Will anyone ever love me properly?

[Nogoodatthis]

Saw my friend's engagement ring this weekend - massive whopping diamond. Her fiance went through a lot of hoops to get hold of it for her from another country as well.

I know it's not about the size of the rock, but it just made me sad to think that I couldn't imagine anyone loving me enough to go to the lengths my friend's fiance went to, to give me a massive diamond.

I've never been proposed to, ever. Instead I've just been in one shitty relationship after another, thanks to my crap childhood and total lack of understanding of boundaries and what's normal. Not to mention no self esteem.

I feel like I'm the one my friends and acquaintances talk about when they're trying to make themselves feel better about their own problems. Like, "Yeah I'm having a tough time but at least I'm not Nogoodatthis. Thank god I haven't had to deal with what she's been through."

Sorry for the self-indulgent pity rant. I just feel especially shit at the moment. All my friends are in long term relationships and starting to have children. All I want more than anything is to have a family with a man who loves me and whom I love. People do it all the time. Why is it so hard for me?? I feel like I'm destined to be the single, childless one everyone feels sorry for and secretly suspects I'm a lesbian in the closet or something.

I feel so sad and envious and I don't like myself for the envious bit but I can't help it :(

Well done - I confess I can see some of my old traits in you as well, so I wondered if you had similar thoughts to me and lo! you do. Although my childhood was not abusive, and my mum probably did love me, I never really felt loved by her. Except once - when I was 12 and fell off my bike and came home crying because I thought I'd broken my thumb (hadn't). So I had a big mother-love shaped hole in my perception of myself as well - and no one can really fill that hole because you need your mum to do it and she won't. The next best thing is for you to do it - for you to give your child-self the love that your mum should have.

So - try the exercise - and then take the big step of believing what your friends say (perhaps not your DP at this moment in time). Ask your friends to write the list down and give it to you in a sealed envelope - and then open it when they are not there. That way you cannot argue with them about it! If you cannot accept what they say, that indicates that you don't trust their judgement - would you rather accept that?

The other bit, that sounds a bit like something called Impostor syndrome - I had that a lot re. work, in that I constantly felt I was just winging it, that someone would cotton on to the fact that I didn't really know what I was doing and wasn't really up to the job. My boss kept telling me that I was doing fine, that my work was great, what they wanted etc. but my insecurities kept telling me she was just saying that because she didn't really know how bad I was.
When in fact the job I did was just fine.

Hope some of this is helping anyway.

Wow, I didn't realise there was a name for it.

Yes you've helped enormously, thanks TW.

No problem! :)
Have to go to bed now but will catch up with you tomorrow (am in Oz).

Nogood

Would also suggest you follow the exercise that thumbwitch has suggested.

I am really glad to see that you are seeing a good counsellor (was going to add in my original post that counsellors are like shoes, you need to find one that fits). Keep at it!. You can reclaim your life from the miseries of your past and go onto be happy within your own skin.

You may also want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward if you have not already done so. She writes at length about dysfunctional families; it may be a book you'd want to read.

I was following this too and wondering how things were for the OP :) This thread has helped me enormously.