Do you argue in front/in ear shot of the children??

[threecurrantbuns]

This is something i swore i would never do (pre-parent)

But is not something ive achieved. Dont get me wrong it isnt a regular thing but does happen occasionally and when it does its usually a arguement on the worse end of the spectrum and its going round in my head at the time to gain control and stop but i dont always succeed.

Then i feel such an awful mummy afterwards

Someone else as said to me its unhealthly for children to never hear arguing/shouting as it is part of life and if they never experience they wont be able to cope with it whne they need to...not sure i agree although i can see the logic sort of

We try not to but do have the odd tiff in front of dc.

We always try to make up in front of them so that we can show them we are happy and friends again.

Was very shocked and sad other day when ds1 said 'Stop arguing'. We were just having a heated debate really and told him so.

I can remember tension in the room with my parents.I would sometimes think, just have a bloody argument. So, I think some is OK, but not the full on shouty ones.
Can you walk away next time or put argument on hold?

Depends. Do you mean yell at each other? If so, no. But that's not because we're hiding it, it's because we don't ever shout at each other.

If you mean thrash out differences of opinion and say exactly what we think and try to decide who is right (me ) then yes. lots.

I dont agree with arguing in front of children. Its something my parents never did. I heard them argue, but the never did it while I was in the room.

My stepson and his partner have horrendous arguments in front of their daughter and it has certainly had an effect on her. :(

We always argue in front of our son: it's our responsibility to teach him how to resolve conflict.

We don't shout or fight though (in front of him or in private).

Argue yes. Belittle, undermin or swear at one another no. You're hoping your children will grow up respecting you as people, if you show no respect towards each other, your kids may not learn to give you respect later in life. Arguing your point and valuing others ideas, can still means you respect that person's views, even if you don't agree with them. It can be complicated. If you want a full shouty verbally loud one, I'd say do it out of earshot!

"We'll talk about this later"

We don't shout or yell at each other, not ever.

Sure, he gets on my tits nerves and I guess I might annoy him on occasion but we just don't row.

We do debate, and maybe once in a blue moon it gets hotter than the norm but DD is 12 and just rolls her eyes.

I remember my real father swearing at my mother and her screaming back at him. Something that I'll never forget.

No, never. We don't raise our voices at each other. Actually we don't really have many differences of opinion, tbh.

OTOH we used to fight with ex-a lot- he was emotionally abusive so it was him who did most of the shouting etc- and I think it's one of the reasons for DS's insecurity.

So a debate-fine. Shouting, calling each other names etc-no. Wrong.

We argue in front of the children but I don't have a problem with it as dh and I never shout, swear, call each other names or say mean stuff.
So they see us disagreeing, expressing our views, listening to each other and reaching a middle ground.

The idea that you can't help yourself in a fight should be something you should challenge tbh. If your boss was in the room instead of your children would you behave exactly the same. If you would moderate your behaviour if your boss was there then to an extent you are giving yourself permission to behave that way in front of your children.
So you it may be that in reality you think it is fine. You just don't believe you ought to think it is tine.

You kind of have to chose.

Doing it then feeling bad afterwards is a bit if a cop out. A bit

Yes, often. I have a somewhat volatile nature so I shout when I want to shout, swear when I want to swear, and laugh when I want to laugh - very open with my emotions. I have been told I have a Latin temperament, whatever that means.

Dh, not naturally like this at all, but over the years, he has had to respond to my emotions.

I know it can sometimes upset my children, esp my dd, though, as they go through puberty, I notice they are pretty open in their emotions too, in some ways.

When dd was upset, I explained that, just because dh and I argue, it doesn't mean we don't love each other (we do) and I get her to think about her grandparents, my parents, who have been married happily for over 50 years, and still bicker in front of others quite openly. I want her to know that arguing in a relationship doesn't have to be a negative thing.

I sometimes wish I could be more restrained in my responses, esp in front of the children, but then, equally I find people who bottle their emotions rather irritating.

bottle your emotions? by not shouting? Not true. You can express your emotions perfectly well without shouting. I certainly do not bottle up mine people are very aware how I feel.

I just don't yell it.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that people who don't shout are not expressing their emotions.

I don't bottle my emotions, not even close.

The idea that you can only express yourself through an increase in volume is such a cliche.

OK ladies, I believe you.

I can only speak for myself and I have always been quite extreme in expressing my emotions. I know we all differ and I am fine with that.

I don't agree with the idea though that you wouldn't behave like that in front of your boss, so shouldn't behave like that with your family. There are loads of things I wouldn't do in front of my boss (if I had one) but it doesn't mean they aren't legitimate things to do in private

My parents never argued in front of us, they were totally screwed up and didn't agree with emotions at all.

