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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice desperately needed

38 replies

kerbear · 24/02/2011 19:39

A brief outline...met my husband 10 years ago-we were both married at the time, had an affair, left our partners and moved in together. He had no kids and I had 1. within a few weeks he had gone back to his wife and I was living with my mum. He then left his wife again and we started to live together. After a few months I found out that he was still seeing and sleeping with his wife. My son and I moved back out to live with my mum. After long discussions and alot of promises, my husband said it was me and my son he wanted and we moved back in together.

Unfortunately there were lots of arguments as I didn't fully trust him and he was also a very heavy drinker. However, a few years later I got pregnant and we had a son and, 18 months after his birth, we got married. all was well, good self employed job, I was a SAHM, then a bad business deal led him into bankruptcy-of which I knew nothing about. I then had another child and when she was 5 months old I found out he had been having an affair which had lasted 1 month. We separated, went to relate n then after a few months I forgave him and got back together.

All was well until 2 weeks ago, I found out he'd been in contact with a colleague he used to work with on facebook. My world fell apart all over again. Upon looking at his phone bills, he'd been txting her for a week, as well as emailing her and had phoned her 3 or 4 times :-(

He has told me that there was nothing in the text messages or mails, just general chat and he thought it would be easier to phone her than text her. He said he realised that after 1 week he was doing wrong and stopped contacting her. His bills shows this is true. However, how can I believe it was general chat??? He's deleted all the evidence and I can't see what has been said. However, I have been in receipt of his txt messages, as that is how our relationship started.

The thing is, I trusted him and he let me down again. I have told him that I can't be with him anymore, but we are still living together. Do I believe what he is telling me? If I leave I will break my 3 kids hearts and they haven't asked for any of this but if I stay I know I will find it hard to trust him again. I have an appt tomorrow with the citizens advice, and if I leave we will have to sell our home as he couldn't afford to keep me here. I am now working full time and rely on him for the school run etc. I don't know what to do-give him the benefit of the doubt or rip my kids world apart. Do I put my kids first or myself????

When the kids are in bed, I spend most of the time in my bedroom and am only in the same room as him when the kids are around. He is also sleeping on the sofa at the moment.

I really don't know what to do-single mum of 3 living in a council house on benefits, or stay with the man I love even though he goes behind my back and deceives me.........my happiness or the kids happiness??

I would really value your opinions xx

OP posts:
Roisinniamh · 24/02/2011 20:06

Sorry but this sounds like a storyline from Eastenders.

everlong · 24/02/2011 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aurynne · 24/02/2011 20:28

Well... you started this relationship as an adulterer, he did too, you both are serial cheaters, and he is just acting the way he is. What did you expect?

"Do I put my kids first or myself????" If you really have to ask this, then I am refusing to participate in this thread anymore.

Doha · 24/02/2011 20:32

What goes around comes around,

This relationship got off to a sleezy start and has never been a very steady /stable relationship for you. It won't get any better, it sounds as if he is at it again.

Just do yourself a favour and prevent any more heartbreak--leave him.

Next time pick someone who is not attached to someone else Hmm.

oprahfan · 24/02/2011 20:33

I really think there is someone out there who thinks of the crappiest stories they can think of to wind other MNs up.

Off to make a cup o tea. Oh no, hold on, that makes me happy, not the kids.

BOLLARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JustForThisOne · 24/02/2011 20:36

maybe just accept the fact that both of you are mot made for monogamy, try relate and learn hoe to have an open relationship
at least the moving about would stop

PeterAndreForPM · 24/02/2011 20:36

What goes around comes around

Having said that, if this is true, you are one of the most naive posters I have ever seen on MN

stupid doesn't even come close Hmm

QuelleLeJeff · 24/02/2011 20:41

I'm confused as to what it is you're asking?

Are you asking if you should leave him?

Are you asking if you can stay?

Are you asking if he's been cheating?

Are you asking about the morality of being on benefits?

Confused
Original poster
kerbear · 24/02/2011 20:58

Ok-suppose I deserve all those comments. I am not a serial cheater-I cheated once. I have 1 child from my 1st marriage and the other 2 from my now marriage. I never went back to my 1st husband. I must admit I expected u to be honest but I didn't expect the harshness of some of your replies.

