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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is DP flirting with this girl??

37 replies

Geriatricbabymama · 24/02/2011 23:12

Hi, I also posted this in Am I Being Unreasonable but think maybe it was the wrong forum to put it. Anyway, it's just something that's made me very slightly uneasy tonight. Maybe I'm being ridiculously paranoid but it looks like my DP is possibly flirting with someone on facebook (he knows her in real life, she lives quite close by).

She posted a pic of her new car on facebook. My DP commented about it. She replied, addressing him as an affectionate nicknamey version of his name (eg DP-y). He replied again, offering to "take her for a spin" in his car, with a kiss on the end of his message.

She's sort of a friend of his, but not a close one - more of a friend of a friend, to be honest. They never hang out, just the two of them. She is absolutely stunning, intimidatingly beautiful. Everyone seems to be after her.

Of course, he must find her attractive, there's no way on earth that he wouldn't. I get that. I do feel very panicky at the idea of him actually being interested in someone else though and that little FB exchange has unnerved me slightly. I really, really hope I'm just being silly!

OP posts:

IngridBergmann · 26/02/2011 18:18

'Total non thread'?

How to make someone with clearly low self esteem feel GREAT

I think some of us should try to be a bit kinder.

OP - I'm sorry to hear about this and I'm sorry that you've had some harsh replies.

I can understand where you are coming from and I think for what it's worth that your other half is being rather cruel, that he perhaps knows your self esteem is low and is taking advantage of this, and that you might benefit from some time by yourself, without him, but with a counsellor, in order to find that nugget of self worth that's hiding inside you

I know how you feel.
x

AlienZombieMum · 26/02/2011 18:25

I know it sounds very messed up of me to say something like that but the reason is, basically, that I worked as an escort for most of my adult life (between age 20 - 31) and during that time, I had quite a distorted view of men and fidelity. I just took it as read that most men, however nice they were and regardless of whether they were happy in their relationships, would cheat on their partners

Yup. Me too . I have worked in the Sex Industry and I thought like this for years. Still do at times, however it may help to remind yourself that although a huge majority of your clients will have been married/committed , that actually only 10% - 20% of men ever visit a Sex Worker (10% will admit to it in anonymous study done a couple of years ago but I'm adding a bit as some won't admit it).
Sooooo.... I keep reminding myself that MOST men don't visit Sex Workers, so you and I seen a small percentage of the male population, who were inclined to be unfaithful. I still have to remind myself of this til I'm blue in the face but it helps.

You may also be very hung up on 'looks' and 'sell-by dates' as a lot of the men who visit Sex Workers are very picky about appearance. Maybe why you are comparing yourself to this "gorgeous younger woman". But remember (keep on repeating to self...) MOST MEN ARE JUST HAPPY TO HAVE SOMEONE THEY FIND ATTRACTIVE AND DO CARE FOR PERSONALITY TOO. AND MOST MEN HAVE A WIDE VARIATION OF WHAT THEY FIND ATTRACTIVE. Normal worthy men are not hung up on stuff like 'She MUST be a size 8, under 25, pert tits' criteria, they are happy to have a real live woman in bed with them! These are the kind you want to go for.

I do think and know from personal experience that these feelings are hard to shake. Most who have worked in the Sex Industry have a very 'it happens' (shrug) attitude to infidelity, as they see it day in day out. But this should not stop you from recognising your own needs and desires for the type of relationship you want (monogamy from the sounds of it)

xxxx

PeterAndreForPM · 26/02/2011 18:30

This thread should be reposted over to where women say sex work is "empowering" and "an informed choice"

IngridBergmann · 26/02/2011 18:36

I don't agree...she's a perfectly nice and reasonable OP with a GREAT degree of equanimity and she is explaining things to us, having asked for our help.

I don't think it's appropriate to tell her to go away. By all means decline to help but she has every right to post here, and she is not defending or promoting sex work by asking this question.

