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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can somebody be so ignorant??

26 replies

TenSpeedOfGodsBlood · 24/02/2011 19:18

The past few weeks i have been seriously looking into councilling to sort out my anger and jealousy issues.
After speaking to a wonderful lady on MN i decided to contact one of the local centres that offers councilling.
I told my DP about it today, tried to explain why i thought i needed councilling etc. and he started questioning me regarding the jealousy.
I tried to explain to him that in no way do i think he would ever cheat or do anything bad to me but these thoughts do pop into my head even though i know its completely ridiculous and out of order, and i cant help it. The best way i can explain it is, there seems to be 2 sides to me, the normal me where i know what i'm thinking is silly and would never happen, then the other side that seems to try and convince that he is off with other women. But the normal side of me does seem to take control so i never ever say, or feel the need to say anything to him.

And now hes angry and wont speak to me because he says that "If you know you shouldnt be having these thoughts then you just shouldnt have them?!".

Can someone please help me try and explain to him that life isnt so black and white?
He wont listen to anything i say at the minute, and im not too good at trying to explain things rationally.

OP posts:
kangers · 24/02/2011 19:26

But if part of you thinks he capable of being unfaithful, then you do think it. And why not, its quite normal. Not everyone remains faithful. You need to establish if this is a specific fear, based on some evidence like a change in behaviour, or is it just a general foggy fear, an unease that he might be unfaithful.
This is completely normal. I am not sure how old you both are etc etc, but he does sound a bit harsh in being angry about you expressing a very common fear.
Examine your feelings.
Be honest about your relationship.
Write down your concerns so they are clear to you and can be referred to next time you broach the subject.
I am not sure you need counselling- depends on the length and severity of your feelings.
But don't be scared to go alone- and keep it private from him if needs be.

NotQuiteCockney · 24/02/2011 19:28

How frustrating. Can you say you're hoping that the counselling will make these bad thoughts go away?

Is he often this angry with you?

Original poster
TenSpeedOfGodsBlood · 24/02/2011 19:31

The thing is, i honestly dont ever believe he would be. But i have suffered from this for as long as i can remember, with past partners aswell. I am 26, he is 27.
I know alot of it has to do with my childhood, but thats a whole other thread!
But no he has never ever given me a reason to think anything like that, and thats what i tried to explain to him and thats why i know i need help for myself.

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Original poster
TenSpeedOfGodsBlood · 24/02/2011 19:32

I said to him, thats why i wanted to see a counciller to stop me thinking things like that.

Erm yeah to be honest, if he doesnt agree with something he does get rather huffy, but thats all, never aggressive towards me in the slightest.

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BertieBotts · 24/02/2011 19:35

I don't know. In my experience it's impossible to try to explain something like this to a person who sees things in such strong shades of black and white. They're not much fun to argue against in general, actually.

Just out of curiosity, is it everything that he sees in "black and white" or just when it regards something that he perceives you think about him?

earwicga · 24/02/2011 19:35

This sounds a little like a form of OCD, and has reminded me of the white polar bear example often used. I've googled and found you a version to print out and give to your husband.

'Let me give you a light hearted example. For the next two minutes I want you to try really hard NOT to think about a white Polar Bear. Give it a try. For two minutes do everything you can NOT to think about a White Polar Bear. Go. What happens? You think about the bear right? Apply this to unwanted thoughts and you can see why it becomes a problem. When you are obsessing and you try to make it stop.....you are actually thinking about it even more.'

I discovered it when I had a partner with the form of OCD called Pure O. I don't think you have Pure O, but you might be very interested in reading about it.

BellaSwanCullen · 24/02/2011 19:37

From what you say many people have that kind of dialogue in the mind, otherwise how would someone talk themselves in to our out of situations, for example, shall I have that second glass of wine, leave the car here, get a cab home and pick the car up tomorrow, or have an orange juice...

Your OH sounds out of order telling you what you should or should not be thinking, blooming heck, sometimes it is like you say you are going to counselling and some people use it so make out that there is something WRONG with YOU and THEY are OK! Shock

earwicga · 24/02/2011 19:39

I can't find anything good by googling atm - there's a lot of rubbish written on it as well.

Original poster
TenSpeedOfGodsBlood · 24/02/2011 19:39

BertieBotts, I totally agree, i can never win and argument! I try to explain till i'm blue in the face! And no, its definately about everything!

Earwicga, Thankyou for that information, just googling it now. And i am definately going to try that later. I'll need to leave it a bit before he realises ive been talking about him on MN Grin

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Original poster
TenSpeedOfGodsBlood · 24/02/2011 19:41

Bella, i agree, maybe just from comparing myself to other people my thoughts seem a bit extreme.
And yes, totally agree about the last bit!

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kangers · 24/02/2011 19:42

You sound like you lack confidence.
This can come across in many ways. It could be- 'I don't think I'm any good, so why would he stay with me?', to the 'Does he really love me, shall I sort out a back up plan' etc.
Most of us lack confidence I feel. I have always worried about the same thing- I think loads of people do.
So don't beat yourself up.
Reading psychologies magazine (not most academic source) I would suggest a bit of memory surfing- think about things in your past that may have knocked your confidence or made you lack trust in others. If there's a lot then you may need counselling. But it does depend if it's the ' she took my chair at lunchtime' or the ' My Father never felt I was good enough' kind of event. You can do a lot of work yourself. Focus on now, today this minute. Don't catastrophise the past or the future and enjoy having a loving relationship!

