Feeling a bit desperate

[OberonTheFool]

Hi

Not sure if this is the right place for this, but here goes. I was supposed to have an appointment with the local DV worker today, I see her about once a month, but unfortunately she's had to postpone as she's off sick. It probably sounds a bit pathetic but I really rely on these sessions with her and I'd been really waiting for this one to talk through a number of things. A couple of friends know but I don't think they're really equipped to discuss the details and I'm not one for talking on the phone in any case.

There are a number of things locally (drop in centre, support groups etc.) but they're for women only. I know it's a bit of a long shot but if anyone knows of any DV resources in or around Nottingham that will talk to men perhaps they could post the details? I've tried the mens support line but can't get through and they close at five (I think they must be pretty slammed because they only answer about 50% of calls per month).

I don't like to ask, but I've only recently moved here to get away from exP and I'm feeling lonely, isolated and a bit desperate to be honest. I'd taken the day off work to make the meeting so I'm on my own, and that probably doesn't help much!

Thanks in advance

I do understand the point about al-anon, which is why I haven't been for a while. I'm really conscious that my presence might be inhibiting the women members to share what they need to. I think it might a good idea if I perhaps went to one or two meetings a month. It seems to be a big theme in al-anon about being kind to yourself. I still have a strong tendency to be really hard on myself if I feel I've made a mistake or upset someone. I'm terrified of doing the wrong thing.

I've recently started kickboxing classes once a week, and as well as getting me fit, I do seem to be mentally better for a few hours afterwards. It's also a way to meet people of course. I've had trouble sleeping and really can't remember the last time I had an unbroken night's sleep, which does often make me tired during the day. I also know I'm not eating properly and I'm underweight (about 9 1/2 stone whereas should be around 11 1/2). I really have a problem with lack of appetite but I'm trying hard to force myself to eat properly, though I'm often away from home or travelling for work and being a veggie can limit my options.

It's understandable you are finding things hard to adjust to at this stage. When I was in my first relationship after leaving my abusive ex I found myself deliberately provoking my now DH. I still dislike myself for doing that to him. It's almost as if I missed the drama and was trying to gain some control over him. I didn't want to be the 'weak' one and live in fear ever again.
16 years on and I still shy away from any kind of confrontation, however minor, the old feelings resurface. But I now have a sense of self-respect and more confidence than I had ever thought possible. It took a long time but I do believe I have the right to be happy, I deserve it. You will get there too. Your loneliness needs to be addressed, I think that's the thing that might draw you back. Can you start some low-level (I mean no pressure ) evening class or regularly meet up with your friends?

You are doing really well and seem to be taking steps to move forward. Don't doubt yourself, I'm pleased you are here. BTW, women can also be embarrassed about talking about DV, many of my friends now don't know anything about my past.

You are

I was unsure about posting here at first, it was a bit of a last resort on Friday, but I'm really glad that I did. I've had so much useful advice and support in the last few days. I think I've been expecting to wake up one day and find everything different, but it took years for me to get into the position I'm now in and it will be a slow process for things to get better, but I've been really inspired by some of things people have said about how it got better for them.

Joining the book and social groups has been invaluable and if nothing else it does get me out and meeting people. Al-anon really helps too. I've always been quite shy and don't find groups easy, but everyone I've met so far has been so friendly and welcoming. One of the advantages of leaving my ex is that I can do what I want and I've been able to get back into music, which always used to be a big interest. In fact, I seem to have a common interest (in musical tastes at least) with someone in one of the groups. It may seem trivial, but friendships can be built on these things.

I've ordered a relaxation CD as I do have problems shutting of my thoughts sometimes. It might help me sleep better as evenings and weekends, especially if I'm not busy, are when I get the most intrusive thoughts. I still feel really angry at myself a lot of the time for allowing the situation with exP to develop as it did, for not standing up for myself more and for staying and taking the abuse for so long. She had me convinced so many times that she was going to change and I so much wanted to be believe her. I know I should have told someone at the time, but I just felt too ashamed to. Still do really.

