What is it with relationship games? Aarrrgggghhh

[ginnyjeans]

Have come out of a long marriage (12 years) will be divorced in a couple of weeks. But we've been apart a year now and troubles began six months before that. After an awful time last year am totally ready for a new relationship. And don't feel any relationship I have will be rebound as am totally over my ex. Met the most fantastic man early Jan. We got on like a house on fire, similar interest. The whole thing was totally intense But he is also coming out of a long marriage and about a week or so ago, I deduced he wasn't really ready to move forward and spoke to him about it he accepted that was the case and that was that.

But I miss him so much after knowing him only a short time. And I read that no contact is the best way to go - but why do we have to play these games? And is that the best way? Or do I move on. I know, I should just get on with my life. But his man just really got under my skin. :(

It's not really games, it's trying someone out to see if you'll suit, isn't it? You had some time together, some good memories out of it, it didn't work out, end of story. There isn't necessarily anything wrong with either you or him that stopped you making it work. It just isn't the case that any two normal adult human beings are capable of having a satisfactory long-term relationship, although the good news is that quite a lot of them can. On to the next romance!

Me, I'm having a nice rest from all that relationship angst

Hes not 'playing games' in my opinion. He's just saying that, right now, the relationship isn't working for him.

I know it hurts, a lot, but there will be someone else who IS able to build a relationship with you.

But games would be keeping you dangling on, saying he will call/see you and then not. etc etc.

• you deduced that HE wasn't ready, and told him that
• he 'acepted that was the case'

sounds to me that you are the one playing games.

from his point of view he met someone, she unexpectedly dumped him, dressing up the dumping with incomprehensible psyochobabble about the way HE felt...

Mmmm, the last thing I am doing is playing games. He pulled back massively from me the last couple of weeks we were seeing each other - I knew something was up. Where he had been full on before, there were days when he wasn't contact me but I just waited for him to get in touch rather than chasing. But then he would say he had been feeling flat and that he was ok now. Then we were supposed to have a date weekend before last and he gave me this excuse about how he wasn't feeling great, feeling really down etc. but that he didn't want to let me down and started using his kids as an excuse. So, I didn't want to be messed around. But yes, maybe I shouldn't have put words into his mouth and maybe he led me into doing that. I don't know. After we decided to just be friends, he was still texting and sending me mixed messages.

He had already told me previously that he felt this could be a really serious relationship very quickly and he felt emotional about that. I said at that point we could take things slowly etc. or leave things on a high and he said he definitely still wanted to see me but then after that chat started pulling back massively again at certain times while being very forward at others. It was just full on, intense from the beginning. A real rush of feelings for both of us, which I was worried about and I guess I was right to be. We got on so well and he was so touchy feely and I've missed that. Missed the romance and he certainly gave me that, so should be thankful for that at least.

But yes, it's not the greatest feeling in the world as I liked him so much and he is so lovely but I want someone who is willing to commit not someone who is running away. And I guess he has unfinished business. Sigh. Just feeling pants today as I cant seem to switch off. Must concentrate on other things!

How old is he, if you don't mind me asking?

Early forties.

No contact is the best thing you could do for yourself, imho. Leave the door open for somebody stable to come into your life when the time is right for them.

You don't need to be messed around. He obviously liked you but probably isn't/wasn't ready for more than a dating arrangement.

Sounds like you'd like to offer more to the right one, I think you've done the right thing. You're bound to miss him, but it may not be missing 'him' so much as having someone around.

Stay strong about this! I think you've done the right thing. There's nothing like stating your boundaries to regain your power. I don't mean relationships are a power struggle, I just mean it's good to voice it if you're not getting what you need and you sense that maybe it isn't going anywhere if you want it to develop further.

My sis escaped from a relationship similar the one you describe. He had recently divorced and just wasn't ready. He would go from full on commitment to 'I need space' and back again within the same 24 hours. Very wearing.
She has now met someone on the same page, and is very happy.

He may be ready at some point in the future, but you are there now. So are other people, so chalk this experience up as practice for Mr Better-than-before

Ah, thanks missmehalia. He definitely liked me, he made that completely clear. But he seems to be quite an emotional person (as opposed to my soon to be ex husband) so wasn't used to that. Just never connected so much with someone as I felt I did with him and so quickly. But whereas I am ready to move on, I think he isn't quite there.

But yes, no contact (please let me be able to do this!) and need to stop daydreaming about how great it was in the beginning, how amazing I felt he was and to stop feeling fed up and sorry for myself. Was completely stunned by this relationship as he's not my type at all but I have never been more attracted to someone. But my horizons are now broadened.

Sorry, I mean not my usual type.

ginnyjeans
I am totally with you but a little way behind......I am still married but we have been having problems for a couple of years and I have asked for a divorce. At the moment we are still living together as I cannot afford to set up my own place until the end of the year and we have a fairly young child. I have met somebody too, I have known of him for a year or so but we never really spoke just 'fancied eachother' I guess.He then found me on the dreaded Facebook and we have been just talking via the internet for a few months.We actually met for the first time a few weeks ago and five hours went by in what seemed like 20 minutes, we both obviously really fancy eachother, we get along well and have similar taste etc but he is also playing this game and I feel very confused. Fair enough I am still living with my husband but the marriage has been dead for along time and we get along well as friends. I just wa t to see him and he is being very slow and its making me anxious and confused. I hate all this, im not used to it having been in a relationship/marriage for ten years

so much so that I deleted his number to stop me from texting him because I dont want to make a fool of myself! haha how silly and juvenile is that!

marriednotdead - yes I definitely want someone on the right page. I'm a relationship girl for sure. Nice to hear your sister found someone lovely. Gives the rest of us hope! :)

Hi ginny

I am intrigued that you are so clear that you are totally over your ex and "ready for a relationship" after only twelve months. Clearly there are no rules and everybody is different.

