Bullying Behaviour

[MsMinty]

I've realised that my dh is a fundamentally horrible person and I need a plan of action to deal with it.

I'm due to give birth to our first child next month, and we have just moved house to an isolated rural location, so I'm feeling quite trapped and unable to just get up and go.

Basically he has been unbearable throughout my whole pregnancy, and I have excused it each time, as I knew he was stressed looking for a new job which he has now found, which is why we have moved.

The trouble is, as I knew at the time, each time I excused his bad behaviour, it set a precedent, meaning it was no poblem if he did it again. Basically he was stressed, and he came home and took it out on me big time, calling me thick, useless and pathetic. Totally ironic given that he can't spell, I've got a much better degree than him, and had a better job also.

Now he has started his new job, managing a team for the first time, and within a month, one of his team has told him he wants to leave, mainly because he doesn't like working for him! He told me that last night, and my first thought was, hopefully that will be a wake-up call and you will see you will need to change the way you deal with people. But then a few seconds later I thought, oh no, he's going to take it out on me. And he did, looking for any excuse. First he was angry because he thought I had done nothing all day - despite the fact I'm on maternity leave and had cleaned the whole house and made his tea. Then he realised he couldn't find something and went mental at me, even though I didn't know where it was either.

Then last night and this morning he started making a mess of the whole house, tipping things out of containers and spreading it across the floor. My friends are coming to visit for the weekend, and he knows I'll need to spend the whole day on my hands and knees picking things up. Which is hard to do when you're about to give birth. And he took the car, meaning that I'll need to walk to the supermarket and carry back all the food for the weekend. And he said I couldn't have the car to pick my friends up from the airport tonight. So I'll need to ask them to get a taxi. And he probably won't come to our parenting class tomorrow to punish me for whatever it is he's angry about. Leaving me humiliated in a room full of happy couples.

He left this morning shouting 'your useless' about 100 times. Totally distressing the baby who was kicking like crazy. I can't even be bothered fighting him anymore.

I had previously said he just needs to say anything derogatory once to me once the baby is born, and our whole marriage is over. I have a feeling he will say something bad straight away, and I need the courage to carry through what I've threatened, as I don't want my child to disrspect me.

Talk to your midwife, tell her exactly whats going on and she can connect you with support for whatever you need to do.

You are correct - this behaviour is outrageous. Tell your parents - maybe even tell his parents. Think and discuss with your midwife very carefully if you want him at the birth. The last thing you need is a cruel and unsupportive dickhead getting in the way and upsetting you.

I think the key is real life support. It will make things easier for you and also make him back off. Name and shame - he is relying on secrecy for his power to bully you when you are vulnerable.

The man sounds like a complete arse. Making a mess so you have to clear it up in your condition

Rude's suggestion sounds like a good idea.

Rude is right. Get as much real-life support as you can. I'd also talk to Women's Aid.

Any chance you can go home to your parents? Frankly, he's not going to get any better after the baby is born. If he's like this now, what will he be like when he's woken by a crying baby or when you're too busy with the baby to do something he wants you to?

Sadly, abuse often starts in pregnancy/early babyhood. I waited till DD was 18 months old to leave, and tbh, I wish I'd left sooner.

MsM - I felt really sorry for you reading this post.

I would think that there could be 2 possibilities:

The first is that your dh, is worried as to whether he is up to the job of being main/sole earner and doesn't think that he is up to the job, and so he's taking out on you. I think we all do that to some extent when we are stressed.

The second possibility is that he has taken the new job to try to prove something to himself - and you - and is failing miserably on both counts, hence the horrid behaviour.

Sorry, I tried to play devil's advocate, but ended up by thinking that:

Your better degree and better job may even seem to him that you have acheived those things just to put him down. In which case that sounds terribly narcissistic, and I have experience that myself and know how horrid it is.

His behaviour with emptying things out of boxes over the floor, seems like a small child having a tantrum - especially as you've said that he will leave all the mess for you to clear up. Does he like your friends? If not, he may have done it deliberately because they are coming for the weekend.

Which brings me back to the first questions I wanted to ask. These are:

Is your former job open to you after your maternity leave? Also, if you resigned, try ringing your hr dept to see if you can change your mind and keep the option to go back. I'm assuming that you've been on mat leave less than 2 months.

Is it a job you could do with a baby - ie not involving long trips, impossibly long days etc

Could you move back to where you lived before?

Could you afford to pay for a nanny/childminder, as well as rent or buy somewhere?

How near are your parents? Could you go to them between now and the birth, so that you can prepare for the birth in a calmer environment, without the verbal abuse and a bit of pampering?

I only ask this, because I wonder if it's possible to manage to stay in this situation until the baby is born, or whether you would be even more downtrodden afterwards.

Also, what do your friends think of your dh?

Take care of yourself

"I had previously said he just needs to say anything derogatory once to me once the baby is born, and our whole marriage is over."

