Will anyone ever love me properly?

[Nogoodatthis]

Saw my friend's engagement ring this weekend - massive whopping diamond. Her fiance went through a lot of hoops to get hold of it for her from another country as well.

I know it's not about the size of the rock, but it just made me sad to think that I couldn't imagine anyone loving me enough to go to the lengths my friend's fiance went to, to give me a massive diamond.

I've never been proposed to, ever. Instead I've just been in one shitty relationship after another, thanks to my crap childhood and total lack of understanding of boundaries and what's normal. Not to mention no self esteem.

I feel like I'm the one my friends and acquaintances talk about when they're trying to make themselves feel better about their own problems. Like, "Yeah I'm having a tough time but at least I'm not Nogoodatthis. Thank god I haven't had to deal with what she's been through."

Sorry for the self-indulgent pity rant. I just feel especially shit at the moment. All my friends are in long term relationships and starting to have children. All I want more than anything is to have a family with a man who loves me and whom I love. People do it all the time. Why is it so hard for me?? I feel like I'm destined to be the single, childless one everyone feels sorry for and secretly suspects I'm a lesbian in the closet or something.

I feel so sad and envious and I don't like myself for the envious bit but I can't help it :(

How old are you?
You haven't said anything positive about yourself, do you work/study etc

I was wondering what you do (?) and how old you are (?)

What things make you happy?

I'm 31 :(

I have a good job in an industry a lot of people would like to work in. I earn very good money, I have a great flat, I'm slim and attractive, intelligent (I have a masters degree), I've travelled the world on my own...

I've basically spent my whole life trying to do really interesting, challenging, intrepid things and becoming a success in order to prove (to myself? other people) that I'm not a total fuck up failure.

But despite all this, the fact that I am not married and don't even have a prospect of being married or having children yet makes me feel a total fuck up failure.

People would look at me and see me jet-setting around the world with the great job and the great wardrobe and the disposable income, and really all I want to do is have babies and love and be loved :(

I feel like somehow I'm being really disloyal to feminism or something to want to deny all the amazing opportunities and great blessings I've had over my life in terms of work achievements and material stuff.

I feel so sad. Will it ever happen for me?

Hey, dont be so hard on yourself. The ring buyer may be a genuinely generous romantic guy, or he could be an extravagant tosser who likes to make grand gestures but underneath is a shit to live with.. everything is not always what it seems.

You dont say how old you are, but if its any consolation, I had crap relationships until I was in my 30's and met the man I realised was the first bloke I had ever loved enough to want to marry. So I made him ask me..

Forget finding a bloke for a while and learn to love yourself. Its a cliche, but its a true one. :)

How did you make him ask you?

I can't imagine ever being in a relationship where I had the confidence in his feelings for me to be so forthright.

I just assume everyone I ever get involved with will hurt me horribly at some point. Up until now, I've been right.

I try so hard. I must be doing something wrong. But what?

Im 35 now and no one has proposed to me either, in fact 'd' p is moving out at the weekend I think.
I have my ds who was not planned.
I have a crap job.
But honestly, im quite happy and contented (or will be after the weekend).
You sound really down on yourself.
You need a positive mental attitude unfortunatley I have no idea how your meant to get one!
Once your happy in yourself, other things will follow. If you got into a relationship just now, you would place too much pressure on the other person to fill the gap you have.
A partner should be an addition to an already happy you iyswim.
Maybe some counselling would help you, you sound like you have low self esteem despite being so sucessful?

We were already seeing each other.. which does help..

Thats what I am saying though, I think when you meet the right one, you do have that confidence, you just know it. You are 31, I was 32 when I met my husband, and we have been married nearly ten years now.

Maybe trying too hard is what you are doing wrong. Men do like independent women, and on the surface you appear to be that woman but if as soon as they get talking to you, you come over as desperate to settle down and have a kid, then lots of blokes will run a mile.

