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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is DP flirting with this girl??

37 replies

Geriatricbabymama · 24/02/2011 23:12

Hi, I also posted this in Am I Being Unreasonable but think maybe it was the wrong forum to put it. Anyway, it's just something that's made me very slightly uneasy tonight. Maybe I'm being ridiculously paranoid but it looks like my DP is possibly flirting with someone on facebook (he knows her in real life, she lives quite close by).

She posted a pic of her new car on facebook. My DP commented about it. She replied, addressing him as an affectionate nicknamey version of his name (eg DP-y). He replied again, offering to "take her for a spin" in his car, with a kiss on the end of his message.

She's sort of a friend of his, but not a close one - more of a friend of a friend, to be honest. They never hang out, just the two of them. She is absolutely stunning, intimidatingly beautiful. Everyone seems to be after her.

Of course, he must find her attractive, there's no way on earth that he wouldn't. I get that. I do feel very panicky at the idea of him actually being interested in someone else though and that little FB exchange has unnerved me slightly. I really, really hope I'm just being silly!

OP posts:
moondog · 24/02/2011 23:13

He sounds about 11.
So do you.
Howzabout logging off MN and talking to him?

MrsRhettButler · 24/02/2011 23:16

it sounds like flirting but doesn't everyone flirt a little bit? unless you have reason to think more of it then i wouldn't worry :)

BellaSwanCullen · 24/02/2011 23:19

It sounds like a flirty exchange. Do you think she would be interested in your man?

spidookly · 24/02/2011 23:55

No, not everyone flirts in such an obvious and public way.

Lovesdogsandcats · 25/02/2011 00:05

'he sounds about 11.So do you'

I agree that HE sounds 11, but why does OP?

I think he seems immature. Why is he offering to take her in his car, is he showing off and saying his car is better than her new one? I don't get it.

MrsRhettButler · 25/02/2011 00:12

isn't obvious and public flirting better than behind the back secretive flirting?

spidookly · 25/02/2011 00:30

they're not mutually exclusive.

hairymelons · 25/02/2011 00:41

If DH did that I wouldn't think much of it and I'm quite insecure!

I agree it's very public and probably unselfconscious. Ask him about it in a jokey way, he'll probably be embarassed that it was obviously flirty.

spidookly · 25/02/2011 00:45

If my husband was writing creepy, sleazy messages like that on FB with little kisses on them I'd be mortified.

I'll take you for a spin in my car?

Barf

Bast · 25/02/2011 02:31

Yup, he's flirting.

Are you comfortable with it or not? That's more the issue, regardless of the label.

Flirting doesn't necessarily mean anything but I, personally, would probably throw an irrational wobbly anyway! That's just me, I wouldn't recommend it as the best route to resolution Smile

Original poster
Geriatricbabymama · 25/02/2011 09:09

Thanks for the replies and sorry for not acknowledging them sooner - forgot that I also posted the thread here Blush

I've had a word with him and explained how it looked to me and that it made me feel uncomfortable. He got quite irritable and defensive, which isn't like him tbh. This makes me think that he probably does fancy her (which is no crime, of course).

He offered to change his facebook message to her, to one that said I thought he was coming on to her in the previous one. Obviously, I said there was no need for that. He insisted that he's not interested in anyone else, only loves me, etc.

Although it was embarassing to admit that I'm jealous and not at all nice to have him get annoyed like that, I'm relieved that it's out in the open. I could be wrong but feel like if anything was likely to happen between them, it's a bit less likely now that he's aware that the flirty banter has been noticed. If that makes any sense Confused

OP posts:
hairymelons · 25/02/2011 10:30

"I could be wrong but feel like if anything was likely to happen between them, it's a bit less likely now that he's aware that the flirty banter has been noticed."

Sad

Do you really think he would be unfathful? I thought you were just describing feeling a bit insecure, not that you thought he would consider it. What makes you think that he would?

abedelia · 25/02/2011 10:56

Irritable and defensive. Hmmm. Sounds like you touched a nerve. Personally I'd be concerned - how would he like it if you flirted openly (in a way visible to all you friends for a week or so till it moves off-screen) with the local hunk? He's lacking a bit of basic respect, if you ask me.

I'm guessing but watch out for her being one of those useless women who know they are beautiful and are as shallow as a puddle. If so, soon he'll be humiliating himself by doing her DIY while she sunbathes in the garden and the stuff you have been on at him to do for months is still waiting.

Bucharest · 25/02/2011 10:58

My answer is the same as in the AIBU thread.

abedelia · 25/02/2011 11:15

To add - it isn't all her fault. Most normal men would be embarrassed to have someone publicly come on to them. He's encouraging it.

