Bit freaked out...

[eden263]

...and need a bit of reassurance.

Just had a card arrive by post from an ex which has freaked me out.

Backstory: met him in 2000, at that time he was in a mental health hospital, under a section. (OK, bells should have rang, I know, I know, but what can I say? He's very manipulative and I'd been a single mum for 13 years, and there was immediate chemistry, so I got sucked in, please don't judge me for that, I know what a fool I was.) Started dating Feb 2001.

He was due to be released from hospital a few months after but only on the condition he had an address to go to. He was desperate, as he had no friends other than others in mental health institutions (he'd been in hospital/secure units for 3 years) and didn't get on with his adoptive parents so I said he could stay with me for a couple of months 'til he got a flat. His CPN was meant to be arranging housing association for him. All was lovely until then.

He was a terrible, terrible man, controlling, violent, a liar, it turned out he was actually engaged to another woman who was still in a secure unit. I hit the roof over that and said he was taking the P out of both of us so he did then end it with her. But then he made me virtually a prisoner in my own home because if we went out, if he thought another man so much as looked at me, even though I walked everywhere with my eyes on the floor so that I couldn't accidentally look at a man, and kept telling how much I loved him and wasn't interested in other men, I'd get a damn good kicking when we got home. He'd suggest we'd go out for a night, and tell me what to wear, something he said he liked me in, then he'd spend all night yelling at me that I looked like a whore (I didn't, I'm a size 16 ffs!) and that I was coming on to men dressed 'like that'. And again, there'd be a kicking waiting for me when we got home. I dreaded coming back to my own home most days. The kids had to walk on eggshells too else..guess what...yes, more violence (to me, and never in front of them, thank god.) There were a couple of male nurses where I worked and god forbid he found out one had been on the same shift as me, it would, of course, mean I'd been sleeping with him. And so on. You get the picture. Women would phone up my house to arrange dates with him (he apparently told them he was living with his sister because someone had once thought we were siblings as we looked a little similar) and one of his friends would often phone me and threaten to kill both me and my kids if I didn't cooperate (ie be a better g/f).

Like many women in that kind of situation, he told me everything was my fault so many times that I believed him and thought if I stopped doing stuff that was wrong, he'd be nicer to me. It didn't happen, of course.

Things finally came to a head after about 9 months of this when we had one incident of unprotected sex (oh yes, he used to hit me during sex, forgot that bit) and I got pregnant. He went mental, first accusing me of sleeping around, but then after accepting it was his, he said he wanted nothing to do with it and I was to tell no-one about the baby's existence, ever. I explained that I would have to tell people, at least schools and health visitors etc, and that no way would I keep a child of mine locked in the house for ever like a dirty secret. He stormed off and I had the presence of mind to not let him back in that time, and actually stick to it. So that was, thankfully, that.

I miscarried at 12 weeks, which I was devastated about at the time as, crazy as it sounds, I still loved him...but now I can see that it was a blessing in disguise.

Oh poor you big hugs,

I'd say move and do it fast, I have a feeling the nice won't last

Eden, none of us here are in any position to reassure you, unfortunately, but please don't feel as though you are making a fuss about nothing- your worries are completely understandable. Have you thought about contacting Women's Aid, as they may be able to discuss your options with you?

Yes Eden it sounds a good idea to contact womens aid - also because I think they offer free or low cost counselling. And please don't blame yourself for any of what happened - you were a good person who met a bad man that's all that happened and you have fought hard to move on.

eden263 you are right to be scared. this man sounds extremely dangerous and ill. i suspect he will never be fully well. certainly not well enough to trust being in a relationship with.

of course you did not deserve to be treated like that. however i think you need to look long and hard at why you entered into such a relationship and stayed. you must be very troubled. there is no way someone with a healthy emotional state and life with the usual support structure of friends and family would have entered into such a relationship and stayed in it.

i'm talking as someone who has formed abusive relationships before and stayed in them. it only happens because we ourselves are not well on some level.

the best way to protect yourself is to heal yourself. whether that is through self help or therapy / counselling. you need to build your own emotional stability and emotional support structure of friends and family in order to fill that horrible void that someone like this psychotically violent man offered to fill.

you are not thinking of getting in touch with him are you?

it is very easy to use the word 'love' to describe the reasons why we stay. even violent abusive partners use the word 'love'. it is such an overused term that it has actually lost its true meaning on many levels. a better word to use and one which is of equal if not more importance in a relationship is respect. you need to ask does your partner respect you and do you respect them? for real proper love to exist it actually needs respect. it is actually quite easy to spot when this is missing.

Eden,

is there someone you can ask to stay with you for a while? A sibling/friend?