DH and I argue, just had a "discussion" at lunchtime in front of DS2 but we tend to keep it clean and respectful and not too shouty. Much more healthy to learn how to handle conflict than suppressing it like I had to...

It has only happened in ear shot of the children a handle full of times today being one, we were upstairs while the children were playing in the living room. I would ay arguing in my book is getting a bit heated, but not shouting i am quiet person so dont do shouting.

But i am aware that children are sensitive to atmosphere, i would say lets dicuss it when the children are in bed, but then it plays on my mind and neither of us are our happy selves so dh struggles and want to get it sorted there and then! so we can have a 'normal' day

I also cry at anything get emotional easily which is a give away.

I can say i never heard my dm and sd argue but did my dad and sm and remember absolutely hating it and that wasnt my decription of arguing but full on shouting plus packing cases etc think its scared me and im terried of dcs experiencing anomosity but is it really realistic for that to be possible all the time.

DCs sometimes here us having a little squabble [rarely, once every 6 months]
We dont shout at each other, even when DCs are not around

I think if DH was to shout at me after all this time, someone would have to lift my jaw from the floor

hear* sorry

maybe im over worrying and today was my fault think as im sooo tired and a bit fed up due to a bug the children ahve had for nine days and counting, we had to cancel our hol this week due to illness and ive barely left the house at all.

So had a bit of a meltdown!

I never heard my mum/dad fighting, and usually DP & I don't, we have once, and unfortunately DS heard (it's a bungalow) even with the doors shut, we didn't shout at each other, however there was a disagreement and I stormed out only to come back 10 minutes later.

anyhow I went in to check on DS 10 minutes after to find him wide awake in his bed clearly upset. :(, I thought I was protecting DS by not having the fight infront of him, however that backfired, DP & I both sat him down and said it wasn't him etc etc sometimes we have disagreements, but we both love him etc etc and we all love each other still.

since then I think both of us are more aware that we say our peice there and then in a civilized manor and then apologies within half an hour if that but as I say we don't really argue, just the odd disagreement.

HercateQueenofWitches - that's an impressive record. have all you relationships been like that and were your parents like that? what sort of things do you have differences over and how do you resolve them?

Isn't the subject of the argument relevant for whether its had in front of the children too? My ex and his ex-wife argued a lot, frequently in front of the children, even when the subject was sexual in nature. I was shocked quite frankly and now feel very sorry for their children as they have reconciled

Just to clarify, the sad face was for the children, not the reconciliation.

Oh god no. My parents are very shouty! My dad has been violent a few times (not to my mum directly, but punching holes in doors, throwing plates etc) and my mum slaps when angry!

When me and Himself were first together, I would shout and yell and say awful things. He would stand there and say "I am not shouting. We will talk when you are calm." and he would not engage with me.

I learned very quickly that it is pointless shouting all by yourself

When we disagree, I tell him how I feel and what I think should happen, he tells me how he feels and what he thinks should happen, I tell him why I think he's wrong and he tells me why he thinks I'm wrong. Often one or other of us will actually see that the other person is right!

Otherwise, if it really matters to him but I'm not that bothered, we do it his way. And vv.

Sometimes he's 'put his foot down' and I've said "fine, we'll do that then, but understand that when it all turns to shit, I will go on and on and on and on."

He says "I know."

Then we get on with it.

It's all very - amicable.

Early days were not so. We had a huge power struggle. But we're over that now.

And you know what? It's bloody GREAT! I have never been happier. It's so calm and it's really nice.

I never argued in any other relationships, because if they didn't do everything my way, I walked. Straight away. My way or piss off. He is the only person I have ever been willing to compromise with.

HercateQueenofWitches that is really heartening advice. i've posted on another thread about anger issues i'm having with my OH. we've had very dramatic rows in the past and i have also been guilty of shouting / histrionic behaviour. i've now managed to calm myself down but OH has been less successful but then my calmness is quite recent.

this has been a relationship in which i've grown and become more self aware as a person and i really don't want it to come to me having to leave because of his anger.

your relationship sounds lovely btw.

We bicker senselessly but the children join in and then we all go on and on.

Sometimes I shout which isn't good. Dh doesn't shout, but then I'm not as annoying as him.

Oh, you should read some of my threads there have been MASSIVE problems. I am not trying to suggest we have a perfect relationship! We have had some awful times. I am not wanting to appear smug in any way!

Just this part of how we are is so good and peaceful and I love it.

I can tell you that you feel pretty silly shouting to yourself! Unless you are a bully, of course. Bullies will shout, even if the other person is not. Because they shout to intimidate, not because they are trying to communicate their feelings and don't know how else to do it.