Feeling a bit desperate

[OberonTheFool]

Hi

Not sure if this is the right place for this, but here goes. I was supposed to have an appointment with the local DV worker today, I see her about once a month, but unfortunately she's had to postpone as she's off sick. It probably sounds a bit pathetic but I really rely on these sessions with her and I'd been really waiting for this one to talk through a number of things. A couple of friends know but I don't think they're really equipped to discuss the details and I'm not one for talking on the phone in any case.

There are a number of things locally (drop in centre, support groups etc.) but they're for women only. I know it's a bit of a long shot but if anyone knows of any DV resources in or around Nottingham that will talk to men perhaps they could post the details? I've tried the mens support line but can't get through and they close at five (I think they must be pretty slammed because they only answer about 50% of calls per month).

I don't like to ask, but I've only recently moved here to get away from exP and I'm feeling lonely, isolated and a bit desperate to be honest. I'd taken the day off work to make the meeting so I'm on my own, and that probably doesn't help much!

Thanks in advance

Not sure how much practical help I can be, but am here and listening if you want to vent on here.

Sorry to hear that, Oberon.

It probably sounds a bit pathetic

No, it doesn't.

A quick Google brought up the NDVF but the helpline is only open Monday-Weds and closes at 5pm anyway (which you probably know already). We live near Nottingham, but I don't know of any other resources that might help you.

Thank you, maybe writing it out will help :)

I just have a lot of complicated feelings and need to discuss them from time to time. The support worker I see is very good at helping me understand them and put them in perspective. There is also a drop-in but I don't think I'm allowed to use it.

I was with exP for thirteen and half years, but to be honest it was only really bad for last twelve, a lot of it alcohol-fuelled I think, though not always. She says she's in recovery now. Last year I spent a couple of months at my parents' helping to look after my dad, and when he died I made a decision not to go back, though it had been on my mind to leave for some time. I'm saving up for professional therapy, but as I'm now paying rent and bills in Nottingham and the mortgage and bills on our place in London (where exP lives) it's a bit of difficult. I'm on my own most of the time and I'm finding it difficult to shake the feelings of worthlessness I have. I don't really have much self confidence left and I do wonder if this is how it will be from now on?

P.S. Sorry for slow responses and any typos, my fingers are cold as I keep popping out to smoke (don't like to do this inside and it helps me cut down).

No, it won't be like this from now on.

It will be like this for now, for a little while, but not forever.

What you're feeling is perfectly normal after so many years of emotional turmoil and trauma. Remember that you are not only grieving for your relationship but also for your father. Grief takes time, it's not something you can hurry along, you have to just sit it out and let it do whatever it needs to do until you come out the other side of it. In my experience it took me a year after the loss of my mum to feel 'functioning normal' and a further year to feel back to my old self.

Be kind to yourself. Don't say thing's like 'I know it's pathetic', it's not, it's normal and perfectly reasonable for you to be feeling like this.

What about phoning the Samaritans if you need to talk to someone? They may not be able to give you what you need in terms of advice, but they will lend an ear - which sometimes makes a big difference.

Just got off the phone with Samaritans. The lady I spoke to was really nice and happy to listen though I'm not sure she really appreciated what I'm feeling but she really seemed to do her best. I get the impression they don't get many calls like mine, but I don't know, it's just a guess. She suggested I go to the cinema to take my mind off things. Not sure I feel comfortable going on my own but will definitely think abut it.

That sounds like a great idea. Honestly, noone will notice that you're on your own at the cinema, and you can lose yourself in the film for a couple of hours without thinking about anything. Treat yourself!!

Good you could talk to someone.

A good friend of mine suffered horrible DV for many years at the hands of his alcoholic ex-wife. He developed breast cancer in his late 20s due to constant blows to the chest and all the stress.

He's been out of it for many years now and is a happy, content man with a lovely, loving and caring partner (who happens to be an ex of mine - small world etc).

Which is to say: you will get through it and you will one day find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

Thanks everyone! I just had a look and think I'll go and see Never Let Me Go. It's on in town tonight. A film does sound more and more appealing. I used to love going to the cinema :)

I'm not optimistic about meeting someone else right now but I suppose you never know. Don't really have any confidence and worried that a prospective partner would run a mile when I shared what's happened. A friend did exactly recently, which is why I'm scared to tell people. Maybe just early days, but I do seem to have picked up a lot of trust issues that have become apparent since I left exP.

Enjoy the film!

Not surprising that you're not ready to meet anyone else right now. It'll take a while before you can trust a woman not to physically hurt you.

Don't worry about meeting anyone else right now. When you're ready, it'll happen.

Going to the cinema on my own is one of my biggest guilty pleasures. Have fun!

DV is terrible whichever gender you are. Don't feel guilty because you're a man. Take life one step at a time, don't rush into meeting someone else yet, it can take a lot of time before you can trust someone else again. Get back to your self-esteem and liking yourself again first.

