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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

new man sees very little of his child - red flag?

48 replies

HoneyBianchi · 26/02/2011 21:23

I've just started dating a guy who seems really nice but one thing is bugging me. He's recently divorced and has a daughter of 13. He sees her one evening a week and she leaves him at 8pm to go back home to her mother. I asked him why he sees her so little and he said they'd never really got on, she'd always been her mother's daughter and they weren't close.

Just find it a bit weird that he's happy with so little and wondering if it's a red flag.

OP posts:
Professor · 26/02/2011 23:13

Children don't choose to live with their mothers. They just DO because that is seen as the norm. Children do not choose who they live with.

If he has very little contact with DD, how can that NOT worry you?

Professor · 26/02/2011 23:14

And what exactly does 'take a back seat' mean? What, he leaves you to sort out all the day to day shit whist he gets on with enjoying life?

BelleBelicious · 26/02/2011 23:23

Honey - it's bugging you. There is a reason for that. The way he treats/responds to his daughter (his only child???) is unloving/uncaring.

You don't need us to tell you that's a big fucking fat red flag, do you?

Imagine you got divorced and you only got to see your son once a week, for a couple of hours? And you weren't bothered.

No. Not right. He's not right. Ignore the 'poor men' pathetic attemps at apologists. Lots of men fight to see their kids - lots of men go through hell to see their kids. He doesn't give a shit. What do you make of that?

gaelicsheep · 26/02/2011 23:24

I shall not credit such a stupid question with an answer.

HoneyBianchi · 26/02/2011 23:49

Some valid points here, thank you. Of course this early on I simply don't have enough to go on but a couple of posters have pointed out that it's his apparent lack of concern about seeing her so little that's the issue.

If his ex is blocking contact why isn't he saying so? So I assume he is telling the truth; and that is that he and his daughter don't get on and he's happy with the arrangement. He did in fact say that their relationship was better now that he'd left (he instigated the divorce) - if you can call seeing your child for a couple of hours a week a relationship.

OP posts:
gaelicsheep · 26/02/2011 23:52

Well now that sounds diferent. I am merely going by the things you have posted so far. You know him, you've talked about it with him, so only you can say what's going on.

gaelicsheep · 26/02/2011 23:54

I am guessing then that he does not appear or sound concerned? That is very different from simply assuming he isn't concerned because he said she knows she can phone him.

squeakytoy · 27/02/2011 01:09

He is only recently divorced. This girl is not a small child, and at 13 will probably want to spend time with her friends rather than her Dad.

It doesnt mean he doesnt love her, or care about her.

Not all men are really close with their children.

I wouldnt write him off because of a situation that you dont know the whole story of just yet.

BitOfFun · 27/02/2011 01:17

I don't really like the sound of him, tbh.

Anabellesmumanddad · 27/02/2011 02:50

I would like to add that when I was 13 I was more interested in my friends than my dad, but definitely appreciated regular time with him. He was a traditional sort and worked super hard and I felt alienated, but now we are really close.

Question is, if the daughter is fine with it and the dad is fine with it, then where is the problem?

chickchickchicken · 27/02/2011 03:19

i would be most concerned by

ok at 13 she may want to spend lots of time with her friends but when he says that they never really got on that failing has to be his responsibility. i cant remember ever hearing anyone say they have never really got on with their child

heard lots of people say it in present tense particulary with regard to teens (me included!) but never that they have never got on.

givemesomespace · 27/02/2011 08:15

perfectstorm you've assumed gaelicsheep is a man because she's dared to stand up for a man. I'm pretty sure gaelicsheep is a woman. You're prejudging gaelic sheep and you're prejudging the OP's man.

OP, trust you're instincts - they'll be right 99.9% of the time

mrsravelstein · 27/02/2011 08:18

it doesn't sound bizarre to me. exh sees ds1 for one day every fortnight. suits everybody, has always been the arrangement since ds1 was 2.

gaelicsheep · 27/02/2011 09:01

Ha ha Grin. I didn't spot that one. PMSL. Grin

That just sums up a lot of women here on MN.

gaelicsheep · 27/02/2011 09:02

Perfectstorm - do a search on my name. I must be a marvel of nature given that I was breastfeeding an 8 month old baby when I was posting on here last night. Grin

2rebecca · 27/02/2011 09:08

I agree that seeing a teenager once a week for a short period isn't necessarily cause for concern, but "we've never got on" is.
My husband sees his teenage daughter less than once a week as she has a social life and homework and he is a long way down her list of priorities, she's also been poisoned against him to an extent by her mum. I know in the early days he tried for more contact but her mum made it difficult and his daughter never liked to go against her mum or see her mum upset. They were very close when she was younger though and still get on well when they see each other.

LessNarkyPuffin · 27/02/2011 09:09

The seeing her once a week wouldn't necessarily make me run screaming - I would have been quite happy with that as a 13 year old and I have a lovely father. The 'she'd always been her mother's daughter' comment would worry me.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 27/02/2011 09:12

Honey - if they have not long separated there may be all kinds of things going on. It's a bit of defence mechanism to say to someone (you don't know very well yet) that you are fine with how things are and you never really got on anyway - maybe he's really hurting but isn't ready to let you into that part of him yet - or else maybe he's a twat. You are the one who can read his body language?! Maybe just keep seeing him and see what happens - leave your DD well out of it for a good while :)

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 27/02/2011 09:13

Gaelic Grin

perfectstorm · 27/02/2011 18:49

"perfectstorm you've assumed gaelicsheep is a man because she's dared to stand up for a man. I'm pretty sure gaelicsheep is a woman. You're prejudging gaelic sheep and you're prejudging the OP's man."

No, it was the "who'd be a man!" comment. (Standing up for A man, singular, wouldn't annoy me.) If a woman said it, IMO that's even dafter. DH wanted our child to be a boy because he says men have easier lives, on the whole. Stats tend to bear that out - though not, as I said, in family law as a rule.

Gaelic if YOU do a search you'll see I've posted on a thread about "do women ever lie about DV?" saying yes, of course some do, as they secure legal advantage by it, and while there's no way to stop that given you have to protect genuine victims, you can't assume every woman claiming it has her children's best interests at heart. I am well aware some human beings are vile, and gender doesn't alter that basic fact. It does not mean all men are poor, piteous creatures bullied and abused by women - the facts tend to bear the other way, on average, but averages don't apply to individuals.

Interesting that some women leap on any objections to a blanket sympathy for all men as in some way "typical" for Mumsnet. I would hope for better for women, from other women, so yes, I assumed such sexist rubbish came from a man - just as I tend to assume the vitriolic anti-men posts are from women. My bad. Hmm

gaelicsheep · 27/02/2011 18:50

Nice to meet a fellow bloke. Wink

gaelicsheep · 27/02/2011 18:59

Oh perfectstorm, get over yourself there's a love. You and most others on here are leaping to conclusions based on your own personal prejudices. Good thing you aren't lawyers or engaged in any other field where you need to look at cold hard facts and not prejudge the outcome.

aurynne · 27/02/2011 19:27

I struggle to understand how someone could just "not get along" with his own child. Can you imagine a mother saying this as an excuse not to see her daughter?

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