Dealing with my mother

[Orangeflower7]

I have just had a letter from my mother saying how much she misses coming to see us and wants to come visit for my ds' birthday in two weeks. I don't want to see her or have her here. I wish I didn't feel like that, sort of like a grumpy teenager! However it might help if I could explain...

She has suffered with mental health issues, nothing major just mainly anxiety and depression, throughout the time I was a child and teenager and I have some bad memories of that time. Nothing terrible, just for example being cold a lot, not being noticed, being ignored and when I asked being told 'If you don't know why I'm not going to tell you..." The teachers at school asking if I had money for my lunch okay. Taking a plastic bag to school instead of a proper schoolbag...(and you know how unkind teenagers can be)

I got away by studying hard and moved across the country at 17 to go to uni (in the days of full grants which was my escape route)...

Whilst there strange things happened, for example in the hall of residence for the first year students being told I should stay in over the weekend as there had been a suspicious call that there might be a threat against me...the police turned up...it was my mum, not threatening me but had had an irrational worry something was going to happen to me and had phoned the uni in a state...

Maybe I need to deal with her anxieties and accept her better but it gets so draining and with little ones I just don't have the energy. It is hard as i think being a mum makes you feel a bit anxious too and what you need is reassurance not further worries!

It is not normal anxieties either. She watches my children and then comes out with strange things that upset me. For example, when ds1 was a baby he had a simple strawberry mark on his forehead. She suggested we try to rub it off with some oil, and the one time I she minded him while i had a swim (thought it went ok made sure she sat with my dad in the gallery to keep an eye on them!) the next day she was all of a fluster that I had damaged him from chlorine in my breastmilk!- he was a bit unsettled...

She did similar things when we were young and it brings back memories..

When she starts watching them and frowning/looking anxious I just want to slap her, I can't cope with it any more. I don't want them to feel the same way I did...

I wish she would just see the lovely / best things in them and relax. Not pick up on wierd things afterwards...when there's nothing wrong.

I did a but of CBT myself and learnt about free-floating anxiety, well she can just keep hers away, I only feel calm when she's away.

However there's part of me feeling bad keeping her away from her grandchildren. She lives in the middle of nowhere and has no life of her own, I wish she did. Also, she disapproves of everything.

How can i move forward with this?

Has anyone any ideas, or experiences similar?

The anxieties can get quite wierd at time for example she once thought some cows were going to run out the field after us (while in the car) and other quite bizarre things. She was in a mental hospital once, after i left home I think she just couldn't cope.

It's definitely made me think about how i am as a mum, especially to keep my anxieties in check as it can affect your children!

I should mention I get on really well with my MIL who is lovely and caring. She does see a lot more of me and the children than my mum but it is so much easier. I have always founf spending time with friend's and partner's parents much easier than my own!

Some questions:

Do you get anything out of the relationship with your mum? I know that sounds selfish, to be thinking that way, but you haven't had a normal relationship with her, have you? It sounds like you've been giving to her your whole life. It IS ok to stop doing that if you want.

Do you think it will be of benefit to your children to have a relationship with the woman that is your mother as they grow up?

How much of a tailspin does it send you in, to arrange a visit with her? And if it does affect your mental state before and after the visit, how does that affect your children?

Personally I'd be putting me and my children before my mum.

Ooh, another question. Her letter. Is she concerned about you and how you are? About the children? Or is it just about her?

I'd better stop now before I project my mum onto yours ...

Hi! thanks for your message. Is nice to hear from someone who understands. Sometimes i try to talk to my brother or her sister in law but they always say these things like 'she's so isolated' and i feel giulty, or they insinuate I should, as the only daughter, be there for her. But, she wasn't there for me, not really, as a child, or teenager. And i guess being a mum now myself it is making me realise it even more. She used to just lie there. By the gas fire, mainly asleep, on the floor, with her face down on the carpet. That's the one main memory I have of her, and that the veins on her legs would turn a strange colour!

I guess the thing is that I suppose it wasn't /isn't her fault, to be feeling like that. I hate her for it though!

Now for the q's-
Yes I have been giving to her and now it feels like she's clinging to me especially since she finished with divorced my dad. No, I can't say i do get anything from our replationship. She jusrt talks about her old relatives and how they've died, her own worries and often goes on as if living in the past, as if i am still a child. Or she will see someone and think they are her old schoolfriend or old relative, like someone just sat on a train... hmm.

