Dealing with my mother

[Orangeflower7]

I have just had a letter from my mother saying how much she misses coming to see us and wants to come visit for my ds' birthday in two weeks. I don't want to see her or have her here. I wish I didn't feel like that, sort of like a grumpy teenager! However it might help if I could explain...

She has suffered with mental health issues, nothing major just mainly anxiety and depression, throughout the time I was a child and teenager and I have some bad memories of that time. Nothing terrible, just for example being cold a lot, not being noticed, being ignored and when I asked being told 'If you don't know why I'm not going to tell you..." The teachers at school asking if I had money for my lunch okay. Taking a plastic bag to school instead of a proper schoolbag...(and you know how unkind teenagers can be)

I got away by studying hard and moved across the country at 17 to go to uni (in the days of full grants which was my escape route)...

Whilst there strange things happened, for example in the hall of residence for the first year students being told I should stay in over the weekend as there had been a suspicious call that there might be a threat against me...the police turned up...it was my mum, not threatening me but had had an irrational worry something was going to happen to me and had phoned the uni in a state...

Maybe I need to deal with her anxieties and accept her better but it gets so draining and with little ones I just don't have the energy. It is hard as i think being a mum makes you feel a bit anxious too and what you need is reassurance not further worries!

It is not normal anxieties either. She watches my children and then comes out with strange things that upset me. For example, when ds1 was a baby he had a simple strawberry mark on his forehead. She suggested we try to rub it off with some oil, and the one time I she minded him while i had a swim (thought it went ok made sure she sat with my dad in the gallery to keep an eye on them!) the next day she was all of a fluster that I had damaged him from chlorine in my breastmilk!- he was a bit unsettled...

She did similar things when we were young and it brings back memories..

When she starts watching them and frowning/looking anxious I just want to slap her, I can't cope with it any more. I don't want them to feel the same way I did...

I wish she would just see the lovely / best things in them and relax. Not pick up on wierd things afterwards...when there's nothing wrong.

I did a but of CBT myself and learnt about free-floating anxiety, well she can just keep hers away, I only feel calm when she's away.

However there's part of me feeling bad keeping her away from her grandchildren. She lives in the middle of nowhere and has no life of her own, I wish she did. Also, she disapproves of everything.

How can i move forward with this?

Has anyone any ideas, or experiences similar?

The anxieties can get quite wierd at time for example she once thought some cows were going to run out the field after us (while in the car) and other quite bizarre things. She was in a mental hospital once, after i left home I think she just couldn't cope.

It's definitely made me think about how i am as a mum, especially to keep my anxieties in check as it can affect your children!

And oh gosh MommieDearest, you have had the anxiety from yours very bad too! Isn't it hard not to let it bother you? I was in the safe stages of preg, went on a plane was told 'it's not your own life you are putting at risk' lovely thing to go on holiday with. My brother on his own wedding day was chased after as he danced off to the car with his new bride (literally they had a ceilidh) he thought for a hug or 'how proud' No- 'it's not all fun and laughter you know, just remember that' (his bride told me she could have slapped her, all the way on the midnight train to the Highlands he was down about it!

So- to ignore it and treat it as illness.
To ignore it and they get distraught but to feel releif from them but fear what they might do / call..

To see them and try to let it bounce off, knowing you can't share your real life worries / dilemmas, just have small talk (I always have to watch everything I say, even when I laughed about my foot going to sleep I had a call back to see if I was 'better')

That's kind of what I do know tbh, when do see her, make cups of tea and discuss the weather. Feels so empty.

Hi orangeflower - so glad you posted this as it has helped to know others understand.

Strange you said you think something happened to her when she was a child. I wonder if that is why my mum likes to think of us all that way. She always sends me childlike gifts. Things I'd never ever use. I have them all boxed up. I have told her just to send me one thing (preferably that I could actyally use lol) but she doesnt listen and every year a big box arrives. It makes me so sad opening them. There could be 15 things all wrapped up each year. Thank God I have storage.

I can be going along in life fine and all of a sudden something will trigger the anxiety. I have settled for so little in relationships and I know it's because I want to feel part of a family.

It is sad that when major things happen (like losing a job) that instead of turning to her she is the one person I make a point not to. I know how unusual that sounds but it is just the way it is.

I dont miss australia at all. The place fills me with anxiety. People find it strange I have never gone back - even for a holiday. I just say I hate flying but most people think that has to be BS.

I hope to get a job soon but it's tough - my skills are quite specialised and not much going at all where I am. But I have got myself this far and am not easily beat :)

It is really hard isn't it :( so many people just don't understand. I dont really talk about it for that reason so it is good to be able to talk here and vent...

Hi Sunflower me too- no-on seemed to understand, maybe you can't unless have been there. I also don't like talking about it to many people and those I do haven't been there. I seem to come across like a sulky child- but maybe that's how I've been made to feel. I can understand how those gifts must be hard. Like, she's obviously tried but doesn't think of who you are now. Mine doesn't send anything, but used to give me strangely inappropriate things for Christmas and birthdays as a child. Like a porcelain doll which i broke (cracked its face at school) when i was 6...and a talking teddy when I was ten fgs...