Honey, why wait till then? What he is doing to you is domestic abuse, precisely when you are physically less able to deal with it.

You are right about the precedents being set, this behaviour will now be how it is, and will actually get worse.

I'm assuming you have not told a soul about any of this until now? Secrecy and embarrassment is how abuse is sustained for so long and does so much damage. You need to tell literally everyone. Your parents, his parents, the friends coming tonight. TELL THEM he won't let you have the car to do anything today and what he said about picking them up.

Simplistic terms, this abuse needs to be stopped now. You need to put yourself first and foremost, establish an internal mantra 'This is abuse, I will not allow it' Use it when you really need to dig in deep and stand up to him.

Is there anyone you can call to get you to and from the Supermarket today? Could you order online and get it delivered first thing tomorrow? Could you manage tonight, get a takeaway?

If you tell the friends what is happening, not only will it get them on your side, it'll show him that you are not alone and his behaviour is beyond unacceptable.

You need Woman's Aid, you need your MW, you need to call in the biggest guns you can call in. Ideally, he needs to leave the house where you are.

Don't let him have anything more to do with the birth, the sooner you realise that this relationship is going no-where while he thinks it's fine to isolate and torture his DW PG with your first baby, the better.

Sorry, but this is going to get a lot worse until you get rid of him.

If he even makes the slightest of physical threats to you, call the police. At the very least he is endangering the health of your unborn child.

Get an escape bag together, money, documents, passports, bank statements, bills etc, clothes and whatever you need to run to safety. Store it at a friend/neighbour's house

i hope you never need it, but please be prepared, he is very angry and irrational.

God, I am so sorry to hear this.

I'm sorry but in your condidition I would not be on my hands and knees cleaning the mess. leave it. Let your friends see it and let your husband know that they saw it.

I think you need to tell your friends everything. Dont worry about ruining their weekend and putting on a brave face. They only want the best for you and would not want you covering up this nightmare for the sake of a weekend.

Your husband sounds vile. Truly. how dare he put you through this. He is also jealous of you. He knows you are smarter etc and his only way to turn the table and make him feel superior is to belittle you enough that you actually start to believe you are worthless. Am furious on your behalf.

I would leave with your friends to be honest. You deserve to have a peaceful pregnancy/birth and you wont with that deadshit intent on ruining any confidence you have in yourself.

Accept any financial help offered - dont be too proud to accept it. You can always pay it back. Get out ASAP.

I agree. Leave his mess. Tell your friends, tell your doctor, your midwife, your parents, tell Womens Aid. The reasons 'why' he does it are irrelevant. The material fact is that he does it. He's been doing it for a long time, it's getting worse and it WILL become unbearable if you hang around until the baby is born.

You don't deserve this. Your baby doesn't deserve this. He won't change. Good luck!

Agree with ageinggrace that he won't change. Please use that thought to spur you on to getting out.

What an asshole making that mess in the hope you will be so SHAMED. God, please leave it. Let the prick feel the SHAME when your friends come and see it.

how horrible to have this dynamic as your marriage. the competitiveness, the undermining, the lack of respect, the abuse.

you need to get out. but it sounds like you know that.

i am so sorry. he is vile. agree with otehrs you ened to get him out your life and your baby's life now. not when baby is born.

tell all of this to midwife. tell your friends. tell your GP. speak to womens aid and local supprot services.

call in some RL support for when baby is born and for next month.

pack his bag...

Get out before the baby is born. I know it will seem hard because your due date is so near but it'll be so much harder when the baby's born and you're exhausted. Tell people in rl, including your friends who are coming to visit. Can you stay with your parents until after the baby is born?

Don't have him with you at the birth, you need to be as calm and relaxed as possible and to be supported which he won't do.

I agree with other's who say phone Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

Check out their website too.

Poor you. I am so glad your attitude is that you realise he is horrid and you need to deal with it. Emptying stuff over your house to ruin your weekend with friends is a way of trying to isolate you - he doesn't want you to have friends. Someone very close to me put up with that sort of behaviour for years without us knowing fully and it all ended very very very badly with consequences for the rest of several people's lives.

I agree with the other posters that you should not clear up his mess......if you can, you should let your friends see it. Will your DH be home first or will your friends arrive? If your DH, then will he go loopy if the house is still a mess? Be careful if that is the case as it may not be worth the risk, but if your friends will arrive first then you might go with it.

I do hope that you manage to find a way out of this (you will). Women's Aid seems like an excellent first port of call, and talking to your midwife and being upfront about what is going on. Good luck.

Phew - thanks guys for your advice. Now it's the hard bit of actually doing something about it. I know my parents would support me straight away. I just need to be brave and tell them. He actually just phoned saying he'd go to the supermarket, and pick up my friends tonight. But it's obviously like living on a knife edge not knowing when he will next get angry.

The difficulty is that in the last 8 months we have got married, got pregnant, moved house twice away from our friends and family, and I've finished my job for maternity leave. I just don't know if I can face separating from dh and giving birth in the next month, as I am so overwhelmed.