The children and her- hmm. i think my older ds especially gets on very well with my MIL in a way he doesn't with her. Other ds is a toddler and just likes anyone who plays with him so too little really.

The letter-

lots of 'Hope you are well...Hope you get a new place soon...and are not too exhausted.... am very much missing you and will stay with you for ds birthday (in 2 weeks) if not too inconvenient...or at the YCMA but am a little too old for there....

When she visits or I go to hers (not often as is very isolated so no escape) I get very stressy and anxious, dp always notices it.

I see your dilemma. It is good that you realise that your mother probably can't help the way she is (it sounds as if she is mentally ill tbh) and to balance that with the impact her visit might have on you and the DC. There must be room for some sort of compromise, not least because you will eventually feel bad about yourself if you take a purely selfish line. Helping others makes us all feel better and it sounds like your mother needs some feeling of family and being wanted or loved. Couldn't she come and stay for one night and have you see how it goes. It sounds as if you pick up on her anxieties and get very stressed yourself so maybe you could arrange to have other friends there or some sort of activity that will keep her busy or away from you for sanity breaks. Have you tried talking to her and saying that you will be the one to do any worrying about your DC and that you appreciate her concern but that she really mustn't shoulder your responsibilities and should just enjoy some play time with the little ones instead. It just might help.

If it goes well for a short period, then perhaps you will both feel less stressed next time. Good luck.

Oh, last point: so many people repeat their parents' mistakes so it is wonderful that you are a very different kind of mother through having realised that your upbringing was not normal and deciding to do things differently. That takes strength of character.

Oh My God...

I am reading your story in shock.... our lives are so similar.

My mother suffered mental problems all through my childhood and teens. She was hospitalised several times a year sometimes for up to a month. I would hear her purging into a bucket by her bed for days on end until we had to get an ambulance because she lost so much weight... I'll never forget the time she screamed at me to help her out of the bath because she was too weak to get out. I was only about 11 and never seen a naked woman before.

My dad was a waste of space and was absent a lot.

My memories of my childhood are hazy. I remember christmas having to throw the turkey out my sister and I cooked because she couldn't handle the smell (it reminded her of traumatic childhood memories).

Age 18 I went to university 11 hours from my home. I could not wait to get away and went somewhere I knew I would only have to come home for major holidays. This was in Australia and thank God I also had full grants.

I remember my mum putting the fear of God in me about being kidnapped, drowning, even using a vacuum cleaner she was convinced if we went over the chord with the vaccuum it could electrocute us. If we were ever even slightly home late from being out she would lose the plot and presume we were kidnapped and we would come home to serious anxiety and abuse for putting her through hell.

After graduating I moved to a major city about an hour from my mum and going to see her was a nightmare.

i brought my first boyfriend to see her (I put it off for ages) and we were in my bedroom with the door closed. She was convinced we were having sex (as if!!!! I shared a room with my sister). I was 18 but got a lot of grief from that... not in front of him.

She is also very religious.

Roll on a few years, and I had to leave Australia. I could not stay there anymore. I packed up and moved to london. I swore I would never ever go back. That was 1997 and I have never been back.

I just want to say that I know how difficult it is growing up in an environment like that. Sometimes I feel guilt I dont see her but my memories are torturous :(

We text infrequently and she calls me. She came to visit me about 6 years ago and that was really hard work. She has since been diagnosed bipolar.

Just want you to know that I get it :( I wish you well.

I found a book called Toxic Parents really helpful in dealing with my past.

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to vent. I really have never met anyone with a story so similar to mine.

Sorry I dont have any advice, jsut to say you aren't alone xx

Orangeflower... even our names are similar!!!!!

I think the pain of your childhood has made you feel so hurt that it is hard fir you to accept your mum was actually really unwell. Anxiety and depression are serious illnesses and can destroy the lives of the sufferers and their families.

You may feel you are unable to allow your mum to become a closer part of your life but I think you need to come to terms with the fact her illness and not her caused the problems in your childhood.