Go into the next relationship with a casual attitude. Play it cool. Let them do the running, or at least think they are doing the running.. not all men are bastards, honestly. :)

You sound like you have a very busy life. Have you tried internet dating. I have a few friends who work long hours, travel a lot, and find it difficult to meet new people, and they have used eHarmony, with great results. One of them is getting married next month :)

You do realise that A Lot of feminists have babies and get married

It does not have to be one or the other: marriage/partnership + babies, OR

singledom, no children, travelling etc

Life is a matter of choices- of action. You are a go getting, successful and attractive woman. You are solvent and able.

You are intelligent and smart. If what you want is a husband/partner and children, then you require a mental shift that enables you to say to yourself "this is what I want now: I shall make it happen"

What you should question is this: do you REALLY want the "sweep me off my feet relationship" or do you hear your biological clock ticking and what you really want are babies and think you HAVE to have The Great Romance to achieve this (?)

Only you can answer that (and you don't have to here)

Completely agree with squeakytoy and the loving yourself cliche.

What are you doing wrong? You don't really believe you deserve to be happy. When you do believe it, you'll choose someone who won't be going out of their way to hurt you, but if they did for whatever reason, you'd be able to get past it together. Being hurt is sometimes part of being in a relationship. Don't be scared of it; it forces you to grow.
And don't expect the diamonds... they're not the important bit.

I'm in a relationship at the moment but I'm starting to get the feeling that he might be cooling off.

I haven't acted desperate, if anything maybe I've been playing it a bit too cool and independent. Sometimes when I'm around him I feel so nervous I'm paralysed to say anything in case the first thing that blurts out of my mouth is: you'reamazingiwanttohaveyourbabies. So I think I can come across as aloof because I don't open up at all.

Anyway, I get the feeling his interest is waning. I can't put my finger on it but I don't think I'm being paranoid. Would love to be proven wrong but I've been round the block and got the t-shirt too many times now.

I'd feel safer opening up to him if he would open up to me, but he's a bit of a closed book too. Perhaps for that reason it can never work?

I just feel so sad that I might lose him, that I'll be back to square one, that my suspicion that I'm not loveable has been vindicated...

I've tried so hard to be a great girlfriend - always make an effort to look good, always reciprocate his generosities in kind, take turns paying for stuff, tidy his flat as a favour when DCs are getting on top of him, try not to be too demanding of declarations of intent, always remember to ask him about important stuff going on in his life, etc. But I'm exhausted! I'm like, 'when is he going to crack and fall in love with me?!'. I've been soooo perfect and I can't do it any more. I feel like giving up.

I know I could just tell him how I feel but I don't want to be that scary desperate girlfriend.

Oh fuck, I'm so confused and feel like shit. I don't even know if I'm making sense any more.

I was similar to you at 31, good job, own home, travelled etc. I had been married and divorced by then and had more than one long term relationship under my belt. Had plenty of boyfriends but never anything serious.

I ended up with an unplanned pregnancy and have been a single mum ever since. Had a couple of men ask me to marry them but I like it just the two of us, and unless I meet someone that I fall totally in love with I imagine being alone for ever and it does make me feel sad. I really would like to fall in love and stay in love before I die.

I do wonder if it is the be all and end all or if my life has and will be as happy and fulfilled if it never happens.

Nogood, but do you love this man, does he you? Doesn't sound like it and you cannot fake it.

Really don't know why I'm posting here, I'm nogoodathis either. I think I've been hurt so much in the past, ex bf, ex dh and ex dad to my DD that I will never fall in love again and just go through the motions with men. Still doing it now but I don't need a guy to be a dad to my child so it's Ok for me to do this. However, if you really want a child then it's different. Am glad that I fell pregnant with DD otherwise I fear I would have waited for ever and be childless now.

You sound like you have so much going for you. Go with your heart and don't do any tickbox exercises when meeting men. The most eligible ones are not always the ones you want long term. Good luck.

Try letting the mask slip and being imperfect.

Maybe he's holding back because you're holding back?

