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Relationships

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Original poster

new man sees very little of his child - red flag?

48 replies

HoneyBianchi · 26/02/2011 21:23

I've just started dating a guy who seems really nice but one thing is bugging me. He's recently divorced and has a daughter of 13. He sees her one evening a week and she leaves him at 8pm to go back home to her mother. I asked him why he sees her so little and he said they'd never really got on, she'd always been her mother's daughter and they weren't close.

Just find it a bit weird that he's happy with so little and wondering if it's a red flag.

OP posts:

BooBooGlass · 26/02/2011 21:24

Definately imo

rainbowinthesky · 26/02/2011 21:24

It would be a red flag for me.

FakePlasticTrees · 26/02/2011 21:25

Red flag.

If they aren't close and never got on, that's his failure, not the child's.

hester · 26/02/2011 21:27

I think your instincts are right on this one.

gaelicsheep · 26/02/2011 21:28

Before I read the OP I was all set to say no, probably not his fault, only a fed flag for a nightmare ex.

But on reading the OP - yes, red flag. Steer clear. Or perhaps stick around, if you like him, and find out more. Ther might be more to it that he's not ready to share just yet. But then tat would be back to nightmare ex scenario which is also very bad.

kangers · 26/02/2011 21:29

depends on his age. I think regular contact like that is quite good. He does have a relationship with her, there are many who are worse. You would need to see nature of their relationship, and find out about holidays etc before simply writing him off- any other clues?

Original poster

HoneyBianchi · 26/02/2011 21:37

Agree FTP, can't hold a child repsonsible IMO. Kangers, he's 52. He said earlier that DD knows he's at the end of the phone if she needs him Sounds like a cop out to me.

OP posts:

Janos · 26/02/2011 21:53

Yes, that is very worrying. Is there anything else about him which gives you concern?

MogadoredMemoo · 26/02/2011 21:56

Definitely a red flag. My dh and I have his dd's 3 or 4 nights a week and even then he misses them.

gaelicsheep · 26/02/2011 22:02

I dunno OP, I've thought about this some more and gone back to my initial reaction. If this is like my DH's situation used to be, then it will be the mother insisting the daughter is back home by that time. In fact in our case it was 5pm - on a weekend.

He maybe isn't ready to go into it all yet. I would stick with him tbh. He sees his daughter once a week - as kangers said that's way more than many men.

gaelicsheep · 26/02/2011 22:04

Don't forget there is also such a thing as parental alienation - one parent turning a child against the other.

Original poster

HoneyBianchi · 26/02/2011 22:09

No, it's the only thing so far Janos. But he's moreorless saying that he doesn't care whether he sees his child or not. It's not as if he's tearing his hair out. Couldn't be more different than the relationship my DD has with her dad - close and wonderful.

OP posts:

perfectstorm · 26/02/2011 22:18

Massive red flag. The mother isn't blocking contact - he's not bothering. Speaks volumes. If you have kids, he is not likely to see it as his responsibility to be the adult here, is he.

gaelicsheep · 26/02/2011 22:19

I wish I hadn't said what I said at first now.

Honey, it could be a defence mechanism. Beware of prejudging this.

kangers · 26/02/2011 22:20

I think he's made his bed then. At 52 he should know better- 39 when had kid, mature enough to smell coffee.
Sounds to me like you have made your mind up. He is not the worst, but he could be a lot better- probably don't want him around your DD with his poor attitude to dc. Good luck HoneyBianchi.

gaelicsheep · 26/02/2011 22:22

How do you know the mother isn't blocking contact, or making it awkward for her daughter? Why do people always assume the man is in the wrong? Perhaps this man doesn't want to be seen to slagging off his ex so soon in your relationship?

I'm not saying it isn't a red flag. But don't be hasty and judge in the absence of facts, especially if you have no other concerns about him.

gaelicsheep · 26/02/2011 22:23

Who'd be a man

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/02/2011 22:23

Red flag re his daughter. If they are not close then that is his fault and not the child's.

Also how recently divorced is he?. He may not be actually ready to embark on another relationship though he thinks he is so I would be wary too.

gaelicsheep · 26/02/2011 22:26

If they're not close then why would his daughtr be coming around every week? I think there is more to this. But then tbh if the OP liked this man she would be thinking of this stuff herself.

kangers · 26/02/2011 22:28

As gaelicsheep says there could be other explanations, but its the fact he seems to Honey to be unconcerned about the lack of contact that seems so telling. Maybe one more date and raise concerns,give him a chance- esp. as there seem to be no other concerns.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 26/02/2011 22:33

gaelic - I agree, there are two sides to the story, but surely his distress would show if he did want to see his DD more but was being prevented?

UnAgentSecrete · 26/02/2011 22:36

Red flag. Because he says they've never really got on and doesn't understand that that was/is his responsibility. As FPT says, this is his failure. And your gut instinct Honey to be worried that this just doesn't seem to bother him - I think it's a good reason to worry, honestly.

gaelicsheep · 26/02/2011 22:48

Perhaps he is feeling a little bitter if his DD had the choice to stay with him but chose to stay with her mum instead? I don't think saying she knows he's at the end of the phone is saying he doesn't care.

Anyhow the OP does seem to be picking up on vibes which aren't conveyed in the things that are actually being said.

perfectstorm · 26/02/2011 22:56

"How do you know the mother isn't blocking contact, or making it awkward for her daughter? Why do people always assume the man is in the wrong? Perhaps this man doesn't want to be seen to slagging off his ex so soon in your relationship?"

Because the daughter comes round every sodding week.

As someone currently supporting a beloved friend through the legal system, while the mother uses every imaginable (and several no normal person would dream of) trick in the book to block contact, I'm well aware that that is far, far too common. But a 13 year old coming over every single week for a bare couple of hours is indicative of a mother exerting unfair control? Are you sodding kidding me? A mother who had that mindset would be able to kill that cursory an arrangement stone dead via manipulation and guilt-tripping of the kid, and you have to know it.

"Who'd be a man "

Oh, I know. You have such a terrible time of it compared to women. Worse paid, the victims of most DV murders, owners of hardly any property compared to women... oh wait.

I am irritated to read sexist claptrap from either direction. I say that as a woman who's a paid up member of a shared parenting organisation, because family law in this country is grossly loaded towards the primary carer, and that's usually a woman. But deadbeat fathers are as bad as blocking mothers. Both exist far too often.

gaelicsheep · 26/02/2011 23:07

I am merely raising possibilities. Nobody can know the situation from what's been said on the thread. And yet everone, even me at first, is jumping to conclusions about this man based on prejudice.

FWIW the more I think about this, the more I think it could easily be because the daughter has chosen - for whatever reason - to live with her mother. I have seen exactly the same kind of defence mechanism in operation with my DH, who loves his DCs dearly but ofetn takes a back seat because it is just too painful for him.

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