SmashingNarcissitsMirrors What an excellent post! That's the only constructive way OP can move on IMO. OP I sincerely do wish you all the best - my harshness is borne of shock - nothing else. I hope you can 'move on' in every sense of the word. Smashing has definitely given you the best advice IMO

I didn't mean to use all that bold !!!! sorry.

but Gorgeous, it's not constructive to tell someone who has been abused that they were 'irresponsible'. She was with this man several years ago and is trying to hide from him and keep him out of her life- your judgemental comments about the decisions she made a long time ago, are very different to the constructive points that SNM makes.

perhaps you dont realise that, but it's not helpful to someone vulnerable who is already being self critical - to be told that they were irresponsible. Abusers are highly manipulative - and someone like the OP , who came from an abusive background herself, was extremely vulnerable.

There are many women on this site fighting hard to get away from abusers - many of them will have come from abusive families - they need our support not judgement and criticism.

waterrat - it's a fine line isn't it, between helping someone to see that they have agency in a situation and therefore an ability to make different choices that lead to different outcomes and blaming them?

i think the former is probably just a kinder and more compassionate version of the latter. and as such is hopefully more helpful. compassion often comes from empathy which can be more easily achieved if you have walked in the others shoes a little bit. i think perhaps it is hard for those who have never been in an abusive relationship to countenance how someone could allow themselves to be in that situation - perhaps that's the case for you GORGEOUSX?

Smashing I think you're right - again!

GX are you getting the message yet that these kinds of threads are not really appropriate for you to comment on, in the style in which you do it ?

constant deletions and having to return to back track is becoming somewhat of your MO, isn't it ?

you might be best leaving it for others who can help more because

a) you seem to have very little in the way of empathising skills

b) you keep doing the same thing over and over, and not learning anything from it, nor gaining any understanding of people living in abusive situations from these boards

Any thoughts ?

Go to the police.

PeterAndre Having checked the MN rules, there is nothing in them that states one can only post if PeterAndre likes the tone of said posts.

The deletions you mention are nothing to do with me - you are making assumptions. One of my messages was deleted, yes, but all the rest were entirely unrelated to anything I posted. A poster came on and made offensive remarks and another poster told them to "fuck off" - hence the deletions; I'm sorry if it spoilt your enjoyment of reading this thread, but that's entirely out of my hands.

If you look up at the top MN clearly state that MNetters are not qualified to give advice and that OPs should seek professional help and not go by the advice of complete strangers (some of whom will be nutters themselves).

So, I'm afraid that until your name is appearing in blue along with Justine and Co. I shall continue to post on any thread I like.

Enjoy your evening

Yes but Gorgeous, you are doing more harm than good to people who really need good advice and support.

PLEASE pick the threads you post on, and preview your posts to see if you could be hurting someone.

It's not a witch hunt, it's trying to encourage constructive and helpful replies to serious and intricate relationship matters.

Oh and the use of the word 'nutters' is something that tends to be discouraged.

HTH

All sounds very Jackanory !

LittleMissHissyFit - That is your opinion; You seem to think that your opinion is more valid than mine - it's not. My opinion is as valid as anyone else's - the fact that you don't agree with my opinion does not invalidate it.

Have a nice day

What is your agenda Gorgeousx?

I am just curious. Your posting on threads like this is becoming pathological. You seem to thrive on causing abuse victims further hurt. You seem to enjoy turning the focus FROM op to yourself and your right to post.

I think you have a lot you need to get off your chest, perhaps, but this is not the way to go. I think you might benefit from starting your own thread, asking for support and advice. I am worried for you.

Have YOUR own thread, and let OP have hers. Of course you have the right to voice your opinion, but I am actually more concerned with what you DONT say, than what you actually say....

I am smiling to myself at the irony of other posters coming on here to 'talk' to me and then accusing me of detracting from the OP. I DO have my own thread Quintessential - if you truly don't want to detract from the OP, come and 'talk' to me there - It's in Education - Waiting for results 1st March. Look forward to it

No GorgeousX, my opinion matters not a jot, the feelings or of people asking for help and advice are the only things that matter.

If one person tells you your head is missing, you can write it off. ignore it. If 2 people tell you the same thing, you may stop and think. If dozens are telling you your head is missing, time to at least check it out, surely?

You seem oblivious to everyone except yourself. Your posting name is an oxymoron.

Gorgeousx, not interested in school threads, so wont be posting. Unless I should go and and tell you all that you are ridiculous to put such emphasis on what school your kids get into, and you should let destiny take its course. But hey, that would be a bit rude of me...

Which brings me back to you, what is your agenda in Relationship threads, then?

Hopefully, the DC of the posters on that thread, who are interested in their DCs education, won't end up on relationship threads - that may relieve your workload somewhat.