Do you perhaps fear that some of the problems she experiences have been passed on to you and feel that time spent with your mum would increase your stress. Find a decision that you are happy with but try not to tear yourself to pieces doing it.

i think it's okay if you feel you can't have her in your life. it would be totally understandable.

however if you would like some contact but just a way to manage it to reduce the anxiety perhaps there are some ways you could do that?

maybe agree to meet only in neutral places - cafe, shopping centre etc, not allow her into your house or go to hers. limit the time of the interaction and try to just discuss neutral topics as much as possible.

sorry, it must be very hard not only dealing with the current situation but also all your sad memories of a troubled childhood.

I feel claustrophobic and anxious just reading about your mother.

A friend of mine ganged up with her sisters and frog-marched their mother to the doctor. They then insisted she took her anti-anxiety medication (she used to 'forget') or they'd have nothing more to do with her. It sounds cruel, but she was making all their lives a misery - in much the same way your mother is. And now she is an important part of their lives again and helps out with the GC.

Does she get any treatment?

I could completely understand if you cut contact with her, but:

What does your DP and his family think? Will they be supportive of your decision?
What will you tell your children as to why Grandma isn't in their lives anymore?
Will it cause a rift between you and your brother? And if so, do you care?
Is there any other solution that would work for you? What if your MIL was there when you Mum visits (for short periods of time)?

Sorry for all the sadness you've had , but you have been amazingly strong breaking free and giving your children the happiness you never had.

How far away does she live? I guess it is too far to go for a short daytime visit? Can you organise a trip somewhere and stop off with her en route, so you only have to stay for as long as you can handle (like an hour!)?

My questions were more for you than for me, btw!

I see what people are saying about it not being your mum's fault, and I really don't know much about this but - she could have seen a doctor, got some help? Could still do that?

I'm saying that because it would be so easy for you to go on a guilt trip, and I really think you sound like you might need to put yourself first.

Have you thought about therapy, for you? (not an expert on that either, have been to one session so far, but it's already helping; I am amazed how an hour talking to a stranger has made me realise that it wasn't my fault in a way that talking to people who love me didn't do).

Where is your dh in this? What does he think of your mum?

I have a lovely MIL too. It's wonderful having her, and she is great with the children. But sometimes the contrast between her and my mum makes me hurt. And sometimes I catch myself taking things out on her that should have been aimed at my mum .

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. You may also want to post on the "Stately Homes" thread on these pages as well.

Your mother does not bring anything positive into your life; toxic parents often turn into toxic grandparents as well. I would be therefore extremely wary of your children having any contact with her as she will start on them given any opportunity.

Many adults who were children of toxic parents often have FOG - fear, obligation, guilt.

You are not responsible for your mother and her ongoing depressed state when all is said and done. You did not make her that way. She made a choice as well to live in the back of beyond and be disapproving of everything.

I actually felt panicky reading your message, as it is so similar to mine. My childhood was strange to say the least...filled with paranoia (on my mum's part), thinking people were talking about her all the time, smacking me if I went to the shop and brought back the wrong brand of washing powder (I was 6)...she would tell us that if we pricked our finger with a needle we would get cancer...all scary stuff when you're a kid. When she has stayed with us (not for a long time...I too moved far away although I am nearer to home again now) she would expect one of my DC to sleep in a single bed with her and when they refused she would put them on a huge guilt trip! The sad truth is I cannot bear to be around her anymore, and I am absolutley certain that her mothering 'skills' are the main reason I have ended up in severely abusive relationships.

Aaarrgghh...just read Attila's post...FOG indeed. That describes me to a tee.

In retrospect, I realise my mum suffered from "issues" despite being a psychiatric social worker.

Things that worry me have come up - children tell me things she worried them with and as we know, small children really brood and worry. One day she told dd1 (4 or 5ish at the time) that it was a pity I'd dyed my hair (temporary colour from boots) as it would give me brain cancer and I might die! Poor dd didn't let on till she was about 14 and mum died but it did bother her. Another story involved bedtime prayers and going to hell.

Newpatches, my needle story was I'd get lockjaw and die!

Sometimes she'd pretend to call a children's home and get me to pack stuff in a shoe box and wait for them to come and get me on the front doorstep. Great for vicar's wife.

How scary so many of us have been through this wierdness,

I've learnt the hard way to limit my children's and my time with toxic relatives. Between dh and I, we have enough!

Hello, OP, much of what you and Sunflower have described reminds me of my father. I'm not sure what to say, other than to share my story.