When you say trigger the anxiety do you mean hers or yours, or both (I find she does something and I have a sinking feeling and get anxious but not in a mad way like her...)

I feel the same about Scotland, where I grew up. Had no qualms about 'giving it up' to move, even my old school, everything, it all feels tainted. sometimes feel a bit kind of 'rootless' though maybe as dp's family so normal!

I'm a stay at home mum at the moment not using my degree or postgraduate qualification. I am enjoying it when I don't get stressy, it is a bit tricky to relax as I've always put pressure on myself to do well, like I'm trying to validate myself in a way. I have always felt lacking in self esteem and any good grade I got was like 'wow'...couldn't quite believe it...gave me a real rush...

The next thing I was going to ask was how it had affected you in terms of your life and relationships...I too have accepted less in partnerships but possibly by luck have a kind dp no...was terrible as a student though didn't care who I went out with, could have easily got pregnant or worse...was extremely lucky in fact.

I think having children brings into focus your relationship with your own mother, in fact have read this and that it is extremely hard for mums whose own mothers have died.. it sounds extreme but i have found especially after having my second when could really have done with a mum around (MIL works full time) not having that support, and on top having to deal with them... well it's tricky. has your's (mum) got more intense since you having children? I don't think mine can cope very well with me being a mum. She is very wierd about b'feeding (she couldn't apparently because of having epilepsy meds?

Just wanted to say about 'feeling part of a family' yes I know what you mean. I remember being about 12 and going to stay with a friend on hioliday and loving her family so much, I wailed coming back I so wanted to stay with them. I hadn't realised that's what normal families could be like. My dp is from a very stable family and I like what we have now although he can be a bit old-fashioned / moralistic but it overall is good. I feel quite protective of it though and don't wan her to come between us. After my brother's wedding she got wierd about us drinking at the reception (and b'feeding) and told us off! He was not very impressed,

Hi again, was out at a play last night and got back late so only seeing this now.

I have a similar 'friend' story. I remember also being about 12 (6th class at home) and having this friend that lived nearby. I went to her place for dinner one night and they had lasagne. I had never had it before and thought it was the most glorious thing I'd ever ate in my life (still a fan today lol).

I asked my friend if they ate it all the time and she said, well, no, we have shepherds pie sometimes or a curry or.... God, it was an eye opener. My mum was never a cook and granted money was very rare, but I absolutely LOVED going to friend's places.

I remember being 18 at university and having a b'day party in a restaurant with close friends I had made there. When the waiter came to take the order I told him my starter, main and dessert. I didnt realise you didnt mention the dessert. I was so embarassed but I simply didnt know any better because we never went out for dinner.

I'vw always related to friends' families so much better than my own. They seem normal. Mine completely not normal. The full-on religious upbringing is damaging as well. It was forced on us from the moment we were born until we were mid-teens. having to walk through town to go to church while everyone else was out playing. I was constantly embarrassed.

I dont have any children. I knew from about age 25 that I didnt want them. I get on with them great but I think I am too scarred to be honest. The fear of having my own terrifies me.

I have always had bad relationships.... guys that drank too much, one that was physically abusive (although there was only one incident and we split). I realise I was one of those women that 'love too much' (from that book I recommended).

I was always trying to fix them which is an obvious knock-on from my childhood/teen years with my mum. I think I need to feel needed which is mad as you'd think I would run from those sort of relationships???

I'm only recently single after splitting with an on/off commitmentphobe for years so am taking time out to be single. I was quite wild in my 20s, early 30s. I wouldnt say overly promiscuous as such, but I was obviously very much looking for love and went about the wrong way of finding it. It's not something I feel a need to do now.

I think it must be hard for your DH to understand. Anyone that comes from a normal family is perplexed to say the least that this stuff happens. I remember my first bf being gobsmacked at some of the things my mum just came out with and said. Totally off the wall.

God, re-reading that it really sounds woe is me...

I was incedibly shy when I first went to college, would blush even talking to a guy as I had been to an all-gils catholic high school. I had very little interaction with men at all. My mother never had boyfriends.

But I grew out of that and leaving australia I had no choice but to work on that shyness. I totally thrived when I was in London. I made friends quickly. I am very open and warm so that has never been a problem :) I have a wonderful circle of friends and am never at a loss for someone to talk to/meet with. I'm the friend people always ask to go with on holidays, that kind of thing.

None of my friends pity me - I wouldnt allow for that as i dont want to get through life that way :)

I see myself as a work in progress and the older I get the more I accept that my upbringing was wrong on so many levels, but I know there is no point dwelling on that.. you just have to get on and be the best you can be and I hope to God that one day I will find security and true happiness :)