If he's such a closed book what do you love about him, do you laugh together, couple of glasses of wine and a good natter etc.

adamschic i do feel like I am falling in love with him, yes. But I can't go any further until I know how he feels about me because all my barriers are up right now in case he doesn't love me.

zikes, maybe you're right. I'm just such a coward.

if you both have barriers up, then its not going to go anywhere.. let him see you without your make up, let him see the real you..

foxy yes we do laugh together, it's very fun and I feel very safe with him. It's just that when we're lying in bed and things are fantastic and my head's on his chest and he's stroking my arm, that feels like a normal time when someone might tell someone they love him, but we never talk about feelings.

I can deal with the idea that maybe he just doesn't love me. I'd rather know, than try and flog a dead horse. I just know it will make me feel like shit and I'm dreading finding out.

I'm making absolutely no sense now. Must sleep.

Thanks so much for hand holding and indulging my pity party.

I don't think this is about marriage or kids.

Say you had both, your dream come true - do you know what will happen? You start thinking oh god, does he still fancy me post-childbirth? Why didn't I have the perfect wedding / birth / perfect baby / why won't my baby sleep / smile / speak Mandarin? If only I had the perfect body / could get baby to sleep through / speak Mandarin, then I would be happy...

And on and on.

You need to sort out your self esteem issues. You need to understand and know that there is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with you, here and now, as you are. You are fine. You just as worthy and valuable as anyone else.

I can assert this confidently as I am in my thirties and one of those people who has Been Through A Lot and is Terribly Brave and Strong but doesn't feel it and I have just stopped giving myself a very hard time for not earning mega bucks during a recession while having a total breakdown

Ahhh nogood, sorry you are feeling like this. do you ever think that you might need to tryyy to take a deep breath and enjoy what you have now? You have a (presumably very nice) man who you are in a relationship with, who makes you feel safe. It sounds like you are both quite buttoned up and one of you needs to unbutton so to speak.

Can I ask how you managed to get into a relationship without either of you articulating your feelings?

Also re: being the perfect girlfriend. Any time I have done this it's usually a sign that all is not well. You are trying too hard to keep him, it's not a competition or a race you have to win. You are together by mutual consent, please remember that it's up to him to prove to you on a day to day basis that he's worth your time, not just the other way round. Think more about what he does for you. It's not good for anyone to have everything done for them without them making any equivalent effort.

OP - you have a whopping great hole in you where your self-love should be. You are hoping taht someone else will fill that hole up for you - but they can't. You need to find your self-love first, because otherwise your negativity about yourself seeps out and colours everything eventually - people feel it, even if they don't realise that they do - and they will start to feel the negativity too.

You are intelligent, you have courage and lots of ability - find a course that suits you and learn how to love yourself. When you can do that, other people will also feel the love and start to love you too.

You will also, once you love yourself for who you really are stop needing external validation for your level of worth. Which means that when someone realises how special you are, and you them, you won't give a flying fuck whether they get the Koh-i-noor diamond for you, or a tiny chip, because it will be from them for you and you alone - and that will be all that matters.

Do a course! Do it soon, so you can re-start your life as a confident, self-loving, brilliant woman who is worthy of love!

What they said ^

Nogoodatthis,

You realise that your problems stem from your dysfunctional childhood. That is the root cause of all your anxieties and fears now; you don't feel that you should be loved because you weren't loved as a child. Your parents failed you abjectly.

You need to unlearn the damaging relationships patterns you were taught as a child otherwise you will go on to repeat the same old relationship mistakes as before (which is exactly what has happened).

BACP have a list of counsellors that won't cost you the earth and you may find that to be of great benefit. You need to fix you, you cannot hope for other people to fix you because they cannot. They cannot act as your rescuer or saviour; acting like that in a relationship simply does not work.

Love your own self for a change.

I'm with Attila 100% here.

Others can only love you as much as you love yourself. How could they do otherwise? They cannot do for you what you cannot do for yourself; they cannot save you; nor can they change you.

Change yourself, and then see what happens. BACP is an excellent place to start.