My father is not mentally ill, as such, but someone here once mentioned "histrionic personality disorder", and a lot of the behaviour described by that condition applies to his behaviour.

Eg, he would not allow by brother and I to be in a room alone together because he thought we would be bound to be having sex. Sick, but true.

Eg, the paranoia about everything - I was never allowed to ride a bike, I was bound to kill myself. He almost started a national emergency recently when my sister went on a work conference and he decided (totally and utterly irrationally) that she'd been kidnapped/raped/murdered.

I don't really care if he's damaged or if he is, indeed, mentally ill. He and my mother, in their various behaviours, made my childhood an utter misery. I actually quite like him (and her) as people, if I can divorce any personal, familial feelings from the equation, and see them as eccentric/quirky. But as parents/grandparents.....no, I want nothing from them, they have failed me all my life. By failure, I mean they never put their children and their happiness and confidence first. I know what it's like to feel irrational fear (or even rational fear) for my DCs. But for their sake, I always try to be calm and rational with them, I don't want to scare them into thinking the world is full of evil, like my parents did to me, rendering me chronically unsure of myself, with no self confidence or self esteem, no belief in myself.

I have tried and tried with both of them in my nearly 40 years, but they don't change. And this is the crux, I think. You need to accept that your parent won't change (unless their condition is truly is something that can be medicated). The only thing that might change is you, and your reaction to them. At the moment, 5 minutes with my parents leaves me anxious, enraged, sad, guilty....I just do not need that in my like right now. In return they give me nothing, no practical or emotional help, just the burden of their worries and woes (mostly self inflicted). They are superficially interested in my DCs but deep down there's nothing really there in terms of true feeling, just the convention of being a grandparent.

I am not in contact with them (have not been for 18 months). I am in contact with only one of my siblings, the others are toxic and I do not care what they think. I have enough humanity in me to feel sorry for my "parents" in the sense that I'd feel bad and sorry for any batty old human being in their particular circumstances. With counselling, I might be prepared to find a way to be with them without expecting anything of them. But I will not expose my DCs to a ME with them doing my head in, it's just not worth it.

Histrionic Personality disorder

Mommiedearestatemychildhood - y'know, I was the same with bikes. When every other kid got them over the years at christmas, we weren't allowed. The reason being they were dangerous and we would be killed on the road. Now, we lived in a very quiet cul-de-sac. There was a busy road nearby but we never played there.

One year we got scooters... I dont know what the reasoning was that they were safer, but that's what we got. As a kid I remember being mortified. We looked so alien and out of place...

Like orangeflower I have always sought solace in boyfriend's parents. They always seemed so much more in touch with reality.

I have to say reading the stories here has shocked me to the core. I always felt so alien in my experience. None of my friends as a child and later in life as an adult could possibly understand what I was talking about.

I'm 38 now and never wanted children. I think a lot of that resonates from my upbringing.

I'm halfway around across the world from that misery now... but it still affects me. I have gone to counselling (I wwent before my mum came to visit, I was that terrified), but I don't know if it's something I'll ever get over which really is quite upsetting, but I am a lot happier than I ever was there.

Thanks all for sharing your stories, and orangeflower, I hope you come back here and see that others know how you feel :) xx

Oh, forgot to add... about 5 years ago an ex and i went on holiday and I didnt have coverage on my phone... I got home to a barrage of messages that she was going to board a plane from australia and fly over to see me.

The next day, back in work, the receptionist told me my mum had rang my work asking when anyone had seen me last. God, it was mortifying...

I felt so sad she had gone through that irrational grief but we were only gone 7 days and I had text her the day before I left. I deliberately didnt say I was going overseas on holiday because I knew she would be worried the flight would go down, or war would break out... (I know to anyone with a normal upbringing that sounds insane, but it is how she is)I presumed being in contact she would be ok but she obviously replied the next day and didn't get a reply...

Oh Sunflower, I have totally been there with the travelling. I go on holiday to mainland Europe, there's a random plane crash in South America, cue hysterical, "are you alive?" phone calls. Even travelling to see them (a 4 hour train trip including having to travel across London) could never be done without arriving home to several anxious phone calls. I just used to go into a tizz if anything unforeseen happened that might delay a journey because of the inevitable drama that would ensue.

His histrionics would just sap the life and joy out of everything. He was never interested in, eg, whether I'd had a nice holiday, done anything interesting. Only that I was safe so that he could stop worrying.

