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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like im living a horrible nightmare :-(

30 replies

InLimbo77 · 28/02/2011 11:51

P told me last month we were over.
We'd been through a few weeks of strain, last year we had months of strain but sorted it out so i thought.
We agreed to try living together but apart so dd has us both around, he explained to dd that he was in spare room as sometimes friends dont get on when theyre too close/togetjer all time so he said weve moved a bit apart and its better.

Dd seems fine, he seems fine, i am not.
One minute were all out for lunch laughing and joking then dd goes to bed and were in separate rooms watching tv.

I still love him. He said at the time he didnt love me anymore, then that he didnt know how hed feel in future but didnt want to lead me on making me think there was hope.

Im not begging, am trying to get through each day without cracking up, im crying at the end of every day then when im asleep im dreaming about us, sometumes nice dreams that we work it out so upsetting, mostly nightmares where hes repeating he doesnt love me or im hitting his as ive found thingd belonging to another womsn.

Im not coping very well, am very unsettled and scared and i miss him so much.
These dreams are clouding my judgement as im doubting him and misinterpreting signals.

Sorry to moan, am just a bit lost x

OP posts:
thereturnofElsieTanner · 28/02/2011 12:00

Is he planning to move out? This living arrangement can't continue indefinitely. It will send you round the bend. Can you ask him what he is planning to do? Or even better, ask him to move out while he thibks about it.

HiBarryScottHere · 28/02/2011 12:02

Yeah, I agree, he needs to move out.

zikes · 28/02/2011 12:05

I think this limbo-land you're in is pretty awful. He has said he thinks it's over, so perhaps your best plan is to bring this living arrangement to an end and ask him to move out or move out yourself.

If he does see a future for you two, then maybe this will shake him into trying. If he doesn't, it frees you to start putting yourself back together.

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 28/02/2011 12:08

poor you this must be truly horrible. honestly you need to put your feelings of love to one side and tell him that this situation is not good enough. you need to properly split up and give yourself time to heal. this nonsense about not knowing how he'll feel in the future is just total bullshit really, isn't it? i mean we could all say the same.

no matter how you feel about him you can't stay in this situation. it is turning you into a wreck as you recognise. it is also preventing you from moving on and meeting that someone who really will love you and appreciate your love for them. you may not have met them yet, but they do exist, honestly.

Original poster
InLimbo77 · 28/02/2011 12:10

We both wanted him to stay for dd, but said wed hsve to keep looking at how things are going.
I feel unsteady enough at minute without now discussing him going, i cant imagine being without him, as a family and for us, im not telling him all this as im not a pushover.
He has no where to go at all and i wouldnt leave as id never leave dd or uproot her plus i work from my home.
I know you all dont know us, but i think hes just as confused but its killing me :-(

OP posts:
moocowme · 28/02/2011 12:17

and he has asked for your opinion on this new arrangement? How has he taken it into consideration?

zikes · 28/02/2011 12:20

Your dd will still have both of you, just not necessarily in the same house. If he's a decent guy he'll want access and do his part even if he's not living with her.

He can look at renting bedsits, flats, shared houses or even a house of his own, depending on finance.

It must be unbearable for you. If he's apparently coping just fine in the situation as it is, he has no incentive to try to make things work or to finish things properly.

Original poster
InLimbo77 · 28/02/2011 12:21

We both agreed when it sll happend we would rather dd have her dad around, he made sure it was what i wanted too.
I feel evil but for me, its tearinge apart so if i ask him to go it will now be me ripping family apart not him

OP posts:
thereturnofElsieTanner · 28/02/2011 12:27

Don't equate family stability with living under the same roof. Your mental health and well being are far more important considerations when providing a stable home for your dd. No matter how much you button your lip or grin and bear it your dd will pick up on your unhappiness, anxiety or low mood.

Original poster
InLimbo77 · 28/02/2011 12:28

I dont want him to go.
I want to make it work.
I dont know if he thinks its worth trying, he difnt at the time.
I dont want anyone else.
If its not me, dd and him then its just me and dd.

OP posts:
thereturnofElsieTanner · 28/02/2011 12:30

Can you say this to him?

HiBarryScottHere · 28/02/2011 12:33

No matter how much you button your lip or grin and bear it your dd will pick up on your unhappiness, anxiety or low mood.

This is so true.

dignified · 28/02/2011 12:48

Sorry to bring it up , but i wouldnt be surprised if there is someone else on the scene , no matter how little time he has ect .

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 28/02/2011 13:03

you don't want him to go fair enough.
you want it to work but it isn't and you have to accept this. you can't change it.
wishing something won't make it happen.
you think you can't live without him but you can.

however it's your life and if you choose to spend it in this sense of heightened anxiety in a relationship that just isn't happening then go ahead.

he's not confused. he's just not that into you. i'm afraid you are using the mask of confusion to avoid facing up to this fact.

if there is any chance that his feelings might change you are killing it by staying and becoming this anxious, clingy person.

you can still be a family and not be in a relationship or living under the same roof.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 28/02/2011 13:42

If you're having nightmares that you're hitting him because you've found evidence of an affair, I'd listen to those subconscious thoughts. An affair is the most likely reason for what has happened.

Meanwhile, he gets to continue his affair with all the comfort of a roof over his head and minimal disruption. You on the other hand are dying inside. That's unfair, don't you think?

Ask him to leave and stand on his own two feet. If it is an affair, it will be the quickest method of stopping it in its tracks.

Original poster
InLimbo77 · 28/02/2011 14:17

Hrs definatly not having an affair

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 28/02/2011 14:23

How do you actively know this? Have you asked him or more reliably, checked things out for yourself? Or is it that you don't think he's "the type"?

robberbutton · 28/02/2011 14:30

Asking him to leave will NOT be you breaking up a family. He has done this through his U Turn in how he feels about you. Please please have no guilt about that. Now you have to put yourself first and end this horrible limbo situation. Doing what's right for you will also be doing what's right for your DC, who will suffer if they have to see you living like this.

robberbutton · 28/02/2011 14:33

If he made sure him staying was what you wanted too, could you not just explain to him that now you've tried it for a while it's not working out, it's too painful and unbearable for you, and actually he does need to go, if he can't commit to fixing your relationship.

smokingnuns · 28/02/2011 14:40

I think that's tremendously cruel of him tbh. YOu are in agony OP and you need to protect yourself - if you can't do it for you then do it for dd, who will definitely be picking up this level of torture in you, whether you 'show' it or not. It's ok for him - he's got all the comforts of home, but you are being rejected constantly, a constant diet of it. It is desperately painful living with someone who consistently doesn't want you Sad. You are NOT breaking up the home - he should have had the decency to do that himself instead of subjecting you to this daily torture Angry

InLimbo77 · 28/02/2011 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustForThisOne · 28/02/2011 14:43

OP would it help if he was?

Original poster
InLimbo77 · 28/02/2011 15:27

No

OP posts:
Original poster
InLimbo77 · 28/02/2011 15:32

How could that help?

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 28/02/2011 15:42

It helps because at the moment, you are being forced to believe that your relationship has caused his change of heart and that you have become unloveable. Knowing that in fact, he is just a common-or-garden deceiver who's had his head turned by a sexual adventure, helps you to put the blame where it is deserved and to stop looking inwards. That is, assuming you won't be one of those women who erroneously thinks that she "drove" a man to infidelity, because if he's been unfaithful, those were his choices.

Knowing the truth of your situation helps you to make decisions in life. Being kept in the dark means that you are making unsighted and uninformed decisions.