2 more days then I wont feel so bad

[feellikegivingup]

Hello, Ive namechanged as my dd knows I come on here and what my usual name is,

2 days untill I can put her on the rent agreement, then I know that she and my ds will have a home after I go,

I don't think I can cope for much longer, ive been a lone parent for 13 years, one relationship 3 years ago that lasted almost 2 years but he was a twat, didnt care about my kids so binned him,

Ex / kids dad was very violent, we had to move far away and no contact allowed,

I'm trying relly hard to get work, as much as i wanna get off benifits I wanna job that gives me a social life and to feel usefull, been a year now and losing hope, I apply for everything I can within my travelling distance, 2 interviews in a year, both for the same company, differant reasons for not getting it,

Ive had enough, cant do it anymore, I think we may lose everything soon, they will be better off if im not in the picture.

Thankyou Bella, I do get on very well with my mum and she and my dsdad have helped us very much in the years we have been alone, She just is a bit old school and doesn't understand how things work with benifits and stuff,

She has never had to step into a job centre or claim housing benefit, she thinks that if you just tell them the situation then they will understand but in reality it isn't like that,

I love my kids more than anything, if it wasnt for them God knows where I would be now, I am very proud of both of them both, I'm sure we will all get through this, Its just lately I feel so useless and I desperatly wanna feel in controll but sometimes it just gets too much,

The other night If my kids hadn't been here I'm sure I would have done something stupid as I felt so low, I cannot talk to my doc about it as there are 3 in my surgery and are all grumpy, thats the one thing I miss about my old life, My doc back then was lovely, He even phoned my mum after we moved away to see if we were ok, my docs now wouldnt even care.

I am so relieved that you are feeling a bit better and that dd had a good birthday

The ongoing problems with your ds sound tough, but they do sound like they might ease, wih lots of time and patience (mostly time I think...)

All the best for your forthcoming sad anniversary...another one to put behind you. Sad but true

Perhaps you could post in the Bereavement or Teenagers section for some specific tips on how best to deal with him ?

Take care x

Hi PeterAndre I have tried to speak to my ds tonight about tomorrow but he says everything is ok,

I know it isnt as although he won't accept my dd or myself as a friend on facebook he uses my laptop and I can access his account as he doesnt log off,

He posts losts of stuff about his uncle that makes me very sad and I cant tell him I know cos then he will set a password and I will be totally unaware of how he is feeling.

He misses him so much, We all do, He was such a lovely bloke, He gave me a beautifull little niece and 2 gorgeous step nieces, I loved from the start as he more than slighty resembled Robbie Williams ( ive allways loved Take That) lol

I know that he wouldn't want my dd birthday being a downer every year cos of the day after, My sis thinks he held on so it wouldnt be on the same day but I am afraid that my ds will allways resent my dd having her birthday when it is, he hasn't spoken to her today exept for being horrible, I said to him this morning about wishing her a happy birthday ad he just said he didnt care.

aww, I feel very sad for him

time will ease this, I promise you

it's so hard to see that now, keep telling him you love him and one day he may open up to you

it hurts when your own dc don't do that, but you are not alone in that

I have peeked in my own dd's FB plus MSN and been very shocked and upset at what I saw (mostly about how horrible I am, and she hates me ), it is normal to some extent with teenagers

how is your sister coping ? Are you spending the day together ?

ps. I prefer Howard

good night and good luck x

I do like Howard now, never really noticed him before,

My sis has coped really well, He was ill on and off for a good 2 years before he left us so I think she did alot of her grieving then, He was in a hospice for a month before he died and she was there 24 hours,

My sis, Mum and my little niece who is 5 are off to disneyland on thursday, I think its to take their mind off it as it was planned for last year but obviously never happened,

I have also seen a few things on my ds's facebook which are not nice about me and I once had to pretend a family member had texted me about it to get him to remove it as he has every other family memeber on there but wont have me or dd.

hi feelslike so glad you and dd had a lovely day. A belated happy birthday for her.