It seems a bit silly, especially at my age, but I feel like I'm just starting to find out who I am again. So much of my time and attention for the past dozen or so years has been focused on someone else. I re-discovering things I haven't thought about or done for years.

A part of that actually sounds really exciting too, rediscovering yourself.

Don't rule out ringing samaritans again. She gave you the film tip! My dad is a samaritan and although I don't know any details from him, I've always had the impression that he has heard most things during his times on the phones.

Alas, got to the cinema and the performance was sold out. Probably should have tried to see something else but the other films didn't look appealing and I wasn't thinking clearly. Will phone ahead next time!

Still struggling, called Samaritans again this morning. They're really good at listening but I could really do with talking to someone who understands what I'm feeling. Hopefully the support worker will be back soon and I can make another appointment. The mens advice line opens again on Monday also and they've been great in the past. It's funny but I used to dread the weekends because I didn't know what I was in for. Now I dread them because I'm alone with thoughts I can't seem to get rid of.

Have you considered that you might be in the habit of dreading the weekends? It doesn't mean you're failing in any way, it's just a matter of enough non-dramatic weekends until your emotions catch up.

The end of my marriage coincided with my father's death, too - not as clearly as yours, but I see now that the events were connected. It is double grief. Moreover, your entire internal landscape has altered. You had a father and a demanding partner. No you are single and fatherless. These are momentous changes; you described the feeling very well. It is part of life and you will adjust to the new circumstances. It takes time: at least a year for the parental death alone to sink in and, as mw said, a further year to readjust. Have patience with yourself.

I know what you mean about discovering who you are! It is a very good idea to revisit old interests, and to experiment with new ones. After about three weeks at the very bottom of my grief, I remembered how much I enjoy drive-through car washes (I know! ) I took my car for a full-on wash & polish, sat in there laughing like a child, and drove out with a clean car and a little bit of self-recognition restored! Going to the cinema on your own is perfectly acceptable. So are going to the theatre, gigs, gym/swimming, classes and joining groups (I volunteered for the canal cleanup scheme).

Don't push yourself. Do be open to recovery, though :)

Give yourself time, it does take a while to rediscover your confidence and the person you used to be. DV is a long process of erosion and recovering from it takes a long time. Utilise any help you can get, phone the Samaritans when you feel you need to, they are invaluable. Additionally, don't expect too much from yourself too soon.
Enjoy moving on, this is the beginning of your new life One day you'll look back and wonder how you ever lived like that.

You're right, I think it's probably going to be a long process and I need to be better at coming to terms with that. When I left I was numb for a bit, though I'd just lost my dad, and then I felt relieved about it. It still seems like a new experience not to live in fear or with constant uncertainty and to be able to live as I wish. Except that now I have an uncertainty of a different kind. I really wasn't prepared for this intense loneliness and I'm not coping with it at all well. I know I need to give it time, it's just so very hard sometimes. ExP keeps telling me she's changed and wants me back and though it goes against everything I feel would be right for me, and I haven't loved her for some time, I can't say I'm not sometimes tempted.

I'm certainly open to recovery, in fact pretty desperate for it, and I do things I can to try and get out. I joined the local book group that meets once a month and an online social group a couple of months ago and go out with them two or three times a month. The people in the groups are lovely, but for now at least they're just acquaintances and it is likely to take a long time for me to make real friends.

Even then I'm not sure I can really relate what's happened in my life. Who would really understand what it's like to walk around shopping centres after work or drive from cafe to cafe because you can't face going home (and then maybe be punished for being late), to be routinely punched, kicked, pinned up and hit with a shoe, have things thrown at you. To have her be sick (because drunk) and rub your face in it if you wouldn't clean it up. To be threatened with a knife, sometimes held to your throat, and gouged with a corkscrew. To be sexually assaulted by someone you should be able to trust. To be criticised and belittled, have the person who's supposed to care most about you wish you dead and compare you all the time to men she's known who are better looking and better in bed. To not be able to see your friends and then lose the friendships. And then spend the rest of the time trying to look after her and get her out of the trouble she'd got into through being drunk. She was always incredibly apologetic the day after, but then often just come home drunk again and it just didn't stop. I don't feel like I was ever her partner so much as a combination of parent and punchbag.

I never told anyone until after I left, except for calling the police once (they were useless and wouldn't come out). I've since told three people and two of them have been really supportive, but the third didn't really offer much support and she has since cut off contact with me. There were probably a number of reasons for this but I'm sure I must have put too much pressure on the friendship and can't risk doing so again with the other two who know or anyone else. That's really why I'm posting on here, it anonymous and feels safe. I have looked hard for help but haven't found much for people like me and I feel like a freak. How could I have let this continue for so long? I really don't feel like a normal man at all. This is all why when my appointment was cancelled yesterday it felt like I had the rug pulled from under me. I only get to see the support worker for about an hour a month, but she's so understanding and supportive that I really rely on those sessions. I feel a bit at sea without them. She's also given me some excellent practical advice. I'd love to be able to talk over these things with people who've been through similar experiences, but have so far been unable to find such a group that I can access.

