Advice desperately needed

[kerbear]

A brief outline...met my husband 10 years ago-we were both married at the time, had an affair, left our partners and moved in together. He had no kids and I had 1. within a few weeks he had gone back to his wife and I was living with my mum. He then left his wife again and we started to live together. After a few months I found out that he was still seeing and sleeping with his wife. My son and I moved back out to live with my mum. After long discussions and alot of promises, my husband said it was me and my son he wanted and we moved back in together.

Unfortunately there were lots of arguments as I didn't fully trust him and he was also a very heavy drinker. However, a few years later I got pregnant and we had a son and, 18 months after his birth, we got married. all was well, good self employed job, I was a SAHM, then a bad business deal led him into bankruptcy-of which I knew nothing about. I then had another child and when she was 5 months old I found out he had been having an affair which had lasted 1 month. We separated, went to relate n then after a few months I forgave him and got back together.

All was well until 2 weeks ago, I found out he'd been in contact with a colleague he used to work with on facebook. My world fell apart all over again. Upon looking at his phone bills, he'd been txting her for a week, as well as emailing her and had phoned her 3 or 4 times :-(

He has told me that there was nothing in the text messages or mails, just general chat and he thought it would be easier to phone her than text her. He said he realised that after 1 week he was doing wrong and stopped contacting her. His bills shows this is true. However, how can I believe it was general chat??? He's deleted all the evidence and I can't see what has been said. However, I have been in receipt of his txt messages, as that is how our relationship started.

The thing is, I trusted him and he let me down again. I have told him that I can't be with him anymore, but we are still living together. Do I believe what he is telling me? If I leave I will break my 3 kids hearts and they haven't asked for any of this but if I stay I know I will find it hard to trust him again. I have an appt tomorrow with the citizens advice, and if I leave we will have to sell our home as he couldn't afford to keep me here. I am now working full time and rely on him for the school run etc. I don't know what to do-give him the benefit of the doubt or rip my kids world apart. Do I put my kids first or myself????

When the kids are in bed, I spend most of the time in my bedroom and am only in the same room as him when the kids are around. He is also sleeping on the sofa at the moment.

I really don't know what to do-single mum of 3 living in a council house on benefits, or stay with the man I love even though he goes behind my back and deceives me.........my happiness or the kids happiness??

I would really value your opinions xx

When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy. So sorry, but this looks like trouble on the horizon :(

So, reading a little bit further, you really are desperately unhappy aren't you OP?

What kind of a life is this?Please don't think the children can't feel that there is something amiss, they will know that something is wrong and this needs to be sorted out one way or another PDQ before too much damage is done to them.

How sure are you that he has been cheating? Personally it sounds suspicious to me, but I wonder whether your fear is based on past experience - maybe that's clouding the issue, the problem here is that you don't seem able to trust your own instincts. I'm finding your postings hard to decipher - now, either that's the wine (probably) or you are posting in fairly confused manner. (I BET IT'S THE WINE DAMMIT! [joke])

I notice that in your OP you ask us if you can believe him.We can't answer that question for you, have you had a proper, PROPER conversation about all this - I know you said he denied it, but have you talked since, actually talked?

I had 1 child from my first marriage and he had none.

I know deep down that all your comments make sense-and I know if I was giving advice on this-I would say the same. I think it's becausevim scared-hence the reason I'm trying to talk myself out of what I know I have to do :-(

I am going to the citizens advice tomorrow-and he knows I'm going-so hopefully things might not seem so frightening.

Thank you all x

Am I missing something here? Is this not a genuine post? Some of the replies seem unduly harsh, no??

savewater, she's actually getting an easy ride,normally those who have affairs with MM get torn to shreds...

QuelleLeJeff-I'm not sure if he's been cheating-he admitted to having contact with her-as she was an old work colleague-but he'd deleted the messages on fb from her-but not from other female friends. Then I checked his phone bill and a number kept occurring, so I rang it-a woman answered but wouldn't speak to me. I then took his phone off him and rang it from there and he had her name and email address in his phone. When I confronted him with all of it-he couldn't deny it-but he did deny that there was anything going on. I am afraid that our past history is clouding my judgement and that he is actually telling me the truth. But i only have his word for it as he deleted all the messages.

He did only have contact with her for a week and hasntvsince-cos he knows I'll find it on the bill.

Hope this is making sense.

SWDW, I believe the post is genuine

and I stand by my comments

I wish OP well of course, and that she does deserve to be happy

she has to step out of the denial though...she is married to a man with form for deceit and betrayal

just because she (who is also a person with form for deceit and betrayal...worse than him in fact, because she had a dc) has said she would never do it again, is no reason at all to suggest that he would not

she also hasn't really got much of a leg to stand on when she tries to pull a "moral" stance against cheating

she is fucked basically, and if she has any reason to think he is playing away, she should walk away very quickly

I wish you well, too. I'm glad you're going to the CAB; you'll feel a bit more in charge of your own life when you've got a clearer idea of your options.

Your relationship is terrible. This is pretty much how it's always been, hasn't it - it's not going to magically become a fairytale marriage. Believe in love, for goodness sake, but don't believe in miracles! The man you married is AT BEST weak-willed, deceitful, and treats you more like his bossy grandmother than his wife and mother of his kids. Staying together isn't best for the DCs. They pick up on their parents' emotional state - and, worst of all, they assume their parents' marriage is what they should aim for in life.

I didn't ask for all the st that's been thrown my way

You did really.. because you even before you had a kid with him he had left you twice to go back to his ex...

He sounds a complete tosser, who doesnt give a shit about you, so why keep giving him chance after chance?

squeaky...I think she meant the "shit" thrown her way on this thread..

OK Kerbear.

I think the fact that he has "fessed up" to a small part of this betrayal is one thing. The fact all messages are gone is highly weird. The fact that he is sleeping on the sofa and you are living in a cold war situation is another.

I'm not sure what to say - I feel stuck really. I don't want to say "KARMA COME GOTCHA" or any of that TBH (and maybe I should say those things to you, I have certainly been on the receiving end of a duplicitous man) because I actually feel quite a lot of sympathy for you.

I get the sense that you are living in a halfway house. You've told him it's over, the trust is gone, yet you're frightened to make the final push. Do it. Don't live this half life, and please, don't subject your children to a life of believing that relationships are borne of mistrust, spite (cos spite is to come, believe me) and desperation.

Forget the council house "horrors", forget the "one point four children plus mum and dad" shit. Your children deserve the best.

Which is a stable, peaceful, normal environment. Which this ain't.

I didnt read it to mean that way, but my comment still stands though.

If you get involved with someone knowing they are cheating on their wife to be with you, then it gives you a good idea as to their morals in a relationship.

Of course squeaky. But we can rattle on about that til the cows come home can't we? This is about helping someone move their life (and that of their children) on after the inevitable happens.