BEAUTlFUL · 25/02/2011 14:33

Congratulations! You just told your DP that he stands a chance with an intimidatingly beautiful girl! Way to make yourself into 2nd prize.

Don't do this again!

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 25/02/2011 14:37

He does sound about 11. And what is to stop him sending per private messages on facebook that you don't know about.....

Original poster
Geriatricbabymama · 25/02/2011 17:34

Thanks, everyone, for the advice and sympathy - it's a relief to know that other people would feel the same way if it was their DP. Makes me feel slightly less nuts Blush

Earlier on today, I texted him to say I'd thought about it and that I'd realised it may be unrealistic to expect him not to flirt with/sleep with anyone else ever again, especially as he's still quite young (30, 5 years younger than me - Hot Girl is about 23 Envy). Also told him that if I had other offers myself then I might be less bothered ;-). And that I never used to believe in monogamy anyway. I know that sounds mental but I was trying to adjust my expectations, if you see what I mean. Anyway, he replied and told me to stop being such a knob and that he didn't want to even think about the idea of an open relationship.

I also told a mutual friend about the fb thing and she fell about laughing, told me I was being a twat to read anything into his conversation with Hot Girl and that I'm basically BVVU to worry. She's also had a baby recently, so fully understands that I'm not feeling super confident about how I look just now & totally gets the whole feeling threatened by younger, prettier women thing. She still thinks I'm being an idiot, which is very reassuring in these circumstances!

DP and I have spoken since then (he's not home from work yet) and I've apologised to him for being silly. He's said he totally understands now that it looked a bit dodgy and that he's sorry for getting shitty with me when I hassled asked him about it.

So we're ok, thankfully. Cheers for listening & sorry for the mega-long post!

OP posts:
mummery · 25/02/2011 17:42

Why did you say to DP that you thought you were being unreasonable not to expect him to sleep with anyone ever again? And express misgivings about the whole concept of monogamy?

You have a child together and I guess are in a committed long term relationship? What you said to him appears to me as if you are trying to justify infidelity on his part before it has even happened.

You've really put yourself down with these statements; just wondering, how do you rate your own self esteem?

PeterAndreForPM · 25/02/2011 18:13

what a load of juvenile game playing

on both your parts

total non-thread

abedelia · 26/02/2011 15:08

Congratulations. You have now given him permission to go off and screw around with someone else and and when he feels like it, and have totally disregarded everyone's advice given here (most from a position of some experience, I might add).

If that's your friend's advice she is a class A idiot with a masters degree in idiocy - and with your apology to this immature creep you've made yourself look like a total doormat to boot. Well done.

superv1xen · 26/02/2011 15:12

he sounds a twat op

and it is flirting.

sorry.

superv1xen · 26/02/2011 15:14

omg just read the OP's last post

:(

Original poster
Geriatricbabymama · 26/02/2011 18:01

mummery Hi, I've sort of explained just now on the other thread I posted in AIBU. Will cut and paste it on here in a sec Smile

PeterAndreForPM - if this is a total non-thread, why on earth would you bump it by replying???

abedelia -what advice have I been given and disregarded? Only to log off and talk to him about it, which I did Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Geriatricbabymama · 26/02/2011 18:05

mummery "Why did you say to DP that you thought you were being unreasonable not to expect him to sleep with anyone ever again? And express misgivings about the whole concept of monogamy?"

I know it sounds very messed up of me to say something like that but the reason is, basically, that I worked as an escort for most of my adult life (between age 20 - 31) and during that time, I had quite a distorted view of men and fidelity. I just took it as read that most men, however nice they were and regardless of whether they were happy in their relationships, would cheat on their partners.

My way of coping with that "knowledge" or, rather, fucked up belief system was to tell myself that physical fidelity wasn't the be all and end all in a relationship. I haven't had anything to do with the sex industry since I finished working as an escort and have had lots of counselling since then and, I think, reintegrated into normal life pretty well. I don't think I have any more trust issues than the average person in the street these days. (DP knows about my past, by the way).

However, IF something makes me feel insecure in my relationship, those old feelings do tend to resurface and I automatically assume the worst. And my way of coping then, is to try to get back into that mindset of not expecting too much in terms of fidelity . Thing is, it doesn't really work. I can't tell myself that it (DP being faithful) doesn't matter because of course it does, I'm not dead on the inside anymore.

So it was just an emotional self-preservation type reaction, he knows where it came from and that I don't really mean it Blush

OP posts:
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