I was asking for some advice, possibly from someone who had been in a similar situation on what you would do in my situation and yes, your probably right, it does sound like an eastenders storyline, but, having said that, it's my life and I didn't ask for all the s**t that's been thrown my way.

Thanks for your comments

OP posts:
Original poster
kerbear · 24/02/2011 21:01

Aurynne-I meant do I put my kids first n stay in the relationship or do I consider what is best for me-was that an unreasonable question??

OP posts:
QuelleLeJeff · 24/02/2011 21:02

No! wait before you run off, I was niceish to you dammit! Grin

Do you want to know if we think he's been cheating?

Original poster
kerbear · 24/02/2011 21:04

Yes-do u think that??? Thx for being niceish-lol!!

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 24/02/2011 21:05

Yes, he's been cheating

He has form, remember

PeterAndreForPM · 24/02/2011 21:06

that was what I meant by my "naive" comment

you know what he is capable of

what do you think ?

zikes · 24/02/2011 21:08

I don't think the school run etc are insurmountable problems: there are breakfast/afterschool clubs and childminders.

I don't think a relationship where he cheats on you and you unhappily put up with it is necessarily a better thing for the children than you on your own, forging your own way and hopefully finding happiness. MN goes on about parents modelling relationships to their children, so maybe that's an angle to think about.

Original poster
kerbear · 24/02/2011 21:10

Deep down that's what I think but in thinking that I know that I will break my kids hearts for leaving their dad and I don't know if it's best fir them for me to stay or go. I'm more scared that they will blame me because I won't forgive their dad for something that he's done-I didnt ask to be put in this situation :-(

OP posts:
Professor · 24/02/2011 21:13

When I met my DH, I was married to my 1st DH.
DH2 had no qualms whatsoever in chatting me up, telling me I deserved better, etc.

At the time I laughed it off. We met up again 3 years later after my divorce from DH1.

Al I can say is that if they are like this when you first meet them, then they will always be like this. Thus, my DH is as untrustworthy now as he was then.

As has been said before, what goes aruond comes around, and you should have realised that, if he was a cheat then, he will still be a cheat now.

Feel bad for you though.

Original poster
kerbear · 24/02/2011 21:14

Parents modellibg relationships to their children...sorry new to this...what exactly does that mean??

OP posts:
zikes · 24/02/2011 21:14

They'd still have their dad, you just wouldn't be living together.

Yes, it's upheaval and disruption and pain, but seriously with the suspicion and rows(?) it doesn't sound like an altogether happy home now.

zikes · 24/02/2011 21:17

Modelling = showing your children what relationships are supposed to be like, through your example with your relationships.

Original poster
kerbear · 24/02/2011 21:18

I cheated once, and I know I wouldn't do it again.....does that make me naive for believing in love??

OP posts:
Original poster
kerbear · 24/02/2011 21:21

Zikes-there's no rows-we barely speak to each other-only when absolutely necessary!! I have tried to prevent arguments in front of the kids and we've remained civil when they are around.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 24/02/2011 21:23

were there any children from both of your prior marriages ?

LittleMissHissyFit · 24/02/2011 21:24

You knew what what you were dating... a Cheat

The old adage goes When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.

He is what he is.

If you stay in this relationship, the situation will damage the kids, it'll destroy their self esteem and teach them to have a marriage just like yours. Would you wish that on them?

If you leave and are happy, you will be a better mum, the atmosphere - even if you are not arguing - is still toxic, so they are best out of it.

You have work, you can make it work, you can ask other Mums to help, Breakfast clubs etc, better than sitting in this dead end marriage, waiting to die.

Eventually the kids will leave, as soon as they can escape and you will be left alone with him. Terrifying thought that isn't it?

I hate cheats, loathe them, karma and all that, but I also hate to see women in that trapped position, and worse their children.

Be brave, deep breath, you can and have to do this.

Professor · 24/02/2011 21:26

Op, I have to be honest here and say that I have never heard a good enough argument from anyone to justify having an affair.

If you are unhappy with a partner, then you leave. You do not have to go looking for someone else to replace them first.

My DH is well aware that if he ever so much as fondles another woman, he is gone. There are no 3 strikes with me re infidelity. If I were the forgiving type, my MN name would be CherylCole.

You knew what your DH thought re marriage vows when you met....obviously not a lot. So you can't really expect him to remain faithful now.

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