What age is ds? Sounds like he has struggle with loosing your dbil. It must have been so hard for you all, just mean got to ds as they were so close. My dcuz sounds very much like your ds, quiet but aggressive, sullen and moody. He grew out of it. Your quite right to keep an eye on his fb, i do the same with ds and sds.

Your night on saturday with dd sounds fab. You should get ready with a bottle of wine and blare take that (robbie was my favourite)

So glad you came back. Please use us to vent. I know many of us have been that low and are happy to listen.

Thankyou for your message Stac, My ds is 15, he doesn't really remember his dad as he was only 2 when we left and when my sis got together with my bro in law a few years later he quickly latched onto him,

Although there are other men in my family so he did have male role models my bro in law already has 2 girls and then had another with my sis but always wanted a boy so ds was like the son he never had and paid him lots of attention. He used to take him bike riding, Fishing (camping over) and would play computer games with him for hours,

I will keep an eye on his fb as long as I can without him realising, I've learnt more from that than he would actually tell me,

i totally understand ds's relationship with his uncle as my ds is the same with his uncle and I know he would struggle.

Checking fb seems harsh but sometimes its the only way to keep tabs isnt it? Has to be done if you can.

Thinking of you today and your family

Thankyou {smile}

Ive never been good at those smiely things but you know what I mean, will have to get my dd to show me, not using this name though, x

Hey feellike

How lovely to see you back posting.

I hope that today passes with fond memories for you all. Celebrate the good things about him, remember his smile, his laugh, all the things that you loved about him.

I think DS is silently grieving for his uncle. Teenagers aren't always so great at talking, shouting and slamming doors, yes.

As Peter says, time will heal him. It's not easy for you all to watch but just be there for him for when he is ready to open up and talk to you.

I'm sure he will and it'll take him by surprise, as much as you.

Thinking of you,

Take good care x

Agree with Mouseface and thinking of you too.

I am glad to see you are feeling a little better.

I was 18 when my mum tried to kill herself. She had hung herself. I found her. I had just moved out, to share a flat with other students. She thought it was a good time, she had waited till I left home.

I can honestly say it is the worst thing you can do to your children. It has stayed with me all my life, for over 20 years. It is something I will never forget, and the ONE thing that keep me from doing the same. I dont wish it upon my kids. So I struggle on, and God knows, I wish my life was different. But I love my little boys, and keep going for them. There is nothing else really. Good luck.

QS xx

oh no, QS

I am so sorry that you had to go through that QS and I won't put my kids through that no matter what, In some ways I do regret starting this thread the other night but in a way I'm glad I did as it has made me wake up,

There is no way any of my family would see us on the streets, I think that I just may have to swallow my pride and ask for their help till things get better, I know they would help me, I just dont like them knowing i'm not coping very well, and I hate owing anyone money and stuff.

I'm still gonna put dd on the tenancy agreement but I will wait till she's finished school and has a full time job, you never know what could happen and I would want them to at least be able to keep their home, ( im talking accidents or illness)

I'm not gonna do anything stupid, I know that is selfish and my kids are worth so much more,

I do thank everyone who has commented on this thread,

Big hugs to you all, xx Thankyou

hugs back to you too

never mind about starting this thread, you were at a low point, and reached out for help

I am glad you did

Oh Feel

So glad you are feeling better than you were!

What Peter said is right. You reached out for help when you were at rock bottom - absolutely the right thing to do.

Sorry if I misinterpreted the Mum thing earlier :)

I am rubbish at asking for help also. But then I think, what would I do if a friend or family member asked for help and I could give it? Well, I'd give it of course, and get lots of satisfaction from doing so. And I'm sure you would help anyone the same.

Sometimes it's a giving time, sometimes we need a bit of support and help. No-one is intended to survive entirely independently, we're all connected.

Eek that sounded a bit preachy but I hope you see waht I mean!

Mega hugs.

oh qs i lost my mum when i was 18, really puts life in a different perspective.

Glad you made the thread feels you reached out and think we're all glad you did. Hugs 4 u x