, and then when everthing made sense i was able to leave, with my 2 children, I left temporarly until he left the family home. Do you work, does he work somewhere where they offer the Employee Assistant Programme - they offer counselling to spouses and its ALL FREE and confidential. Maybe worth a try?
You aren't heartless for wanting to be happy.....good luck.

I can see his point. His house before you moved in. Why should he have to move out just because you want him to?

Sorry, I know thats not what you want to hear but you have no real grounds to throw him out.

Sorry I agree with squeakytoy. I wouldn't move out of MY house either. Can you not go to your local council to see if they will house you or any family you could stay with?

I dont see why he should move out of his house.

Can you get on to the council and see if they can house you?

Couples counselling?

How did his mum ruin the birth of your baby?

Err, steady on there. The OP has said she is on maternity leave, has a 7 month old and no money.

Whether her husband likes it or not, the assets are jointly owned. If he has absented himself from the marriage and child care to the extent the OP details, then why should he not move out? I cannot see any reason, if he does not want to continue the marriage, that he should not be the one to leave.

Sugar, she does have a home, that she has legal interest in, she will not get rehoused by the council.

He has threatened to take her dd away from her while she sleeps. what does that say about him?

I read it as the husband asking why it cant work, and telling her if she wants to leave then leave... it is the Op who wants out of it, not him.

What is this legal right you talk about? Are you saying you have more legal right to the house than he does? Surely not, if it was his before you married?

Who advised you?

I do think people are missing the point. It is no longer "his house" it is the marital home. If he is no longer willing to participate in the mariage, then he should move out, rather than a new mother with a baby.

But I also would advocate counselling.

If you are married, then yes you do have a legal right. But out of a sense of decency, I could not force someone out of a home that they owned before I met them. That just isnt right or fair.

wtf are all these double words coming from today I know I didnt type that twice, and have seen it in loads of other posts tonight too.

Yes, it's the marital home, but if the baby is young, I was of the impression the marriage was short. In that situation, even if a court forced the sale, the op would only benefit from the time her name was on the deeds surely? Thats what makes me think it's not as simple as she gets more right to it.

I agree that counselling may be the best way to proceed, even if the end result is to split, it can help to make the process a little less painful.

Counselling could be a first step, but alongside that, do go to see the Citizens' Advice Bureau or a family solicitor (1st consultation can be free), to see what you are entitled to , in terms of settlement, where to live, etc.

You are dreading bringing the fight out in the open. This is totally right, with a H already being recalcitrant and with ILs you don't get on with. However, it is even more pointless to do anything open until you have spoken to CAB/ a family solicitor.

Have you any family nearby? That's the most sensible step to take AFTER you have spoken to someone about how to set things in motion about separating.

The short duration of the marriage would only be a factor in the event of no children.

Once a child comes into the equation, then it is very different.

I don't doubt that MadameDefarge, in respect of the op needing to house her child, if indeed she is the main carer. But I still say the dh has legal right to more equity as it was something aquired prior to the marriage.

Anyway, it's moot, the issue is how to get him to leave. I think if he is minded to stay, there isn't a lot you can do. I would stop catering for him, talk the bare minimum and keep a lock on your bedroom door. See a lawyer/CAB and the council re housing.

So you are back at work now op? Does your dh work?

Indeed, you are right perfumed.

I think the OP really needs to talk to someone independently. It sounds like the OP might well be depressed (PND or other) and that can really cloud emotions and our responses. Being a first time parent is a hard enough row to hoe without PND and a partner who can't understand what the OP is going through.

Just a thought.

There is clearly a lot more going on here.

Ah well, from the perspective of someone with a 10 year old, I still regard a 7 month old a nearly new born.

I think regardless of legalities, MORALLY it would be wrong to demand he leave. Even if you had the right to be there legally and he had to go, would you feel easy in your own mind about that? I only ask because I was in exactly the same situation, except we were not married. I realised that even if I had a right to the home, I wouldn't want to stay there - it was his and had always been his. But I hadn't been there a year, I got pregnant very soon after we met. How long have you been living in the house, OP?

well,young lady, if I had given birth at, oh 15, I could do the same!