That's the most insidious part of it for me. The "worrying is a sign that I care," stuff. The hurt feelings when I'd get angry about being hounded as to where I was, was I home yet? It's so easy for that to be turned around so that you become the problem, you are just acting like a petulant teenager, you can't see how much I care for you, why do you want to hurt me when I'm just showing my concern, why make a fuss about a simple phone call letting me know you're safe? Because you make me anxious about nothing, Dad. Because you make me doubt my own judgement. Because you make a train delayed by leaves on the line feel like my personal fault. Because I can't get the simple joy out of an experience when you are watching me. Because. You. Are. Literally. Sapping. The. Life. Out. Of. Me.

It got to a point where I would never tell him anything or call "home" much. If he didn't know what I was up to, he couldn't turn my life into a drama.

When I did have real drama (eg, was followed home and attacked once by a random stranger), the very last person I would have turned to for help was him. He would turn it into a drama about himself, and make out it was somehow my fault, I had brought it on myself for not listening to him.

Sorry for the ranting about me. OP, please do come back, I hope you are getting some comfort from knowing you're not alone.

That's the thing, it totally zaps the happiness out of anything. When I was awas away thinking 'fair play me, I've made a life for myself, I'm doing OK' it comes back to haunt you.

I came back from that holiday feeling bereft with guilt. I was mid-30s then, I was an adult. I was just trying to be 'normal', but know I came back to feeling as if I was a child.

She sent me a christmas present about 5 years ago, it was a doll, you know one of those expensive porcelein dolls... I just kept it in it's box. It's like she still wants me to feel like a child who needs to look after her.

Last easter she sent me an easter card to my work. In it she put a cute photo of me as a child, think it was my second b'day.

It makes me so angry... my childhood was horrific, I remember that much but even as an adult she is trying to make me remember my childhood. Horrific doesn't cover it...

I just want to move on, but the legacy and pain is there... even on the other side of the world.

:( :( :(

Wow! Just fell asleep putting the little ones to bed last night and got up to check my post and read all the messages. It is a relief to meet others who have been through similar- although sad too, (wouldn't wish it on anyone!) Sunflower your tale does sound very similar especially how we dealt with it (leaving home to study and the relief at only having to deal with the holidays then). The fear/obligation/guilt defintely rings true. I often felt it was my fault that after I left to study that was when she really went downhill.

Also, the way that once you've put it to the back of your mind they can come back. For example they've (my dad also has issues, too) found out from me where I work in the past, and rang my employers worrying about me, did I seem tired to them , was I okay? My brother has told me he is now keeping his new job details secret from them because they were doing the same with him. And in labour the midwives all knew of me before I came in as they'd had my mum blocking up their phone line (the one meant for women in labour) ringing them (not me or my dp)..in the doctors I noticed on their screen "Mother rang...said all information confidential..." It all makes you feel yourself a little worried!

She regularly rings me 'to check I'm okay' and leaves these messages "Are you okay?' and tbh it has made things a it tricky for dp as he, with his common sense feels like "well if anything was up, I'd ring her wouldn't I?"

I also completely relate to the strange 'keeping as a child' business (eg with the doll gift). She constanty goes on as if I am still a child.. as if we have stuck at the moment I left...

Yes i think it might be good to talk to a counsellor of something at some point..with two little ones ther doesn't seem a lot of time in the day and my GP was going to refer me but they need it to be alone no children..there was a counsellor at uni, but don't remember it being much use, just lots of nodding a smiling

It's the thought that if you don't give them some sort of attention they can get worse, I find. I guess if they don't get the reassurrance I mean. But then when you see them they can pick up on something to fuel the anxiety. Even having a bottle of wine, with our meal got stern disapproval then I got a little toy through the post which I thought was quite nice and normal...but in the bottom a clipping about drink problems from drinking wine...tucked in...

Oh and sorry to vent but I just found she told her relatives our newest child is called by his middle name as she doesn't like / disapproves of his first name, I know this as my aunt wrote to me asking after him, not using his name but the middle name...bizarre..

Thank you for all your replies, I have skimmed through all of them and will look properly again tomorrow.

