Am I unreasonable to ask partner to pay towards a babysitter?

[SueTheSwan]

I think I've lost the plot. I separated last year and have a new partner who all but lives with me. Sometimes - ie today - we go out for a meal with friends. For the first time today I asked if he might contribute to the cost of the babysitter. He said resolutely NO. The children are not his responsibility he says.. I agree in and obviously when I work childcare costs are fully my responsibility. But - if we are to go out at weekends, would it not be reasonable to expect him to contribute?

If I'm being mean and asking too much of him - please say. Just keen to know what others think. We've been together now for about 6 months and although he still has his own place he hasn't spent a night there for the past three months.

I have been with my bf 6 months and I wouldn't ask him to contribute towards a babysitter. If I couldn't afford one I wouldn't go out.
If he asked me to pay towards babysitter for his kids I would probably say the same as your DP to be honest.
Also, although he spends a LOT of time at my house, I don't expect him to pay anything towards my bills. Its MY house, and I like the independence that paying for it myself brings.

Having said that, ginnny, it's not fair that only one person in a relationship gets electricity and gas bills, is it?

no but seeing as there's nothing to indicate that this is the case it can't be taken as a given that only one person is paying those bills. It may well be the case it may not, so can't take it as given either way.

Presuming the dp also pays gas and electric and other bills at his house. Is he aware you seem to consider him residing with you? Have you informed tax credits, council tax etc?

I'm sorry op but after 6 months this is a boyfriend not a partner. I find it farcical to move someone in so quickly let alone start asking them to pay towards childcare.

Where is the dcs father? Why can't he have them or contribute to the babysitter if you are going out?

I think it is a bit much for you to expect for your boyfriend to pay for babysitters.

If I were him I would be running a mile. So I am afraid OP that I agree with your boyfriend.

If he was just your boyfriend and you were just dating, then I feel he would have no financial responsibility towards your children.

But if he has practically moved in, then he's not just dating you, he has joined your family. (the whole fools rush in where angels fear to tread thing is another thread ) Whether it is wise or not - he IS living with you. That is more than a boyfriend you are dating.

He's either your boyfriend and he goes back to his own bloody place and you just go on dates, or he is your 'partner' and you are a family and your children are part of that.

you need to know very clearly how he feels about 'taking on' another man's child and you need to know why he has - to all intents and purposes - moved in if he does not want to be part of a family.

he may feel that your children should never get a penny from him or help or support etc, because they're your problem responsibility. In which case, he has no business being involved with a woman who has children. Or he may feel that he would only have any responsibility if you and he married and he was their Step-father.

If you live with someone who has children, then you have a responsibility to those children. It is a 'package', and if you can't or won't do that, then you shouldn't be in that relationship.

OP - you need to find out how he feels about your children. If he sees himself being a step-father to them, what he thinks his responsibility is, if anything, while he is living with you.

I really think you should step back and take a good long look at this relationship.

He may even resent your children. It happens. If that's the case, do you want to be with him?

In my case he has his own house and pays his own bills. I stay at his at weekends, he is with me most of the week. I wouldn't ask him for a penny, but when we go out he usually pays for stuff and he will often buy us all a takeaway. I just wouldn't ask him to pay for a babysitter, even if we lived together. I see my kids as my responsibility.

Maybe I'm just a bit wierd though

I think this is one of those threads where the real questions lie behind what is actually being asked. Hecate is completely right - if this man is part of your family, or is on his way to becoming part of your family, then that carries with it responsibilities.

Also - there is a deeper question, which is simply about kindness. If I asked my boyfriend for money for anything, he would happily give it to me, because he loves me and we share everything. That would have been the case before we moved in together as well.

If you need the money and the two of you are in a committed relationship, it seems worrying that he will make a stand of refusing it.

But as I said, I think the question in the OP doesn't quite reveal what you need to be asking. If you have other worries about this mans lack of commitment for example.

Good point waterrat, I didn't think of it from that angle.
Maybe its the way the OP asked? If I asked my bf for money he would give it to me if he had it, but if I told him he should pay for something, that's different.
You are right - there is more to this than just babysitting money.
OP - hope you sort things out.

I think it's completely wrong to ask him to pay for a sitter! Amazed at the people that think it's ok. They're your kids at the end of the day.

Step-parents.

They are not biologically related.

Do you think that they should make no contribution?

Because I think a family unit is more than genes. And making a family unit - blending it is often called - means taking on the children. Do you not think so?

The question is whether this man is part of the family unit.

Since he is living there, I would say he is.