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Original poster

Am I unreasonable to ask partner to pay towards a babysitter?

36 replies

SueTheSwan · 26/02/2011 11:02

I think I've lost the plot. I separated last year and have a new partner who all but lives with me. Sometimes - ie today - we go out for a meal with friends. For the first time today I asked if he might contribute to the cost of the babysitter. He said resolutely NO. The children are not his responsibility he says.. I agree in and obviously when I work childcare costs are fully my responsibility. But - if we are to go out at weekends, would it not be reasonable to expect him to contribute?

If I'm being mean and asking too much of him - please say. Just keen to know what others think. We've been together now for about 6 months and although he still has his own place he hasn't spent a night there for the past three months.

OP posts:
RealityIsKnockedUp · 26/02/2011 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bafanatheSober · 26/02/2011 11:05

Yep, that would sound HUGE alarm bells, having been there!
How is he contributing towards other bills at the moment, gas, electric etc, food?

BertieBotts · 26/02/2011 11:07

He's been pretty much moved in since 3 months into the relationship? That sounds a bit fast. And yet he doesn't want to take responsibility in this way? Seems like double standards. The relationship is serious when it suits him and casual when it doesn't.

Unless there are any other factors leading to this?

You need to be careful with him spending so much time at yours by the way if you're in receipt of any benefits.

Anniegetyourgun · 26/02/2011 11:07

There's a useful phrase in situations like this. The basic version contains just two words, the second of which is "off", but it can be varied or extended to suit the precise circumstances. In this case the version I recommend is "fuck off, you tight bastard".

There must be a man out there who doesn't believe that's what's yours is both of yours but what's his is his own.

ENormaSnob · 26/02/2011 11:10

I wouldn't contribute towards the costs of someones kids after 6 months tbh.

Does their father pay towards them?

yama · 26/02/2011 11:10

I wouldn't accept this attitude or behaviour.

atswimtwolengths · 26/02/2011 11:11

Does he fully contribute to the rent, electricity, gas and food bills at your house?

He's shown you exactly what he thinks of his relationship with your children. Do you need to carry on with him and watch him as he ignores them when they're upset?

atswimtwolengths · 26/02/2011 11:11

ENorma, he has been living off her financially for months, hasn't he?

yama · 26/02/2011 11:12

ENorma - it is not contributing to her kids. It is contributing to a night out.

bafanatheSober · 26/02/2011 11:13

Enorma, but he has practically moved in, surely then he takes all costs as being joint?

WeeBitWobbly · 26/02/2011 11:15

I tend to agree that work childcare is yours and weekend should be negotiated, if you can't afford it?
Is money tight that paying for babysitting makes it hard to pay for lunch?
How do you normally pay when you go out?
Does he buy groceries every now and then?
I would resent paying for others childcare I think but I would hope that I was sharing/helping with other costs involved with my sharing a place (unofficially) with someone.
Is money tight for him?

Plumm · 26/02/2011 11:16

Start charging him for any electricity and water he uses, food he eats, etc.

ENormaSnob · 26/02/2011 11:19

They have been together 6 months.

She only seperated last year.

Too much, too soon IMO

when I met dh I wouldn't have dreamt of asking him to contribute towards ds1 after a few months. And in all honesty, I would run a mile if someone expected this from me.

ENormaSnob · 26/02/2011 11:23

Sorry I meant to add...

It's different if they officially live together with shared costs, pooled money etc

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 26/02/2011 11:24

Present him with a bill for the food* he's been eating, the gas, water and electricity he's been using. Oh and a bit for rent wouldn't go amiss either.

*Delete the food if he's contributed towards that as in food that is bought and eaten in, meals out do not count.

Sunflower38 · 26/02/2011 12:06

he sounds like a tight@rse and a user to me.

dignified · 26/02/2011 12:51

Im not sure about paying for a babysitter considering he doesnt officially live there , but if hes been there for 3 months what exactly is he contributing ?

angrygingermidget · 26/02/2011 12:52

He is a tosser. You are both going on a night out and the babysitter cost is part of the cost of the night out. But I do think too much too soon.

mayorquimby · 26/02/2011 12:53

"ENorma, he has been living off her financially for months, hasn't he?"

HAs he?where does it say that?

squeakytoy · 26/02/2011 12:54

Is the op actually going to answer ANY of the posts seeing as she has posted this in AIBU as wel...

BestNameEver · 26/02/2011 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grabaspoon · 26/02/2011 13:29

Agree with Best - If she wasn't living with him would she expect her boyfriend of 6 months to pay for a babysitter so that she can go on a date?

AIBU That my boyfriend of 6 months won't pay for childcare for mine and my exes children so that we can go on a date? Hmm

The children are your responsibility until you decide that you are a family and surely after only 6 months together you can't possibly think that you are?

Pancakeflipper · 26/02/2011 13:41

OP - See my response in the other thread you started on this. It really does depend on his contributions money or otherwise to the relationship.

ENormaSnob · 26/02/2011 14:21

Thank god for some sanity.

macdoodle · 26/02/2011 14:44

My ex DP, who was lovely used to pay for just about everything when he stayed here. Food, going out, babysitters, etc, and he always used to leave me some money (for electricity, etc). He used to work away and his own house is miles away so he used to stay a week or so every month.
Not because I asked or expected, but because he knew money, was tight, wanted to help, and saw me and my DD's as a package.
Up to you what you will accept.

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