Original poster
TenSpeedOfGodsBlood · 24/02/2011 19:45

Thanks Kangers, i know i definately lack confidence. I have always thought i was fat and suffered with bulemia in my teens. Thankfully have got over that now but everyday i still look in the mirror and think im huge, yet i know im not (Im a size 12-14 and about 5'6).
Well i think the major issue was that my mum walked out on me as a child and ive never seen her since. I know alot of it has come from that.
But i will take your advice and try and focus on now, see if that makes any difference. I just seem to have an over active imagination!

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kangers · 24/02/2011 19:49

Good luck tenspeed you sound fine to me- your bloke needs to know that your childhood may affect you- but with support from him- it hopefully won't affect you much.Smile

Original poster
TenSpeedOfGodsBlood · 24/02/2011 19:50

Thanks Kangers :) i hope so.

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JustForThisOne · 24/02/2011 20:52

hang on, is this a follow up thread from...that infamous episode that kept may of us engaged not so long ago?

Original poster
TenSpeedOfGodsBlood · 24/02/2011 23:20

I've never posted about this before so no :)

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dignified · 25/02/2011 13:21

Can someone please help me try and explain to him that life isnt so black and white?
He wont listen to anything i say at the minute, and im not too good at trying to explain things rationally.

Why do you need to explain anything to him ? Its your issue and whether you seek counselling or not is your business and none of his concern. You dont need his aproval and you certainly dont need to explain to him because its actually none of his business .

Being angry and refusing to speak to you because youve made a personal choice to get counselling is ridiculous. Tell him to mind his own business and dont raise it with him again.

BelleBelicious · 25/02/2011 15:47

I think your DPs reactions are odd. You've recognised a problem and are trying to get help for it. That's really commendable.

I am slightly concerned that your DP doesn't seem to be worried about your happiness here. I hope it's just due to ignorance or some other reason, but it does come across as a bit controlling and lacking in empathy.

Try talking to him again. Maybe he's insecure? Maybe he likes the thought that you get jealous about him and takes that as love?

Original poster
TenSpeedOfGodsBlood · 25/02/2011 16:10

I think its because we are really open with each other, we do talk about our feelings etc quite alot.
I think what it is, is we have had very different upbringings, he had a very stable childhood, both parents still together etc., yet mine was the complete oposite, and he just doesnt understand why or how i can think the way i do because he's never had to deal with it? If that makes sense.. (i'm not saying that people who have had a stable upbringing etc wouldnt have issues, but in this case it applies).

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Original poster
TenSpeedOfGodsBlood · 25/02/2011 16:13

In regards to him liking that i'm jealous, he says it really offends him when i think things like that because its basically me saying that he is a bad person. He hates it.. so i dont think it would be that.

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BelleBelicious · 25/02/2011 16:17

If that's the case, the chance is he just won't get it. I don't really 'get' OCD, but I understand that a friend of mine has it. I don't tell her not to have it, stop being stupid and snap out of it though.

So, the question still stands, why is he being so unsupportive? Maybe he has more insecurities than you know? Or maybe he doesn't like the idea of you getting sorted? OR is he just hurt that you didn't talk to him about it before?

Original poster
TenSpeedOfGodsBlood · 25/02/2011 16:23

Hes actually just walked through the door with a bunch of flowers and told me he was sorry for last night. He says he wants to speak to me properly about it tonight when he finishes work.
Maybe hes been reading this! Hmm.
Thats quite odd for him, the flowers not the apology.
I'm wondering if he's realised he was being an arse?
We'll see how things pan out tonight i suppose.

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waterrat · 25/02/2011 16:27

hey there - I've written on this subject before at length - basically - what you have is known as 'hyper vigilance'. If you pm me Ill talk to you more about it.

It's not your fault and it's based on fears and insecurities that developed in your childhood. You need therapy to sort it out -and well done you for looking into it.

Your mind developed patterns in your childhood, which teach you to constantly search for threats to your security.

You see that it's painful for you and want to tackle it and build new thought patterns - btu I have to warn you, if he isn't supportive then you will find it difficult to remain with him.

There is a very good book by Oliver James, called They Fuck you Up - about how your experiences in childhood affect your emotional responses to relationships later in life.

think of it this way - your mind, at a deep subconscious level, is trying to look after you and protect you from being hurt - it is constantly on alert looking for threats. It is NOT something you can jsust 'snap out of' and it has NO relevance to your actual situation.

you and your husband need to read about insecure patterns of attachment - that is what you have.

I think step one is getting help for yourself, the therapy will also help you communicate all of this to him.

Your problem is common, it really isn't your fault please know that.

Finally - I had the same issue, it was ruining my life, and after a year of thearpy it completely went - believe you can change, you can.

BelleBelicious · 25/02/2011 16:35

Hes actually just walked through the door with a bunch of flowers and told me he was sorry for last night Smile

Ah, well, hope you manage to sort it tonight. Maybe he does just have difficulty understanding it. Good luck.

Original poster
TenSpeedOfGodsBlood · 25/02/2011 19:44

Thanks everyone :)

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