I went to my brother's yesterday as he had his son over for the weekend and seeing my nephew always cheers me up a bit. In fact, his mum and I are very close friends and she's one the people who know about the violence (my family don't). Whenever I'm feeling low enough to contemplate going back to my ex I always get in touch with her and she manages to talk some sense into me. I know that I can trust her to tell me what I need to know and remind of things I need reminding of sometimes, rather than telling me what she thinks I want to hear.

I'm really feeling a bit better today and I have a number of excellent suggestions to work with. I'm even going to see the film I missed on Friday later, and I've booked a ticket in advance :) MN has been a real lifeline for me this weekend.

Enjoy your film Glad you have found MN useful, we are always here!

Can I respectfully suggest you change your name to Oberon as well? You are no fool.

Oberon - I think you seem to be making all the right steps, and, as you say, it takes time. Also, forgive yourself: for not getting it right all of the time, for all those times when you think you're not good enough. Then you'll know without a doubt that there is always someone on your side, no matter what's going on around you.

I understand your unwillingness not to 'hog the space' at Al-Anon. But there are those who hog, and those who simply don't feel worthy enough to share what's going on for them. Are you, perhaps, someone who falls into the second group? It takes guts to say something that exposes your vulnerabilities to others. Sometimes, though, it gives others permission to do the same. Who knows? The group might be better for it.

D'oh! unwillingness to 'hog the space'

Oberon, please don't blame yourself for any of this. There is only one person to blame and that is your ex. You are not a fool either. The reasons why you stayed in your marriage are completely understandable, and it took a lot of guts to leave. As OPs have said, it may take you a year or even two to start to feel your old self again, so don't be so hard on yourself.

My friend's brother went through a DV situation, and is even now battling for custody of his daughter who is still in the hands of her psychotic, but very clever and manipulative mother. Any time the police or social workers have come around, she has managed to charm them completely, and it has been very hard for this man to prove his claims. Anyway, this all happened in Ireland and he received a lot of support from a charity called Amen.

www.amen.ie/

Not sure if this is any use to you, but reading about other people in your situation might help. There is also an out of hours mobile phone number 00 353 86 7941880. Not sure if they have any policy re: non-Irish residents, but I can't imagine they would refuse to help. Besides, you don't have to tell them where you live. The only thing is that it might be expensive.

Good luck with everything. Things will get better eventually.

Well the film was brilliant, if not exactly a feel good move. The best part was that there were a couple of people from the social group there so I didn't even have see it on my own in the end!

I've copied the details for Amen and they may well be useful if I need to talk and can't get through to the mens advice line or mankind. I think I'll start back at al-anon by sharing a few things and see how I feel about it and how the others react. If it prompts others to do the same then it's probably the way to go. I do often feel that there must be people there who've had it much worse and consider my experience a bit tame. I've never really imagined that women find their DV experiences any easier to talk about, or feel less ashamed than I do, I was just concerned that my presence in a meeting might make it even harder for them.

The points about my username are well taken also. It is how I feel a lot of the time, but I know I need to make an effort to be more positive. I've got a lot of work to do, but to be positive I am rediscovering myself very slowly and activities I haven't enjoyed in years. And if I hadn't had a crisis over the last couple of days because of the postponed appointment I wouldn't have posted here and it's been so helpful. Thank you to everyone.

So I'm trying out a new name, which I hope is better. Plain 'Oberon' was taken, and I'm not yet entirely convinced that Titania really suits me :)

Who would really understand what it's like to walk around shopping centres after work or drive from cafe to cafe because you can't face going home...

The paragraph that you wrote here sounds almost exactly to the deed like the sort of things the alcoholic, violent wife of the friend I mentioned upthread did to him. Spookily so, in fact!

I wish I could put you in touch with him, but he's a shy, quiet man and I know he wouldn't be comfortable talking about things that happened so many years ago with someone he doesn't know.

All I can repeat is that he's very happy now and although he'll never forget the past completely, it doesn't have a hold on him any more.