Be brave and tell your parents :) If you know they'll be supportive, they will help smoothe your path through the coming weeks - as you know, it's going to be a challenging time come what may. Better to be facing it with loving support than with an unexploded bomb!

Hope your weekend goes well. PLEASE tell your mates (quietly) while they are there. xx

he sounds like a complete bully you need to get out asap.

good luck with the preganancy, make the most of supportive parents thay are gold in these situations.

I know it seems like extra stress to leave - but logistically, it's easier to do it now than with a little baby. You should be able to relax and enjoy your child's first days and weeks, not spend them on tenterhooks waiting for the next outburst from the baby's father. Don't let him steal this time from you.

MsM - you say you've left your job. I was wondering if you've left permanently, or just left to go on maternity leave?

Perhaps if it's the latter, either you've left the door open, or if not you still have time to change that. It may be worth contact your previous employer - by phone when your dh is out, just to find out if you have the option to go back in say 6-7 months time, iyswim.

Hope you have a good weekend with your friends, and that if your dh picks them up he hasn't tried to poison their minds against you on the way home.

I totally agree that you need to tell everyone who knows you both what he is doing to you.
I have recently started doing this after 15 years of crap. I felt guilty at first, like I had failed, was betraying him. But that soon passed and it felt so good to do.
It has been very empowering.
When you see other people's reactions to his behaviour, their shocked disbelieving faces, you KNOW that what is happening is very wrong. When you live with an abuser you loose all sense of perspective. The abuse because a normal part of your daily existence, it becomes as normal as making a cuppa. YOu become so knocked down by it that it takes a huge effort to get yourself out.
He will get worse and worse and he will take it out on your baby.
Please leave him.

Call your parents, tell them everything, ask them to take care of you until the baby is a couple of months old and you can begin to think again, then sit back and let them. Seriously. Because if you don't, your baby will grow up either like this man, or thinking their spouse is okay to behave like this man. Plus terrified.

He won't change. This is who he is. And it's not you - the fact he has bullied his team so mercilessly one is leaving inside a month makes that plain.

"When someone tells you who they are, believe him."

You made a mistake. It's very early days in your life as a parent - in the relationship - and you can walk away and start again. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave.

Truly. Ask your parents to take care of you while you're so vulnerable, so you can care for your baby. Away from this horrible man.

MsMinty: I've lived with a nasty petty little man like this, for 10 years.

How sad to look back on the relationship and while at the beginning my heart would skip a beat if he came into the room, in the end I'd almost vomit in fear.

Once I realised that I didn't want to live like that any more and ended the relationship. OK we were in the same house for a few more months, but he physically left last week.

That sick pit of my stomach feeling has pretty much gone, only when I hear your story can I feel it again faintly.

Do what you have to do in the short term, protect yourself wherever possible though.

Please at least check out with WA and CAB to see how they could help you and if you could take them up on some assistance, short term.

Actually physically, it'd be easier to go now, than after you have had your baby I think, please try to get out, then your recovery will start sooner, and you will be safe.

Could you go home for a while? Talk to your parents and see if they could help you settle somewhere?

your h is a tyrant..who has the perfect chance now that you are at your most vulnerable to unleash his tyrannical behaviour..which is a subtle way of emotionally battering you until you have little or no self esteem left.

He will not change..in fact I suspect that you personally are probably seeing the "real" him..and his work colleagues have seen it for a long time.

Speak to your midwife, womens Aid..tell your parents and leave this vile man...any man that can behave in such an emotionally abusive way towards his heavily pregnant wife deserves no pity..

I understand that it must be extremely scary the thought of seperating when you are just about to give birth, but I'm convinced that it will be easier then living with him once your baby is here. It's also harder to just "go" once you have a baby.

Are you going to talk to your parents and friends about it?

MsMinty, I am so sorry for you that you are going through this. I agree with the others' advice.

One other thing I notice from your posts though, is your tendency to find excuses to accept or explain (and thus put up with it longer) these circumstances.

Yes, alot has happened to you in less than a year.

I know you must be exhausted, like never before. The emotional abuse is exhausting, too. But you need to push (sorry for pun) to get separated from your abuser ASAP...then there is every real expectation that you will find peace for your soul. The sort of peace that will allow you to enjoy and love your little angel baby.

In present circumstances, I seriously doubt your abuser will allow you to love your baby-as suggested before, he may see the baby as competition. With this amount of anger that is evident in only a few written paragraphs: I am afraid for your baby, as well as afraid for you.

It is very important that you fully understand that he can not respect people to the extent that he treats them like objects rather than human beings. The trashing the home is prelude to what he may be capable of doing to you as an object, and God forbid, the baby (sooo vunerable). Protect your baby. Let that be the endless well of energy and motivation to catapult you through the separation and birth and recovery and organization of your lives without him.

Keep posting for clarity and validation, especially if you find yourself manufacturing excuses again.

Wishing you the best of luck.