Don't feel quite so strange knowing others have had odd experiences too. Some sound awful though I can't remember mine ever threatening me with scary things so much as a little one, like the children's home story. I think it got worse as i became older, it must be terribly scary as a little one hugs to you xx

Sunflower- just remembered, meant to tell you, my friend also now does not see her mother at all, she has a little boy the grandma has never met. The mum abandoned my friend as a little girl and walked out on the family, my friend has never forgiven her. There are also issues there and I know similar photos cards etc keeping her as a little girl..

A positive thought from all of this... to see our own children growing up free from this is a joy. I think my feeling is a bit protective towards the little ones even more so as they can understand more and pick up on things / feelings / looks (older ds is 5 nearly 6 now)

Still thinking through what to do but to know I can be there to protect them from it is good. Or try at least. Hope don't have to go so far as keeping their school secret...

Right, just read through again- she is in Scotland, I live in the south of England. Ways I have tried helping her-

Suggested CBT, given books eg on anxiety, self-help.

Gave a swimming pass as exercise can help anxiety, suggested she get a dog when her cat died.

Suggested she get involved with her local community or possibly move to a village or nearby town, do some voluntary work eg at the local hospital or school. (she is retired and has lots of time).

She doesn't see the children that often but more recently has been more persistent. Maybe as my dad who she has split up with but still kind of hanging onto, has moved away, I'm not sure.

Orangeflower - something I learnt a long time ago is no matter how many times you offer to help, make suggestions, they don't take it.

My mum was always signing herself out of hospital before she was treated. Eventually under hypnosis it came out she had been abused as a child.

Once we knew that I thought OK, we can get help for that (as much as anyone could be helped!!) but no, she didnt want to work on it, help herself... as a result the sickness continued all through my teens till I left home at 18. My older sister moved out the year earlier to go to university (she moved to another State). To this day she is still having to be hospitalised.

I suppose moving away as soon as we could was both our way of saving our sanity - college and then overseas as an adult for me.

I was so afraid of everything and everyone growing up. My mum was a nurse so we had a lot of medical books lying around and by age 12 I'd become a hypochondriac. I grew out of it, thank God, but I am convinced it was the result of all the fear.

I also get the are you OK messages... I make a point to reply straight away as if I dont she will panic and bombard me.

A friend of mine gave me her phone when she moved back to australia. Her voice was on the voice message. I kept it there when she left (we were very close friends and it was nice to keep it). My mum got the voice mail one time and left a frantic message wanting to know where I was. Had someone been impersonating me!!! I know how nuts this sounds...

I lost my job in December and have not told her. There is no way I want her to know as she will try and tell me to move back to australia (despite the fact I own a home over here). I really dont think she thinks i am capable of living on my own even though I moved here in 1997.

Perhaps you could visit your mum but stay at a hotel? That would limit your time around her. Maybe also go out for dinner so you can leave after. Sorry if that is a bad suggestion, but I know the anxiety that will pulse through your veins only too well.

I have taken comfort that I am not alone. Obviously it isnt nice to know others also suffered, but until I read this thread I really struggled thinking no-one would ever really understand...

Love to all of you that have been through this. xx

Right it is strange- mine too has had something happen in the past but will not discuss it. She used to have nightmares a lot about it. She had eplilepsy from, she said, falling off a stool at school, fainting, there is also something about her brother I'm not sure of..
but yes same for not taking up any suggestions, just gets upset if try to bring it up...it's good to get in touch with someone who understands.

I think it's the feeling of trying to keep a bit of distance while reassuring then that is hard. Mine too, freaks if she can't get hold of me and phones everyone, gets hold of dps family, even the police! It is quite scary, feel always have to be on the ball...come home to '5 missed calls' argh or dp calling from work..your mum rang...

I can't tell mine about stuff like losing jobs either, she is the same thinking I'm not capable. Whenever she sees dp she says 'thank you for having her..' he hates that he says it's like I'm a child and I felt embarrassed, but glad it's not just me then! I'm in my thirties ffs! Sometimes it's hard not to let it hold you back and it would be lovely to just be able to turn to them with worries rather than hold back all the time.

I feel physical relief she is away and closer to my brother although that's not very fair on him.

The voicemail! My dad has his own issues, he talks to the voicemail like it is a real person hmmm.

Anyway best go half term here, must get them out of pjs. Hopw the job ok? At least you have house here which is good. Do you miss Australia (not the situation?