I know this looks like some kind of rant, and I'm sorry. I realise that there will be people here who've had things much worse and I may come across as a bit whingey (is that a word?), but it does feel good to just get some of it out and thank you all so much for taking the time to read my posts and for your kind words and advice. I really have found it invaluable and it's helped.

Grace, I can't say I've ever had a thing about car washes but good for you!. I've never really grown out of getting a thrill from going up and down in glass-sided lifts, or pushing a supermarket trolley and jumping on the back. I promise I only do this when the supermarket's quiet though :)

Your post looks neither like you are whinging or like a rant.

Would second the others who say me keep talking to samaritans and discovering what you like. Don 't get tempted by your ex in her 'nice' phase. Do you have any reason to stay in contact with her?

Oberon - What about Al-Anon meetings in your area (for family and friends of alcoholics)? Many partners/family members of alcoholics who attend these meetings are also on the receiving end of violence. I have only found support when I attended, and at the very least you should feel like you're not alone.

Also, you can try one of the therapy accreditation bodies: BACP, UKCP. Many therapists listed on there offer concessionary rates for those who cannot afford full fees.

All the best.

I have to stay in some contact with her until the house is sold, and I'm paying the mortgage and most of the bills there as she's been out of work (she's been unemployed a lot over the years due to drink). Once it's sold I would hope to cut off contact, at least for some time. She knows which city I live in but doesn't know my address or have my home number. It would be wrong to say I don't care about her at all, but I don't love her anymore and don't see that I can continue to take responsibility for her. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh.

al-anonuk.org.uk/meetings/

Conflugenglugen, thanks. I have in fact been going to al-anon on and off for a while and is has helped. As you'll be aware though the format doesn't really allow for discussion and advice, so there's never a conversation as such. People just relate what they want. There's only one meeting in my area though (actually two but the same people go to both) and I'm often the only man there. This has put me off discussing the violence somewhat. I still have a deep fear of how people will react. I know there are women there who have had not dissimilar experiences but they don't go into details either, perhaps for the same reason as me. I haven't been for a few weeks because I've been worried I've been inhibiting their shares.

I go to a monthly mens group at a local alcohol project (for friends, partners, carers), but again everyone apart from me has an adult child with alcohol problems. I've also heard some of them describe hitting the drinker out of frustration and it made me feel very uncomfortable.

I've been looking at at BACP therapists and found a couple nearby that look promising. They offer a discount, but only for people on benefits (which I'm not, just financially stretched). I've manage to save £400 so far, but don't want to start until I know I can pay for the whole course. Talking to them it sounds like for me this might be more than the standard ten session. I've also been put a waiting list for bereavement counselling from CRUSE, who have a local branch and it's a free service.

God, no, it doesn't sound harsh. I imagine you'll be starting your recovery proper when you realise you don't have to take responsibility for her at all. She is responsible for herself.

She's also responsible for a geat deal of damage to you. It will take YOU time to repair it - she can't. You must be getting fed up of hearing "it'll take time" but it even takes time to get used to that! You've been living in a horror movie for years - all those massive swings from love to hate, all the fear, the second-guessing, the rows ... One of the most difficult parts of any recovery is learning to live on a more even keel. This is where groups like Al-Anon might help; everybody there is making the same adjustment.

Living on high alert for an extended period causes a chain reaction of physical malfunctions, due to the effects of adrenalin. You need plenty of rest, healthy living and a nutritious diet to help your body get itself back in sync. The stress hormones also set up an 'addictive' cycle in the brain - once you're away from the stress stimulus, life feels strangely flat & boring until your healing starts to kick in. In your case, this feeling is complicated by grief for your father; your best preparation will be to develop habits of patience and kindness towards yourself and others.

If you want to read more about that, look up "adrenal exhaustion" and "complex PTSD". You didn't ask for recommendations, but perhaps you might consider getting a mindfulness/meditation/relaxation CD and using it? It will help your brain to learn more useful patterns of thought. It also helps to burn off pointless adrenalin by running, walking, boxing or whatever suits your current level of fitness :)

Feel free to dump your thoughts & feelings here! If you can get yourself a counsellor - either off your own bat or via your GP - that'll help you work through your stuff, as well.

Knowing when you need support, and seeking it, is wise and healthy.

I'm with you on the glass lifts!

Sorry, x-post re Al-Anon. You know, battered women feel shame too. The reason nobody shared about violence might be the same as yours! Could it be worth giving it a try? You could ask the meeting if it was okay to talk about it ... Totally up to you, of course.