I split up with my H after 28 years 6 months ago and don't feel I will be fit for a "relationship" for at least another year.

But I have recently started chatting to a very lovely man, divorced 2 years (who seems to have lots of issues still). I am going to use this friendship as a training exercise, take it very slowly and practice my new rules learned mainly here on MN.

Even if he just gives me an ego boost and a reminder of how these things work I will be pleased. I had forgotten all that "butterfly tummy" and fretting about phone calls nonsense. I'm too old for it!

Littlehousebytheriver - I really am. Last year was hell. My emotions were all over the place, I could barely function and had my DD to look after with no support from my stbx. But about Oct last year I really turned a corner (he had moved out in the March). He is already living with another woman who has 2 children and (to spare you a long story) she is very welcome to him. I recently saw a pic of the two of them together and although it wasn't nice to see, I felt nothing. I really feel like I'm over it. I don't want to be defined by my divorce. I don't want to be bitter over it. I want to move on. And hopefully I'm getting there!

But 28 years is an age. I'm sure it is much harder for you. And fab about the man you are chatting with! Those confidence boosts are what it's all about. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!

I was made to feel very special by my guy and I cannot say enough how good it made me feel. I've never been romanced like that (certainly not by my husband) and I hope that isn't it!! I hope it happens again and sooner than later. I would prefer with this chap, but looks like that's not to be.

But yes, I think starting over at any age is scary - and we all feel too old for it!! ha ha

and littlemisslost doesn't it say more about your new man that he is reluctant to get involved while you are still with your DH? Surely you should get out of your marriage before you start dating someone new? Any sane person would be very wary of starting a relationship with you before you have left. That way lies a lot of grief!

by the by, what does it mean to "ask for a divorce"? Maybe I am naive here but surely ending a marriage isn't a question of "asking" but "telling". He can't say "actually no you can't have a divorce you will have to stay with me for 47 more years".
One party announces the relationship is over
and henceforth it is.
Or am I missing something?

we are sleeping in separate rooms and get along, we are parenting our daughter and getting on until i qualify in september and can get a job and buy a home, why end up in a council flat ( because thats all Id get at the moment as no job) when I have a home that I bought when I was in work with almost £50,000 equity each in it, and can use and buy somewhere in 6 months? yes he is right not get involved in one sense, but its the first time Ive been happy and had something to look forward to in years

Littlemiss lost and ginnyjeans..I shall tell you my story...

Was with DC father for 18 years. The last 5 were "hell" and I had distanced myself from him during that time, and we were pretty much living our own lives (well I was, he didn't want to). In those 5 years I had become strong enough and confident enough to separate. I was certainly emotionally stable enough (so I thought) so, fast forward 6 months...met a man who swept me off my feet. He was everything my ex wasn't. I was blown away. This lasted 3 years. I brought the relationship to an end because as time went on I realised that it wasn't right. Here I was again being at the bottom of someone else's pile. It took every bit of courage to end it, well TBH I wanted it to change not end, but he wasn't in the least bit interested, so there, I was right to end it. That was 18 months ago.

Over the last 18 months I realised although I THOUGHT I was ready for a relationship when I split with DC father because it had been bad for so long, I wasn't. I was extremely vulnerable but didn't realise it. I have now experienced every emotion imaginable, and I do believe that I never allowed myself to heal the first time around. I have been on my own since, and the prospect of having another relationship at present, for me, wouldn't be healthy. I don't think I have healed just yet. My last partner moved on into another relationship within weeks. I would question a mans emotional capacity to move on so quickly.In fact I would steer clear..

Ginny..I think you need to give this man some space. It may not work at present because I think you both may be emotionally vulnerable, but that's not to say it won't ever work. Have you ever heard the sayings "what is for you won't go by you" and "If it's meant to be" well, This may be the case for you. I think everyone should have time alone to heal after a relationship has ended.

Wysiwig you speak wisely. Mu instinct is exactly as you say. I have never lived alone in my life and I am now so enjoying it I cannot imagine letting anyone share my space except my DC when they wish to visit, and carefully selected gentleman callers!!

I think it is really important to stabilise and work out who I am and what I enjoy before I attempt to connect with someone else.

I am lucky I can afford to support myself and don't need anyone to lean on except friends and family.

LHBTR...This is the first time in my life I have ever been truly alone (apart from DC) and I am still in the process of finding "me". She has been lost for so many years and has settled for so little in that time.

I am also lucky that I can support myself, so the next relationship is definitely "complimentary" as opposed to "supplementary".

When I have found "me", "he" can have "she".

Wysiwig - I get what you are saying, thanks for the advice. I'm not rushing to date another man again right now (just want a breather) and I have learnt a lot about myself. It's not any man I'm after per say. I had this amazing connection with this man. And maybe we do both need time and we probably are both vulnerable. We are staying in touch, but I don't want to stay in touch and hope for something that won't materialise. But yes, I've heard those expressions. Hopefully it won't go by me! :)

It's tough coming out of a marriage. I think it shakes your foundations. But I can honestly say.... I feel like I'm moving on for sure. Would not have stbx back in a million years. Wonder why I was with him for so long now!

Littlemiss lost - hard situation. Maybe things will move forward for you when you do separate properly (ie. are not in the same house as your ex). I guess if you think of role reversal, would you be happy dating someone still living with their ex? That's got to throw up all kinds of issues. I hope things work out for you. Divorce is tough and we all deserve some happiness!!