AlienZombieMum · 26/02/2011 18:37

Oh give it a rest PeterAndre. This is about OP and her relationship which yes, has been clouded by her previous experiences. Lets not make this into yet another attack on those who do CHOOSE to work in the Sex Industry eh? Of course it will have downsides, but people do choose it when in this country (with benefits etc to fall back on) no one HAS to do it to survive. I agree, in my opinion it is not empowering, however why do you judge others who may find it is? . I hate the word "empowering" in any context though!

Enough of this, don't you have anything to say to advise the OP? (other than one liners about her previous job)

JessinAvalon · 26/02/2011 18:59

Hi OP
Don't know if you need any advice now as you seem to have taken steps to deal with the situation but I wanted to say:

I'm sorry that some people are being unkind to you on this thread. I always hate seeing people getting rude responses when they are feeling vulnerable and have posted honestly and asking for validation with the way that they are feeling,

Yes, it sounded as if your partner was flirting a little bit. But his responses since have been empathetic and caring (as far as I can tell) so you have done the right thing to raise it with him and tell him how you feel.

FWIW, I would have felt exactly the same if I'd seen similar posts by a partner of mine to some girl on FB. I think most people would, no matter how they say that it wouldn't matter to them.

I hope all this blows over and you feel better soon.

Original poster

Geriatricbabymama · 26/02/2011 19:07

Thank you Ingrid and Zombie

"Most who have worked in the Sex Industry have a very 'it happens' (shrug) attitude to infidelity, as they see it day in day out."
Exactly! You (wrongly) see it as the norm when you're in that world. Once you're out of it, the cynicism filter (opposite of rose tinted goggles?) gradually drops away, thank god. It does have a nasty tendency to pop up again if you feel insecure but it helps if you can see it for what it is.

OP posts:

Original poster

Geriatricbabymama · 26/02/2011 19:08

Oh and thanks Jess - sorry, only just saw your post!

OP posts:

AlienZombieMum · 26/02/2011 19:12

Yup, I would feel pissed off and a bit suspicious if I had a partner and they had posted something like that.

I think you did the right thing. It would have been a bit OTT (but understandable given your insecurities) to go mad at him. You handled it well and calmly despite feeling insecure.

Try to see it for what it is, re -the cynicism. I have to try really hard to counteract those "infidelity is a fact of life" and "all men cheat" and "all men are after a supermodel" thoughts. I have to make a concious decision to block the thoughts or counter them. CBT may help for that x

harpsichordcarrier · 26/02/2011 19:22

hello
I can see this is a difficult area for you.
FWIW as someone who used to suffer with jealousy and has grown out of it being extremely old now, I would say that the message looked a bit flirty but so what, really? I have been happily married for about 100 years but I still do a little light flirting now and then, and it doesn't have to mean anything at all.
Flirting does NOT = just about to have sex with someone else. Flirting does NOT even = sexually interested in someone else. and flirting certainly does NOT = infidelity.
I am a pretty confident person and I am happy for my DH to have female friends, he is happy for me to have male friends, I would certainly be happy for a little flirting now and then as long as we all understand where the line is crossed. i.e. YOU need to tell HIM what is acceptable and vice versa. There isn't a Big Book of Rules, you have to work it out between you without letting your irrational insecurities become someone else's problem.

SunshineisSorry · 26/02/2011 19:36

PeterAndreForPM - you should be ashamed of yourself, how dare you judge the OP in such a way who died and put you in charge?

epicfail · 27/02/2011 08:10

I may have read it wrong but I didnt think PA4PM meant to take this whole thread elsewhere. I took it that she meant that some of the sentiments expressed by OP would be valuable in discussions about the Sex Industry.

OP I would have been VERY annoyed and upset at the posting on Facebook, but I am so childish I probably would have just done the same thing to him.

Probably not very helpful advice.

Is he usually the type who signs off with a kiss?

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